USPS Goes Postal After Latter-day Saints Go Digital

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SATIRE

SALT LAKE CITY — Management from the United States Postal Service is holding demonstrations outside of meetinghouses nationwide after The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recently announced its intent to favor email communication over traditional mail.

On April 26th, the Church announced that they “will no longer use postal mail to send paper copies of official letters and notices from headquarters in Salt Lake City to leaders around the world, but will instead use email.”

Sources indicate that the organization will lose millions of dollars of revenue per month, possibly threatening their ability to produce the much-anticipated collector stamp series featuring historically significant uni-brows. Some experts agree that the announcement could bankrupt the USPS altogether.

The government-operated entity has attempted to organize several protests in retaliation to the announcement, but most efforts have thus far been ineffective as protesters consistently arrive several days late and often get “lost” en route, ending up in different states altogether. Anonymous sources say others arrive on location so unrecognizably disheveled that organizers find them completely useless.

A successful protest outside of Temple Square in Salt Lake City quickly escalated when the sole organizer asked protesters to take a number and wait their turn to air grievances one person at a time.

Retired postman Cliff Clavin attended the rally but says that the USPS is lucky to have benefited from the Church’s business for as long as they have.

“The USPS was doomed the moment V.A. Shiva Ayyadurai invented email in 1978. The postal workers are going to be hit hardest by the Church’s announcement, but if anyone is to blame it’s the government bureaucrats who consistently fail to adapt to an ever-changing technological world,” he said. “Mitt Romney should have been appointed as Postmaster General years ago.”

Authorities say demonstrations have been short lived and mostly nonviolent, though several paper cuts have been reported.

A spokesman from the Church responded this morning to USPS. “We regret any ill will this change has caused with the USPS, but data analysis tells us that it is simply much more time effective to beam our mail all the way to a satellite in outer space and back down into the recipient’s inbox rather than use the traditional mail service provided by the government,” he said.

Sources report that public opinion of the USPS has drastically dropped to levels even comparable to another infamous organization run by the government—the DMV—a feat which few thought possible.

Historians are calling backlash from USPS management “the most severe since Tom Hanks’ revolutionary romantic comedy You’ve Got Mail hit theaters.”

The newsroom has reached out to the current Postmaster General for comment. His reply is expected to arrive within three to five weeks.

 


Just a reminder — this article is satirical.

David Snell is a proud member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's the Founder of The Sunday Pews, and has experience writing for Mormon Newsroom Pacific, KBYU11, Classical 89 Radio, FamilyShare.com and plenty more. He tries not to take himself too seriously and just wants to brighten your day a bit.