Most of you will may find this post upsetting. (Pam and other moderators, please don't delete it.) This time I'm not posting copyrighted church materials. :) The post was going to be in the original bishop's shooting thread. As I was typing, my post seemed to take on it's own character. I decided to post this as new but is related to the shooting of the Bishop in California. I started a long paragraph but realised readers need a bit of background about me to understand my point of view. To make this simple I'll list some quick facts inorder to better understand what I wrote.
01 Parents divorced when I was 2 & father remarried member of the church.
02.He had total 4 sons - 2 from each marriage
03. I was raised by my non-member mother while 3 brothers live with father
04 All brothers and there families are active in church
05 I was baptized in 1989 and was semi-active through the 1990's - eventually had name removed from records due to built up anger with myself and being gay
06 2007 came out to LDS side of family- Decided to give church another try - this time being honest
07 2008 baptized by father and confirmed by a brother.
08 long history of mental health problems and am on disability- I have weekly couseling and take meds.
Now for what I typed in the original post. I WANT TO ADD I TRULY FEEL SORRY FOR THE BISHOP'S FAMILY AND THE MEMBERS OF HIS WARD.
I'm sure most of you will not like this post. The shooting of the Bishop, in California, is a big release of anger for me. I was Baptized by my father in 2008. Not long after the baptism he passed away due to complications of a stroke. I'm gay & most of my family knows about me. As for church I was "being good and celibate". I became an Elder, attended a baptism session at a temple, and was about to have my first calling in church. Local church leaders knew what I was strugling with. They were also aware of my dysthymia ( constant low-grade depression) and social anxiety disorder. With all those things to deal with, my anxiety increased each time I went to church. I never really fit in. Mainly, because I was not married & had children. The church calling was a behind the scenes clerk job, which involved little interaction with people. I was basicly a loner in a church full of people. I would have continued to fell more anxious as the time went on. Church leaders tried to help but nothing eased my anxiety. I was also denying myself companionship to live a church lifestyle.
November 2008, sent me over the edge. I was disgusted with the church's involvement and victory of the passing of Proposition 8. I do not live in California but live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal. To maintain my stable mental health life , I decided to become inactive. This was in February 2009, the same month my father passed away. Anxiety grew to anger towards the church. It was going to rip me apart.
Now that I have distanced myself from the church I am much happier than when I was active. Out of respect for my father and brothers I will not seek to have my name removed from the records again. Also I have found my companion, that I've been seeking for all my adult life.
As most of you are aware Prop 8 is in the news again. Much of the anger towards the church has started to come up again. Owning the Prop:8 the Mormon Proposition movie on dvd did not help either. AS FOR THE SHOOTING OF THE BISHOP, NEWS STILL DOES NOT INDICATE THE MOTIVE BEHIND THE SHOOTER. IN A STRANGE WAY, THE SHOOTER'S ACTION HAS SOMEHOW RELEAVED MY ANGER. I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING HARMFUL TOWARD THE CHURCH OR ITS MEMBERS. The shooter's actions was kind of like a "proxy" to vent my frustration. Why he did what he did was wrong and has actions has changed many lives. I do feel bad about the situation even though it somehow helped me. What ever happens in California, regarding the church and Prop 8, I will not let it bother me. My companion and I don't need to be legally married to be happy with each other. But, I will continue to support same sex marriage. I KNOW THE CHURCH PROMOTES NORMAL AND TEMPLE MARRIAGES. The church teaches temple marriages can be for time and eternity. I wish same-sex marriage would not be a problem. Couples would be happy if they chose that avenue. Christianity teaches regular marriages are "till doeath do us part". That would be the case for same sex marriages. I feel that would not interfere with the churches teachings of God's full eternal plan.
THOSE LAST FEW SENTENCES HELPS ME COPE WITH THE CHURCH, ANXIETY, PROP 8 AND THE WRONGFUL MURDER OF THE BISHOP.