mililani

In a Bishop's blessing last week for my 10 year old son he emotionally stated, "God has shed tears for you and your siblings." I cry everytime I think about this

First of all, thank all of you who have offered support and advice for my situation. I have found strength in your words and carried out your advice. I have been able to stand my ground through the abuse itself this time (First time in 13 years!) thanks to you! And thanks to my Heavenly Father who led me to this forum while I was desperately searching LDS web sites for instruction. This next part of the cycle of abuse is upon me and this is probably where I need the most reinforcement. Now that the fireworks are over, my husband is apologetic, sweet, is actually acknowledging his wrongdoing. (Although in our situation, in a few months he'll tell me I exagerate and this explosion was nothing as I remember or, it didn't happen like that or, if I didn't do whatever I did he never would have been mad or said the things he did, etc. So I feel that right now is crucial for me to do something different to break this cycle. I know, I know, all of you are saying ...yes, do something......leave. Yes, I want to, I will, but I also know timing will be everything. And if a divorce is inevitable I need time to gather proof etc. so it does not come down to he said, she said. This is for my four children! This is where I need you! He called us home from my parents house last night. He told me that this past 5 days we were gone he realized that now he does not want a divorce he loves us very much. He will do anything to make it work. He spoke to the kids and asked them if they wanted to come home to be with him. He told each of them he loved and missed them. (He thinks counseling is useless and he doesn't think people who work for LDS Social Services know their stuff and they will just advise him to go to church, pray, read scriptures, etc.) But we have an enormous house with an enormous payment and the Bishop will not help us financially to see somebody outside Social Services. Our insurance dosen't cover counseling services. He has been very affectionate with me. He keeps hugging me from behind and kissing the top of my head. Rubbing my shoulders. Hugging me and trying to passionately kiss me but I've stuck to pecks. I did not sleep in the same room as him last night. This is different for me because I've usually been anxious to get the tension out of my home and been quick to forgive. I'm not being cold or rude, just distant, or maybe depressed. He offered for the first time in marriage to go grocery shopping with me as there was nothing in the house. He got $100.00cash back and gave it to me for gas and groceries as he will be out of town next week. This is the first time he's given me cash and especially this amount of money! He's left two msgs. for me today telling me he's glad I'm back and he loves me. Sorry my posts are so long - But what I need help with is; I have to find out how deep into pornography he is. I have to find a way to see our bank account and find out how much money is there and if I can gain any access. (He has canceled his debit card and recieved new with new pin #'s five times in two months because he's paranoid I've figured it out-I've never even tried....) I have to gather proof of stuff although I'm not sure what proof I need of what. I need to push him into getting help while he's feeling remorseful. The hardest part of this is that I cling to the hope that one day he will return to be the man I married and not this strange monster I tolerate but fear. The pornography is an 10+ year battle. His anger, rage, and abuse has escalated each year. My fear of him and his potential has also increased as his threats are also intensifying. I'm terrified for the next time, as I don't believe I'll live through it.

To Loudmouth_Morman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From what I can tell, as much as he needs to do a complete 180 in the direction he's going, you also need to become someone strong enough to not be in such a situation. I'm only guessing here, but I'm thinking it would be a huge struggle for you to be in anything other than such an abusive situation. In other words, my gut reaction is that you'll have to work hard to avoid either repeatedly going back to him with nothing ever changing, or ending up with your next abusive future ex-husband. LM This quote from your post really offends me! I have made the choice to stay in this marriage as we are counseled to "Turn the other cheek, be Christlike/Forgive, Never get divorced, etc." I have tried for 13 years to be the best person I could in my situation. I have been here to give my husband every opportunity. And I thought I was doing the best for my children in trying everything to make things work. Then came the time two weeks ago when I found and posted my situation on this forum. I realized that enough is enough. I feel as though you are insinuating I am a stupid beaten down lady. I'm actually very smart and successful. After my marriage dissolves I don't believe I will ever remarry.

I just got my first msg. from my husband since I left on Saturday. He said he loves me, misses me, and is sorry for what he puts me through.........and the cycle begins again.........Although this time I feel empowered as I have felt so much support from this forum and recieved invaluable advice I have found strength to follow. I carried your words in my head as I stood up to him during his rampage (even though I was scared to death I was prevoking him to the next level.) It's weird that when he gets like that his face almost physically changes. His eyes seem dark, empty, and full of rage. I miss the husband he used to be 10 years ago (pre-porn) I wonder if the divorce I intend on carrying out will make his problem worse. My only regret would be seeing him humbled to his old self but knowing it's too late. Too much damage and lack of trust. Divorce is also terrifying to me. I never dreamed I would be a single mom and carry all of the stipulations that will come with it.

I really prayed and thought long and hard how to "present" all of my new found advice and proof of abuse gently to my husband not wanting to set him off. Well after two days of preparation I presented my case. I was careful not to say "you" but always, "I feel....". I suggested that "We need help, that we need counseling, etc." Well- it didn't turn out as I planned. The look in his eyes changed from my husband to the man with dark, cold, empty eyes. His anger festered resulting in him stating that if anybody needs counseling it's me because I'm the one taking pills. (I've been on a low dose anti-depressant since the death of my daughter) I commented back with, "actually I was the one that takes my pill religiously and therefore I am the one that's stable." From there all hell broke loose. I was called an f#@!%'n b*&% over and over. He screamed yelled and accused me for the rest of the evening. The next day I felt strong enough to move all of his clothes into our guest room and told him he can stay there until he can control himself because I will no longer be talked to this way. This started WW3! He yelled more obscenities and and threatened me that he is not paying our mortgage payment again (which is under my name, too) and we can let the bank take it and "that's it, we're getting divorced!" He then proceeded to call my ten year old to him and tell him that he will be the man of the house. That he needs to be strong. That we are divorcing and he can eventually choose who he wants to live with. My ten year old came into my room with tears rolling down his face and could barely breathe. I grabbed my son and ran to the church just before a previously scheduled appt. The Bishop listened and gave advice and ended with much needed blessings. In my son's blessing he said, "Heavenly Father has heard my son's prayers and has shed tears for him and his siblings. He is aware of our situation and wants my son to know that his Father is leading his family in the opposite direction of how Heavenly Father would want him to." I was blessed with many things I needed to but most importantly he validated that my husband was indeed intentionally practicing unrighteous marital dominion. That he will soften his heart to the point that he will be able to listen to what I have to say but it will be up to him as to whether he will come to a full repentance on his own and will seek and follow medical help. If he does not do these things Heavenly Father will bless me to care for my children with a roof over heads and with every needful blessing. But also remind me that material things are of no importance. The Bishop then in turn followed me home and took my Husband out for almost two hours. The following day I asked my husband to help me personally be clean of any wrongdoing and allow me to correct or repent of anything I've done wrong in our marriage. I asked him to leave me a list of 10 things I've done that have caused all of his mistrust towards me. In the morning he left me a note of 10 Things he loves about me!?! Later that day and that night you could still cut the air it was so thick with anger and animosity from him. The kids and I slept for two nights in my bedroom with the door locked, I slept little with one eye open. I finally packed us up and left for my sisters house in Idaho Falls, Idaho with only enough gas to get us there. My husband never made an attempt to reach me on my cell. It's been four nights and tonight we're in Salt Lake staying the night at my parents delaying the enivitable confrontation at home. Apparently my Dad called and offered to take him to lunch today and talk, he made up an excuse my husband asked my Dad where I was and when I would be home. I live 35min. from my parents and my kids need to get back to school. I'm debating the consequences between ultimatums. Kick him out for at least 3 months and if he does not get help I have no choice. Or, let him stay but give him a time line to complete anger management, sexual addiction (porn), and counseling for us all. I guess ultimately the power remains in his hands as to whether our marriage survives. Do I have to be willing to allow him that power? I suppose for my children's sake I do have to give him every opportunity. I hate that, I hate that once again I am sucking it up while waiting for him to repent......or not! Thank you again for giving me the conformation of his abuse and the courage to finally after 13 years stick up for myself! Any more advice on alternate ultimatums or a better idea for a better outcome would be appreciated as I am very scared to go home. Thank You!