justme39

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  1. I think that I might have something to add to this, seeing as how I'm the "B" in her not so hypothetical example. I am not a perfect saint. I do not have a perfect testimony. I even struggle with faith. I am judgmental and week. Sometimes I even screw up the small stuff. I don't love going to church...it is hard for me because I feel like I don't fit in. I based way too much of my testimony on the testimony of my wife. I find it hard to forgive others. I fear that if the church is true, that I have already been weighed and measured and been found wanting. I do, however try to have faith. I try to be a good man. I am honest to the point that it is detrimental to me professionally. I won't lie to fit in. I won't pretend to be something that I am not. I have been absolutely loyal to my wife and family for 22 years. I love my family above all else. I do my best. I want to be better. I admire the "example A" people, including my wife for their diligence. One of the posts here talked about finding a middle ground. I think that that idea is rubbish. I don't think either of us should have to change our point of view just to make the other drive the bus. I think we need to love each other and accept that we are not exactly alike in perspective or in action. I don't think that all righteousness looks exactly the same. I think that we all need to rely on the atonement after being as good as we can. I believe that I have as much right as any other person to have a personal relationship with God based on who I believe him to be based on my own understanding and the capacity that he bestowed upon me. I am a father to my children and I know how I feel about them. I believe that this is as close to knowing how The Lord feels about us as I can get in my carnal and fallen state. I know he loves us and wants us to succeed, as I do my own kids. I have NEVER told my wife that she is wrong for seeing things from her perspective, but I am living a life of being made to feel that I am wrong for having my own unique perspective. I feel badly that she looks at me and sees someone who is going to hell and that my hard work and honest efforts mean very little to her unless I can voice a testimony that sounds like others that of "good Mormons". It breaks my heart that rather than discussing things with me, she goes to forums like this and to a message board of people who agree with her to get affirmation of the fact that she is obviously righteous and that I am somehow evil and misled. I hope that the gospel is true. I am trying to have faith but it is difficult. I am sorry to my spouse for letting her down. I wish that I could be what she wants, I honestly do,but the Lord made me who I am. I have my unique skills and challenges just like everyone else. I am far from perfect, but my desire to be better and to know God is real and I am trying, so for now I believe that God wants me to do my best.
  2. I don't mean to hi-jack the thread, but I want to say this: I did him and his wife one of the greatest favors that I can imagine. I did it prayerfully and I consulted priesthood leaders (my own and a good high-councilman friend). I cannot say that there was absolutely no desire on my part to lash out...I am far from perfect. I set him on the road to repentance. I did all that I could do to ensure that he would repent and thereby be less tempted to come after my wife. She deserved to know, and I would have preferred that her husband would have done it, but he was a liar and a coward. I honestly felt, and still feel, like I had a responsibility to this sister. I have made plenty of mistakes, but I did this to make sure that I was doing all that I could do for my marriage and for another innocent party. I was gentle and respectful and didn't share ANY of the details I knew. I prayed earnestly about the decision and for her and her children. The way that I posted that I "took care of that too" does sound vindictive, but please ask yourself this: Is the other betrayed spouse better for knowing and for having her husband brought back to her through the repentance process? They are still together. He has gone before a council. She has a chance, and so does he. What they do with it is up to them.
  3. justme39

    Cheating

    I have to admit that it seems odd to me that your Bishop did not require you to tell. Having said that, did you not receive probation? And if so, and assuming that you are active members, how do you explain to your husband why you can't take the sacrament? I don't know your situation, and don't want to be judgmental. My wife told me proactively about her affair, but I think our Bish would have required her to tell me. I also went to the other man's Bish...I got the feeling that he was not going to require this of his member. All situations are different. I am just curious if not telling him kind of means some misleading. I would have known about the affair when she got "fired: from her calling and didn't take the sacrament for 6 months.
  4. My wife was in your situation just a year ago. She had the integrity to come to me and tell me the truth, even before she saw the Bishop. It hurt like nothing that I have ever been through...it still hurts. The ONLY thing that put us in a position to stay together was that she came clean. It was fair to me, it showed me that she wanted to make it right, and it cleared the way for her repentance. So, yes, UNBELIEVABLE. And it was also unbelievable that the "other man" didn't feel like it was necessary to tell HIS spouse. I took care of that too. The truth is worth something. I sincerely hope that the Lord will continue to look after your family. He will do right by them even if you decide not to.
  5. If you cheat on a spouse and they have to find out on the other side of the veil, you are a coward. That might be a bit plain for some folks, but there is no justice in living the lie and taking it to the grave. I feel really badly for your spouse and kids. I suspect that this won't make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but it is the truth as far as I am concerned. Be a man, take your medicine, and work to make it right. It is unbelievable that this is even a discussion. You should know better. Listen to someone besides the Adversary for a while...that might help.
  6. You say that you are a good man, and that might be so. The fact is that you did something very damaging to your spouse. Now, go be a good man and make it right. Everyone is "good" when there are no temptations around. If you want to keep calling yourself a good man, you need to step up and take responsibility for your actions. In my opinion, your wife deserves to be able to weigh her options...you didn't uphold your end of the covenant. Tell her and SUPPORT HER. Where she will be is an awful place to be...I've been there. A good man would come clean and then do all he could to help the spouse who's life he has unalterably changed.
  7. No doubt, and I mean NO doubt that my wife would not have cheated if she hadn't been on facebook. People make mistakes and do things that are wrong, that is human nature. Facebook (and things like it) put people in situations where things seen innocent...reconnecting with old friends is so good, right. Wrong. Unfortunately, even the best among us are deceived when they put themselves in the wrong places too many times. That fact is compounded when men (or women) realize that facebook makes an excellent place to catch people off guard. Facebook may not be the root cause, but it is definitely a tool that Satan is employing.
  8. Having just gone through this as the man who's wife was unfaithful, my advice would be as follows: If you have already decided to a great degree that your relationship won't work, ask your husband for a divorce and leave. Thank goodness that there are no children involved. If he has a drug addiction and you are scared, be very careful. Once you have gotten somewhere safe, start the repentance process...don't bury it. If you want to work it out, go to the Bishop and to your husband and be totally honest. My wife fully expected that I would explode and be awful (maybe even violent) as I have quite a temper. I handled it much better that either she or I would have guessed. One of my greatest fears has been that my wife is sticking by me eventhough she would rather be out of the relationship. It is easier for her not to let everyone know what happened, easier financially, easier on our kids. Don't stay with a husband, especially if he had drug issues unless you love him so much that you can't live without him. You have a lot of life ahead of you at 25. Know that the Lord loves you even through your worst times, and he wants you to be happy. Happiness is not found in a loveless relationship or one where you are living apart. I had a friend who moved to go to school and left his wife home. Their relationship fell apart. I suspect that your relationship is probably not too hot if you can agree to live apart in the first place. God bless you. Pray fervently, you will know what to do. Rely most on those feelings, and use the things you read here to a lesser degree. God will never lead you astray.