Sequoia

Someday I'm hoping to take a class from him. I heard great things about them. Maybe I'll catch him at Education Week or something in the meantime! Jolee - I have seen the shirts there in the bookstore. Since the building is new, I don't know if they have a system where you could order over the phone. Usually students run the store, so you might need to leave your number to have a manager call you back. Sometimes they give away shirts at orientation, too, so make sure she attends! I'm excited for your daughter!

Thanks for your support and ideas. I saw her again today. I only see her maybe once a month or so, since she moved. But I was thinking that instead of just walking by her and avoiding her, (remember she darts away if she sees me), I should at least recognize her by saying hi and being friendly. I did run into her husband a few times. The first time after not seeing them for a while, I was so happy to see him. He talked to me and the conversation was genuine. But the next two times, he avoided me like her, then scampered out of the stores. So, she must have said something. It's an odd situation for me. I'm not sure if I should just let things continue as they are, or if I should at least go up and say hi. Thanks again for your help.

So I had a friend for about 7 years. Then she started a website that turned into a blog. We are no longer friends for many reasons, however, I feel really bad for her. 1) One day when we had arranged for me to go visit her, she informed me that she decided she preferred internet friends to face-to-face friends, since she could look so much better. She told me she sounds smarter and can stop and think before she says anything offensive...she does have a problem with offending people verbally. 2) After this meeting/visit with her, everything started to slide. She put everything before all of her real friends for her internet life. I actually read on her site and the site of her hometown where she referred to me (not using my name) in a negative way. Her story wasn't true, but fit the blog and site postings, so she just made something up to get pity and belong. 3) She has offended many people in her ward to where she decided the town had a problem and recently moved. 4) The last time I spoke to her, she talked about how embarrassing it is if people in her ward knew of her "real" life. She openly admits that she personifies her life and that of her husband's and kids' as something near perfection. In actuality, her oldest has little or nothing to do with her. She is considered "shallow." 5) Part of her problem offending people is that she believes in order to judge right from wrong, we need to judge people. This was a new concept for her when I last spoke to her a few years ago. She is so selfish and conceited now. She portrays herself even online as above everyone and their menial problems. She brags about money (who knows if she really has it?)The last time I saw her she ran from me, since she wasn't put together properly. I see her around and never approach her now. I don't know what to say, except I haven't spoken to her in a few years, and I think she has really lost it. I know she isn't truly happy, although she'd never admit it. She has lost all of her friends, including her oldest and her fellow ward members. In the new town she moved to I think it is just a matter of time before she offends everyone again or before they see that she is faking her life. Anyway, I thought I'd share this, because somehow I feel like I let her down in that I couldn't pull her from understanding that judging is wrong, and lying is wrong. And real friends are worth a lifetime of happiness.

I can't help but wonder if his mental disability might have been passed down to her. I know this is a stretch, and ignore it if I'm totally off, but sometimes issues of cleanliness go with mental disabilities. I think you know that all four of my kids are on the Autism spectrum. It isn't that they don't bathe, but it isn't the same priority for them as most people. It was something I had to remind them of (as though they were toddlers) into their teens. If they get behind in schoolwork or something, they still will omit bathing if I don't watch them. I also know that it is fairly common for some regular kids to behave this way around 12 yo, before they care for the opposite sex. So, I took it that my kids were just slow in this area. Progress has been made here, but I'm just wondering if it's possible that your father and daughter may have Asperger's or some other mental illness that makes them so unresponsive and difficult. It can be very difficult to see others' perspectives if they do. I could be off, but I do see a similarity somewhat. What I did with the clothes shopping, when my kids refused to go shopping, was just buy clothes/shoes without them and place it in their room. I don't know if that will help, but without saying a word, they'd wear them. If I bought a complete outfit (dress, stockings, shoes, headband, earrings) they'd wear it all together and look nice....well, the girls did. :)

Something like this happened to me in high school. Senior year. I was upset and a friend told me not to overact. She said, I should go talk to the guy who spread the rumor and let him know how it was hurtful. She told me to say things, so he'd know never to do to it again. I did. He said absolutely nothing back to me, but listened. Then she reminded me not to do anything else, but be normal and act like nothing was going on around the school. She said, my character would stand on it's own, consider the source, and also that I'd know who my real friends are. Also, that this stuff happens all the time at the school and remember what it feels like when it isn't my turn. THAT WAS A BIG LESSON FOR ME! I never really did anything about this stuff before...just listened to it throughout the days. I remember just going through school and "acting" like nothing was going on, when I knew it was. It was hard, but sure enough...several weeks (an eternity in high school) went by, and then it was someone elses turn, and I remember being especially nice to that person when it started....and the next person....and the next person. And I remembering saying back to the rumor-spreaders...."Riiiight.... Like I believe that...consider the source."

You're not alone on this. We have lived in many wards where there was only one member in the family, often a new convert, with people that are anti-LDS or least not supportive of their life. Sometimes they are feeling judged by the new member.So first, I'm wondering if you HAVE to live at home. Maybe someone at church your age is wanting to leave home too and you can room with them. Or maybe someone at church would be willing to rent out a room for some extra money. If there are no options about leaving, there are so many things you can do to foster the spirit in your home. First, clean your bedroom from top to bottom. Wash the windows and let the light in. Get rid of any clutter. Hang up some LDS pictures, photos of you at the temple or church building or activities, or things that represent your goals in life. Move the furniture around. Also, buy a plant or some flowers. Make your home a place to retreat to when needed. Invite your mom to come in as she feels a need. Buy some church music or some sweet instrumental music to play. Have uplifting magazines, poems, and books to read nearby. When contention starts, retreat to your room and defer the ugliness that you don't want invading your spirit. Another way to invite the spirit into your life is to serve others. Really do this. I have a husband who is so good at serving others. Always sees a need that I overlook with people. It's not just our ward or neighbors or family, but often it's someone at a store waiting in line or an acquaintance at work. I am not like this. I actively have to seek out opportunities to serve. I have to plan them. I have kids who naturally think of themselves, since they have trouble connecting with people (They are high functioning autistic- goes with the territory). So one method to help them get outside of themselves is to have them serve with me. It's hard, and I struggle to find opportunities, but they are there. Often when I do this, they are unwilling to help, but afterwards the spirit has touched them, and they are grateful they could help. Me too, by the way. Feeds my very soul. Maybe this could be something your mother and you can do together.

Oh...thought of a few more categories Second jobs - ideas Work you can do from home or on the go Work you can do when you have handicapped/needy children (meaning crisis can occur/may need to drop work and go)

We could have a forum on finances, which would include ways to make money, unique job ideas, job opportunities (there are jobs you can do at a distance), stories about how people are getting out of debt, tax tips, financial advice from c.p.a. and certified financial planners preferably, ideas for paying for college, ideas for flex time jobs, ideas for kids jobs, keeping up hope when you are in a financial crisis, cutting corners, tithing testimonies/stories, etc... I can go on. These are all financial issues I'm trying to figure out this week! Unless I missed it, I don't see anywhere on the forum that is directed to helping us through the economic crisis many of us are experiencing.

Elgama, yes I can combine the two, and I actually have assisted with a private business of helping these kids over the years. Many parents meet my kids and see a similarity with things they are struggling with and have asked for help. Word of mouth spreads. My kids are still dependent on me quite a bit in some areas so even though I have to work I have to be available. This is part of the reason we were hoping for a transfer and move, so I wouldn't have to work so much. It seemed like a perfect season in life for me to go back to school. The worse thing would have been to miss a class. I am going to need to go back to work, but I have to find something flexible (hopefully) and that makes money, of course. :) RachelleDrew, I think this is exactly what happened. I think he didn't realize all I did and chose to help with the kids more and rationalize not putting the money where it was to go. I think then he realized he dug a hole (no money left) and didn't want to fess up. He never had a money issue before and was always supportive of my tracking it, asking me amounts to be spent on purchases he needed to make beforehand, sending me email receipts of expenses. He understood about my plans when times were tough and we seemed like a team, with me the lead. So I was really taken back that he didn't clue me in at all as to what he was/wasn't doing. . Lilered, I'm glad you're playing devil's advocate. My emotions are a little too close to the situation for common sense/practical questions like this. In my strong, hurtful viewpoint, I want him to experience everything I'll be going through to dig us out, but practically speaking, that won't happen most likely. He will take a bigger part at least initially. I do want him to understand what he did, but he works crazy hours to give us the money to pull out of this, so I really don't know if it is realistic of me to want him to see every penny that is accounted for going to the debt that was created. It was very unavoidable, so I'm hurt and angry, but punishing him like I want to by rubbing his nose in it might not be what's right. I have always used Quicken to account for every penny we have had. I think if I get him to help update the Quicken in various ways (maybe he can be in charge of downloading our checking account expenses and adjust the debt amortizers regularly) he can realistically be a part of this in a more positive way. Applepansy, I think I must have been clear somewhere, but we always, always were in agreement until I went to school and worked. He is not a spender at all. He is not a guy who has to have cool things but appreciates a simple life. I've never had problems in the past, and we had good financial discussions. I am a planner/detail person, so I naturally seemed to take this role when we first were married, especially with him going to school and working, while I was home. I never thought we'd be in this mess though, and I am in shock over it. When I think of my schooling be non-existent, I'm hurt. I feel like he was being selfish beyond anything. But through the board, and through church services and prayer and scripture and reading the past few days, I'm beginning to realize that he was overwhelmed and my future schooling was not something he probably thought would be affected. I also KNOW that he didn't realize the importance of tracking money. I mentioned Quicken, but there are many different ways of tracking money, and we talked about it. One we talked about was Home Budget Software for Household, Family & Personal Money Management through our bank. I was surprised when I found out he was using NOTHING to track them. So, I do want to give an update. I am doing better, thanks to EVERYONE who has responded. I don't know why, but I really felt like I wasn't justified to feel so angry and upset. I first needed to hear that I was right to feel that way. I also needed to know it was okay to feel disappointed, depressed, and overwhelmed. Of course, I still am angry, upset, disappointed, depressed, and overwhelmed, but my heart is softening (thanks for helping me with this), and I am personally working on softening it more, so I can think clearly and move forward. Anger is the first thing I'm overcoming. It's coming only in waves now. And my depression is also. I can see his perspective more clearly. And I can't be too angry if he is taking total blame on this. I really feel like whatever I say on this he'll do, but I have to be careful to make him understand all of this and not push it too far (which my emotions are really wanting to do - payback). I am moving forward a little too. I talked to my oldest who is in college. I am having her take out a student loan and work. Not a killer for a college student, but I never thought she'd have to take a loan out. My working prevented her from getting a scholarship, since she didn't know how to apply and has difficulty with directions and forms. She didn't think twice about it, and said she'd get to it tomorrow. I am also reading two new books I bought to help me. One is called, "Odds are You're Going to be Exalted." It talks about grace and works. I need to have grace through all of this. And the other is called "Stumbling on Happiness" and is a very upbeat book written by a Harvard professor/psychologist. This book is even funny. He looks at what people think make them happy vs. what truly does. He talks about planning for future happiness and reminded me that my happiness is really up to me. Like that Lincoln quote, "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Thanks again for all of the help. What a HUGE difference in healing time it has been for me. I am thinking that once I make a plan, I will post it and let you see the progress and how I come up with means of making an extra $60K while 3 kids will all be in college soon. Maybe I can inspire others to get out of debt through what I learn, while I can get suggestions at the same time.

When I was in a highly new immigrant ward of several cultures, we (RS presidency) had to let the sisters know of lots of American LDS cultural ways. One was about the nursing lounge. We encouraged them to use it right up to the minute of Sacrament, so the babies would be full. Then for Sunday School and Relief Society time, they could nurse in the back if they wanted. I share this since there is so much more diversity than many know within the church. These same sisters would at first allow their children (even bigger kids) to walk around the chapel (even across the organ pedals once!) Why? Can you imagine? Well, they had never attended Sacrament meetings in a chapel, always met in someone's home, so it was very different and much more serious than what they were used to. We had to help train the kids (sit by the door, when they can't sit any longer stretch legs in foyer and listen, come back in - compliment the kids for progress). Some also wore pants, for the same casualness that comes from meeting in a home or building. Anyway, sometimes it is a cultural thing, but just like wearing a dress in the Sacrament room, I don't think that taking it to the nursing lounge, pumping a bottle beforehand, or nursing them up to the minute it begins are unreasonable expectations. Babies do sometimes pull the blanket down, or suck so people can hear nearby. I'm not sure of the background of this mother, but if anything, tell her you'll watch her stuff so she doesn't need to move it while she nurses and that you'll carry it into Sunday School if she takes awhile. If she has younger kids offer to watch them or have some young women watch them when she leaves. But remember, she might just not know that usually in the US we don't nurse during Sacrament.

Hi! I just wanted to tell you that Ancestry.com is very different than the other sites because there are true first hand resources scanned and available. It is much, much more than the free sites. They have wills and probate records, census records (originals), scanned in old newspapers (so fun to read, even the ads!), and many more resources. Primary resources of course are preferable to the free sites, where someone gathered some information with possible documentation that is accurate. Also, they have people available to help you when you are stuck. Also, they even have online classes. About the FH libraries being far away, well, you can order what you need online and they will mail it to the center. I used to have to travel about an hour away, so I'd spend my time ordering what was needed, then go one morning and see if any of my orders had anything of worth. Another thing is local libraries. Some of the small towns have incredible libraries with genealogy sections of old books. I never knew this until I moved to a small town in Texas. Their entire basement was filled with genealogy books from around the country. They also had all of the basic needs and lots of help to teach me. There were local classes on it too. And there were hardly any LDS members in the entire area! Even if you don't sign up for Ancestry.com (which I DO recommend - premium package) or see what you can order and go monthly to your FHE library....even if you don't see if there are some other local resources of help for you.... There IS something else you can do, and that is write up the history of what you do have. I've done this, and it has helped me see things I never realized and sent me in new directions. Family history is different than genealogy. It's the actual history or profile of each individual. What I do is take what notes I have and put them in chronological order. Then I take the documents and photos I have and scan them in the computer. Then I make a timeline and place the photos, documents, and notes on the timeline. Then I write up a story of their life. I love doing this because I travel the world with GoogleEarth and Flickr world and piece photos together of their life. I also Google Image events in their life (ie, Hemp Bale battle of the Civil War), and find paintings and documents and copy/paste these into their biography. I always find out new things and then move forward on that. Hope this helps. If anything, sign up for Ancestry. I think they have a free trial for 30 days.

Hey Anna, I just want to reiterate what Elgama has said about autism spectrum disorder kids. It could be what is going on here. My kids all are high functioning autistic kids. It's a rough road. You need to learn that if the pediatrician is saying the same thing to you, and no progress is being made, go to a specialist. In this case, a pediatric gastroenterologist. I already can tell there is a problem here, in that constipated kids are not supposed to receive fiber until after they have been cleaned out. Then you give them fiber. Sometimes a cleanout is actually performed at a hospital overnight for these kids. There is a lot to know, but do know that intestinal problems are correlated with brain problems such as autism and ADHD. The lining is the same. There is a lot of research at the Univ of Utah going on about it. Also, make sure he is growing properly, at the right rate. Make the doctor plot it over the past year or so and compare it to normal growth. The good news is he is not in school yet. Being in the bathroom for hours is embarrassing in front of friends. You need to get him regulated completely before kindergarten. I recommend the in hospital cleanout as the quickest way to get him on track, but you have to find a good pediatric gastro. first. He'll also know what to feed him and what order to introduce the foods while phasing out the others.

Hi Jolee! I know this is late from where you posted, but I have been reading some threads and came across this one. My daughter went to BYU-SLC for a semester. At the time, they were building LDSBC, so they were sharing the same building (Fall 2008). Anyway, you are right in that the girls live in the upper 2 floors of the Plaza Hotel. The boys live somewhere else.What I can tell you about the school is that is isn't tremendously hard to get into compared to any of the BYU campuses, and the learning for the most part is not as demanding. BUT that doesn't mean that the programs are weak. The degrees aren't BA/BS degrees, so the general education requirements are not a part of it. My daughter had made many friends who went there. She loved, loved going to school in SLC. She currently is at BYU-Provo. Anyway, they are known to have an outstanding interior design program. A couple of her friends were planning to stage homes to sell faster with poor economy and all. She had some other friends in the medical degree programs and one of her friends earned an Associates and transferred to BYU Provo with her at semester. (My daughter was waiting on transcripts for out of state to get to Provo and they "got lost" in the mail, said her high school ...but she got in the next semester, with her friend). What she loved about going to school in SLC was that she could regularly go to the temple. She loved, loved that. She also loved that she could go to the visitors' center and to the LDS museum. She did genealogy in the Family History library several times a week. She really helped me along! She gained a stronger testimony than ever in actually being able to do these things of her own free will. She also loved the sister missionaries in the writing center that would help edit her papers (This is the BYU part though). And the religion classes were great. Oh, and she also liked that she could easily find a job at Westgate (I think it's called that) Mall. She'd work enough to get some mad money and a discount on whatever clothing she wanted. She really loved that experience and still goes to SLC at least once a month on a bus/TRAX method she has down. The only down side was the homeless, who would try to talk to her. I'm hoping that situation will be fixed. She did live at home, so wasn't there at night. She loved it. I want to add to that they have many, many social events and rooms for the kids to watch tv and hangout. There are also many clubs, and I believe they do require a certain amount of service to be done. The building is very gorgeous, especially at Christmas. Everyone is so nice and helpful, really! Anyway, I hope your daughter takes advantage of everything offered. Have her go to the orientation meetings. It'll help explain how to do everything there and what to look forward to.

Just a quick response here, but there are several things studies have shown that increase endorphins, which elevates our moods to be happy. (This isn't meant to replace therapy or anything, but just a checklist to refer to when feeling down). I don't have the research handy, but I'll look any of the research up if you want to see it firsthand. 1) Exercise - natural endorphin releaser 2) Taking a shower and grooming - increases endorphins. 3) Having regular social activities with positive people - natural endorphin releaser 4) Sunshine 5) Sex 6) Not research based, but Pres Uchtdorff told us to find someone with a worse situation and serve them. By helping them fix their problem, he said we'll find our problem will disappear or be easier to manage. . These are findings I have read/heard about most recently. I'm sure there are more. I've been in a frumpy mood the past couple weeks and have been forcing myself, to take showers, do my hair and makeup, and then go outside for some time. I also actively forced myself to go serve some families in my ward. It's hard work. I haven't felt like doing much of anything, since I've been feeling so lost and overwhelmed. But if I can just act on the most basic level to things that do work, I figure I'm going to be okay in the long run, which it looks my current crisis is going to be.....long!

I'm not sure if this will help, but I thought I'd try some. I remember when my husband was gone all day and into the night working while I was stuck home with little ones and pregnant. It was very hard. Little kids are demanding. They have to be, since their lives truly depend on you. Is there some way you could put your daughter in a Mother's Day Out program and give yourself some time? These programs aren't everywhere, but they are designed so that moms can go to the doctor or china shop or somewhere without kids for an hour or even a day. But usually they aren't too much. If they don't have those in your area, then see if there is another gal at church with a child that is four and switch off. I did this at one point for my own sanity. She'd take my two kids on Wednesday for an hour or so then we'd swap and I'd get hers on Friday, every other week. We really didn't allow things to mess with this schedule. You have to prioritize your me time. Four is a great age because they want to be kept busy and love, love activities and friends. Remember too that parks are free and a great place to sit and talk with other moms while the kids play. One of my kids enjoyed the cemetery with the flowers and the names on the stones. We went there quite a bit. In the winter, you could meet at McDonald's with a playground and just order something small, since money is tight. Having them in a routine that includes outside/running time, is always helpful. As far as your husband goes, I have to say, I'd rather be the mom at home with the kids any day over the stress and pressure of work and financial duties. He's going to forget some of the small stuff. He might not even think it matters much to you since you haven't told him. I wanted flowers, so I started buying them at Costco. My husband commented on how much he liked them on the table, and I said, "Yes, I really miss the times when you found the time to bring them home." He caught on. He did start bringing me some again, even with his crazy work schedule. Also, now we go to Costco together sometimes, and he always stops and says, "Go pick out the ones you like." It's not quite the same as a surprise bunch, but it still means something to me. Holding doors could be the same. Just ask him to hold the door for you, and he most likely will. Then thank him and tell him how you really enjoy those small things he does that shows he cares. I bet he'd catch on. Sometimes what seems obvious to us, isn't to guys. We have to let them in on what we want...also, in the bedroom. I am ill tonight, so I'm hoping this doesn't sound too harsh. I just remember that time so well. It is so difficult. My kids had some behavior issues too, so let me know if your kids have something specific they act out about, and maybe I can share something you might try.

I just glossed over the many responses. I hope I'm not repeating anyone. 2 ways to bake a potato are in the oven or in the microwave. Either way, be sure you wash it well! OVEN - cover outside with Crisco for nice texture, fork it, wrap in aluminum, bake at 400 degrees for half hour or so MICROWAVE - fork well all over, keep it kinda wet, wrap in Saran Wrap, cook for 5 minutes, let sit for 2-3 (Still cooks when microwave is off) Here is my favorite cooking website: Food Network - Easy Recipes, Healthy Eating Ideas and Chef Recipe Videos : Food Network It's the best. Full videos are in the upper right hand corner, but frequently they post shorts too. It's great because it tells you the length of each recipe, whose it is, and everyone rates them. Now for getting the cooking down, you really only need about 2 weeks worth of meals. Sunday dinners require something a little special. Pick a couple of special recipes for Sundays, then pick simple meals for the rest of the 2 weeks. Simple - Hamburgers, chicken legs, PastaRoni (in a box) with chicken strips and peas, spaghetti/cook some sausage and veggies up add sauce, fajitas/burritos (just need browned meat and onions/peppers as far as cooking goes), taco salad (check out foodnetwork.com), Asian noodles (add veggies and soy sauce), stew (brown some meat, add veggies, stick in crockpot or big pot on low for the day)...etc Also, when you go to the store, look in others people's carts and see what they are buying. I was just asked a couple days ago about the ingredients I was buying. Shared a recipe. It's kinda fun!

So anonymous, I also have a financial crisis that was sprung on me to the tune of $60,000! I too posted under "harboring anger." I am struggling to deal with trust. I struggling to find the ground I thought was shared between us. He owned up to his problem of not financially doing what I asked while in school and working. I didn't find out though until I quit, moved our family, and then looked over everything. There is a difference though. He admitted that it was his fault. He doesn't want to be involved in finances, because he doesn't understand it. (Yeah, I kind of figured that out!!!) Your wife has a serious problem and won't admit it. That is worse. The fact she hides the stuff and leaves it in boxes shows there is a serious problem. She does need counseling, and if you ever have children, it'll get worse. It's hard for even us penny pinchers to refrain from buying them things. So, one way to get her to counseling, is for you to go. Tell her that you are always making her mad about the money situation. Tell her that you get mad over it too, and you want her to be happy, so you will go. After you go for a session or two, tell her that the psychologist/psychiatrist is asking for her side of it. She might go in. Other than that, I think the only hope is to cut up the cards and not let her have any access to the accounts. Talk to the financial counselor and see what rights you have to keep her from accessing the money. Let her throw her fit. She may have found out that she gets paid for them, if the fits are just big enough. Personally, I'd just get in my car and leave at that point - for a few hours. Not my normal strategy, but sheez! she's an adult! Stay strong in your beliefs and convictions. You will need it!

Wow, Angela. You do have a lot you're dealing with. I hate to say it, but his sudden change of heart is a little convenient; however, there are children involved, so maybe a possible second chance is worth thinking about. I really am praying you have family to help you and your kids through this. First item though, he needs to be living outside of your house. Are you working? Does his being back in your life provide you a break financially and with the stresses of being a single mom? I think if he energetically starts making those kinds of changes, there may be some possible truth to what he says. Does he go to the children when they need something without you asking? Is he helping clean up with dishes/laundry/vacuuming/washing the car? Actions speak louder than words, especially over time.Will he go to counseling at least for the pornography problem? Will he even admit that problem yet? I would definitely keep my emotions on guard and try not to get too involved yet. I would have him on "emotional probation" for quite some time. I fear he may let you down again, and the depression will hit even worse. I would not have him living there until some of these changes were made and then some time passed, like 9 months to a year. As far as talking to the bishop, that would definitely be a requirement for any return back into my life and that of the children. It is common for someone who feels uncomfortable to have a friend drive them there, say a prayer before leaving the car, then waiting outside of the bishop's office in a chair. I would also require a hard dose of counseling. If he balks at helping you financially and with the kids/house, if he balks at talking to the bishop and going to meetings, if he balks at counseling, if it were me....I'd show him the door to my life. I never would have reopened it though, except that there are children involved. Give him a list of what you need from him and tell him he's out of your life until he's met those changes. Tell him you'll be there to accompany him to the bishop, and that he can sit with you during church meetings. Tell him you'll go to marriage counseling after the pornography counseling is finished. But unless these needs are met for at least a year, for your sanity and the sake of your children, he's not allowed to selfishly use you or your home. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I just hate to see someone play with your emotions and life, and your children's. There are some great guys out there. Our families are forever, but you may just not have found the right guy yet.

Yes, he acknowledged it. He didn't understand that the money would disappear if it wasn't applied to what it was intended for. He also didn't understand the importance of paying bills and general expenses and keeping track of them. He doesn't seem to understand long term consequences. As far as my education, I think he is believing that I'll magically make the debt disappear, then I can go. I am not sure how to do it. His confidence in me astounds me. I am thinking that shows how little he understood the long term consequences of messing up. I am thinking a good 10 years. I'll be 54/5. In short, he's admitted it, but I don't know if he truly understands what he's done.

ISLANDER: Thanks for restating the thoughts I alluded to. I may need counseling since there are so many sides to this. Mainly, there is a trust issue. He never really lied to me other than telling me I could go back to school and leading me on that the money issue was being tracked and resolved. These are lies that are selfish in that they affect my life long-term and that of our family. It's shaken me, since he isn't usually a liar or even someone who stretches the truth. My trust is shaken, in that I can't tell if he'd do something like this again. Can I trust him so blindly again? I don't think so. I can't understand why it occurred at all, or why I wasn't clued in by him. Why it occurred? I tell myself that he must have been overwhelmed with the finances and kids, since I was working and going to school. I tell myself that he obviously isn't as knowledgeable about finances as me. I tell myself he didn't want to let me or the kids down if some unknown thing may have occurred, I guess. The bottom line though is that it was irresponsible and sneaky, and he lied to me. KIRAJO: I went to Meridian Magazine's site online and read several excerpts from that book. I need to soften my heart. He has owned up to his mistake, immediately even. I know he was grateful I'd be in charge of finances again. But somehow, his owning up isn't enough for me. I'm not sure what I expect or want from him at this point. I am still ticked off. It's going to cost all of us dearly, and I have no strategy yet. Times are so difficult everywhere. Still I will work harder on the forgiveness part. ELGAMA: Thanks for your very understanding and helpful post. It helps to know of someone else going through a similar situation. Your post reminded me that I do have my health, which I am grateful for. I do have some tools, although I am pretty apathetic about finding a drive to use any knowledge toward anything right now. I think in time, my mind will clear, and help me find that path. It's just overwhelming right now - adjustments for long-term debt, college for the kids, long-term plans for me, immediate medical concerns with kids, keeping a happy face on throughout.I haven't received a blessing. Good point. I think I'm just still in shock and overwhelmed. Babysteps will work, started out by a blessing. I have to make some realistic and serious financial and academic/career plans. Step by step. I so agree. That's why I appreciate everyone's validation of my feelings. I needed to hear that I wasn't crazy being so hurt. He has always been a wonderful person and a great partner, so seeing this was a shock to me and has really set me to try to find a new reality. Things aren't as I thought, so now what? Talking here helps tremendously. APPLEPANSY: I agree so much with you here. That is part of my problem. He acted like he was caught, so he's sorry, and now it's my job to deal with it - "sweeping it under the rug!" I've told him already that he has got to learn about finances, and I'm going to force him to do it with me. Seeing mountains of medical bills is scary, but running from them isn't the answer. Small payments. Also, I use Quicken, so he's going to have to use it. And I have a financial advisor....had...now I'm not sure what they'll say. I'll need to find one since we are in a new area. Can't imagine what that'll be like, but he'll go with me and hear our plan. I'm hoping at least, he'll join me on getting out of this mess.As far as the in-laws, I had a very interesting situation over Christmas. They came and visited us from out of state. I found out while they were here...and said nothing in front of them! But later my husband said something about cutting back our finances drastically and they questioned him. I walked in and he made it sound like he and I were in a financial situation together. What they didn't know though was that I hadn't been doing them for years. I could tell from their looking at me that I was being considered as the main cause. I said nothing, but walked away. I could tell they were thinking that now that I'm not working, I've spent all of their son's salary frivolously. I wanted to say something, but what? I'm grieving as you mentioned. I'm hoping through these posts, and hopefully some more, I'll find the gumption to get up and clean this mess. Strangely, he knows I'm depressed and struggling, and he is allowing me mourning time. He knows what he did.

I'm new here! Before I found this forum, I was looking at counseling, but I don't know if I need it. This is my background. I was to get a grad degree before my husband, soon after we married. He was offered an outstanding scholarship/stipend, so we were both going to grad school for a while. Then he asked me not to go due to the stress of having me in school and having a couple of little ones. He PROMISED me, I could go as soon as he graduated. He was hired before he finished his doctorate with a demanding job and continued upon graduating. I had a trust fund for grad school for me. Money was not an issue. But he would not support in any way, my going to school due to his job. He didn't want to be responsible for the kids on his time to wind down from work. I talked about a babysitter, but due to issues with our kids (they are high functioning autistic children), we both didn't feel comfortable. I looked to going Saturday mornings. I looked to go once a week. (Online learning wasn't available.) For 8 years, I bugged him. My college trust fund expired (use it or lose it policy). I tried tnot to worry, since we were doing okay (not fabulous, but ok) with funds. Then we moved. And I thought a fresh start might work. Well, his job became more demanding, and medical bills from kids came in...and came in. (They are ongoing with them. Autism related). So finally he said I could goto grad school, but it had to be a non-demanding degree. So I went and got a Master's in Education. He knew I had no intentions on settling with this major, since it wasn't the field I wanted. But it was a quick (2 years) and easy degree program compared to the others I wanted. I talked to him about taking out a student loan, even though we had cash for tuition, to apply to the many, many medical bills we had (about $30,000). We both decided that would be great, since the interest was so low and it would save our credit score. I worked a serious education job (12 hrs/day - 6 days/week). Never had my heart into it, since I wasn't really into the idea or field of education. It was demanding, and I was able to work while I was in school. My hours toward family were little, and he had taken over our bills for me. I always kept track of our finances before. So if I asked him if we had money for something, the answer was always "Yep." At one point I saw that some medical bills weren't paid off and questioned him. I told him to put all of the loan money to the bills. Years later, we moved. Our oldest went to college. I was getting excited, since I could finally go and get my own degree. It has been tough raising kids on the Autism Spectrum, so I finally felt that I could start thinking of myself. I started looking over the finances, and Then I found out. The $30,000 student loan was never applied to the $30,000 medical bills! It had been frittered away while I had been working and put him in charge. With our medical bills and now this gigantic student loan, we were/are $60,000 in debt. There is even more to it, in that he didn't put any money in our kids college funds, so now we are very short there too. When I asked him about it, he said that he was always afraid that we would need that money. He wanted to keep it available. I told him that it had to go for what we said, or it'd be wasted, which it was. He actually understands now, and feels better that I'm in charge again of the finances. I'm looking at the mess wondering how long it will take us to get out of this debt. $60,000 while kids are leaving to college with little to no funds for them. And I'm angry that I never was able to use my education trust fund, due to him. And now I have a huge student loan I think will take 5-10 years for me to pay off. I'm depressed too. I feel like I'm trapped with kids leaving and no options for my dreams. I never wanted to go in the education field. I had a lot of teaching helping my own kids, and I don't care for the administration. I feel like I gave up everything for our 21 years of marriage for him and the kids, and he took every option I had to look forward to. I have been internet surfing my time away for a couple weeks. I don't want to even leave the bed or shower. Yes, I'm depressed! When I'm not depressed, I'm angry at him. All the time, I feel trapped and helplessly in debt. Other than this, he has been a perfect husband. No one at church/family/neighbors would ever believe all this occurred, and knowing he is so happy and helpful to our family and community, they'd think I was being selfish. I KNOW he has a demanding job. I KNOW he is a great guy. But just when I thought it was my turn, I found out I might never have one. Please help me, so I can get rid of the anger and depression. I recognize it, but I can't justify more bills from counseling at this point. I also think I just need a good friend (or forum) I can throw this out to, and hear what I need to, to move forward again. Thanks in advance