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Ok, so I am hesitant to say too much here, but my ex husband was cheating (with 5 different women, and yes I found out by checking his phone, for the first time ever in 14 years), and I honestly never saw him eyeing up other women in my presence. I guess he was too busy behind my back. After helping me through a devastating break up, my friend began to wonder about her own husband. Her husband is a good guy and I have repeatedly told her not to let my husbands appalling behavior affect her great marriage by suspecting him of something he isn't doing. What I am saying is, don't let other people's problems interfere in your very personal and private marriage. You have no idea what really goes on between a couple, you only know what they want you to know. Have you spoken to your Bishop? maybe he can help or maybe your ward has a couples Councillor service? Don't bottle it up, it won't go away by itself, but be prepared to admit that its maybe you that needs to have a change of feelings not your husband. Wish I could be more helpful. God bless you x

Lets talk about your husband's defensiveness... You are basically accusing him of adultery (in his heart if no where else). Now just image how hurt and defensive you would be if it was your husband accusing you of being adulteress. Hopefully by pondering that you can gain some empathy for why your husband is acting the way he is. Its also been my experience that most women greatly underestimate the power of the male sex drive. Its not something that gets turn off or on like a light. Its something that must be constantly reigned in and controlled. The good and honorable men in the world will get really good a controlling it, but control is not going to be perfect. There will be times when thoughts or gaze linger more then it should. They will correct and stop once they realize it, but it happens. Thus most guys will feel they can and should do better then they are currently, even if were they are currently is really, really, good. That can lead to feeling a bit guilty even when rationally they are doing very well. And feelings of guilt even if irrational can also lead to defensiveness

I listened to his interview on Mountain West Radio this morning (at least as much as I could before work got in the way) and I really feel for him because I recognize the same tone he has with what I had when I was first excommunicated - no humility (humility being submitting ourselves to the will of our Heavenly Father) and lots of pride. I had to lose everything short of my life before I decided to humbled myself and accept what had happened and truly become obedient and turn myself to God. Before anyone misconstrues what I'm saying, I chose to do what it took to come back into the church. I know of others who humbled themselves, accept what had happened and turned to God who decided not to come back to the LDS church. They also have found comfort and their lives have become much better because they not only became obedient to the word of God, they developed a personal relationship with God. What I'm saying is that, and if by some weird confluences of events I'm actually asked, my advice to him would be to step out of the public eye, concentrate on what is important (his marriage and family), work at developing a personal relationship with his Father in Heaven and leave the rest alone. Otherwise, he risks losing it all.

Mr. Dehlin has been very public about this, almost to the point of being exhibitionist. In the latest news he quotes his stake president's letter at length, which says very reasonable things, such as: "I acknowledge your right to criticize the Church and its doctrines and to try to persuade others to your cause. But you do not have the right to remain a member of the Church in good standing while openly and publicly trying to convince others that Church teachings are in error." I agree completely. I'm astonished this excommunication didn't happen years ago.

Based on they way I respond to images of women, I find this idea very disturbing.

Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography? This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and in my opinion it shows what kind of people your friends are. You should ignore anything they say, and not give their concerns another passing thought. You and your husband are happy. Stay that way.

The name of this post sounds like a Harry Potter book. Harry Potter and The Wandering Eyed Husband

I think one thing to remember is. The Church never made any of these things public. Either before or after. It was those going before the disciplinary council that have made things public. The Church has only responded to briefly clarify those things said against it publicly.

Perhaps it's more that the Church does not want this controversial blogger to be misunderstood as speaking authoritatively about the church. Apparently his thoughts are now such that he is to be considered an outsider. As such, current members--especially those who may be wavering in their doctrinal faith--will now know better than to look to him for approved understanding.

happywife81.... Clearly your short post can't cover everything. But you have given us nothing that justify a lack of trust in your husband. You appear to have let your friends problems poison your heart about your healthy relationship. Repent or you run the risk of destroy a good and happy marriage

Yes, by all means, this is no time to be soft. The decisions made during the divorce may last a life time. It is not about being punitive, it is about protecting your interest and the interest of the children. You may love her and feel compassion, but the law (her lawyer) isn't going to measure that when it strips you to the bone because they know just exactly what I said; what happens now may last a lifetime and they want the most. I hate that my own tone had to change from "please try to make it work" to "don't give an inch". It is only from watching others go through this process that I know you'll get the short end of the stick unless you hold tight. You can be compassionate later - literally, you can always choose to help more later.

Excommunicated. I wish him well because, speaking of one who has been ex'd, it's going to be a hard road if he decides to come back.

Hello - my name is Greg Batty and I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all my life. My wife, Ann, and I have two pretty amazing children who are actually adults now. That's a hard one to wrap our heads around. Just like you, we have had a lot of adventures that we have loved, as well as rough times we are glad to have weathered. Because of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we have been able to learn some pretty amazing lessons from all the experiences that combine to make up our personal journey. Because of the Atonement, we have been able to start again when we blew it. Because we know God as our Father, the Savior as our Brother, and the undeniable truth of their teachings, we want to share some of our lessons learned in case it could help to make your journey just a little better. Many of our thoughts and new understandings are on our site at ChooseToDanceInTheRain.com Some of the things we've been working through are some intense neurological issues, my struggle with being Bipolar, and not allowing my same-sex attraction to cause any pain in our family. We've certainly got a lot to still learn, but I can honestly say that in spite of all our problems, we are incredibly happy. Isn't that what the gospel is all about?

Happy - Since he just keeps shutting you down, write a letter. That way you speak your peace and can take your time doing so and put things in a way that is fair to both of you.

There is a good deal of debate about the extent and true damage of the Inquisition, as well as of the Crusades. The current dogma that Christians of all stripes are culpable for the MASSIVE killings and torture of that era, in which innocent, almost-angelic victims suffered at the hands of a corrupt, demonized Christian church is such a ridiculous caracture. What really galls that is that our President chose this time and venue to explore those issues. Never mind the current day's beheadings, torture, genocide, forced conversions, pedophile rape, genital mutilation, and terror war--no no--it's all morally equivalent to that which happened a millenia ago. The President does not want to admit we are at war. He'd rather have a classroom discussion about the specks in our eye, rather than actually have to deal with an enemy that, unlike him, really is DEADLY serious.

I truly wish you the best OP. But I wanted to make sure I understood. Your husband had immorality issues before you got married. You were okay with that and were married. You don't have any complaints about him as a husband, father, lover...etc. He is faithful to you, to his callings, to his covenants. You hear that your friends husbands look at porn and Bam...Now, because of his past, you distrust your husband enough to dig through his things (because he had immorality issues prior to your marriage ) and find nothing alarming. You watch his every move and even track his eye movement to find something alarming. Since now you have finally nailed him, you confront him and now your distrust is worse than ever? In no way am I saying that this isn't real to you. And I also understand that it is impossible for you to note down the complete story of your relationship. But from what I read, you wanted to find a problem so bad that you now have created one.

Well, dear, you can't base your husband's fidelity on the experience of your friends and their husbands. Just because Susan's husband cheated doesn't mean yours is. Paranoia is unhealthy and destructive to a good marriage. If he repented of his no-mission problem, be done with it. As for the wandering eye, there is a big difference between the aforementioned leering and drooling and a man noticing an attractive woman. And for goodness's sake, stop going through his things.

Or, as a friend of mine tells his wife, "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu." (But I don't think comments like that are helpful to a solid marriage.)

You should be comfortable discussing it with him without doing it in accusing manner or creating an argument. It doesn't me he won't be offended or take it wrong, but you have a right to raise the issue. If you marriage is strong, he'll adjust his behavior to be less conspicious about his wandering eyes. I don't think you can get a man to not have wandering eyes, but you can ask him to not make you feel uncomfortable in certain circumstances.

After I was baptized into the Church, a wonderful LDS woman in my ward turned me on to Postum, and I drank it every day. It was available at any Safeway, but they always kept it on the very bottom shelf and nobody ever bought it, so every jar I bought often had dirty water marks from where wet mops had slapped it when they washed the floors. They stopped making Postum a few years ago, but it still has its own website*, and you can order it today from some specialty distributor who acquired the license and trademark or whatever from Kraft. But it costs $10.50 a jar and $6.00 shipping, so I've never ordered it. I get Pero and its competitor Cafix all the time from Whole Foods. Totally herbal, with a kick and a tang not unlike those of coffee. I can't work without a warm beverage next to me. I have one now, in a monster cup that my coworkers nicknamed "The Jacuzzi." *The notion of Postum having its own website is almost as bizarre as the notion of an online dating site for the Amish. There really is one (http://www.amish-online-dating.com), and if you go there you hear background music of birds chirping, cows mooing, and wagons passing by. The "Quick Search" box allows "bonnets" to seek "beards" and vice versa.

We are giving you practical advice. You just don't seem to be comprehending what we are telling you. The sizes aren't U.S. Sizes. They are sizes set by the church as the church is the manufacturer. If it has been a while since you bought garments, your old size may not apply as sizing and numbering change from time to time. As has been previously mentioned. The ladies at the distribution center are trained in selling garments, including the materials, sizing and any changes. There also should be sizing charts readily accessible to you at the distribution center. Have you looked for those? As has been already stated, the church website has all of this information right there in the section where you order garments. Take your measurements and read the sizing charts. Read the one for the specific type of material you want to buy. Sizing will vary for the different materials, so this step is important. No one here can tell you what size to buy. Take your measurements and consult the sizing charts. That will tell you what size in that particular garment you should get. There is really no other information to give you. You gotta do the work.

Why are you presuming that cigarettes and drugs are absolute nos but tea and coffee are debatable? This is not debatable. That's not to say that some won't debate it. But that's, frankly, irrelevant, because debate does not define the Lord's standards. Prophets do. And where do you get the idea that three glasses of wine a year is, "what most members believe when it comes to alcohol"? You said it yourself, the prophets have declared it a law. It is. There are no exceptions to the core "don'ts" of the word of wisdom.

Again this is why I say, look at the sizing charts on the lds.org site. They run off of inches or centimeters, not any pre-designated sizes.

Why some Christians vote Democrat: They perceive that Democrats . . . 1. are more concerned about minorities and the poor 2. care more for the enviornment 3. protect American jobs from foreign competition 4. are more humane in times of war 5. won't deport my family or I 6. will help me with grants, aid, etc. 7. will make things more even between me and the rich 8. respect women and their opinions more ETC. Not saying I agree with any of those...but if someone sincerely believes some of these types of ideas we may fault their wisdom, but we ought not judge their spirituality.

I'm sorry to hear this, Zero. It's a tough place. Please keep in mind this is your wife's decision. You tried your best to make the marriage work. You need both people to work the marriage correctly. Talk to a lawyer. No reason you should be working two jobs to pay alimony while she doesn't work. (Yes, she's in for a hard dose of reality.) A teacher at my school went through a divorce some years' back... and returned to teaching only because she realized the child support and welfare wasn't enough for her not to work. She'll figure it out, poor thing. And poor you. Stay strong in the gospel, but avoid any polarization. We gave our kids full freedom for religious choices. My ex and I could speak for our own beliefs, but never against.

NightSG: I am sorry to be the one to make this suggestion - but there is an old definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over and over again - expecting that eventually the results will be different. Knowing nothing about the current dating climate or your individual circumstance may I suggest that you look at this as a learning opportunity. Think about making some changes to yourself; either spiritually or physically (or both). Please do not think of this as rude because I honestly do not know enough about what is going on - Just that I believe in making changes when what is going on is not working and the fact that the only changes that you can really make have to do with yourself and not others.

I may not have been clear on a most important point. Like the president I am very concerned about inhuman acts by men turning away from G-d. But I am most concerned is about what believers do when such events are taking place. I believe the great mistakes of history are turning our backs on those in need of our help and standing up to end what we know is evil. I do support those willing to speak out - not just against the evil being done but those willing to let such evil be done - when ever and where ever evil is unleashed. Those that stood by in history are as misguided as our Presidents efforts to do and say as little as possible now.

I want to be able to see this as his issue and not be "dragged into a watch dog role" but in marriage it really is OUR issue. I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past and we talked about it daily. He helped me, I was open with him about what I had eaten that day, he would check on me daily etc. I feel if 1 person in the marriage is struggling then you both are in the trenches together daily with that burden. I think when we have a mind set of my issue or his issue this gives room for secrets and slip ups in my opinion.

A wife should never tell anyone else about private marital matters. Exceptions might possibly include a religious leader, in rare circumstances, or even more rarely, a trusted friend for counsel. That is not at all what this sounded like. Just idle chatter and gossip. Stomach-turning.

I checked too. It's Jerry Falwell. And the next quote is: Sound, balanced teaching is a must. Our default should be to partake. Our default should be to live in joy, not condemnation. Our default should be to love, not to correct, to encourage, not to criticize. Clue: The person who said this is also non-LDS. :) M.

Yes, it's commonly used between friends and colleagues or workmates. Of course, there are variations: "ich muss (ma)l verschwinden", "ich muss (mal) kurz verschwinden", "lass mich mal kurz verschwinden" (let me leave for a moment) , "ich verschwinde mal kurz" etc. But don't say it to the waiter unless you have paid. (Just a joke)

I always assume when a group is put in a box it is meant in a general sense not in an every-single-individual-in-this-group sense. Obviously some men don't enjoy looking at women at all, and just as obviously most men do. Just like, at least in my experience, most women *are* suckers for babies. I have weekdays off so I often end up running errands with my 18 month old, I, okay he, sure does get a lot of attention when he is with me. I expect some buck this trend. Besides I'd rather be in a baby loving box than the boxes we men get put into. Most of them are not nearly as flattering. As for the op, as a man I can vouch for the fact that we can look and not lust. I've caught myself many times, I can't vouch for wether my wife has ever noticed, she has never brought that to my attention. The fact that you had to look for it makes me believe his looking isn't the lusting kind, it's probably just the noticing something kind.

Night - for what it's worth - if you have a 'desperate vibe' that would be a turn off and work against you. I don't know you so this is for others that might read this just as much as it is for you.

The church's official response to his excommunication They also provided the letter from the disciplinary hearing (pdf).

I am a newlywed, so my opinion may not weigh much. But I do have quite a bit of experience in what is going on here. From the reverse side. I am the type of guy who will go into a room and survey everything. I look at all the peoples, see who is in the room, male or female. I will look at everybody. If a girl speaks in class, I look at her, same with a guy. And if a person walks behind me or I see something out of the corner of my eye, I look to see what is going on. At first, my wife was fine with these types of things. But after we got married her worries started to take the better of her. It got to the point where I would look up from our shopping cart at wal-mart, and the next thing I knew I was being accused of looking at some girl that I didnt even know was in my line of site. In fact, last night I was looking at soup cans, and I found myself being accused of looking at something (24 hours later I still have no idea what I was supposed to be looking at). I also have been accused to wanting sexual things when I HAVE looked at a girl and admitted it. Allow me to explain what I mean - At wal-mart. I was looking at popcorn, a woman about my age comes and says excuse me, I turn and look at her to make sure I step aside to let her pass. The next thing I know I am being told I wanted this woman. - Then at a restaurant this girl - again my age - was cleaning around my table, I kept looking to make sure my chair was not in her way, and again, because I looked multiple times, I had to deal with a bit of anger from my wife. However, I do the same thing with men my age or not. And older women. And my wife pays no mind. My wife IS DOING much better these days. Her anger is not as big as it was a few weeks ago. She is working very hard to change how worried she gets about things. Building trust in me as her husband. However, the reason why I point out these examples, is because the worry was not helping. In fact things got so bad that divorce became a very real option. I know you will probably never go as far as my wife has in the past. But accusations and worry really build nothing. Wondering and worry and being safe is fine.Even healthy at times. We are born with ability to protect oursleves from emotional and physical harm. But when you worry so much it starts eating you - and it starts to eat the relationship. Dont let this consume you, it wont help. However, if it is something that bothers you so deeply. A great place to open up is in the celestial room, pray about this, but you can also talk to your husband about things there. It helped my wife and I in recent weeks. The biggest thing to build though - is trust. The biggest problems in my infant marriage has been caused because trust issues between my wife and I. I believe trust is something you have to continue building as well. It can be lost or built constantly.

Being married doesn't mean you can't admire the looks of someone from the opposite sex. Being married doesn't automatically put blinders on you.

From a man's perspective... Certain behaviors are hardwired into the human brain. One is movement. Show me a computer screen with thousands of dots, and it will take me a long time to find one dot that has a different color from all the others. But if you start jiggling the dot, my eye will find it in about one-tenth of a second. That's why there's so much movement in advertising. Similarly, human eyes are hardwired to notice certain things, and those things differ by gender. If you're a woman and you want to understand what it's like to be a man, think about how you would notice babies as you go through your day. If you see a baby on the street or in the grocery store your eyes are pulled directly to them and they are very, very interesting. I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women. The images are very interesting and your eyes are pulled toward them automatically before you even know what you are doing. Obviously you can take this too far, and if your husband is leering and drooling then I'd say you have a problem. But a simple wandering eye? Par for the course. And... if I may say this politely and constructively... if there are trust issues in your marriage, they might pertain more to the privacy of emails, texts, and browser histories.

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Regardless of how one may feel about the merits of the "big four", since 1930 it has been the policy of the Church that use of them is cause to deny one admittance to the temples. Personally, I can live with this as being similar to the Jewish food rules. Those rules are obsolete in these modern times, but the Jews still observe these rules as commandments as well as part of "Jewishness". Observing the prohibition of the big four is a part of Mormonness!

trolls...not much room for them with the bridge, river and all...

He's doing movie reviews, I think, but Snide Remarks has been dead in the water for about a year. Ironically, given the above, late last year Snider came out as gay (see here, which also contains a separate link to a more exhaustive Facebook post) but also announced that it doesn't define him and he remains a faithful Latter-day Saint.

Since it's time to lawyer up - get the best one you can possibly afford. It makes a huge difference! Sorry things have gone this way.

As others have said she is in lala land. Obviously she hasn't done research on the affects of divorce on children. The life of hard knocks . . . Personally, I think divorce laws are messed up in this country. IMO the filing partner should not have cause to get access to the other's financial resources unless they are divorcing for cause (i.e. abuse, adultery). This would obviously be a no-fault divorce and I think it is ridiculous that she would be able to get access to both children and money simply because she wants to live her life with no responsibility and no strings attached. I think that is a grand injustice that she can divorce no-fault and get access to money. That's called being a gold-digger, I have no respect for individuals who mooch off the backs of others hard work. So yes, protect yourself as much as possible now. This is imperative. You seem like a good guy and while this is going to be extremely rough for you-you want to be in the position that at some point you'll be able to move on.

Anytime there is more than one Ward in a building there seems to be lots of finger pointing. We have two in our building and we have blame the other Ward syndrome as well.

You can approach any male you are comfortable with - by phone, or whatever. You want to have relative assurance they are priesthood holders, so as not to potentially embarrass them, but even then, they might find someone for you.

Don't discount your voice! Someone obviously needs to speak up so why not you?! Honestly, I've taken matters into my own hands before (and am about to again). I also brought up an issue with the ward council (mentioned the problem, offered a solution as well as my efforts to execute). Things haven't necessarily been followed (I didn't expect perfection but now they know someone's paying attention) but at least I did something and am no longer just sitting there being bothered. The environment is important and has an impact on reverence and the ability to focus on learning (it's even mentioned in Teaching, No Greater Call) so speak up and act (type up some signs!) until others get a clue. You never know how many others have been thinking the same thing and would appreciate your voice for change. Consider it anonymous service! :)

Hey, Christ called us to walk to extra mile. That means we can drive it too. Really, driving is just part of life when LDS densities are spread out. My stake covers ~500 sq miles, you get used to the drive (welcome to Wyoming!).

Well, I'll say one thing for him; he's got more people praying than any President I can remember. Granted, a lot are praying that he'll go away and take Biden with him, but still.

The Church is, as has been said, neutral. Personally--I believe all life starts out innocent and is worthy of state action in order to preserve it. But I also believe that that innocence can be forfeited through a sustained pattern of especially heinous behavior, to the point that it can sometimes be in the best interest of all concerned to end that life as painlessly as possible. But given how costly the execution process has become in the American judicial system, I'm not convinced it's worth it anymore. Any deterrence value the death penalty carries is more than nullified by the public outpouring of sympathy for the perpetrator that the modern American media inevitably incites.

I'm a registered Republican but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't vote for someone from another party if I felt they were the best person for the job.