danni

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  1. Things are a whole lot worse, and I have no idea what to do. I have never felt more alone. (We have been in this new city for about 6 mths so haven't really built up any good friendships yet... and am a looong way from my old friends, whom I've pretty much lost contact with) I started a thread before on a few problems that were going on at the time (last week). My husband went away for the weekend, his band was playing up north and he got back yesterday. Really tired - as they don't get a lot of sleep. But since he got back he was really distant. I had made sure the house was super clean, got the kids bathed, dinner ready etc. We hardly talked (not for my lack of trying). Finally went to bed and he broke down... literally cried (and if you knew my husband, he never cries - so you can imagine my shock). He said that there's something going on inside him, he doesn't know what it is, he doesn't understand it himself. When he was up there with the band, he felt "free" - he said he wasn't talking bout me, our marriage, kids or anything... he said he can't explain it but it was a feeling inside. He told me that for a couple of months he's been feeling like this - at first he thought it was some phase he was going through... but he said it feels like it's bigger than he is - almost like an illness. He said it's not about anything in our lives - he's happy with everything, music etc... all that we do... but yeah... he can't explain it. But he feels like he's going to explode. He said that he would love to just go away for a while on his own... travel up the coast and think and ponder on it... but then he feels selfish for feeling like that cos he knows I need time out too. He said it could be mid-life crisis... but he's only 37... and I dunno! After all that, I just comforted him and tried to listen and not say too much... This morning, he's been even more distant... and now he's told me that what he's going through is only going to spill over onto me... and that he wants to leave. Not forever... but for a while. I'm like WHAT? What gives HIM the right to up and leave?!! I'm just as tired... I haven't had a break in the past 5 years either!!! (actually 6 for me if you include being pregnant!)... I don't know what to do... I have no-one to talk to (I would NEVER tell my family this anyway.. they are way too judgemental!), so this is my only choice... to write on a forum and get advice from people I don't even know.... I feel so lame. And yeah I know I should be thinking bout him, and being there for him - and I try. I do. But man... I have poured soooo much into this marriage, him, his music... and I feel like I get very little back.... I feel so empty inside... so lonely. Sorry for the long post.
  2. Thanks, to confuse the issue even more - he retracted it the next day. Grrr! I'd rather just know his honest feelings... whether it hurts or not. I guess I'm really intent on knowing the truth because of something my Dad said to me. I was really close to my Dad (who was fatally shot while out hunting 7 yrs ago) and the last time we talked (this was before I even met my husband), we were talking about guys and he asked me to look at him and said to me "don't ever settle for second best - you deserve much better than that". So I feel like I made a pact with him that day... What I'm saying is, that that is the reason I need to know if my husband is in this for the long haul. I am. I have put my heart and soul into this... have sacrificed sooo much for him and his career. He knows that, and I know he appreciates it. But when he talks so easily about leaving, or being on his own... I just sit back and think how disappointed my Dad would be if I let this go on... feeling like I don't mean much to my own husband. But then.... like my post yesterday - he turns it all around... so yeah, even I'm confused.
  3. I like this - it's doing it in a positive way instead of focusing on the negative. Thanks :) You're right, even if we do nothing else, doing this might just help. We're lucky in the fact that we work together. We get a lot of time together, it's great, I wouldn't have it any other way... our days can be very flexible - so if we needed to take a couple of hours to do something, we can take it :) But if we need our space, we can have that too. Thanks for your post :)
  4. Thanks for your point there, the times I'm talking about are when he says something (or does something) that is insulting or hurtful. It's like he has too much pride to bother to fix it, or rather, make it right. 'Fix it' is probably the wrong term. 'Make it right' would probably better suit this situation. The thing is, if I say or do something offensive to him - most of the time I don't even realise I have done it - but the minute I see that I have done that, I reassure him that: a) he either misunderstood what I was saying/doing; or b) I was wrong in saying/doing that, it was heat of the moment and I'm sorry. I guess somehow we will find a way to work through this... I hope so anyway.
  5. Thank you so much!!! This is exactly right!
  6. When he says or does something that hurts me... it cannot be justified how he ignores me, and expects it to just "blow over". I wasn't bought up in the church (in fact, my family are against it), but nevertheless I was bought up with good morals. My Mum taught me to "treat people how you want to be treated"... and that is what I try to live by. I don't care if he's "male" and that's the reason he acts like this. Regardless of whether you are male or female you need to learn to respect someone's feelings. If you are wrong, drop your pride and apologise. If you say something hurtful, apologise. Ok it seems that there's been a bit of confusion - my fault sorry, maybe I didn't clarify enough in my first post. That talk we had - was literally about breaking up. The things he said (regarding loving me but not being 'in love', thinking of other people, being single etc), he was pretty much saying that he's here because he has no choice (i.e he doesn't want to leave our children, can't afford to go out and get his own place etc), so it's just like he's here not for me - but cos he has no choice. So yeah, that is what is hurtful. Here I was thinking that, while we have our tough times, we love each other and are always going to be together no matter what etc... and here he is thinking bout being on his own - maybe even wishing! That is why I feel the foundations of our marriage have been shaken. Because we were on two different playing fields and I didn't even realise it!! I thought, for the most part, that things were pretty dandy! So I'm sure you can understand why I was so shocked by these revelations... and hurt. I don't have a vision of 'unrealistic fantasy'. I just want love, compassion, respect. I don't think that is too much to ask. I think it's the basics of a good marriage. When you're wrong, admit it. If you say something hurtful, apologise.
  7. Ah I love this theory... thank you for sharing!! Yes I think I agree with this. You're right, there is different communication skills. His is to ignore the problem and hope it goes away... mine is to sort it out. Every time when this has been discussed between us, we agree that he shouldn't ignore me or my needs at a time like that, and he says he will change that next time - he does have an issue with pride (don't most guys!) so I do think that is a big part of it. But each time it happens.... nothing changes. So perhaps reading one of these book suggestions might be worthwhile.
  8. Thanks for all the input - I do appreciate it and am always open to your thoughts, comments and advice. Most of all - thank you for taking the time to post them here. Of course, as you would expect, there are some things that I don't agree with - and that's ok :) I still respect your opinion, and thank you for sharing it. But there are some things here that have also helped me to see things from a different perspective. Also I might be able to add a bit more info so as to clarify things. I write as honestly as I can - so that you can get an honest view of the situation - I'm not here to put across a rose-coloured view of my marriage so that everybody feels sorry for me. I don't want that - and that won't help me one bit!. I want honest opinions and thoughts that can HELP me. So... here we go... :) This has been a bit of a contention point throughout our marriage. There's a very big selfish part of him - but I knew that when I married him, and love him in despite of that. I'm not perfect either. I'm ok if HE chooses the movie, or decides what we are going to do that day, or makes predominantly most of the decisions. But over the years, I have learned when to stand my ground - and he is good about it when I do. I tend to "pick my battles" if you know what I mean I'm sorry, I entirely disagree with this. You see, in my opinion, every sin you commit starts with the "thought". If you entertain that thought and think about other women - then isn't that a sin already?? Maybe by "natural" you mean 'worldly' - in the worldly way it may be natural.... not in the eyes of the church i wouldn't think..... and certainly not in my eyes. Once again, just my opinion.
  9. First of all - thank you to all of you who have replied. Have read each and every one of the replies and it has helped me a lot. Oh and missingsomething - I just checked out the trailer for Fireproof - looks really good, so might watch that tonight :) What is the "Love Dare" though? Anyways, just an update to you all... I had a really good talk with him today. He listened to me... we talked for a good couple of hours. It was really helpful and he has explained things. I think I still feel wary - not readily believing everything he says like I usually would. I do feel that the foundations of our marriage have been shaken... but he has told me we will get through it. He said that he knows I am his soul mate and no matter what the future holds he will always love me and there could never be anyone else that knows him like I do or understands him like I do. So... again I thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I will remain active here on the forums - or try to. I want my husband and I to go back to church and continue doing the basics (if not just for our children's sake), he wants that too... but we both find it hard. Why? I have no idea! The basics are the hardest! I often wonder why they are called the "basics"!
  10. I have been married over 6 years and love my husband. I have put my heart and soul into this marriage. He has been good to me, and still is... mostly. Like any other marriage, there have been hard times - but we have worked through them. The only problem that's continued through our marriage is that when I am upset over something he has said or done - he doesn't comfort me, or make me feel better. He leaves me alone till I am "over it". I don't get that. I'm not like that - if I ever said anything to offend him or that upset him - I would fix it and make him feel better. The other week, we had a pretty serious conversation and I bought this up. I asked him how he can bear to see me so upset if he is "in love with me". That's when he told me that he doesn't know if he's in love with me (he "loves" me, but not sure if he's "in love" with me). He also said that he does sometimes think about being single or what it would be like to be with someone else - especially when times are hard or we've had a disagreement. Is that normal? No matter what we go through, I don't think like that!! So I was pretty devastated at hearing all that. I have put so much into this - laid my emotions bare and he's always had this "guard" up emotionally. Anyways, since this, I have felt pretty depressed and just really genuinely sad. Sad that I give so much and get so little in return - and last night had a dream about his band mate - and his band mate is the sweetest guy ever! I love him (not like that!! lol), but am finding that I am attracted to him - to his sweet and fun personality. He's a really really nice fun guy and always gives me a hug and is awesome to me! A lotta fun, makes me laugh. My husband seems to have lost that part of him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to feel like this - I want to be with my husband, I have given so much emotionally and feel like I can't give anymore love until I get some back - but him holding back, and not being sure he's "in love" with me - well I think I deserve more than that, don't I? Sorry this is so long... it's hard to get all the facts in. we're inactive at the moment - have all the good intentions there... but I know, that's not enough. I would love to be active - properly, fully, but how can I when I'm so unhappy with life at home.