rengh

What I mean by what I said is that I have not looked at anything illegal. Sometimes I haved looked at nudist sites which include pictures of nude people of all ages, some children or teenagers and still be legal. I have also verged into looking at sites of teens in bikinis or boys with shirts off etc. This is the only place I have said that outloud, well in message forum. I just don't know how to say that and not feel like I have no hope and not feel judged every time the bishop looks at me and not think he thinks I am a evil pedophile.

I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about my problem and I do not know why. I have talked to my bishop about porn before and go a few months without having a problem and then get bored and bam. I dont really feel like I have a living testimony--i know it is all true, but i dont feel it. I feel bored in church, praying, reading the scriptures all feel boring and unhelpful.

A lot is going on in my life, and I have a hard time feeling or showing emotion. My parents are getting divorced after 25 or so happy years and 4 bad years. My dad cheated on my mom, moved out of state to work (couldnt stay here), and eventually stopped caring about repenting/coming back to the church etc. He now flirts and has a girlfriend and is even thinking about buying a house down there before the divorce is even finalized. My mom tries to protect me from this information, but needless to say he is choosing a different lifestyle. He has been my main support through my life--I have never been able to talk to my mom like I talk to my dad. I havent told either of them anything personal for many years, I tell all of that to my friend. Anyways, the fact that I do not feel fully in the church makes this worse. I go, but have been addicted to porn for a while and repented many times, and only do it maybe once or twice a month, sometimes once every few months, but am afraid of going to the bishop now. I dont know why, maybe because of things I have seen while looking at porn that make me feel even worse. I dont feel a trust to talk to my bishop about it. Some things I have seen involve pictures of fyoung teenagers, not child pornography, as in all legal stuff, but I feel so ashamed that I feel like I will never tell anyone and thus never be to the point where I will have a chance at exaltation when I die. I feel like my hope of salvation is lost and basically I cant talk to anyone about it. I feel like my family is now apart, and I do not feel like I can talk to my mom, and certainly not my dad now. THanks for listening :) I just wish I could go back in time and make everything right.

I have been struggling with pornography for some years now. I have talked to many bishops about this. I always go back, al though it is less now, but I feel horrible and terrible because of some of the thoughts I have that can become pedophile like that lead to me looking at similar pictures online that are legal but nonetheless induce pedophile like thoughts. I do not have the guts to tell a bishop I have looked at such images. I feel like i know I will not go to the celestial kingdom if I die right now. I dont know what to do. I can stop, but I feel like I can never tell anyone because of how horrible it is.