SomeWife

Members
  • Posts

    8
  • Joined

  • Last visited

SomeWife's Achievements

  1. Thank you again, everyone! I did the Edible Arrangements the next day after reading the advice, and he loved it. He called me up happily, and thanked me for the chocolate covered apples and strawberries. He even had happy co-workers whom he gladly shared with. He keeps his "I love you" balloon on his desk at work for everyone to see :) It's definitely been a challenge going from nagging and confrontational wife, to the "okay, dear" wife, but I've noticed a transformation. It's hard to walk out of the room when I feel like strangling him, but I've been working very hard on it. Often I leave the room holding my breath, then immediately pray, listing all the things I'm grateful for. This always leaves me feeling much more relieved than pounding into him with words. I've even noticed a transformation in him. He's been showing more love and gratitude toward me as well. See, my husband was an extreme Mama's Boy growing up, and had good reasons for it. His mother had a hard life. Her first husband beat her, and ended up leaving her while she was 5 months pregnant with her 5th child. She then married my husband's father, and had 3 children with him, the 2nd one dying at birth. My husband is the baby...by far. The next living oldest is about 10 years older than him. Of course, there's the one next in line above him who died at birth (another reason why's he's so precious to his mother...he mended her heart when he arrived). He was a surprise pregnancy. She was in her late 30's/early 40's when he arrived. Luckily his mother is smart enough to know where the line is drawn when it comes to interfering with our marriage. In fact, it's drawn TOO well, and often times we're the ones who call her to see how she's doing. His father was terminally ill for many years, and recently died when a new tumor was found in his throat. Anyway, what I learned so far, was when we married, I immediately went into the role of mother instead of wife. He didn't get off that easily, of course. His Mama's Boy attitude didn't help. But I solved all his problems, did everything for him, picked up after him, and eventually became a nagging person. I scolded him more than showed love to him. This pushed him away dramatically. Although I can see an annoyance when I have him solve his own problems now, I can also see a major difference. Not only am I allowing him room to grow, but I've noticed he's wants me and needs me more than before. It throws him for a loop when I say, "Okay dear, I understand" instead of arguing and snapping, but we're not fighting. I'm giving him more space, I'm not throwing down, and he's growing up (we both are). He's solving his own problems without me jumping in, and although it's very hard, it's worth it. I'm still not perfect and probably never will be, but I know in time it will become easier. We're still working on it.
  2. Thank you for your advice! I'll look up the prices. My husband likes stuff like that, too :) Also, I will definitely check out those books. You are great!
  3. First of all, thank you everyone for your love, support, and advice. I apologize for the delay in updating. Although my husband was not interested in seeing the bishop himself, he suddenly gave in (without me asking or bugging). We learned so many things about ourselves and each other, it was amazing! I realized I was being verbally and emotional abusive with the constant nagging, throwing down, and temper tantrums I was giving. He realized his words can often be hurting to me without even realizing it. His response to "kicking me out" was due to an exhaustion of constantly listening to me arguing with him. Although I had the choice to leave, he did apologize for asking such a thing. We were able to take full responsibility for our own actions without blaming one another. Two nights ago, I had gone to bed early. My husband was out on the couch, and was overcome to pray. He knelt down in prayer, and said the spirit was so powerful, telling him to come to me. Although I was pretty much half-asleep at this point, he crawled into bed and held me, expressing his love for me. He also told me he wanted to speak to me the next day. He admitted he felt very connected to me at this point, due to the spirit. After much prayer, we had another chat yesterday. We got to know each other better, and connected so well, talking about anything and everything. We promised each other we'd work harder on being better to one another. We have been praying for each other a lot lately, individually and as a couple, and I know it's been making a difference, as well as receiving spiritual and professional advice. I think seeking help was a way to block out Satan who had a tight grasp on our marriage. I had never had such an emotional and spiritual breakdown like I did the other day after seeking advice. Since then, everything has been wonderful. We took a vacation out of town for a few days to the ocean and it was a very romantic and relaxing getaway. We connected on so many levels. We will continue to seek professional and spiritual help, because I know there's still a lot of work to be done. But so far things have been great, and I'm able to see a different side of my man. Again, thank you.
  4. No, absolutely no alcohol. I have called and set up an appointment with the bishop. I will go myself if my husband wishes not to go. He says he feels embarrassed to be speaking to anybody. I too am embarrassed, but I know moving forward is the best thing right now, instead of just hoping for it to get better only to see it crash harder. Last night was the first time I saw him behave in such a way (kicking me out). Normally he just shuts himself up in the room, turns on a video game, or takes a shower with the door locked. He told me I just don't know when to stop my mouth, so he snaps and says cold things just to get me to shut up and stay away from him...to back off. He said this was another instance. This time he told me just to flat out leave the house because he had enough of me. I know I have personal issues to work through myself. I know I need help as well. I know it takes two to fight. He does something to irritate me, I throw down, and eventually he feels cornered and snaps at me. His words get more painful each fight. I'm not saying I'm solely responsible for our fights, nor he, but I do know we both need help. I know it will only get worse with time without help. We DO suck at communication. I currently began a book called, "Strangling your husband is NOT an option", by an LDS author Merrilee Boyack. In the book, she mentions how women will often fall into a "weak and helpless" phase, causing the husband to be more dominant. Sometimes I feel I fit that category...and I need to fix it. I rely on him WAY too much to fix my problems. I'm not excusing what he did last night, by the way. I'm just clearing things up now that I'm in a less of an emotional state (I posted this when he left for work this morning. We exchanged harsh words and I was a mess). Anyway, I will be seeing the bishop in hopes for help before it spirals. Thanks.
  5. Yes, he and I were both born and raised in the church. Thank you, everyone. I just feel so sick and depressed over this. I told my husband I was setting up an appointment for counseling, and I was going to go for myself regardless of his attendance or not. He said he doesn't like the idea of counseling (he thinks it's all a load of crap and won't solve anything), but even so, he said he would make an effort and try it out. All the comments about abuse are making my stomach turn. No matter what denial I throw at myself, I can't help but find the truth in it. It just plain hurts. I normally push those thoughts aside and find the good in him. He's never hit me, never cheated on me, has never looked at porn or had any other addiction, he calls his mom almost daily to tell her how much he loves her, he's very respectful to his family members, works very hard everyday...etc. Yet I don't feel like the woman he took to the temple to get sealed to. I feel more like a servant. I feel more like an animal or a child to him. I don't feel valued, appreciated, or loved. A part of me wants to blame myself and say I pushed him into this with whatever nagging or other habits I have. Eh, I'm driving myself crazy. There's an LDS counselor just around the corner from us. I'll call her.
  6. This keeps repeating in my head. It hurts me to agree with you.
  7. About how much is the cost with counseling? I'm am willing to do anything at this point.
  8. I just need some help, I feel completely sick inside. My husband and I fight a lot. Since being married, we've always argued. Things would get better for awhile, then bad again. Recently every little thing has been setting things off. I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore. Every time we have the slightest argument, he throws out the "D" word. In fact, he loves that word. It crushes me. I always try to find hope that our marriage will succeed. But he always seems to find a way to crush any hope by saying, "No, we're going to be miserable our whole lives. We're not going to work out. Might as well end it now." I HATE this. I understand he must be exhausted with all the fighting. I am too! It makes me physically sick inside. But I try and steer away from the word "divorce" and find ways to improve. I've mentioned getting help, but he refuses to do anything. I may have to get help without him. Last night was a perfect example. We got in another fight over the most ridiculous things. I was sick and nauseated and admittedly a little crabby. We both snapped at each other. Because his obsession with getting a divorce and distance from me, I accused him of having an affair (the first time I ever did such a thing). I admit it was too far. I just couldn't find any other reason why he was pushing me away from him constantly. This time, he told me to pack my bags and leave. I don't have any friends, and any family is too far. Besides, I would rather not involve family in this. It's none of their business. So, I packed up my stuff and headed out. He told me not to get a hotel (I work, but he pretty much brings in the income. My little job is to help get out of some debt we're in), because he didn't want any money spent. I told him all I had was a car to sleep in. He said he was fine with that. At one point I looked up a homeless shelter, and told him I would be staying there. Again, he didn't seem to care. "Anywhere but near me," was his excuse. Yes, my night was terrible. I slept in my car for the most part, but it was not only freezing outside, but I was uncomfortable. I never bothered to contact him nor complain about anything. I dealt with it. Finally one point in the night, he said it was okay for me to come home, but to keep away from him. I eventually, out of being so cold and in pain (and still sick, might I add), I finally arrived home late in the night, when he was already asleep. What disturbs me the most about this, is he didn't care where I went. He didn't care if I were to have slept in a homeless shelter, or on the streets. He knew I had nowhere else to go, but he didn't care. I could have been attacked; anything could have happened to me. He expressed no concern. I felt like a dog being thrown outside for being peeing on the carpet, and then letting me back inside when he felt a little guilt (if that's what it was). I don't know, I just feel sick inside. I can't stand him when he continually talks about divorce. He has no optimism for anything anymore. He's probably just exhausted. But like I said, I am too. I want things to get better. I don't want a divorce. To me it feels like quitting. I'm not ready to quit. There are worse marriages out there. Abuse, affairs, drugs, addiction, etc. Our worst problem is we fight too much. I read an article about divorce in the Liahona, and it gives me hope. But really, what's the point of holding on when he's not willing to do the same? Are we doomed?