Cadley

qtpie, my heart bleeds for you. my husband's son was born last night, and he stayed at the hospital with OW the whole time (30+hours). I was furious. I still think he shouldn't have gone. It took everything in me to calm down and be accepting and loving when he came home. I know he should care about this other child, but it is very painful for me to have a part of my husband still connected to OW. The child was premature, and H was pretty worried. Anyway, OC is stable, in NICU, but seems to be doing well for a premie. I am so amazed by your compassion for your husband. My husband is genuinely trying to make things right, and I'm still seething with anger. I am regularly depressed, and have struggled in my own faith because my heart is so hard right now. I am also angry that he is so dedicated to this child, when he neglected me and my kids for so long, even though he isn't doing that to us anymore. I agree that her pregancy is not a legitimate reason for him to break all the promises he made to you. She knew he was married. She knew what she was getting into, and maybe in the end this will be better for his son, but you are a person, too, and you count just as much as that child. Have you joined the support group on this site for infidelity? That has been a tremendous help for me. You are a wonderful person. I know you're going to get through this. Thank you so much for this post. It was a great comfort to me during this very difficult time.

Sorry to hear of the upcoming divorce, but clearly you've thought this through and done all you can do. I guess if it's any consolation, you can be happy in the thought that now the OW gets the lying, cheating SOB. I guess she figures he'll be faithful to her. FAT CHANCE. Anyway, that was what I thought about in my more vindictive moments, when I thought my marriage was dead, and H and OW had killed it. I imagined him leaving me for her, then putting OW through the hell that he put me through. Your husband and his creep girlfriend deserve each other. You deserve way better. I guess that's not a very Christlike attitude. I hope you're also able to forgive and heal in the months or years to come. Take care of yourself. I'll be praying for you.

Dee-- I agree with Faded. Whether he wants to be involved with the church himself is his decision, but he has no right to hold you back. I would advise that you have a sit-down with him, and explain your feelings about the church, and your need to return there to feel at peace. Whatever you do, pray, pray, pray, and Heavenly Father will guide you. Contact your bishop to help you on the path to repentance. Don't be afraid. He will want to help you. He can also advise you about where to go with your relationship with Jason. By backing down and failing to live the gospel, you are not only hurting yourself, you are doing a huge disservice to your children. I have also been overstressed lately with work, kids, husband working nights. So busy, so tired. I know where you're at. H and I discussed that, and decided to call on family/friends to help with kids 2-3 hours every Saturday so I can get a break. It was really hard for me to agree with that, because I hate inconveniencing other people, but I know this is the right thing for us. So, that's one thing to consider, if you have that option. Kids are such a blessing, but they can really suck you dry. Take care of yourself. No matter how you're feeling about yourself, the Lord loves you, and He knows how much potential lies within you. You are God's child, and he loves you more than you can fathom. No matter what you've done, He wants you back.

Faded--I love your posts. They are so direct, and helpful. I took note of your priority lists. Prior to the affair, this is how I felt my priorities went: 1. kids 2. God 3. Housework 4. Career 5. Church This is how I Felt my husband's priorities were: 1. Self 2. Career 3. Friends 4. Video Games 5. Kids (husband would probably disagree). I think spouse would probably be 7 or 8 on my list, and I felt like I was about 3 millionth on his list. He probably felt the same way. He said he felt like I didn't want him around. I felt like he didn't want to be around. He didn't think I wanted to go places with him, I thought he didn't want me along. So obviously, some major communication problems. I've started being very direct with him, and he's been fairly receptive. For example, it occurred to me that he should be tested for STDs, and the baby should have a paternity test. I'm fairly sure he doesn't have anything, and I'm pretty sure the baby is his, but I don't know anything about the OW except that it didn't seem to bother her to screw around with a married man. I thought H would be mad that I even suggested those things, but he just said "okay," and wasn't even annoyed. Last night we sat together and planned a vacation together, and it almost felt like we were a real couple again. And I did my typical stress-out thing, because We've got a 12,000 HE loan (mostly my husband's credit card spending), and upcoming attorney fees of who knows how much, and child support, which I'm sure will include 1/2 childcare costs and medical, so 4-500/month, and we're already struggling. This is another way I've seen the blessings of the Lord in my life, however; it turns out that this summer I will have had my daycare long enough to apply for the next level of registration, which will allow me to have 1 additional child, and what do you know? Each child brings about $500 per month of income. Anyway, I digress. The point is, when I started to stress, my husband was gently reassuring, and responded with exactly what I needed. I still have little bouts of depression and anger, but in between those times, I can see hope. I know I'm very blessed that my husband wants to work through this.

foreverafter--thank you for the Elder Scott reference. I've printed the talk, and it has some great advice and comforting words. I couldn't find a copy of the Hinckley talk online. You had somewhere referenced the idea of repentance in the afterlife. What I have been taught at church, and what I understand from the scriptures is that if we knowingly reject Christ, or knowingly sin in this life, and are not on the path of repentance when we die, we will not have the opportunity to repent in the next life. Well, it's more complicated than that, but basically, you are the same person when you die, and if you didn't want to be a loving, faithful person in this life, you're not going to want it in the next life, either. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her, and basically walked out on her and their kids to live with his girlfriend. She tried everything to get him back. She was given the same advice I was given--go to the temple and ask the Lord what to do. She said she knew the minute she walked into the temple that she was supposed to divorce him. It was very difficult for her, but she has been blessed in amazing ways. I also have a friend who suffered terrible abuse at the hands of an unrighteous father. A divorce was really the only option for her safety, and the safety of her mother and other siblings. I'm sure there are women out there much stronger than I, who could tolerate the degradation of living with an unfaithful spouse for the duration of their lives. I could not. It's the hardest thing I've ever endured, even with a husband who wants to repent and reconcile. There's also the protection of the children to consider. No matter what you tell your children, they will emulate your behavior more than your words. To stay in an abusive relationship, or tolerate repeated affairs is to teach your children that abuse and adultery are acceptable. In my case, because OW is pregnant, there will (sadly) come a time when my children will learn of their father's unfaithfulness. I hope and pray that when they are at that point, my husband will be in good standing with the church, we will have fully reconciled, and that they will learn that there is healing and repentance even after the worst sins, but staying on the path of righteousness, and being faithful and loving toward your spouse is far better than repenting. I hope they learn faith, trust in the Lord, and true forgiveness, and I hope they learn it not from lessons at church or in Family Home Evening, but from the example my husband and I set to them.

Foreverafter--do you have some references for this? Some of the things you've said in this and other posts don't coincide with what I've been taught. I count myself lucky, if such a word can be used, to have a husband who confessed what he had done, and has shown genuine interest in mending the damage he has done. When I first found out about the affair, I wanted a divorce. The real pain wasn't that he'd been with someone else, but that he'd essentially rejected me. I stayed with him because that was what the Lord instructed me to do. The counseling we've received has helped us both to see how and why the other felt unloved and unwanted. We've had several good conversations. I think I previously rated my marriage at a 12 out of 100. We're not up to about a 15. So, still a long way to go, but I see progress. I went to the temple and did initiatory work last week. It had been a long time since I had participated in that ordinance, and I had forgotten how empowering the words are. The thought ran through my mind over and over that I had already been blessed with everything I needed to get me through this trial. I had been considering the matter of forgiveness for some time---what that means, and how to do it, and although I've heard this hundreds of times, it finally sunk in: forgiveness is for me, not for my husband and OW. I picked up a copy of "the miracle of forgiveness," and that has also been a great help to me.

Lilired--so aptly put. One of the things my husband complained about when we finally got talking was that I focus so hard on the house and the kids that he feels like I've lost myself. I took the day off work today and went to the temple. Took a wrong turn on the way there and missed my session, so did initiatory instead. I think the wrong turn was a blessing. The words in the initiatory ordinance were exactly what I needed to hear. Then I went to the Celestial room to pray and think. I thought about all the anguish I've been going through, and realized that I could relieve myself of a great deal of that by forgiving my husband and the OW. I knew it was the Christlike thing to do, but a huge part of me is holding back because I know neither of them deserve it. Today, the thought came into my head that the forgiveness is for me, not for them. I'd heard that before, of course, but today it really sunk in. If I want the hurt to go away, first I have to let go of it. I still can't see ever trusting my husband, or being close to him again, but apparently the Lord can see it, so I'm putting my trust in Him.

Thanks, Faded. I've printed out the exercizes, and shown them to my husband. You're right about the negativity. When our bishop counseled us a year ago, that was one of the things he said to work on. We've been getting marriage counseling from the stake president, but I told my husband this morning that I want to go to the professional counselor. I had a friend who saw the church counselor in our area, and she said she's wonderful, and helped her a lot individually. I think we need the individual counseling as much as we need the couple counseling.

Sundays are the hardest days. Husband sleeps most of the day (he works nights). I'm alone with the kids. Weekends are so busy, the house is a total disaster. Dishes piled everywhere, every toy in the house scattered all around, all the piles of junk in my room that I don't have time to get to. I have an in-home daycare, so all that stuff has to be cleaned up tonight. Every time I try to get something done, or get 10 minutes to myself, the kids are fighting, or begging for my attention, or getting into something. I don't think there's any such thing as a day of rest when you have kids. We got some bad news about OW's pregnancy. Some potentially serious complications. We're both very distressed about it, although for different reasons. It seems like every time I come to terms with my situation, I get hit with one more thing. Or ten more things. I had two total meltdowns today. I tried to talk to Husband about it when he got up, but he was zoned into the TV. I don't think he even heard me, and I couldn't bring it up a second time. I'm a ashamed of myself for falling apart like that---wailing, crying, banging my head against the wall---especially in front of the kids. I never thought I would act like that. While it was happening, I kept telling myself I had to calm down. I was scaring my 3 year old to death. But I couldn't cope. I think I should see someone about this, but I don't have the time or the money for professional help. I'm such a mess. Things have actually been going pretty well, considering, but there are those little things that I can't get past. Husband hardly ever helps with the housework (I work full time, too). Husband is still dealing with his own emotions and won't touch me (not talking about sex, I mean ANY kind of touching). Husband invited people over this evening, even though the house was a disaster, and I was a disaster, and he didn't even get up until 7:00 (fortunately, they didn't come). If we were using a scale where 0 was divorced, and 100 was marital bliss, we started at about a 3, and we're up to a 12. So yes, major progress, but still nowhere near a happy marriage. Thanks to everyone patient enough to read this through. This forum has been such a help and comfort to me.

Sorry, I should clarify. The impression I received from the Lord was that it was not yet time to decide whether to stay in this marriage, that there was more I needed to do before I could "stand blameless" so to speak (not with regards to the affair, of course, but I certainly had my part in the previous marital problems) and that I needed to give my husband the opportunity to repent and reconcile. I was not guaranteed that this marriage is going to make it. I will continue to pray and seek guidance in the temple on this matter. The Lord has many guarantees for us, that no matter how difficult things seem in the here and now, the Lord's eternal plan and guarantee is that if we keep His commandments, we will have eternal joy. He doesn't guarantee whether our loved ones will partake of that joy; that is their choice. I just meant that we need to follow the Lord's guidance, even if we can't see what's ahead.

qtpie you've posted on my thread a few times, so I thought I'd come visit you on yours. When I first found out my husband was cheating, I thought that was it, our marriage had been too bad for too long, and I couldn't take this one more thing. The bishop said that decision was not mine; I had to go to the Lord. He promised that if I asked the Lord with an open heart, I would know what to do, and the Lord would carry me through whatever came. We've had some good days, and some bad ones. I've had conversations with him when I felt like we were finally going to make it, and then when I thought about it later, I thought there wasn't any substance or hope in what was said. I don't know what will come of all this. I hope we will make it, but the guidance I received from the Lord didn't come with any guarantees. So that's my advice to you. This is too much of a burden for any person to bear. Let the Lord bear it for you. I know how much it hurts, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's been a huge comfort to hear from someone who is going through a situation so similar to mine, and I hope that I can give some of that strength and comfort back to you. You deserve way better than this. God be with you.

Husband and I visited with Stake President yesterday for further couseling. We both agreed that things have been going a lot better, but there is a long way to go. Interestingly, the thing Husband is most distressed by is my hesitation to talk about the affair. He says I act like nothing happened, and is confused when I'm nice to him. He feels depressed, self-loathing, and doesn't understand why I want to be married to him. He is also confused because I keep saying I want to be married, but when I talk about the future, it's always "if" we're still married. I brought up the phone call and email from OW. He said there are some complications with the pregnancy. She hasn't talked to her OB, so not sure how serious. I feel a little evil, kinds of hoping this will lead to a miscarriage, which would be better for everyone (except maybe the baby). After we got home, we really talked, REALLY talked, about all the important things, and all the stupid mistakes and misunderstandings that led up to this, and really that's what most of it was. I'd say "you wanted to hang out with your friends all the time, and never wanted me along," and he'd say "But you never wanted to go," or I'd say "Every time I tried to talk to you about that, you'd walk out on me," and he'd say "I don't remember ever walking away from you. Why didn't you call me back?" that kind thing. Good grief, what could we have avoided if we talked about this 3 or 4 years ago? I asked him if he's made it clear to her that they can't be alone together EVER, and he said he isn't sure. He said that he's having a really hard time with this because before the affair, she was one of his best friends, and now he can't even talk to her. That seems to me a major lapse in judgment. The only female "best friend" he should have is me. It seems like that should have been obvious, even before all this happened. I understand this is hard on both of them, but they both knew going into this that what they were doing was wrong, and they both knew what the end results would be. So, sorry she's hurt that he left her. TOO BAD. One of the things that really disturbed me as we were talking was that he confessed a strong dislike of being in public places. He had just told me a couple weeks ago that he hated going out to dinner, and I was surprised, but it's not a great problem to me, but now he's saying it's anywhere. Library, stores, etc. He says about half an hour is all he can take; then he gets---I can't remember exactly how he described it---like a creepy-crawly feeling up and down his back? This would explain his very dismal behavior when we go out. Would have been nice if he'd said something before, because I took it rather personally. Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts on this---it sounds almost like some kind of agoraphobia or social anxiety, which is wierd, because he's definitely a more social person than I am. Anyway, I'm not sure I can deal with that, especially with the kids. I wouldn't feel like a good parent if I didn't take them out sometimes, and I wouldn't feel like he was a good parent if he didn't accompany us some of the time. Anyway, there are a lots of things to worry about, but I think we're making progress. I think we're both committed, but we need to communicate better about our needs. Sometimes I think that it would be SOO much easier to just file the papers and be done with him, but that would open up a whole different can of worms. I'm not sure which path would be more difficult, but at least I see hope in this direction.

foveverafter--thanks for your encouraging post. I think yesterday I just needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm feeling much better today. My husband invited me down to his room, and we laid on the bed and watched a corny movie, and talked. Not a huge step, but like you said, it's going to be baby steps in the beginning, and I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeing some kind of progress. I think the hard part now is the up and down. One moment I feel like everything's going to be okay, and then an hour later, I feel totally hopeless. Right now, I'm feeling like we're going to make it. One way or another, the Lord has told me to work on healing this marriage, and until the Lord tells me otherwise, that is what I'm going to do. lilired--thanks for your indignation on my behalf. I've felt like throwing him out at times, but I can't see how separating with my husband would help anything at this point. It's hard enough taking the steps toward healing this relationship. I think if we separated, there would be no hope at all. As for his feelings toward the girlfriend--it's just about the pregnancy, and I think I'd be a little worried if he didn't feel bad. He should never have gotten into this relationship, but I would be disturbed if I found out he was having sex with someone he had no compassion for at all. I've felt a little smug toward his girlfriend (or ex, or whatever she is), because she has NO idea what she's gotten herself into. However, I don't think I can truly reconcile with my husband without forgiving them both. She is now facing the great hardship of single parenthood, and that without the strength of the gospel, or the wonderful support system that the church provides. Husband says she also has virtually no family support. It seems sufficient penance that she is facing this ordeal alone. I was wondering if I could get anyone's thoughts on something. Girlfriend called husband's cell last night while husband was out. No message. I also had a look at his phone a few days ago, and she had called Saturday night, after he was in bed. Again, no message, and no return call. I told husband casually about last night's call, but didn't mention Saturday's. He shrugged it off and said if it was important, she would email. He said nothing about her previous attempt to contact him. Today, I asked if she had emailed him, and he just said "yes," but didn't elaborate. I don't think he's trying to hide this from me. I think he just isn't comfortable talking to me about it right now, but I think I have a right to know what she's contacting him about. Also curious if she has emailed him before, since he hasn't mentioned previous calls. Any thoughts on how to approach this with him? I know I shouldn't be so timid, but everything is so fragile right now, I don't want to push him too hard, and drive him away, but I don't want to let him slide, either. We have a meeting with the Stake President tomorrow, and I intend to bring this up there, too. Thank you everyone for all for your support. It has been such a comfort to me.

Several people have encouraged you to follow the Lord's guidance in this matter. There is no better advice than that. One thing I would add, though, as you're pondering this very difficult choice, everyone has struggles with their testimonies sometimes. You need a companion who can bear you up when you're weak. If this man persistently struggles with his testimony, he can't be your strength when you're struggling with yours. Marriage is really hard. I heard that a thousand times before I got married, and I never really believed it until I experienced it. You want everything possible going for you, and a temple marriage is a big part of that.

Just checking in again. Had a rough weekend---a total meltdown on Sunday evening, from the stress and everything else. I just felt like I'd had 2 kids clinging to me all day, and I just wanted five minutes to myself, a little space to get something done, or maybe relax. My husband usually works graveyard, but I was really excited when he told me he'd opted to do his daytime cross training this week, but a friend called and asked him to work his Sunday night shift, so of course husband agreed, and slept all of Sunday, worked Sunday night, slept all monday, was up for a couple hours, was nice for some of that time, and then popped in a movie and zoned me out completely---acted annoyed when I tried to talk to him. Then he went back to bed (in the basement---he has his own room). Then I found out he had a meeting tonight. I had this idea that he was doing this so we could get some time together, and now I feel cheated out of that time. I wish that just once he would put his family before his work buddies. I was doing really well for a little while, trying to unbury the love for him that I haven't felt in ages, and I feel myself slipping back toward resentment and discouragement. Honestly, I can't take this much longer. I know I should be able to love unconditionally, but I'm a human being, too. I need some love, too.