Thank you for all your responses. I really do appreciate it.
What would Christ want me to do? I see it as 2 ways. 1) Not do it. Right. Just love myself exactly how I am. And we can get into the whole make-up etc. argument but that has happened way to many times. 2) He really could care less.
Let me tell you the circle that repeats itself.
I decide that I just need to deal with what I don't have and make the best of it, because wanting breasts is worldly and I am trying to find that fine line between being worldly and wanting to look nice. This is what I have tried and considered.
For me, it is important that I look like I have something on top, because yes most women have breasts and I am a woman. This is not all that makes me feel like a women, just a part of it. So abandoning the bra and going completely flat chested, with no curves on top is not an option. And I dare to say there are not many women who would do this.
So... what have I done? I have tried on so many bras I can't count. When you have nothing to pad then I end up with air between the bra and my chest. That doesn't work.
I have bought several specialty bras online for women with small busts. They either don't fit because I have nothing to fit. Or if they actually fit, it looks like I am not wearing a bra because they are so small. And then we go back up to the top where I started. If I get one that fits then I have had problems with them riding up and I end up fidgeting with it all day, which is highly annoying.
So what am I doing now? I bought a size A bra and then I am putting large inserts, like the kind that people that have had mastectomies buy, to fill it out. This is the best option that I have come up with. However, they move around and I am always wondering if they are going to shift to an unnatural position. I worry about them falling out. And during the heat when I get hot and sweaty this set-up is not a good environment for my stretched out skin if you know what I mean.
So I tolerate this for a few months, get frustrated and then start asking myself the same questions over again.
Am I really making too big a deal about this?
If I am o.k. wearing large "fakies" on the outside why is it not o.k. on the inside.?
I am not a stripper, nor do I want anything close to big boobs. I just want to fill out a bra and never have to worry about it again.
And yes, this isn't about pleasing my husband. He honestly doesn't care. It's about me wanting my body back and looking like a woman again.