LadyGirl

I just thought I'd add another thing into the mix I hadn't mentioned earlier. My husband has told me his feelings regarding this, so I felt it necessary to bring it up. When my husband and I were first married, I was always the happy wife who treated my husband like a king. 6 months into our marriage, we joyfully began trying for a family. However, months rolled by with no luck whatsoever. Our first year mark hit, followed by the 2nd year mark. I've had several tests, procedures, and lots of money has been spent on treatments and appointments. My husband, this evening, told me he saw me slowly falling downhill as time of infertility rolled by. He admitted I seemed so angry and just didn't know how to find comfort and advice; and feels like my pain has been taken out on him. When I realized this, it surprised me greatly to know that he is right. Now our 3rd year mark of infertility will be coming up this June. I just today found out my sister-in-law is pregnant with her 3rd child (she's very very fertile). I wanted to cry and be upset, but I refrained from doing so, because it's just not fair to do that to my husband...and I have no right to be upset at my sister-in-law. I should be more happy for her. He admitted I became an angry wife who always took things out on him because I didn't know how else to deal with this pain. He is right. My friends are all fertile; my sister, who sleeps with every man available, has a child, yet seems to not care and act like it's such a burden. But he's right. This is when the angry and nagging wife role popped into place. I hadn't realized it before until he mentioned it today when I had asked him. All I could do at this point was apologize to him, and express my love and appreciation for him. Anyway, I thought I'd add that in. Might help to have a little more background information.

Thank you for your input and advice! This weekend we were able to go to the temple and it was just wonderful. I took the advice of all and looked at the good qualities in my husband. Some sort of light turned on, and I felt such a love and peace toward him, realizing how blessed I am. I will definitely look into that book. Thanks! Sorry for the delayed response; quite a busy weekend! I began writing when I was maybe 8 years old. My parents gave me an old piece of junk computer in DOS, and I was able to access the writing pages. I would type out stories for hours, even if they made no sense or had no ending. Eventually, at that young age, I learned how to type because not knowing was quite frustrating. I don't have the patience to become a writer or write a novel myself, but I just love writing. I'm not exactly perfect at it, but it's a nice escape for me. This is why I also love to read; stories are a good way to get away from the stresses of the world.

I appreciate your help. I do wonderfully with communicating with animals and have a deep love for them I have a love of the outdoors and nature I do my best to be kind to others I appreciate those who go out of their way to help others I love making people laugh I love music and am musically inclined I treat my parents respectfully I do my best to be a good example to my younger siblings I'm compassionate and affectionate I enjoy being up early to see the sunrise/being outdoors I do my best to be selfless and help others who need it I'm quick to respond to a friend in need I'm a good listener I'm a wonderful writer Are those okay?

Thank you for your advice. Things to definitely think about. While this definitely stung me when first reading it, it gave me a lot to think about, and to sleep on. I do praise my husband for what he does for our family, but you're right; at the same time, I judge him harshly when he makes a mistake or isn't perfect. I had never noticed this behavior before. All I focused on was how much he hurt me, and how he didn't "measure up" to what I wanted him to be. Now seeing it as you posted, I'm quite disappointed in myself. I'm not exactly perfect either; and the idea of somebody pointing flaws out in my face is a thought I can' t stand (thus the reason I got upset when first reading your post). I've been doing this to my husband...I just haven't noticed it before. This could very much explain why he's recently been biting back. He IS a good man, he's a wonderful man who treats me well. Sure, he'll lose his temper and say stupid things, but haven't we all? I did what you asked a wrote a list of all his good qualities. It left me crying because I was blind to recognizing his good and more focused on his imperfections. I'm way too hard on him. As for something else I may be hiding, I just don't know where it stems from. About 5 years ago or more, I was engaged to be married to a man who had joined the church when we had first been dating. I had loved him and thought everything was fine, until one day he was gone; about a month before the wedding. Not only that, he stole thousands of dollars from myself and my family, and fled the country. I soon discovered, after he was gone, he had a criminal history, and I wasn't the first of his "victims". He had done this before; even left a woman who had a child of his. This was clearly devastating to me. I've been so certain I've gotten over that since it was so long ago. I'm not holding onto any feelings for the guy, but it's possible part of that fear of my husband becoming a bad man may still be resting with me; I just never realized it. It could have also created me to judge him the way I do, for every mistake he makes. This gave me so much to think about. Thank you very much for being direct with me. It's what I needed to see. Thank you, this is great advice. I do often push him to be "perfect", and this hurts us both. Thank you, you're right. Things could be so much worse. I know we will improve with hard work and endurance. I shouldn't run when things go wrong.

Thank you for this. I am often too hard on myself, and too often make jokes about myself as well; people tend to feed off of that. You are absolutely right. This is an excellent point. I never really saw things this way, either. So really, thanks. I definitely need to improve in that area.

This is excellent, and your point makes complete sense. It gives me something to definitely think about. Thank you for sharing this with me. This is wonderful- thank you for sharing. I've always had a hard time dealing with a situation while in-the-moment without getting upset or emotional. This is a great way to communicate without adding fuel. Again, thanks. I did come to him yesterday evening, and we were able to calmly talk it out, and really listen to one another. Once we were able to see the sides of each, we set goals for ourselves and exchanged promises that we would strive to work as a team. I was able to use the advice of all of you to help build up a way to communicate to my husband. So, thank you, all of you, for your words of advice and wisdom. I know communication is something we definitely need to improve, even if it may involve counseling. We are constantly misunderstanding each other, and out of frustration, say things we don't mean and without thinking. We ended our discussion with a prayer, and weights were lifted; it brought us closer together. I'm not expecting perfection in the future, but we're learning new ways to listen and adjust to one another. So again, thanks.

First of all, thank you so much for your replies. I had a good cry and a lot of time to think about things. Thank you for this advice. I probably would like to see someone for myself. As for your question, I did a lot of thinking as well as the posts of others. The Gospel is extremely important to me, but I would stick it out if he chose not to believe. It's the other parts of him, like his childish behavior, that make me worried. This is great advice, and thank you for sharing. I will continue to do what I know I'm supposed to do, and hopefully leave an example to him. This made me cry. Thank you so much for sharing. It has a great point included: how I could be the one to help him strengthen his testimony. Thanks for sharing your advice; and this does make sense as well. Pressuring him only makes it worse. Thank you, I will follow this. Thank you so much. I do believe he plays the emotional manipulation game; but I'm not perfect and have done that myself. I'll consider that book-thanks for sharing. Thank you for your advice. You're right, and thank you for sharing your words. I have spoken to him, and his main excuse is just being too tired. He works all week, and he just wants to kick back before he starts again on Monday. He says adding church to the list seems like too much at times. Here's the update: He came to me later and apologized for his actions, saying he should have handled the situation better. He admitted he has been slacking in the church, and promised he'll step it up. Here's the thing...my husband is very intelligent, has a lot of knowledge of the Gospel, yet his struggling point is attending church and keeping up with everything. He'll still go almost every week, and attend his meetings, yet it's been difficult giving him that extra push. He then promised an upcoming temple session this weekend, so we could seek guidance and strength. I appreciated this. We still say our prayers daily, he's always been on top of prayers...I don't have to nudge him for this. It was mostly church attendance, temple attendance, and scripture reading. I just hated and got tired of listening to excuses about going to church. He told me he'd stop and step it up, and how he still and has always believed in God and the church. He's just exhausted at times and will make excuses to relax at home. We had a long discussion on this which I dearly appreciated, and thanked the Lord later for. I guess my main issue is his behavior. When we were first married, my husband told me my independence was something he fell in love with. I was always doing things myself and taking care of things. Throughout the years, I fell into a trap of depending on him to fix every problem. Something wasn't working, he fixed it. I had an issue with somebody or a company, he took care of it. When we moved out of my hometown to a new city where he got his new job, I began being a stay-at-home wife, since I worked 2 jobs to put him through school. However, I have been looking for work, and I'm also a student, trying to finish myself. I'm just confused. Several months ago, I had an issue with Microsoft Zune. They purchased points when I had never confirmed it. My husband, at the time, said he'd file a complaint about it. I had forgotten about it until he mentioned yesterday he was filing that complaint. He came home from work and immediately began filing everything. So, that was that. However, early this morning, he woke me up and asked me the details again. Since I had just woken up, and it was several months ago, I didn't remember all the details. Frustrated, he began chewing me out about how now he's going to look stupid because my story "keeps changing", and how I'm a liar. I told him I was not lying, I just couldn't remember everything. He ignored what I said and repeatedly called me a liar, saying he could no longer trust me. He told me I stole the money instead of the company because I was lying, and how I shouldn't go shopping anymore because I'll just lie about what I'll spend. He was going WAY overboard with the situation. He was talking down to me like I'm a teenager who just got caught with weed; instead of talking to me like I'm his wife. This got me crying because I was just too tired to listen, and he stormed out. Moments later, he apologized via text message, saying he could have handled it way better. I understand this was my problem with the Zune; and he didn't have to do a thing about it. I let him take care of it, and when I didn't remember the details, he felt like a fool thinking he could have put wrong information in. I understand his frustration, but I don't understand why he threw such a tantrum. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to believe my dependency on him is turning him into this. He has a choice how to handle his words; and he doesn't do a very good job. Bah, I just don't know.

Hey, everyone. I really would appreciate advice. Every now and then, I have thoughts of up and leaving my husband. I've even mentioned it a couple of times, but he finds ways to make it seem like everything's okay. Here's the thing. Since marrying him 3 years ago, I've become LESS active in the church. I feel like every Sunday morning, it's a chore to get him to go to church. He's always full of excuses. Today, he told me going to Priesthood and Sunday School are not important, only Sacrament is important. However, every Sunday he drags slowly along, then goes, "Looks like we might miss Sacrament." There have been times I've just up and gone myself. He'd eventually join, but he'd pout. He never suggests going to the temple. He has in the past, but of course, excuses come up when it's time. He's never mentioned reading the scriptures together. In fact, I have to be the one to bring up these subjects because he won't. I make the temple appointments. And I kid you not, we almost always get in a fight before attending the temple because he pouts like a child when his excuses don't make me change my mind. I end up praying and crying for comfort so that I can receive the spirit while in the temple; which I do, and our day always gets way better after we've been through a session. I want him, and I've told him several times, to step it up as a priesthood holder. He works Monday-Friday 7:30am to 4:00pm. He says he just wants Sundays as his days off like his Saturdays. So when he misses church, he plays video games. About a month ago, I asked him what I needed to do as a wife to help him WANT to go to church more. He told me to not be so pushy, but become sweet and loving. I tried that. Today, I was being very sweet with him, asking him if I could help him with anything, and what I could do for him. Of course, his answer was "nothing, I just don't want to go." Finally I just left because I didn't feel like babying him anymore. I feel like I've tried everything with this guy. He was born and raised in the church, he's never abused me, he's never called me names, he's never raised his voice at me either. His parents are very active, and he's a good guy; I'm just getting extremely sick of his excuses when it comes to living up his priesthood. I've gone down the sweet nice wife route, and I regret I've been down the not-so-nice route. One more thing, I apologize for this being long. He has a tendency to "punish" me. Like today. He came to church and attended his meetings, but afterwards, told me he was going to work the rest of the day. This is the one weekend out of the entire year his work MAY need him; he's a programmer, and the system he works for is being updated, so they have to move everything from the old to the new. This is every February. However, they don't need him unless they page him, which they didn't, yet he made it clear he was going to go anyway. He waited until I got home from church (we drove separately), before leaving, so I could watch him leave. Last night I was looking forward to playing a specific video game with him, but he, out of nowhere, began accusing me of pushing the "back" button on the controller, when I didn't, and out of anger, he turned off the game and said he didn't want to play with me. So, he went online and played with friends instead, leaving me sitting there by myself, clearly confused. I just can't take this. I'm married to a 4 year old. He pouts, throws tantrums, and finds ways to punish me when he doesn't get his way. He knows how important the Gospel is to me, so sometimes he'll use it against me just to punish me. If he's mad or frustrated at me in any way, he'll purposely cancel a temple session or completely REFUSE to attend church; because he knows it would hurt me. And it does. Seriously, we need help before I walk out. I've mentioned counseling, but it's a joke when I bring it up to him. What am I doing wrong?? I do everything for this man. I love him. I cook the meals, keep the place clean, give him a back rub every time he comes home from work; I let him spend his Saturdays and evenings playing video games. I hardly demand his attention. I let him come home and do whatever he wants. I try and make things fun for him. But the one time I ask anything out of him, I just can't have. And that's him stepping up his Priesthood. I'm exhausted. My worst fear is someday when we have children; our sons will see his behavior and excuses, and mimic it. Or they'll see him pouting if he doesn't get his way, and they'll copy. Sigh. I'm almost done.