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Everything posted by coruscate

  1. I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who supported me and provided me with links I needed. I'm happy to report the temptation is permanently gone. I burned all remaining bridges, confessed my struggles to my husband and bishop, and things are going well.
  2. Thank you so much, Judo. Your kind words are greatly appreciated. It's especially heartening to hear that your father and mother saw an improvement through counseling. Perhaps I should. I've been so focused on agency, remembering how hard it was for me to seek help, that I think I may not being as proactive as I should. We no longer communicate. I wish I had a friend or family member in whom I could confide, but I don't. I tried speaking with my husband about it even, but he saw my "serious face" and wouldn't talk to me. Instead, he gave me a hug, told me he would love me no matter what, and changed the subject. Why not? I'm willing to try almost anything. I'll look one up and check it out.
  3. Well...they haven't actually been casual suggestions. Several times, we've had quite the yelling matches over it. It comes down to me being physically unable to force him to go to counseling. And I'm afraid I don't know any therapists willing to make house calls. Yep. Go that
  4. Thers is a counselor near us I have been considering. I called to make an appointment once, but my husband asked that we try to work things out with just us first (he got a book) so I cancelled. We do have a nearby option though. Good advice. I tend to own my issues and assume he should too, but it might be easier for him if I phrased it as "us" instead of "you." Always do! Agreed. That wouldn't work for us anyway, for personal reasons.
  5. It's been a while since I've posted, but I have good memories of my time here. What I remember best is how knowledgeable and supportive the regulars are. That's why I'm here today. I could use some of both. Bit of background: I was sexually abused as a child, which led to a sexual addiction when I got older. About four years ago, I got therapy. It helped a lot, as did my time on these forums. I learned to separate healthy relationships and desires from unhealthy ones. My husband was also sexually abused. He went the other direction. He completely closed off (we've since learned it's called sexual anorexia). It's gotten progressively worse over the years, until he can barely stomach any sexual contact. He is afraid to get help; his way of dealing with stress is to ignore the problem. I've really been struggling lately with severe longings for sexual intimacy. We've talked about it several times, and he's very apologetic, but he just...can't do it. He knows he should get help, but he can't make himself and I can't (and shouldn't) force him to. Enter the problem: I shared my issues with a close friend who has a similar problem, and he asked me to sleep with him. I told him no. He wouldn't let it go though. I cut off communication with him, but before I did, he told me I could go to him anytime. I know he's there and willing, and the temptation has been nearly overwhelming the past month. I'm not looking to justify giving in. I won't. I refuse to give into Satan. I'm not looking for advice like "divorce your husband." It's not his fault. I love him and covenanted to be his wife for eternity, no matter how hard it got. I've spoken to the bishop, but he didn't know what to tell me. He said he'd pray about it. That was three weeks ago. In answer to my prayers for help and strength, I was prompted to seek outside myself. So here I am :) What I need is loving support and advice on how to stay strong. Thank you!!!
  6. Hey all! As some of you know, I struggle with sexual addiction. Some days are better than others, but it is always a challenge. The hardest part is finding a a married woman, I obviously can't quit cold turkey. A while ago, while I was reading the Doctrine and Covenants, this verse jumped out at me: D&C 89:10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man I did some research and found out there is a whole class of herbs known as anaphrodisiacs. I thought I would share what I discovered here, in case anyone else might find it useful. Vitex Agnus Castus (chaste berry, monk's berry) - As the names imply, this herb has been used for centuries to help control sexual impulses in men and women. It is also beneficial for many women's complaints because it helps regulate hormones. It has no known side effects when taken in low doses, but it can interact with certain drugs like birth control and antidepressants. I have experienced great results so far. I'm taking 225 mg per day, and I no longer have the insatiable cravings. I plan to take this dosage for a couple months, then drop to 40 mg per day and see how I do. The site I read said high dosages can actually have the opposite effect (increasing desire), so in this case more is not better. Saw Palmetto - This herb is usually used to help treat enlarged prostate. I haven't tried it, but a lot of people on another forum I visit (mostly men) have had great success using this herb to reduce impulses. They recommend 300 mg per day. It can cause upset stomach and reduce blood clotting. Check with a doctor and research the side effects of both of these before trying them. Take them with food. Don't take them if you are pregnant or nursing. If anything funny happens, stop taking them. Etc, etc. (In other words, use them wisely ) No guarantees these will work for everyone, but so far it is a huge relief for me. I don't have to struggle every day! Also, if you try these and they don't work for you, message me. I have a whole list of herbs that are considered anaphrodisiacs. I didn't list them here because most can have severe side effects or only work for a few people. But hey, if it comes to saving your marriage or your membership in the church, they might be worth trying.
  7. I do apologize for the name-calling. You're right, that was immature and unnecessary, not to mention against the rules. I just happen to find the word dingleberry very funny, and I was trying to lighten my own mood :) I've redacted my over-emotional posts. This has not been a good week for me to debate this subject with any degree of objectivity.
  8. I'm more than a little disturbed to see the direction this thread has gone o_O Are people who claim to be LDS actually defending masturbation, or am I misreading? If so, not cool. Regardless, I see a lot of mistaken assumptions in some of these posts. 1. Voluntary masturbation is not as serious of a sin as addiction to it. This is plain wrong. If this were the case, social drinking would be less of a sin than alcoholism. The difference isn't the sin (it's the same sin, after all), but the impact on the individual's recovery. As far as the church is concerned, a social drinker and an alcoholic have committed the same sin and have the same level of repentance. It's just harder for the alcoholic to repent. Besides, how do you know you won't become addicted? You don't, not until you try it. And then it's too late. It's the same reason we don't have a little wine or one cigarette. 2. As long as you aren't addicted, masturbation has no negative impact on your life. Yes, it does. Physical - From sad personal experience, I know that masturbation increases desire. But wait, isn't sexual desire good? Not necessarily. A natural sexual desire is good. Masturbation takes those natural desires and magnifies them. When you're unmarried, this leads to chastity problems with other people. When you're married (again from experience), it leads to marital issues. You are likely to place unfair demands on your spouse. When the spouse doesn't reciprocate (because their urges are not unnaturally high), you feel frustrated and they feel hurt. Regardless of marital status, it can lead to porn. Emotional - I've seen some people claim that, if it weren't for the "mistaken" way we are raised, we wouldn't feel guilty about masturbating. I have news for you. Thanks to an abusive father, I started masturbating for sexual gratification when I was very young, before my mother ever thought of discussing it (or anything sexual) with me. And the guilt was there. Why do you think sexual abuse victims feel guilty? If guilt came from teaching alone, many wouldn't feel bad at all, because their abuser tells them it is "love" and "special time." Guilt can come from teachings, but it also comes from the Holy Ghost to let us know that what we're doing is wrong. It's easy to say you were "brainwashed" when you feel guilty about doing something you've been taught not to do. It's not so easy when you feel guilty about doing something no one has ever addressed negatively with you before. Spiritual - This aspect was overlooked in prior arguments, and it shouldn't have been. If you are tied to the flesh, you can't advance spiritually. And that's the strongest argument against it there is. 3. Masturbation isn't a very serious sin. I've already expressed my opinion on "serious" versus "more serious" sins (in this thread, I think), but I'll reiterate: it's foolish to play Russian roulette with your salvation. It's a sign of the times that mediocrity is considered acceptable. The Lord asks us for perfection, and although He knows we'll never get there in this life, he does expect us to try. All throughout Seminary and Sunday School, Satan's strategy of starting small to ensnare us, then building on the sin, was drilled into my head. Who hasn't heard the gross story about frogs and boiling water? The serious/more serious discussion is a trap he's laid. 4. Sex is a need. The world tells us this, but think about it. Have you ever heard of someone dying because they didn't get sex? Me either. If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you don't see sexual gratification anywhere on it. At the bottom is "sex," that is, procreation. Yep, we need kids to survive as a species. On the third level is sexual intimacy, grouped with other needs for love and belonging. Masturbation doesn't play into that either. Intimacy is about feelings and emotions, not base physical desires. Masturbation is nothing but a selfish indulgence. And for all the people who claim masturbation isn't addressed in the scriptures, take a closer look. Selfish and base desires definitely are.
  9. Something that helped me was getting a priesthood blessing. I had a terrible time choosing which college to attend. My cousin gave me a blessing that my mind would clear and I would be led to the right decision through events in my life. Also (and this is personal advice), don't discount those thoughts in your head. Everyone receives answers through the Spirit differently. If those thoughts are in line with what you know to be true, and you feel the burning in your bosom as the words come to you, don't be afraid to trust them. Clarity of thought and mind can be indications of the presence of the Spirit. That's how I communicate with the Lord. He has power to influence our thoughts, and He knows some of us have trouble going on feelings alone.
  10. Right on! I got myself in SO much trouble with this when my husband and I lived apart for 3 years (he was going to school, I was working). You arouse those feelings...and then what? Ugh. It makes you miss them more, and it can lead to some very bad choices as you struggle to find an outlet. I suggest texting love notes instead of lust notes. Marriage is based on emotion, and the physical relationship is there to support those emotions, not vice versa. My husband and I text each other every day with little notes like, "Missing you!" or "Thinking about you, babe." or even simply "Love you!" Sometimes we get into extended discussions about why we suddenly started thinking about the other person. It makes me feel a lot less alone when we're apart.
  11. That makes sense. From my perspective, I approach things from the bottom up. I like grass-roots movements, leading by example, and watching small projects grow into something big. I prefer to look at things from the perspective of an individual rather than a group as a whole, which is probably why we were locking horns so much :) You don't need validation from an Internet junkie like me. It doesn't matter if I personally accept it as a problem or not. If you see it as a problem, then as far as I'm concerned it IS an accepted problem, at least from one person's point of view. And it only takes one person to start a change. If you start the ball rolling, it can't possibly get lost in the shuffle because you are championing a solution. Other people who share your views will jump in and help.
  12. I know, I know...I was going to be done with this topic :) But I hate to see someone so obviously upset about something. Most of us are not comfortable criticizing church leaders or church policies, but even if we were, what would it accomplish? Say all of us agreed with you...would you call for a petition? Have us email your Stake President? We know how you feel. And I don't disagree that some young men are being treated badly for their decision, just who is responsible. Let's make this a positive exercise and suggest things we can do in our own spheres of authority to make things better. For example, You could create a website with information for parents on how you think they should approach a son who doesn't want to go on a mission. You could create a pamphlet for young men who are having trouble expressing why they don't want to go.You could create a list of resources for young men who have to deal with extremes like being kicked out of the house.You could suggest that the Priesthood Quorum in your ward create a task group aimed at young men who haven't gone on missions, who could visit them, include them, and reassure them that Heavenly Father still loves them.What do you think?
  13. Being an eight cow wife suddenly has a totally different meaning... (Congratulations!)
  14. We learned the "tiger" version too. We used to have a ton of non-PC sayings in our house. No one even thought about using them, and I never knew how bad they were until I went to college and got "corrected." "Jew them down" - talk someone down to a lower price "Indian giver" - someone who gives something, then takes it back "pulling a boner" - making a big mistake (and boy, did I ever turn red over that one when it was pointed out to me!)
  15. Ditto to what honestabe said! I know it's tempting to wonder what you've done wrong, but don't do that to yourself. It isn't you. And if it's been 5 or 6 times, I think it's past time to get out of the relationship. You deserve way better than that. We all do. I don't know for sure. But at some point, you have to trust someone has changed. The affair was 10 years ago, and I'm pretty sure I would have seen something in the meantime if there was anything to see. He's not a subtle guy. It only took me two weeks to discover the affair. He's also become much more active, has several callings, and works part-time for the church. Maybe I'm crazy to have forgiven him and started trusting him again. I wonder the same thing every once in a while. But I can honestly say I don't regret it.
  16. I agree with this. I know how hurt you must be feeling right now. When my husband cheated on me, he said they'd only kissed. He stuck to that story right through counseling. I didn't find out until 6 months later when the VD symptoms appeared that it went further. My husband and I are still together, though, and we love each other very much. I decided to give him a second chance (even after the whole truth came out) because of something I read. I can't recall the source (some marriage book), but it said that men who cheat once may be willing to change. If they do it again, it indicates a pattern that they probably will not break. Our therapist expressed his opinion that that's why someone who commits adultery has one shot to repent. It's up to you and your specific circumstances, of course, whether you think you can get past such a betrayal. I just wanted to let you know that there are people who gave it a second chance and made it work.
  17. I don't want to make light of a serious topic, but can I just say I love the mental image of "divine tentacles"?
  18. Criticism (n) 1) the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything. 2) the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding. Criticism | Define Criticism at Condemnation (n) 3) strong censure; disapprobation; reproof. Condemnation | Define Condemnation at Sorry, but you have. In regards to things solely based on intellect, you are absolutely correct. In regards to issues of religion, this doesn't work. If we truly want to learn about God's plans for us, reason is not enough. We are limited in our understanding. We also need prayer, the Holy Ghost, and divine guidance. I choose option c) moving on to a discussion that is uplifting and beneficial. I neither want to adopt the position that the church is wrong, nor do I care to challenge what you've said. It's not accomplishing anything. When hearts and minds aren't open, debates invite the spirit of contention. I think we can both agree that contention is Satan's tool, yes? It all boils down to this, saintish: Do you believe the church is true? Do you believe that the representatives of the church are called of God and have the authority to lead the church? If so, then this is entire discussion is unnecessary. The Lord hasn't called you or me, he called them. If one of us were a better choice for the position, I suspect we'd be sitting on the podium in General Conference instead of ranting into the Intertubez on our work breaks
  19. Sorry saintish, I wish I could help you with your questions, but I suspect you don't really want help. Your comments are littered with criticisms and condemnations of the church and church leaders. You blame the church for not forcing parents and other church members to abandon their pride. You have convinced yourself that the church (not individual fallible members) is responsible for unrighteous pressure on young men to go on missions. You persist in dismissing all evidence to the contrary because it doesn't fit your world view. Even real-world examples, like the soon-to-be missionary parents who have talked with you on this board and don't hold these views, aren't good enough. An online debate--a notorious forum for promoting divisiveness and contention, where the Spirit cannot exist--is no place to convince you of anything. Ask yourself, is pride clouding your own vision? Are you digging in your heels because you don't want to be wrong? I know I am, and it's making it hard for me to acknowledge any valid points you've made. Someone on the Internet is wrong! I need to stop now. At some point, you have to stop expecting others to answer your questions and find those answers yourself. Read the scriptures and search the archives. Pray. Fast. Pray some more. And remember, the church is more than the sum of its members. If it's true (and it is) and you put in the effort, you will find the answers you seek. Good luck!
  20. Then I admire you for getting your life straightened out. It's not easy. I know. I can't wait for the day I can say I've been clean for six years.
  21. My husband and I had the same discussion, except the roles were reversed. I wanted to keep working, and he felt it was time to have children. He may have a hard time adjusting his views to meet yours and the church's (I sure did!), so be careful not come across as confrontational when you discuss these publications :) Eternal Marriage Student Manual - To the Fathers in Israel (This whole manual is very helpful if you feel like an extended read.) - Ensign Article Mothers Who Know - Ensign Nov. 2007 - Optional Courses Chapter Detail - The Sacred Roles of Fathers and Mothers Good luck to you!
  22. I can't say for sure what his posting indicates, as I don't know the OP personally. In his post he says he prayed about it and saw his bishop, so he has taken his first steps toward repentance. I should have been more clear--the step I was referencing was in the 12 step addiction treatment program, admitting he is powerless in the face of the addiction and needs help and direction. That's...a very black and white way of looking at it :) Please don't take offense, but I'm guessing you've never had a problem with addiction or any serious sins (and I admire that!). In order for sin to be repulsive to us, we need to in line with the Lord's commandments. Yet in order for us to be in line with the Lord's commandments, we need to be free of sin. For those of us who have succumbed to unrighteous urges, this line of reasoning creates an unsolvable problem. By denying that sin can be fun, we give Satan a way into our life. We can be enticed into bad behaviors, which we rationalize as being okay because we are having a good time, and nothing that is enjoyable can be all bad. It's a slippery slope. We overcome sin by recognizing that the "fun" is short-term. It can't compete with long-term happiness and joy. You are absolutely correct that, once we have overcome a temptation and made our way back to the paths of righteous, we will be able to look back on our past behavior with abhorrence. But it is a long, hard journey, and some of us are not there yet. Something along those lines, yes. For me, it's been more about learning to place "fun" below "joy." It requires sacrifice and dedication, because short-term, immediate pleasure can seem more appealing than long-term denial with happiness at the end. As an addict, I worry less about becoming and more about being. I'd love to get to the point you describe, where my only concern is improving on an already righteous life, but at the moment I'm content with being worthy, being faithful, and enduring to the end. Each day where I beat the addiction and don't slide backwards is a success.