moocow

Thank you for your advice. It's a hard spot to be in. I think I need to pray harder and also pray for my husband. He won't take it well if I tell the bishop, but you're right. I'm the end I'm responsible for my own salvation. That's why I feel like I should take care of this myself if he won't go in with me. I haven't been worthy for the temple for 2 1/2 years. It sucks. I hate admitting that. But it's time I do something. I don't want to be excommunicated.

My husband and I have been married 6 months. We are both active members, but we were married civilly since we broke the law of chastity. The plan was to work toward being sealed a year after marriage. It seemed simple. Well here we are halfway through that year and we have yet to confess our sins. I'm ready, but he's not. He is connected to the church school in multiple ways and he's afraid of losing his job and schooling. It's driving me crazy. He wants me to be patient and wait until he's done with school, but at this point I don't know when that will be. He's actually not even a student right now, so who knows. It could be another 2 years! My dilemma is that I really want to confess and be free of this burden, but I feel like that would cause a major issue in our marriage and he will feel betrayed and mad. And it might make things worse for him if I confess, but he doesn't, ya know? Anyone have this experience? I know I shouldn't complain. I knew what I was getting myself into. And I'm not considering divorce. I need helpful advice dealing with a stubborn guy.

Hi, I don't know why I haven't posted a reply on my own thread for awhile. I agree with what somebody said. My story is not an example of someone who gets away with having premarital sex and everything works out fine. You're right. I've been dealing with this issue for years and still have never found happiness. I'm no closer to getting married and moving on with my life than I was when I graduated High School. My boyfriend is not going to marry me civilly and the temple is only 2 blocks away from my house, but seems much further than that sometimes. So if I had to say anything to the youth, I would tell them that when it comes to getting into a relationship, there is no boy so cute or so desirable that he is worth giving up your relationship with God. If a boy ever gets in the way between you and God, you need to choose who it's going to be. Which relationship is more important to you? If you can find a guy who you can love while still building your relationship with Christ, then you can't go wrong. My boyfriend continues to put off making any decision. I must say, we have been improving though. I haven't made an appointment with the bishop. I will update you with any changes. Some more info: His job requires him to hold a current temple recommend. And for some reason he thinks his job is the only job on the planet and if he loses it, life will end. I don't know, I'm tired and frustrated with the whole thing. That's why I post on here.

Thanks for all of your advice. This is not the same guy from 3 years ago, but yes, it's the same problem AGAIN. I would like to get married civilly. I really think it's best. It is hard given the fact that it's a highly Mormon community so my friends and co-workers will all think a little less of me (it's natural). Also, he will get kicked out of school and lose his job. But I mean, this has to be resolved a soon as possible one way or another. I once felt like it would be easy to just repent together, but so far we haven't been successful and it's been a year that we've been dating and trying to repent. He does want to marry me, though. It's a two-way street. I don't put all the blame on him for this. I have my past too. Now it's just up to us to see it for what it is and make a decision. Thanks for your help.

In your personal opinion, do you think him or I would be excommunicated? He is endowed, I am not.

I am in a real pickle. I love my boyfriend, we have already decided to get married, and we would really like to just start our lives together already, but we can't. We're not worthy for the temple. We both attend church regularly, but we've been struggling with the law of chastity for a while now. It's not improving, either. It's complicated, but he is afraid of going to the bishop now since it will impact his employment and education. I'm ready to go to the bishop whenever, but we want to do it together. He keeps saying that we'll be good for awhile and then when we've been good for some time, we'll go to the bishop. But the problem is that it's not working. We definitely need help. We already ruled out a civil marriage because it's not what we want. Although, I was more pro-civil marriage than he was. But I'm not opposed to trying to repent before we are married. So now it's like we definitely act like a married couple, and yet we're not, and it's so frustrating. We're committed to each other just the same as if we made actual vows of marriage, but we didn't. Has anyone ever been stuck in a situation like this? What did you do about it? We are still interested in being sealed in the temple one day, but we're really caught up right now in this mess.

You say that you don't care what she did in he past and don't want to hear it, but you're actually scared. You show that by saying that it makes you "uncomfortable". This is something that shouldn't scare you if you really don't care about her past. If you're willing to accept her for who she is now, then what does it matter if you hear about her past? Now you're causing a wedge in your communication that is worse than the "uncomfortable" feeling you get thinking about what possible secrets she may have. You do need to hear it. You are obviously trying to keep your rose-colored glasses on during this giddy, dating phase you're in. Marriage is a big deal, so treat this seriously and let her talk. It isn't as bad as you're thinking probably. You're making it a bigger deal than it is. Just let her talk. She might be your wife one day and you can't just keep secrets from each other for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry that your wife looks like Quasimodo (in your eyes), but you are going about this in a way that is not going to get you results. For a millisecond, look at this situation from your wife's perspective. She feels unhappy with how she looks (if she's as hideous as you described her), so she might want to do something about it, but probably doesn't feel very confident in starting. She sees you working out and losing weight so easily (because you're a man and it's easier for men to lose weight) and she wants to be like you, but feels like nobody understands her frustrations. She feels alone and feels like she's more being pressured to do it to please YOU than just doing it for her own happiness and well-being. This is further emphasized in her mind when she is told: "Just so you know, girls are all over me, so if you want me to remain faithful, you might want to lose that jiggle, babe." That makes her feel good I'm sure. And I'm sure she feels motivation to keep working out when you cringe at the sight of her naked body. You must not know women very well, but it's never too late to learn. She needs you to be supportive and loving no matter how she looks. If you REALLY want to help her lose weight, make it less awkward by working out yourself and encouraging her in a nice, non-pressuring way to come with you. Then show her some new moves (try BodyBuilding.com for some good workouts) and make it a couple activity. Do all the workouts together as a team. Bring a water-bottle to share. This will build intimacy. Kiss her after a particularly hard workout and give her props for her efforts. My boyfriend got me into working out with him by being very loving, no matter how much I slacked at first. He keeps telling me my butt is tighter. I don't see it, but it makes me want to do more butt exercises just to hear him say that! Now I'm the one who gets him to go to the gym. This is after like 6 months of doing it together. Key points: Be loving and supportive. Hope that helps!

You will have to actually finish the repentance process, so the next step is to confess to your church leader. Remember, repentance goes like this: 1. Recognize that you sinned (admit to yourself) 2. Feel godly sorrow for sin (not just feel bad about consequences, but actually feel bad in your soul) 3. Apologize to people you hurt (if that applies) 4. Confess to God that you sinned and promise to never do it again 5. Confess to your bishop that you sinned Repentance is only complete when you feel that God has forgiven you (usually shown by having the Spirit back in your life again and a peaceful feeling) The bishop will look to you to tell him how you have been doing and if you're at the right place for full fellowship and being worthy for the temple after your fornication. Good luck, man! Glad to see you have made your own choices for your life. It's a shame your family disowned you after you didn't show interest in the church. That's pretty low on their part. They are family. They should love you no matter what.

I can understand a lot of what you say. I have been in both situations. I was once the naggy one who would want to bring up something at 1 am. My boyfriends have called it the drama hour. They now politely tell me that now is not the right time. As long as they are open to talking about it at noon the next day, I'm okay to let it go for the night. But honestly, there's nothing you can do to change her behavior right? So any advice on what she could do to be a nicer wife is irrelevant. What you can do then is to just listen to her concerns, and then be like, "Okay, so you don't like that I didn't clean the floor. I understand that hunny, but you have to realize that I have a lot on my mind from work and with supporting the family and other things, so I'm sorry that I upset you, but you have to see it from my perspective that I love you and I want to make you happy. If I didn't see the floor, it's not because I don't care. I will try to be better, babe, but you have to realize the things I'm doing for you too." And then hopefully she will take a step back and listen to YOU. You don't always have to just listen to her all the time and be like "I'm sorry." You can open up the argument to be a two-sided thing where -- gasp -- you both come out winners! Just make sure you always tell her that you love her somewhere along the line, express genuine sorrow for making her sad, but also put your **** foot down, boy, and tell her how you expect to be treated. You could be a little crybaby too if you wanted. She doesn't get to have all the rights to that. Bam! Tell her what's up. If she wants to be with you, which she really does (she's just trying to get power over you by threatening divorce), she needs to learn her role. She is overstepping her role and that can't continue if you're going to stay with her. Yeah, that's right. Maybe YOU are the one who has the power now. If she's pregnant and has a baby, of course she doesn't really want a divorce. You have more power over her than you realize. She is just trying to make it seem like she does. But she can't live without you. Intimacy will come when your relationship is more leveled out and you are more dominant. Women want a dominant guy, even if your wife acts like she's Queen Bee. She doesn't realize that she's sabotaging her happiness, out of fear and insecurity in herself probably. So step up your role and be the man and put her in her place (gently) and then see how quickly she starts wanting you in bed. Trust me. P.S. I'm not sexist against women. I am a woman. I love me a dominant man. I find it super attractive when my boyfriend totally throws my PMS drama back at me and I realize, "Wow, I'm a little over-dramatic". It's always out of love. And I can sense it and I respect it.

You're probably right that you shouldn't take the sacrament right now. I myself am going through the same thing. But honestly, it gets harder to go to sacrament meeting in the first place if you know you're not going to be taking the sacrament. At least for me it is.

President Hinkley's advice: “I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Any man who will make his wife’s comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come” Happily married for nearly 67 years.

I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks when you are told the truth and it's not what you wanted to hear. The good thing is that he's honest with you. He's not hiding around and lying to you. The fact is that true love isn't all about the butterflies. It can include butterflies, but it doesn't MEAN anything (like a sign or something) if you don't feel them. I remember after 3 years with my boyfriend, I didn't feel all twitterpated anymore. We just got comfortable. It wasn't bad though, but I agree it was like a let-down from what I thought it would be. My current boyfriend is better, but he isn't magically different or anything; he just works to CREATE a more exciting feeling with me. He will "woo" me and do those little extra fun romantic things. He chooses to do them, I'm sure it would be easy to get comfortable. You sometimes do have to fake it 'till you make it. Create a situation or setting that makes you kind of giddy. If you look around and see other people in that honeymoon stage, don't be jealous. People don't make it to 50 still completely enamored with their spouse. But they love them. Love each other. Figure out what that means for your relationship. Put in simpler terms, you guys are coming off a 'high' and need to reestablish what you're looking for in being together and start that change of mind! You can be happy together and reinvent yourselves whenever you want. It's your choice.

Sounds like you are doing everything a good wife should! But you still have this problem on your hands, so that's why I'm going to give you this last advice. It's usually used for dating couples, but it might work for you actually. Try making yourself less "available" for him. Make him work for you again. Not like withholding sex or anything, not anything that destroys love, just little things. Back up a little and let him start to miss those cuddly times. You never know, pretty soon he might be wondering where his little cuddle bug went when she's out with her friends or busy with some kind of project that occupies her time. See what happens. It's low-risk as long as you keep it casual and not as a revenge tactic or something like that. If he's super care-free, he may not even notice so be comfortable with yourself if that ends up being the case.

Why is everyone scaring her into thinking her husband must be cheating on her? Probably what happened was that he went into the marriage naive and having these high expectations of what sex is. He probably thought too highly of the "idea" of it all. But now he's hitting reality and feeling a little let down about the "idea" of marriage. They say the first year is the hardest. So I feel like although your situation sucks, it's not a sure sign of a crumbling marriage. You two just need to go on some fun, exciting dates. Something that will get your adrenaline pumping maybe (theme park, rock climbing, etc.) and bring back that excitement that he's craving. For now, get yourself a little puppy or something to cuddle and then focus only on his needs. It seems to me that one of his needs aren't being met. And that's why he's not interested in being all cuddly. Maybe he's holding his feelings inside about something?? You probably don't know what is really bothering him, and it may have nothing to do with sex. Don't jump to the first conclusions.

Yes, that's how I feel too. I have heard that bishops council couples to just get married civilly in a lot of cases where they are having trouble. At some point, just getting married is the goal. That's where I'm at. But I'm not giving up. I will still get sealed in the temple eventually. That is my ultimate goal.

Thank you guys for your encouragement. I will not get married in the temple unworthily. We're still dating and we're not ready to take the next step of getting married, but he is opened up a lot to the idea of a civil marriage. At first he said we should try repenting for the temple, but I think he sees now that we're not strong enough to do that at this point. It would be better to just get married civilly. I am not afraid of what people will think, because honestly most of his friends already know about us. It would show them that sinning does come with consequences and this is just one of them. I don't know, we'll see what happens. Personal revelation is pretty much non-existent right now, but I have been doing a lot of thinking anyway about this whole mess.

I definitely have no intention of going to the temple unworthily. And I know it doesn't effect my salvation if other do. My purpose in bringing it up is that I guess I do have connections or tend to be surrounded by a lot of crazy college kids and I know way too much about them. And it's not just "gossip". Plus I kind of fall into the same category. I agree that most people are worthy when they are married. I'm just frustrated to see people so desperate to put up a front that they are willing to lie to the Lord and make huge covenants half-heartedly. I know it shouldn't matter what people do, but I'm just pointing out that it's kind of strange how few LDS people get married civilly. The only ones you hear about getting married civilly are also inactive, so it's not a shocker. I'm honestly not too worried about it anymore. I'm over it. I'm happy with my own life and I love church and won't let peer pressure override my dedication to the Lord.

I know people on this forum think that I'm projecting my own problems onto everyone else, but it might be that people are really good at hiding it. I know of a lot of people who have hidden sins. No one will say anything because they have hidden sins too. I go to a church school so I see a lot of people in a small town and know too much about everyone. Believe me, it happens more than you think. I just got another wedding invitation for time and all eternity. I wanted to bust out laughing. I think if you're not worthy, you should admit to it. And in turn, those around you in the church should keep their judgments to themselves. If families weren't so pushy to go to the temple, people wouldn't be entering the temple unworthily quite as often. That's the point I wanted to make. And all that stuff about getting married civilly in the temple... that's very rare so why bring it up?

As far as what he wants with your relationship, I don't know. He's probably more pressured by family and his bishop than really thinking about his love for you. He has had a huge reality check and his feelings may have shifted dramatically. As for your relationship, based on what you've said, it sounds like you are both pretty young. To carry on a relationship via text for however long you did, you can't really get to know a person as well as if you actually went on dates together and experienced everyday normal interactions together. You know, go to the grocery store or take a mini road trip. What probably happened was that you were both really looking for something amazing and were able to provide some great distractions for each other even though he was busy being a missionary. The fact that you set a wedding date, picked out where you would live, what pets you'd have, the names of your future kids, etc. tells me that you were both really imaginative and idealistic, but not very realistic. It sounds like you moved really fast in your relationship. And as far as the sexual transgression, that again sounds like you moved too fast and didn't use a lot of good judgement. In the beginning of every relationship you go through a "honeymoon" stage. After that you can finally see the negative sides to a person to help you make a better decision. Missionaries tend to act a little strange when they're on their missions away from everyone they know, hanging out with guys all day. You were FUN, but I don't know about FOREVER. Keep your head up. (Also, if you want to get him back, you need to act busy and act like you don't care too much. Remind him subtly of why he loved you, but then be just out of reach. Make him show you that he's willing to work for you.)

yeah... i'm surrounded by mormons where I'm at.

My boyfriend and I have committed fornication and are not worthy for the temple. I want to just get married civilly and then get sealed when we're both worthy and ready. He wants to just get sealed and repent later???? Has anyone dealt with these same issues before? I know a lot of people who have also committed fornication and they hide it to save face. I'm not willing to do that. I still go to church and want to be better. What do you think of people who marry civilly. Obviously people know why...

Oh. haha. teacher in the priesthood. sorry, just a little on edge. been at the school allll day.

What do you mean by "he's only a teacher"? First, what does that have to do with anything? Second, don't get me started on people who think teaching is easy. Really, you don't want to go there. He's only a teacher???

That is called petting. It is immoral. There is light petting (touching over clothes) and heavy petting (touching under clothes). You need to go to your bishop and confess for light touching and beyond. Only through confessing to your bishop will you be worthy for the temple again. My advice is that you are heading down a path. You will not stop at just touching her boobs. So decide now if she's a girl you want to have sex with or not. That's what you're heading toward. Just saying.