katiekins

Hi Everyone, I need HELP...my dad (who is 57) is graduating from College tomorrow. He has been working on his degree on and off for decades! We are all so proud of him and that he never gave up on his dream, even amidst a bustling career, (being bishop and on high council) a busy life and 4 daughters to take care of! I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if any of you felt like sharing a brief message of encouragement, appreciation, congratulations etc. for my father's wonderful achievement. I am trying to compile messages to him from around the world and make a card for him (with my message along with it). It would be really helpful if you left your name or initials and the state you live in. Thanks in advance to anyone who wants to participate. :D

It sounds to me that your husband has a problem that he's not telling you. Does he have a problem with pornography? He is sounding shady and guilty like porn addicts do. I know this from experience. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss this further. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am going through a lot at the moment too. Best wishes! I'm praying for you!

I would definitely recommend letters just like it has been said. Letters are amazing even if you don't actually give them to you husband. They give you a chance to get all your feelings out. They don't have to make sense, be grammatically correct, or even flow normally. Just start writing and it will amaze you what will come out and how much clarity you gain by writing. I often write letters just to figure out how I really feel about things. I also find it really helpful to write letters to each other in tender or hurtful situations. The letters don't talk back, you can finish your thoughts without interruptions. Then each spouse has the time to read, reflect and respond to the feelings in the letter. I wish you the best and hope that you will be comforted in this difficult time. Much love, Katie

I don't remember how I found out about all of it at first. I found out about the first time he actually cheated because I felt the spirit tell me something was wrong. We don't have kids, just a dog but he is like our kid. He has since been disfellowshipped and changing his habits. He reads his scriptures and prays everyday, something he never did regularly before. I know that I will leave him if he cheats again. I cannot and will not deal with that. Right now, I just don't know what to do. I have heard his stories so many times and had so many promises broken. I love him so much and everyone including my husband think that he loves me so much and that he is working to get out of this. He says he doesn't want anything to do with anyone and that I am the only one that matters to him. He says that he has never wanted anything from porn or other girls and he hates that he does this and that he will overcome it. I obviously don't believe anything he says because I have heard it all before just to be let down again. The porn issue has gone on and off for about 2 years. The hooker incident was once about 2 months ago. I am just really at a loss and seeking HF guidance. I have felt like I should stay before but I am scared to do anything. I am going to have an uphill battle either way. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to get screwed again. We used to have the perfect relationship and he agrees with that. I just don't know. I could go on forever...

Thank you Candace and cintiejoe! I really needed your support and advice. I am so glad that I joined this forum. So much great love and advice and I really felt your hug Candace! It made me smile. May all of us find our strength in the Lord and have the wisdom to follow his paths. Me especially :)

Thank you everyone for your great advice. I really appreciate the time everyone took to try and help me. I know the road is long and that in the end, no one knows what to do but me and Heavenly Father. I am going to the temple tomorrow to try and sort it all out.

It costs about 900 to 1500 depending upon which type of enrollment you choose. The course is the same no matter what, it just comes with different benefits and options (graduate consultation, more reference books, resume help, job placement help etc...) The course can take a person as little as 3-4 months if you work at it fulltime, but most people finish it within a year. I think it took me 8 or 9 months.

Misshalfway- Thanks for standing up for me! You are already my best friend! Great advice! Checkerboy- I agree with a lot that you said. I think your last post was much more informative and helpful and explained your views better. I completely agree with what you and misshalfway have discussed. This issue is tough for everyone and we all have such strong feelings about it. I respect your advice and experience. I hope I didn't make you think otherwise. We are all going to be so much more refined because of all of our horrible trials. I wish you the best in mending you heart after your nightmare with your wife. I wish us all the best. Addicts and the abused alike.

I work at home doing medical transcription. There are so many perks and it can really be a lucrative field. I know of people who bring home 5,000 a month doing it but it definitely takes effort and practice. I would sincerely recommend the Career Step program! All of my sisters and I took their medical transcription course and received more than 1 legitimate job offer after graduating. I love my job and am so happy there. Send me a message if you are going to sign up and tell them I referred you. A lot of companies waive their 2 year experience requirement for Career Step graduates.

Momoftwobabies- I can pretty much echo your sentiments exactly. I wish you and your husband the best in recovery. We are almost in the exact situation. I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this. It's really strange how much we need such horrible trials to grow. I have grown so much already with more love, patience, forgiveness and I know I have so much to improve on. It's interesting how we have to be at the depths in order to grow to our potential. Just wish it would be easier... But then again not much comes easily.

Thanks Lindsayjane- I am sorry to hear about your regret. But we live and learn I guess. I agree that nothing will tell me what to do but the spirit. It's just nice to connect with others and share experiences. I wish you the best and hope that you can find your happiness.

Checkerboy- I appreciate your input but feel some of your comments rather harsh at the moment. Boundaries have to be set and I really feel that there really are no more room for slip ups. I think it is ridiculous to tell me that I can't run because he slips up. I have stood by him for 2 years and have done nothing but believe in him and support him and he is grateful for that. But there are boundaries and I will not tolerate another "actual infidelity" in the flesh. I am sorry that you had to tolerate more and that your wife was so horrible to you. I understand a lot of the addiction and have been to a counselor, read several books, and talked with several older and wiser people who have dealt with it all. I appreciate a lot of your comments, you made a lot of valid points.

FunkyTown- thanks for your prayers. That is one thing I could definitely use more of. It is still too early to tell if he is really changed this time or not. I can feel the sincerity in his sorrow, but it still cannot repair the pain I feel and he knows that. What is different is that he told me today that he prays mightily for me. He asks Heavenly Father to comfort me and help me with the pain he has caused. So that is something different and promising. The worst part is that when we were dating I told him the 2 things I could not stand....liars and cheaters. The boundaries were set from the beginning. Maybe I jinxed myself. Maybe I should have told him that I can't stand horses and doggies...lol.. I LOVE horses an dogs. Maybe my life would have been surrounded by them then. :)

Thanks Misshalfway. My husband seems to be on the real repentance path this time. But I have been so blinded in the past that I don't want to get myself comforted into my beliefs about what is or is not happening.... I hope that made sense. His story does seem to have more feeling about it and seems to be so much more gospel centered. He seems to have realized that even if we can't stay together... which he always says would break his heart.... his salvation is at stake and is willing to live right not just for us but for him and God. But then again, how much can I believe and trust? His words are indeed meaningless and he knows that. But he is following it up with action now, it's just a matter of time to see how long that lasts. I do know that I will not stand for slipups anymore, especially not any infidelity in physical form and he knows his days with me are limited and on an extremely slippery slope. I haven't really thought about a therapist. We've been to LDS family services before. I don't have any money for it. I guess I could ask bishop. I am going to post this thread on our group too. Thanks for listening.

Hi Everyone, I just found and joined this site today. My life has just been turned upside down and I need somewhere to go for support and advice. So here goes my story... I am 22 years old and my life has always been wonderful. I was blessed with an amazing family and never had any real trials growing up. I am very close with my family and would consider myself an extremely happy and fun person. I am always smiling and make friends easily. I grew up in the gospel and have grown to love it more and more everyday. My testimony is indeed unshakable. I met my husband at a singles ward and fell in love with him immediately. We dated were married 1 year after we met. I was 19 he was 25. He served a mission, was an eagle scout and was a priesthood holder. We had a wonderful first 2 years of marriage. We were perfect together. We had so much fun, we were each other's best friends and didn't care about anything else but each other. Soon enough, I found out that my husband had been struggling with pornography and masturbation. This was devastating enough to me. He went through a 12 step program, we went to counseling, he met with the bishop and started the repentance process. He said he had a change of heart and wanted nothing to do with pornography and that he was so deeply sorry for what he had done to me. After all, he never wanted anyone else, he didn't like what he was doing. He knew it was wrong and he felt disgusted with himself.... 6 months later he had been completely free from pornography and masturbation. He was going to start taking the sacrament again and we would soon be reunited in the temple. Things were looking up for us again and our marriage was blossoming once again. We always have so much fun together and tell each other everything. It was not until this Wednesday that I found out that he went to a porn store a month ago on business. I was torn apart that he would do that when he was doing so good. But I was starting already to begin to deal with that and help him move on. After all , I know the likelihood of relapse in an addiction. The goal is to make them few and far between and less severe until they happen no more and the person has changed. But to my dismay, that was not the end of the confession. After my heart sank to my stomach, I asked him what else he had done wrong. I could feel it and my intuition has never been wrong about us. After he lied and denied it, the confession came out that he picked up the phone book in his hotel room and ordered a stripper/callgirl. He had so much time to reverse the situation, but he didn't. There was no sex, but there was touching and she touched him until climax. I am so completely devastated and I wonder why I fight for someone who treats me like this. I am sick of all of his fake words because he has said them all before. I can recite them. It's always "I am such a bad person. You mean everything to me. You are so beautiful and I love you more than anyone. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I will be better. I have to be better." A few days have passed since I found out such terrible news. We are both meeting with the bishop tomorrow and my husband's speeches do seem to have a little more meaning. I know the problem before was that he never really acted or was consistent with the advice he was given. He never exercised, read his scriptures, prayed consistently. He let his guard down. He has already done more with action this time then he ever has before. I have seen him reading his scriptures and writing down things he needs to do and placing goals on paper. He now has a daily schedule for what do with his time and he has budgeted time for scriptures, journaling, church things, exercising, house work, enriching hobbies. He has his own room in our house now. He has put pictures of the temple, letters I have written to him expressing my grief and feelings, and pictures of us on the wall. But I still find myself not believing anything he says. I look at him so much differently. I am so disgusted to think about what he has done. I keep replaying in my head what that moment in the hotel must have looked like. How he could have treated me this way when our marriage has always been so perfect. He has always been my world. I would be devastated without him and he claims to feel the same about me. He cries when he talks about how bad he feels and how terrible he feels to see me like this. But this has happened before. The speeches, the tears, the empty promises. How much more can I take? How many chances do I need to give? I am at the end of my rope and at a loss. I feel myself drifting fast. But still I get feelings that I need to stay even though I am so devastated. I can't picture a future with him. I know it is because I am in the moment but still. How can we mend what has been so destroyed. There is no trust. How could I ever be intimate again with him? How could we raise a family? My husband is convinced that he is changed and is continuing to change. He says that this time is different because he is going to be consistent with his spirituality and keeping himself worthy of his covenants. He knows that is the reason why he has failed before. He says no matter what happens with our marriage, that he is going to fix himself for him and for the gospel. That he will be who he wants and needs to be. He wants to be clean again and he sincerely hopes that I will find a way to let the Savior comfort me and heal my pain that we may have a future together. He says he knows it is going to be hard and he is willing to do whatever it takes and work everyday to fix himself and what he has destroyed. He says that I deserve so much better and that I need to be happy, even if that means leaving him. He says that I have every right to feel the way I do and that I would be perfectly justified in leaving him. I just don't know what to do anymore. There are so many feelings and yet the gospel remains in my ears. I am a strong person and am very driven. I already have a career at home that I started to earn money when we have kids, and I have one semester left to earn my BA in advertising. I have everything in the world going for me. But I am so scared to be alone but so devastated that I could leave. I am such a huge ball of emotions and my sentiments on the subject change every moment. Sometimes I feel the spirit whispering to stay and see what he makes of it. Then I feel Satan telling me to leave the jerk and I know that he tries so hard to destroy strong families. And we were soooo strong before this past year. But then again I know infidelity is inexcusable and no one at church would oppose me doing what I felt needed to be done for my own wellbeing. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is he really going to change this time? Do I have it in me to move on even if he does change? How can I rebuild after the worst damage I could even imagine? How can I let the Savior heal me? So anyways I think everyone gets the story. I could blabber for days. I already did. I will be surprised if someone reads all of this :) I am just so lost. I am going to the temple on Tuesday and hopefully I will receive some inspiration, healing, and clarity about where to go from here. Thanks for any advice and for listening.