Hello. I was typing out a long lengthy discourse on my life but decided to not disclose such personal information on a random website. Instead I will just get down to the nitty gritty, and let you be as judgmental as you want. Instead of letting you know the circumstances I have been brought up under.
I'm a member of the church. Born and raised. Always wanted to serve a mission. I have a girlfriend (I love her more than anything, and see nothing wrong with that). I love my Savior and know he should be my top priority though, I've been working on putting the gospel at my core. I have fallen short though. I broke the law of chastity with my girlfriend (didn't have sex, but got close). I told my bishop because it's the right thing to do and began the repentance process. My family (regrettably) has been involved in the process. They were judgmental even though they all have committed greater sins than I in their lifetimes (they're worthy active members now though). I've been working on becoming clean and this has delayed my mission call. This has been the worst experience of my life, having a long-distance relationship, parents who used to be proud of me now looking down on me, and just waiting to leave on a mission. I'm trying to change but have struggled some. I've been doing good things (going out with the missionaries and taking a mission prep course) but should be doing more. And everybody likes to remind me that constantly. I know what I want out of life but I have to jump through several loops before I can go and serve. I know it is all my fault, but still can't help but feel nauseous...
The repentance process is so hard : (. My bishop is a good guy and has helped me and I've told him all of my serious sins. I can tell things are heading for the clear now and have been given the okay to take the sacrament but I still feel guilty because of ONE thing... I didn't tell him that I have masturbated on webcam a few times throughout this long and mind wearing and sleep deprived process... It's embarrassing and I know if I told him it would just further delay things. Make me more depressed, hurt my relationship more (this waiting game has really been the worst for me and her!), and feel like my mission call will never come... So is it bad that I'm not going to tell the bishop?
I mean personally I feel like it's such a minor sin compared to all my greater ones and certainly one I feel like I can repent of on my own. Disclosing this information to the bishop is not an option for me at this point because it will hurt everyone. That's what I hate!! The repentance process is supposed to be PERSONAL. But I have my parents nagging me to get out of here, an amazing girlfriend waiting for me to leave ASAP, and a nosey ward constantly asking me when I'm gonna complete those mission papers.
So THIS is my confession. I am sorry. I truly don't want to do these things anymore but I can't tell the bishop because it wouldn't be a personal repentance. It would be a public mockery of my confidence and lead me further into depression and further away from trying to serve the lord! That's all I want to do, serve him! So the sooner the better.
Please, put yourself in my situation. Consider the heartache I've already caused everyone. I can't handle it anymore, I just want people to be proud of me again.