justme78

A few other things I wanna throw in :-) Stop using huge dinner plates for your meals. Buy a few small 7" salad plates, and have those be your "meal" plates. People tend to fill up the plates that they have. 1/2 of that plate should be covered with veggies or a salad. Then 1/4 protein, then go ahead and have the small baked potato that you know you want. Of course...it's better if you find a way to eat it without all of the butter, sour cream, and bacon bits...but that's up to you and what you want to lose. DO snack in between meals. I know everyone has heard this lately, but it is a good practice. Have a string cheese or a yogurt. Get in some dairy for the day. Generally if you focus on making sure that you get the nutrients and the water that you should be getting throughout the day, a lot of times you'll find that you're not really hungry for anything else. It's been a while since I saw the nutritionist, and my body works differently (I had gastric bypass last year), but in trying to work with my niece and nephew who begged for my help. I made a little booklet for them to cross off what they're eating every day, and I only gave them 1 new thing to focus on each week. For the first week, their booklet only had 8 "w's" for each day. As they drank a glass of water (and I showed them the size it that it had to be), they could cross off a w. That gives them a healthier way to "obsess" over food while they're re-learning good habits. The next week I added pictures of 3 cartons of milk to represent 3 servings of dairy that they should be getting each day, as they're growing kids. I then continued over the next couple of weeks adding 3 v's, for veggies, then rounded it off with fruit for each day. They're still allowed to have a "treat" if they would like...but only after they've had everything that they're supposed to have first. I found that with focusing on what they should be eating rather than focusing on that they can't...they're actually doing well. Sure, they'll still have a brownie here or there...but it's now as a "dessert" after having gotten the nutrition in, rather than "just because it's there" and having it replace the good stuff they should be having. They still struggle with the protein...it can seem like a LOT to have to eat in a day...but I cut them a little slack on that as long as they make sure to have some form of protein with each meal. We'll start to get more strict later. To start, I only implemented 1 little change each week. Not sure that helps anyway, but it seems to be working for them :-) Just a thought!

Icy Hot is one of my favorite things *ever* for sore muscles. I'm not allowed Aleve or ibuprofen or anything anymore...so Icy Hot makes me a very happy girl...lol.

I know the situation is done and over with...but for the sake of possibly helping someone else out in the future I still have a suggestion. The easiest way to answer any question that someone might have regarding a possible step down would be to mention that your current position is not in line with the career path that is best suited for you. Sometimes it is necessary to go back to a more basic position to realign your experience with the goals that you have set for your career. I'm sorry, again, but we see this frequently at my work where people will take a promotion for more money, but they realize that it's not in alignment with where they would like to be in 5 years. Sometimes to step forward you have to take a step back. People tend to respect others who can recognize and act upon that realization.

Congratulations!! Weight loss is one of the most difficult things to accomplish, so I commend you for that. 60 lbs is amazing! Can't wait to hear about the mission call when it comes through :-)

Oh! I also meant to mention that it could also be fun to incorporate pictures of them or things/places/people that they know to represent things within the story :-)

Without knowing the nature of the story, or how long it would be, etc. There's a company that mainly does photo books that you could easily make your own "photo page" by typing it up on pages that are the correct size and saving them as jpegs. I know that sounds like a lot of effort, especially if it's longer...but it's all I know about :-) They usually end up being the size of a coffee table type book (not in thickness...as that's obviously up to you). I'm sorry if this doesn't help...but it's a possibility anyway if it doesn't get picked up by a publishing company! Picaboo - Photo Books and Cards (and they give you a code to get 50% off of your first order...so you could even order 2 books and it would end up only being the price of 1, hehe). Feel free to message me if you have any questions about it, as I've made quite a few and have *way* too much fun with it.

The one thing that seems to be missing from this is what you have the right to expect. Even as your child, you SHOULD let him go to jail over traffic tickets, and you SHOULD let him live on the streets if he is not giving you the respect that you deserve for the help that you provided. Now...jail and homelessness is a bit of an exaggeration, but it seems that he has a few too many "perks" if you ask me. The WoW account he's not paying for. Why does it have it to play? Is it his computer or is it yours? If it is his...why does he still own it when he could use money from it's sale to go towards paying you back? Why is he spending money going on dates when there are LOTS of free and fun things that can be done? These are the things that I don't understand. Now...I'm not married yet. At 30, however, I *have* dealt with a situation where my "best friend" was living with me and literally sucking away every ounce of energy I had. Long story short...my time has always been stretched thin...but it it's even remotely possible I will do everything that I can for just about anyone. Not a good trait...I'm working on boundaries. In this particular situation...she had been evicted. She literally has no family, and no other friends who could take her in. I stayed up all night on no notice completely clearing out a room for her, and when it came down to it, I even allowed her to bring her 2 cats (which I'm *extremely* allergic to) on the condition that they stay in her room until she could make other arrangements. Things went downhill from there. She ended up being hospitalized in the psych ward for 10 days due to her depression. At the time, I was playing a single working mom of 4 kids 45 minutes away from where she was being hospitalized. Every day I left work, went straight out to my brother's house to make sure the kids got dinner, then stopped at my house to pick things up for her (she realized new things that she needed *every* day), then drove up to the hospital to make sure she had a visitor for the 1 hour she was allowed (I will admit that I was late sometimes). I would then turn around to get home in time to get the kids to bed, crash, and wake up to be back at work at 7am the next day again to do it all again. When she got out of the hospital, the only thing she could tell me was how I had abandoned her. I could not believe my ears. Because she could tell that I was stressed when I would come to see her...that was considered abandonment. It was as if any sacrifice made by me to be there in the first place didn't exist. I tried to understand her emotional state at the time...and allowed her to stay (again, she literally had nowhere to go). My not giving her ground rules at that point...my not demanding appreciation or at the VERY least the respect that I deserved in my own home...was my downfall. That would have resolved the situation at that time one way or another. As time went on, I would come from from work knowing that she had let her cats wander around my condo (again...allergic), knowing that I would be doing her dishes again, knowing that the money that I had loaned her (and many of her other friends as I had later found out) was being spent on eating out at least 2 meals every day because she didn't want anything that was in the house or getting her nails done because she needed *something* to make her happy. She was even offering to buy things for the guy that she liked to try to "buy" his love at the time. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to explain where my experience came from because it's different from yours, but so very similar in the way it it being handled. I didn't have a marriage for her to ruin...but it was literally taking a toll on *everything* else in my life. I couldn't get things done at work. I was getting snippy with everyone else all the time. I was getting to a point where I was literally questioning my own sanity. Lack of appreciation for what you're doing and the lack of respect that he seems to have for you, your wife, and your house are the biggest issue here. I would first suggest sitting down with your wife to discuss the situation. Try approaching it from a different angle. Start the discussion with a simple question like "What is your ultimate goal for our son? Where would you like him to be in 5 years?" Once she answers that, you can slowly move on breaking the steps down. Allow her the opportunity to come up with the plan rather than telling her how she should be treating him. Ask her if she thinks that he has learned anything since being in your home. If she says yes...ask her to explain how he learned, and why she thinks he has learned that particular lesson. I think that through discussion where she needs to tell you the answers...she'll start to find that she doesn't have them. One thing that my parents have done with my siblings that have moved back in for assistance, is they have required rent...but it was always an amount that was discussed with the adults first as to what would be possible. They would then put the money away for the child so that when they moved out, they would have something to work with. Like a forced savings account. Sometimes my brother would have to go sell plasma in order to get my mom $50 a month...but there are always ways. Again...he still has possessions that are necessities...doesn't he? :-) (Again, I apologize for being so long winded!)

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. I agree with countrygirl66 about this time of the year. There's just something about it that enhances loneliness. I hope you don't mind my asking...but do you feel like you can't be friends with anyone else because you would be betraying your friendship with him while he is away, or do you feel it has more to do with an inability to make new friends? If you feel like you would be betraying him, then use it as something that you can share with him while he is away :-) Letters, tapes, pictures (not too many of course...he does have work to do ;-) ). I guarantee that he would be SO much happier knowing that you are happy, and that you are doing well. If it is due to feeling like you are not able to make new friends, I would suggest looking online for local groups regarding one of your interests. If you are *painfully* shy, it doesn't even have to be a group that you physically attend. There are SO many places online to go and unite with people with similar interests. For example...I *love* photography. I have an online group that I am a part of which does weekly challenges. This gives me some of those "dumb little things" to get excited about :-) It also gives you the chance to feel a sense of "belonging" even if you're not physically going out and "making new friends". Then eventually, who knows? You might decide that you could then venture out and find a local group to possibly stick your toes in to see if you feel comfortable with that. As far as the anorexic thing...I can very much relate to that. I'm not sure what your motivation is, or where the connection is with anorexia and the guy on the mission...so I'll just give you my story. I have always been overweight. When I started college, I weighed 220 lbs (and I'm only 5'3). I modified a couple of things (stopped drinking any form of carbonation...that's really the only change with my diet)...and with the combination of walking to all of my classes (which I didn't have a choice of), I ended up losing 60 lbs my first year of college without even knowing. I always wore clothes that were too big for me and I didn't own a scale while I was away from home, so I honestly had no idea. I would come home for weekends, and people would always ask if I was losing...and I would say, "*blink* are you kidding me?!? I'm sure I'm not!). I finally checked when I got home for the summer and was shocked. The next year, I felt the "need" to keep it going...but it had just stopped coming off. I didn't eat much as it was...so of course the only plan I could come up with was to stop eating. I lasted 3 days before I almost blacked out in the shower. I was "stupid" (smart) and told someone, and they forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while they watched. I felt ridiculous. That didn't stop me from attempting it here and there over the next few years...but I grew to learn that for some people, even that simply doesn't work. If your motivation is to lose weight, I would be MORE than happy to walk you through some things that made a huge difference in my life. My poor little 12 year old niece has been teased about her weight so mercilessly (kids are SO cruel!) that she has asked me to help come up with a plan for her. Feel free to message me if you would like some information on what we're doing :-) We're not doing any of the fad stuff, just concentrating on what we *should* be eating rather than what we shouldn't. It's actually been a lot of fun :-) If your motivation is more of a control issue (in a world where you may not have control of other things...I don't know), the above plan works well, also :-) I'm sorry this was so long. I was going to allow you to reply before I gave my advice, but I figure you're not the only person in the world with these issues, and maybe what doesn't help you can help someone else :-) Seriously, though. Feel free to message me (this goes for anyone) if you wanna chat about any of that stuff :-)

I apologize if I'm repeating something that someone else might have said. I haven't read all of the replies. My advice to your friend? Find ways to serve her husband. It is nearly impossible to not love someone that you are serving (as long as you're not doing it with a chip on your shoulder, hehe). I'm one of those people who firmly believe that any 2 people who have similar values can make a marriage work if they are both willing to try. Look at all of the arranged marriages in the world. Their divorce rate is 0% - 7% vs. the 55% in the world. (Ok, I got that off of Wikipedia...so take it with a grain of salt...lol). It reminds me of the movie "The Wedding Planner". In case you haven't seen it, Mary is played by Jennifer Lopez, and Salvatore is her dad. Salvatore tells Mary that his marriage to her deceased mother was arranged, to the extent that he first met her on the day they were married. He explains that while he eventually grew to love his wife, he first came to appreciate her as she cared for him through illness and hard times. Later he grew to respect her and following that he liked her. Over time, like grew into love. As far as the attraction goes...I understand that attraction plays an important role...but how far do you take it?? When we're all old and gray...we'll all be a combination of wrinkly, saggy, fat, scarred, crippled...does that mean that once everyone reaches that point it's ok to divorce? This is something that I've actually recently gained a greater respect for with my fiance. Over the last year and a half, I've lost 170 lbs. He loved me even before that. Now...my arms are saggy, my boobs are saggy, my legs are saggy, my tummy is all saggy, etc. I'm never going to be able to afford plastic surgery. I almost feel less attractive now than when I weighed 325 lbs. I get the "Hey, when we're old...this is what happens anyway. I just get the opportunity to show you that I'm not going anywhere. It all makes up YOU." He is always making me allow him to rub my belly, or play with my "bat wings", etc to help me get used to it and get past the self-consciousness. You choose who you are attracted to (to an extent, of course). There must have been *something* at some point to attract your friend enough for marriage. She owes it to him to try to find that again. Even if it wasn't physical...there was *something* about him that got her to say yes, and make all of the plans and kneel across that alter from him. I would encourage her to find it. I have a friend who married a 15 year old when he was 19 to help rescue her from her abusive family. Even if the ONLY reason she married him was to be "rescued" from something...why did she trust him to? What was it? Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble so much. I just think that simple service is often overlooked, and it is the *greatest* way to gain love and respect for someone :-)

Nope, I don't plan on lying to her at all. I plan on not bringing that part up yet. She knows it's a possibility as we discussed it already. I just don't plan on telling her one way or the other quite yet. Turns out it doesn't matter, because she's already upset enough that it was brought up in the first place. I can accept that she's upset enough that she doesn't want anything to do with my wedding. It doesn't mean that I have to start the tension immediately. Again, turns out that bringing it up was bad enough.

Before telling her that we plan on getting married civilly first (and hopefully next month if we can get the ball rolling quickly enough). She knows that it's a possibility because we talked about it last week (which caused a big fight of course *sigh*). Like I mentioned...we've already made the decision that we know is right for us. I know that she will make things as miserable as possible with the hopes of changing my mind. So...I want to allow her to be a part of it before she pushes me out. Then again...it's already started. A few weeks ago I had family in town and she was talking about how much fun it would have been for us all to go dress shopping. I brought it up today, and she rolled her eyes at me. Yeah. I was planning on living at their house while I tried to sell my condo (I'm currently staying with them anyway, as I have been recovering from 2 operations). Now...I think I'll need to live at my condo until the wedding just to simply keep the peace and to allow myself to be happy and excited about this absolutely wonderful event even though she can't be happy for me.

Not harsh at all :-) That's exactly how we came to the decision to just follow through and get it done. I have always been SO close with my family, that they know exactly how to get to me. I know I need to just be an adult and push through...and I know that time heals all wounds. I'm grateful that his family is so supportive and excited for us either way, so we won't be alone by any means. I've just always been the kind of person where disappointing people is a worse punishment for anything I ever did wrong than any of the other consequences. It's silly. Thank you guys for the advice, though. I'm planning on allowing my mom to be a part of the planning and everything as much as possible before telling her. I don't want her to regret not being a part of the planning process.

I was trying to not write a novel before, so I summarized a lot :-) The red flags have all been addressed. He is just as "afraid" of divorce as I am. Divorce for us is *not* an option. In both situations, his wives left him. The first was because he wanted to start going to church, and wanted her to stop dating other people (they got married really young...she was 15...and she blamed him for dragging her into a marriage so young, so she started dating). Even with the cheating, he wouldn't leave her. She ended up leaving him because of the church thing. His second marriage, he decided he wanted the exact opposite of his first wife. He set out looking for the MOST Molly girl he could find. He found her. She turned over magazines in the grocery store line so that he wouldn't look at the "immodest girls", she elbowed him hard if he didn't turn his head *immediately* when someone dressed immodestly came on tv, and he was only "allowed" to watch the BYU education channel and KBYU along with 1 or 2 other "pre-approved" shows. Even with all of this, he planned to stay with her forever. She used his history with his first wife against him (allowing his wife to date, among other things). She knew about it all before they got married, yet after they got married she realized she couldn't handle those things. She left him after only being married for 6 months, and did not even tell him when their daughter was born (that's a whole different issue). When we dated 4 years ago...his 2nd divorce was pretty fresh. He knew he loved me, but he was SO afraid because of how he jumped into the 2nd marriage. He refused to do that again because he wanted things to last. He does NOT believe in divorce, and he was dealing with the pain that his 2 prior wives did. That is why we stopped dating, but remained friends. He's been trying to heal himself and get to where he felt ready for a relationship. As soon as he realized he was ready, he was trying to get me to go out with him again. I wouldn't because of what happened before. I finally gave in, and I knew immediately that things were different, and we haven't looked back. I could go into more detail about the difference, but it's not important and it would make this story even longer :-) I'm definitely not getting married for the sake of getting married and not being single anymore. If I were going to do that, I would have gotten married a long time ago (I've been asked a few times, and it has *never* been right until now). We're not being ruled by hormones, that stuff is all definitely under control. With the possibility of having a weak moment I was presenting just 1 of the possibilities I have come up with for why we would get the answer that we did. Again...this was NOT a question of whether or not to get married in the temple first. We've prayed about it and there's no question that we're supposed to start our life together now. I was more looking for advice on how to present that to my family who will not understand. We discussed the eloping thing. He can't do that to his family (that's what he did with his 2nd wife). Luckily, I'm not worried about his family. They are so open and caring and supportive that they'll support whatever we decide. They all love me and welcome me completely. It's my family that is more judgmental and less accepting. Again, half of them will be accepting. They're so happy to see how happy I am that they'll accept anything. The issues with going to church and paying tithing really have gone hand in hand for a while. I forgot that I mentioned it in my introduction post but not here. It wasn't a matter of laziness, it was a matter of my self worth being called into question every week. I've had issues going to church by myself for a while. I feel *so* out of place alone because everything is all about families. I left church every week feeling like there was something wrong with me. Tithing goes along with that, because I would pay tithing while I was at church. Since I wasn't there, I wasn't paying. It was about the same for him, but more to do with being offended by his bishop. Now, he knows that the gospel being true and that the people in the church are not perfect...but he's not perfect either (and I don't expect him to be, as I'm not either). So anyway, to make a long story longer...red flags have been addressed. This was all about how to deal with my family and hopefully help them to not be as judgmental. We both prayed on our own and got the same answer. (What's interesting is that I came up with the same reference to Nephi slaying Laban when I was first trying to come up with how to tell my family about getting the answer that I did). Oh, and we've decided already that we are setting a date and moving forward. We both know we're supposed to get things going now, and we can't deny that. I was just hoping for any advice that might alleviate the contention that I know is coming. I've already been praying for hearts to soften, and for the Lord to help them feel what we already have.

The moral issues were dealt with years ago, so thankfully they have nothing to do with my worthiness now. The issues we're dealing with now are simply church attendance and tithing. In her mind...this means we should be able to be married within 6 months, so it shouldn't be an issue as that's a "reasonable engagement time." I'm worried because once moral issues have been a factor (and especially with him having the experiences while married) it would only take 1 moment of weakness for things to get messed up. I discussed this with her already, and it came back to "Just don't put yourself in that situation." Moments of weakness are called that for a reason. In that moment, you will LOOK for the situation. I wish I could say that we are both strong enough to "be good" for that long...but I can't guarantee that. I don't even know if that is the reason we're being told to get married now. It has more to do with getting started on our life together. Either way, I hadn't told my mom anything definite yet. I basically made a comment about the way his bishop went off about his family, and mentioned that if that's what he's going to have to deal with...maybe we'll just get married civilly first. I said it half jokingly even, and it turned into this big emotional issue. It was bad enough that when he and I went to St. George this weekend for him to meet my brother's family, my mom called my brother and told him that he was responsible to make sure that we didn't run off to Vegas to get married *laugh*. She knows that a temple sealing is the plan. She just thinks that temple wedding first is THE ONLY way, and she cares too much about appearances. I mean...what will her brothers and sisters and all of the neighbors think?!? Letting my mom in on anything that happened years ago would be a bad bad bad move.

Ok, I know that by the title, there's an obvious answer that everyone is going to spew out. Before you do...I need to clarify something. I'm not asking which one I should do. I need help in dealing with the decision. My fiance and I have prayed about it, and know that we should not get married in the temple right away. I know that's difficult for a LOT of people to understand, because many people cannot fathom that God would tell us NOT to do what we're supposed to. To make a long story short, he and I have both been through the temple before yet we both have a few things to work through before we can go back. I'm not talking issues with morality or anything that will take a year to work through...but we both need to get back to regular attendance and paying tithing in order to get to where we can go through. He went to talk with his bishop about it all and had a HORRIBLE experience. Rather than getting help and advice, he was told how dysfunctional his family is and that he needs to get them to come to church. He finally got to his questions, and the bishop told him to work on everything and come back at the end of the year and "we'll see" then. Now..."We'll see" isn't very definitive. This means that we don't really know what would happen then, and we can't really set a date until after they talk then. Time can be a worry. He's 33 and has been married twice, and I'm 30 and have never been married but have had issues with morality in the past. We both know that we need to just get married and start our lives together. We know that together we have a better chance of working through what we need, as we both have the same goals. We know what we want and nothing will get in our way. We are planning on getting sealed on our 1st anniversary, and I don't even remotely worry about that not happening. The problem with this, is that I grew up in an *extremely* strict LDS household. I brought up even the possibility of a non-temple wedding with my mom, and the discussion ended with us both in tears and with my fiance coming to get me so that I could get out of the house. How do I face this? About half of my family will accept that this is the answer that I received when I prayed about it, and the other half will tell me that it's not possible for God to tell us to go against what we should do. I tried explaining to my mom just the moral struggles alone, and how I would rather have it be my choice than to try to wait, have a wedding end up being 6 months down the road then something happening to make it so that we can't get married in the temple anyway. Her answer to that? "Just don't allow yourself to be put in that position." How do I get her to see that it IS possible to receive an answer like this, and that it isn't always about "Just don't allow yourself to be put in that position"? Never in my life did I think that I would have to face a situation like this. She kept trying to to tell me about how she and my dad were engaged for 10 months, and they did it. She doesn't see the difference between the 2 situations (she did the typical LDS "married at 20" after deciding that she would marry the next worthy person to propose to her, I'm 30 and dated my fiance 4 years ago until we stopped for a while because he wasn't ready for a relationship. We've been friends since, and are beyond completely in love). She also brought up the fact that I have 22 nieces and nephews who all look up to me, and what kind of example would I be setting. *sigh* Like I wasn't worried enough about that on my own. Sorry for the rambling. I discussed the possibility with her earlier this week...and it was today that he and I discussed it after we had individually prayed about it and knew what we should do. I can't stand the thought of disappointing my family, but at the same time, I've never felt happier and a decision has never felt so right. Some of my brothers and sisters are SO supportive, and others are having a difficult enough time letting me go...I can't imagine how much worse it will be when I "break the news".