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Posts posted by JudoMinja

  1. I'm finally back on LDS.net!

    We've been in Kentucky for almost two months now, and man has it been an interesting ride. My parents didn't get to move into their house right away and the apartment I had lined up fell-through, so we were all stuck living in a hotel room together for about three weeks. And I am currently living in my parents house while I try to get my own place. Rentals are extremely few and far between here, so I'm working on looking for a place to buy.... Yikes! First time even thinking about buying a home, but I qualify for a USDA Rural 100% finance loan and I can afford a decent 2-3 bedroom place, so it should be another month or so before I'm in my own place.

    My parents had internet up in their place right before the holidays, but with all the excitement of moving, and the new job, and then family coming to visit, I kinda put coming back on here on the back burner.

    So far though, I'm loving it here. :D We have a very small branch, but everyone is soooooo friendly and outgoing and helpful. My mom is being called as the Relief Society President tomorrow (shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;) ), and my name is in for a calling- I don't know what yet, just know they told her no when she requested me as a counselor because they already had something in mind for me.

    My son is one of five other children in the nursery, my two brothers increasing the youth by 1/3 it's original size. We have no Elder missionaries, but the Sister missionaries and Senior missionaries have been over for dinner and to help out several times, along with the Branch President and some other members.

    I was given a solo to sing in the Christmas program and ended up tearing up halfway through the last verse, but looking out at the pews about half the congregation had teared up with me and they all commented on how they felt the spirit, so I wasn't too embarrassed.

    And I'm fitting right in at work, keeping busy and getting more and more responsibilities. They're already talking about the possibility of a raise in pay.

    The town here is small, but not too small. We have a Walmart, but no local book store. I had to order the most recent release of my favorite book series online so I wouldn't waste an hours worth of gas just to drive to a place I could get it. There's someone with a few horses right up the street from us (within walking distance), and tons of farmers. Lots of wide open space, trees, green grass, dogs, deer, parks, etc. And we even got a bit of snow for Christmas.

    Anyway, just wanted to drop in with an update now that things are starting to really feel settled, and I plan on getting on here occaisonally to bring my two-cents back to the discussions. I missed you guys!

  2. Well, I'm about to head back to my apartment to finish packing and should be on the road again tomorrow. Hoping we all get there safely and things go smoothly. I'm not sure how long it will be before I have internet up and running again, but once I do I will check back here to let you guys know how things are going in Kentucky.

  3. This was a triumph.

    I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.

    It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

    Aperture Science:

    We do what we must because we can

    for the good of all of us

    except the ones who are dead.

    But there's no sense crying over every mistake

    You just keep on trying 'til you run out of cake

    And the science gets done and you make a neat gun

    for the people who are still alive.

    ...... Something is wrong with me. I should not have been able to write all that from memory..... o.o

  4. I think the "good, better, best" concept applies here. Doing what is righteous should always take priority in our lives, no matter what. But there are many things that fall under the "good, better, best" category that would be considered "right". In those cases, we need to use our good judgment in determining whether or not the deed takes precedence over a spouse, family, or anything else for that matter. What may be the proper way to handle it for one couple will be totally different for another couple, depending on their circumstances.

  5. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable being single! If marriage is something you eventually want for yourself, I wouldn't give up on it entirely, but you don't need to put so much focus and emphasis on it that you feel more and more miserable the longer you remain unmarried.

    What your last boyfriend said: "You are not the one. This is not the narrative that will eventually make me happy." is reflective of an attitude that has become far to prevalent in the world, and especially the church. I used to think this way myself, and it shapes the way we approach dating, but it is all wrong. Let me explain:

    First of all, there is no "the one". We should not be on a quest to find "the one", because that is a fantasy that just doesn't exist in the world. There will be no chiming bells, no special obvious feeling that tells us "Yes, that's the one", no unique spark, no perfect complementary fit to your character. Movies have robbed us as a culture of an understanding about what love really is. "True love" is not finding that one special someone who just happens to be your perfect match with whom everything will work perfectly. True love is giving of yourself selflessly to another, even though neither of you are perfect and you may not always get along. True love is sticking with that someone through thick and thin and holding true to your commitments.

    Secondly- we should not go into a relationship expecting the other to make us happy. Happiness comes from within, and nothing will bring someone the happiness they are looking for if they continue to leave the control of that happiness with something outside themselves. This is why it is okay to be single- you don't need a partner to be happy. You don't need a partner to live a fulfilling life. Marriage is not "happily ever after", and you don't need to hold off on allowing yourself happiness. In fact- working on yourself and striving to do those things which will foster happiness within yourself is exactly what will prepare you to truly be ready for a partner, because you will be making yourself whole and capable of giving to enrich the life of another person.

    I think we could probably attribute at least half the marraige problems we see today to people who married with a false ideology embedded in their minds, and when things didn't work out the way they expected they felt tricked or duped and start thinking they must have made a mistake in who they chose, because if it was "the one" and if it was "true love" things would have gone more smoothly. But the problem isn't that they made a wrong choice. It is that they had a false premise of marraige and love. If we can remove ourselves of these false ideals we could nip so many problems in the bud, the dating wouldn't be quite so frustrating, and more marraiges would be successful.

    I wouldn't give up on marraige if it is something you want for yourself. But instead of looking for some special "click", ask yourself with each single guy you spend time with- "Is this someone progressing in righteousness?" That is really the most important question, because such a person will stand by you in a marraige and will foster righteousness in your future children, holding your family together under Christ. If the answer seems to be "yes", then spend more time getting to know them, becoming familiar with them, and building a relationship - even if that relationship is just a friendship! Because so many approach dating with the wrong attitude, it is actually better to avoid the pressure of dating and to slowly foster a relationship of trust with those who might be good choices.

    And in the meantime- use your time being single to work on yourself and make sure you are progressing in righteousness. Relationships take time to grow, and as long as you are being social and involved in others lives, you are doing your part to look. The rest of preparing for a marraige is taking care of yourself, and doing what you can to make yourself whole so that you will be capable of giving the required service to another. It will take time- especially since there are so many who approach marraige and dating with the wrong mindset, and it is quite possible you won't ever have the opportunity to marry. That's okay. As long as you are living righteously, growing and sharing and progressing, you will receive the righteous desires of your heart in the Lord's time. Being content with being single, while still not giving up on the prospect of marraige, is possible when we trust Him and focus on our eternal progression instead of on finding "the one".

  6. Thanks for your very deeply expressed response. I know I should not be debating my sadness and lack of faith, I just need to suffer through it. No one can convince someone who is sad and lonely to just shake it off and be healthy again.

    My lack of devotion to the gospel is the most painful. I'm just going through the motions without any conviction or sincerity. My answers aren't going to discovered through debating.

    Thanks to everyone who offered advice and support.

    There's nothing wrong with bringing your feelings to a board like this. It gives you a chance to write it out and come to a better understanding for why you feel the way you do. It may not be possible to reason feelings away, but it is at least possible to understand those feelings through the application of reason and logic. We can then reach conclusions on ways to work through those feelings, even if the feelings themselves remain.

    Things like anger and depression are irrational. I know when I start feeling angry or depressed about anything to do with my life, I become most frustrated with the fact that those feelings are so irrational because I'm a more logic based person than a feelings based person. But knowing my feelings are irrational doesn't make them go away. They eventually fade on their own as I focus on things other than my pain, but then they resurface later when I find myself struggling again.

    Talking with others is a great outlet, not only to help those feelings work their way through, but to realize we are not alone in the way we feel. While you may not find answers here, you can find an outlet. And in time, as you focus on productive endeavors, your irrational feelings will fade and you can look back on this moment as a period of growth.

    Or- you can feed those feelings and let them fester, so that you become so bitter and angry with God and the world that there is no more progress out of your irrational state. I've known people that choose to do this to themselves, and they are absolutely miserable. Nothing anyone does to try and help them works, because they've become stuck in their gloomy mindset and lost all hope for anything brighter. I don't think you're the type to do this to yourself, and I hope you don't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling periods of depression or anger- as long as it remains only a period and isn't something we dwell on indefinitely.

  7. That would be nice, but I don't have anything else. There is nothing else I want to do on my own. It is the very act of aloneness that makes any action undesirable.

    Personally, I really think this is what you need to work on. You may be 57, but you still have life to live, and there should be things you are interested in that can give your life purpose. There are ways to go out and about and find things to do that will get you socializing with others so you won't be completely alone.

    Feeling like you have no purpose, nothing productive to occupy your time, will cause you to feel dissatisfied with everything else about your life. The fact that you are single is just something for you to target to blame for your dissatisfaction, and part of that is because we are culturally taught that marraige will provide the fulfillment and happiness we are looking for. That just isn't the case though. Certainly marraige can add to a fulfilling life, but even married people face problems where they feel their life just hasn't gone the direction they've planned. That's why people go through mid-life crises.

    You will never feel satisfied with yourself and your life if you don't give yourself a purpose. If there's something more you want to learn- go back to college. If you have a special interest- join a group or club. If your work is unfulfilling- find a way to improve your workplace or make a career change. Work on your talents and the traits that make you you. Life isn't over, just because you're 57.

    I'll consider that when He and I are on speaking terms again. It's hard to feel anything now other than a desire to turn away. I'm not going to pretend a devotion I don't feel.

    That's perfectly understandable. And as others have suggested, since you seem to want to get back on speaking terms with Him, even though you are currently angry, perhaps you could try praying for a softened heart? Or you could ask for a priesthood blessing?

    That's the only thing you've said that hints at you being young. I'm 57 years old and I can assure you with absolute certainty, there is very much wrong with being single.

    I disagree, and I think our age difference isn't the only reason we don't see this the same way. I came out of an extremely destructive marraige and had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that being single is okay. It is certainly better than being married to someone abusive. If I cannot find a man that will be a positive influence on me and build me up and encourage me to strive for improvement, then I'm better off without a partner.

    I think there are many people who have this belief that getting married will fix their ailes, because their partner will be this "perfect fit" who complements them by being strong where they are weak and making them "complete". But it is not a spouse that makes someone complete- it is the atonement. You can be and feel complete without a spouse. And I think that the most successful marraiges are those where two complete individuals come together to enrich one another's lives, instead of two incomplete individuals expecting their partner to make them whole.

    I know that is what I thought when I first got married, and because of that incorrect belief I focused on doing everything I could to make my partner whole while expecting that he would help make me feel whole. But it just doesn't work that way. Even in a healthy marraige. Control over your happiness, sense of fulfillment, and satisfaction is something that comes from the inside, not the outside.

    Actually I have a brother and sister 1100 miles away and another brother 2400 miles away. I e not seen any of them in years, I have no family. The wad family is great for three hours a week, but you can't build a life or a social life around that. I do splits with the missionaries whenever they ask, about 2-3 times a month. I assure you, that doesn't make for a full life. Every night I am alone, every weekend and holiday I am alone. I want my own family, not being the odd guest at someone else's thanksgiving dinner.

    Find things you can get out and do so you aren't alone all the time. Whether that's at church or elsewhere. Volunteer somewhere. Find a cause you can get involved in that will help you feel like you are accomplishing something.

    As I said before, I'm already 57 years old. I want a wife I can have a life with, if I wait any longer I'll be looking for a roommate for my nursing home instead.

    This makes it sound like you've been waiting to live until you find a wife. At 57, doesn't that seem like such a waste? You have no way of knowing how much more time you're going to have. You need to live now. Wife or not.

    I understand your desire to have someone to share your life with, but dwelling on that too much when so much of the result is out of your control will drive you crazy with longing and loathing. Take care of what you can control, let go of the rest, and live now.

  8. Sometimes, what we need in order to hold on to our hope is something to strive for. Singlehood can become rather depressing, because so much lies outside our own hands. Much is in the hands of others- our potential spouse, and the Lord. The longer you remain single, the more you see people around you that are married and the harder it is to find other singles who might make a good match for you. That hopelessness comes when you feel you are doing all you can to improve or alter your circumstances, but it just isn't enough. So you need to find a different direction- a different motivation- something different to strive for.

    I believe that when we are engaged in the Lord's work and doing our part, He prepares a way for us to receive the righteous desires of our hearts in His time. All those "His ways are not our ways" quotes are more about accepting His will for our lives and learning to redirect ourselves when things don't seem to be going the way we planned. We must keep ourselves open to other opportunities, constantly reevaluate our goals, and seek His guidance prayerfully to know what He would have us do.

    Part of "His work" is improving ourselves, and these improvements will prepare you for a spouse. That means that even if your dating pool is small, even if you're longing that marriage and loathing singlehood, anything you do to better yourself and draw nearer to the Lord will bring you closer to your goal. Remember that marriage is a three-way relationship, between you, your spouse, and the Lord. You should be doing everything you can to make the "triangle" small, by drawing closer to your spouse and to God. When the third end of the triangle is unknown, the best thing you can do is draw near to God.

    The fact that you are angry right now is okay. You are mourning a loss of a potential relationship and you are having to shift your focus, which is hard. Whenever our plans for ourselves don't work out, it causes frustration, which can lead to anger or depression or both. In order to transition out of that phase of anger though, you need to shift your focus and bring your goals for yourself more in line with what the Lord intends for you. Think of the serenity prayer- let go of the things you can't control and work to change the things you can. Don't let your life become static- keep moving forward. Always look for ways you can improve yourself and progress forward.

    I know I'm still pretty young, but I often feel the frustration of wishing I were married but still being single. Whenever I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock, I just reorient myself and see if there's anything different I could be doing to improve myself and my situation. If I'm doing everything I can, I take some deep breaths and remind myself that everything will come together as the Lord sees fit, and there's nothing wrong with being single. Yep. I said it. And I'll say it again. There's nothing wrong with being single.

    With all the focus on "the family" at church, it can be hard to not feel like an oddball as a single person. However, you still have a family and are part of a family. There's your parents, your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And then there's your "ward family". Help with Boy Scouts. Do your home teaching. Do temple work for your ancestors. Go on splits with the missionaries. Be involved in ward activities. The ward is your family. The more active and involved you are in others lives, the harder it is to feel angry or depressed. I know it can be difficult with some wards to find ways to stay busy, but be proactive and don't give up.

    You shouldn't put your life on hold just because you are single. Go. Do. Act. Live. Keep yourself busy, and live in a way that you can feel satisified with yourself and your accomplishments, even if marraige might never work it's way into your life. You can keep trying and trying and trying, but there is only so much you can control. Just letting go and living your life to it's fullest without putting so much pressure on yourself to find a partner can be absolutely freeing. Don't stop looking- but don't make it the end-all and be-all of your happiness. Do your part in bettering yourself and getting engaged in the Lord's work, and let the Lord guide your life so that marraige will come in His time if it be His will for your life.

  9. They offered me the job on the spot! Whew. I'm packing up and leaving again this Saturday, so one more long road trip. I'm excited, and nervous, and sad, and happy all at once. This is going to be a big, sudden transition, but it's a better job than my current one and in a better location. Thanks everyone for all the good luck wishes and prayers. Everything's just been falling into place very smoothly with this, so it must be where the Lord wants me to be.

  10. The barking habits vary between individual dogs- you can't really trust the breed description to know whether or not the dog is going to be a barker. For less shedding, getting a short-haired breed will have less shedding than a golden, but they still get fur everywhere. For a non-shedding breed, you want to look for one classified as "hypoallergenic". The only one that comes to the top of my mind that is medium-sized is the poodle. Another hypoallergenic dog, though this one is a small breed, is the havanese.

    My parents have a black-mouth cur which is a medium-sized short-haired hunting/herding breed. She is an excellent dog. Good with kids, good with the cat, good with other dogs. She prefers to play a little rough so she's better with the older kids. Only barks when she wants to come inside or while she's playing. Her bad side is her tendancy to become destructive when left home alone, but that was easily solved by kennel training her.

  11. [

    I was merely stating that an occaisional drink does not, in and of itself, make you unfit.

    Certainly, if alcoholism is at play it would look bad to anyone, not just a judge. Not saying that the jugde must 'hard bitten' or 'teetotaling' to look negatively on it. And I don't agree with joining a church for any other reason than that it is what you truly believe.

    Sorry. You lost me on this one.

    Dravin was contemplating beefche's thought process behind her comment and said he would ask her when she got home because they're married. ;)

  12. 1. Strangulation means stopping blood flow. People being "choked out" correctly can always breathe, but they just pass out from lack of blood to the brain.

    2. It's the lack of blood to the brain that makes people's muscles relax, leading to bladder voiding...or worse...

    3. My judo instructor used the blade of his forearm to do the so-called "rear naked" choke. You had better believe it cut off your trachea and breathing. More than a little bit painful.

    Ah, sorry. I was mixing up my definitions between "strangulation" and "suffocation". And I don't know if its the particular hold or the instructor, but my sensei demonstrated anything cutting off the trachea as the "wrong way" before he taught us any chokes. So, it's possible he just didn't approve of the ones that do cut off the trachea, or that other instructors aren't as careful about how they teach the holds.

    And I hope deborashaw is doing alright, too. I'm hoping the difficulties she's having aren't as bad as her post implied... It'd be nice to hear from her and get some clarification. If/when she checks this again, I just want her to know we're thinking about her and concerned about her.

  13. I am with SquidMom on this one. Your words "abusive" "escalating" and "jail" really stood out to me. I don't want to make any assumptions with the little information you've provided, but it sounds like you need to worry about your safety more than your bishop right now. Bishops do not receive training regarding abuse. If your husband is physically harming you, you need to call professionals. There is a national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.

  14. Thank you for explaining how things work in the Catholic church. But. What does that have to do with the way things work in the LDS church? Brother Ray

    I believe BadWolf's post was perfectly applicable in giving us insight into the background of the person loaned the recommend. Uninformed of the differences between Catholic "passes" and LDS recommends, she would have seen nothing abnormal about it at all and would have had no idea she was doing something wrong. The responsibility lies solely on the head of the person who did the loaning.

  15. This life is our proving ground, where we are to make the choices that will shape our final judgement. We are all children of our Heavenly Father and therefore have a portion of Divinity in our spirits.

    "For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

    But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

    And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.

    Wherefore, I beseech of you, brethren, that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ." (Moroni 7:16-19)

    Notice that this scripture does not tell us to judge people, but to judge things. Certainly, for purposes like maintaining our safety, we may term a person who lays hold upon evil things "bad" and avoid them, but we must also recognize that our state of being in this life is not final. Bad people can change, because they are not all bad. No matter how much they have succumbed to the promptings of the devil, they still have within themselves the light of Christ and their souls still hold a Divine nature capable of good.

    Alongside this Divine nature, we also all have the weaknesses of our flesh known as the Natural Man.

    "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

    This natural man, the desires of the flesh, leads us to seek self-gratification. When we indulge these desires we are granted temporary pleasure, which fools us into believing evil is good but leaves us empty inside, needing more and more in order to regain that same sense of pleasure. The more we listen to the natural man, the more dulled our senses become to the spirit, and the more likely our choices will lead us toward selfishness and eventually, evil.

    "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (2 Nephi 2:27)

    We all must play this balancing act between the Spirit of Christ and the Natural Man- striving for self-control and the ability to cast off the natural man entirely so that we may choose "liberty and eternal life" as we "lay hold upon every good thing". I would hesitate in calling anyone evil, because such holds a note of finality and it simply is not our place to make that judgment call. None of us know enough about another individual to determine something so final. Only the Lord can make that call:

    "For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

    This is why: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10)

    I would even hesitate in calling another person bad, but not quite as much as I hesitate in using the term evil. This distinction can be a necessity when we need to protect ourselves, and it is more flexible than "evil". A bad person can still become good, just as a good person can become bad. Mostly though, I stand by my previous statement- that the majority of people who make bad choices are simply misled. They were fooled by the Natural Man and likely believe their decisions are good. Does that make them bad? I don't think so. Their minds and hearts have become dull to the promptings of the spirit, and it has become difficult for them to identify the difference between right and wrong. And if they were born in ignorance and never had the opportunity to learn the gospel, the atonement will cover their sins so long as they live the best they knew how.

    "For the atonement satisfieth the demands of his justice upon all those who have not the law given to them, that they are delivered from that awful monster, death and hell, and the devil, and the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment; and they are restored to that God who gave them breath, which is the Holy One of Israel." (2 Nephi 9:26)

  16. There is a major difference between a relationship where one person is always giving and where both are giving equally. I highly doubt Vort is meaning to say that one individual should always give without ever getting anything from their spouse in return. There is absolutely nothing wrong with serving out of a sense of duty, so long as the give and take of the relationship remains equal and is not overbearing on either side.

    Don't we treat our church/gospel related actions in much the same way? Certainly it is better to serve out of love, to pray and pay our tithing and anything else the Lord asks us to do because we want to. But sometimes, we really just don't want to. Whether it's the pull of the natural man or whether we're just worn out and tired from everything we're asked to bear, there are times for each of us where we just don't want to do what God has asked of us. Does that mean we shouldn't? No. This is where duty comes in. If you've made a covenant with the Lord, you have a duty to keep it, even when you don't want to. Even when you don't feel the love. Even when it is hard.

    I think that marriage is where we learn the most about ourselves and our position with our Savior, because this is where we get to experience both the best and the worst. This is where we must find it in ourselves to exercise the ultimate selflessness and give our all to another- and hopefully our spouse does the same in return. This covers every aspect of marriage, and as long as nobody is taking advantage of the other's selfless giving and is in turn doing what they can to selflessly give, I think we can serve out of both love and duty. And doing so will make the marriage stronger, just as continuing to hold ourselves to our covenants with God when times are hard and we don't want to makes us stronger.

  17. My first and only ticket so far was while I was on my learners permit. I turned the wrong way onto a one way and swerved into the median to avoid an oncoming vehicle, totaling my parent's minivan. After that, my parents decided to pay for drivers ed instead of teaching me through the parent course. :P I haven't had any accidents or tickets since.

  18. The problem with us deciding whether or not a person is good or bad is we are often quick to make judgment calls based on our personal perceptions, and those perceptions are always limited and incomplete in some way or another. This is why the Lord said: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10)

    I think that there are good people and bad people, but most of the bad we see comes from misled people. The number of truly bad people in the world is, I think, very very small. Most people who do bad things do so thinking that they are making a good decision or that their good intentions will make things right. Therefore, they are misled, and this is why the opportunity to repent, change, and redirect themselves remains open. A truly bad person intentionally does evil and will have absolutely no desire to repent. I'm sure there are people out there like this, but I have yet to meet any. Mostly, I've met quite a large amount of misled people.