CousinOfJared

You are so right. I don't think she realizes how much damage divorce threats do, emotionally. I will go to counseling myself, even if she won't do it, so that I can work things out on my end. Thank you to everyone for your help! I really appreciate it and you really have helped me find new solutions to a problem I've been beating my head in over.

Wow, Anatess, it definitely sounds like our situations were similar, and like your husband, I have been sticking through it trying to figure out how to make things better. You definitely give me hope where it was failing! I gotta say thank you to everyone who has responded. You've all added something that is helping me form a plan on how to improve my relationship with my wife. We haven't had a big fight since I first asked for help, but when that time comes, I'm definitely more prepared to handle it. It's gonna be a lot of work, but it will be worth it. Thank you so much, all of you! When it comes to people trying to help each other with such a vital problem, there is no way to show enough thanks! I'll let you know how things go, if any of you wonder.

Thanks for replying, both of you :) Yeah, I like video games, but I do tend to only play them on weekends and when my wife is readying for bed. We usually cuddle and watch a tv show together before bed, so I definitely try to keep gaming in check. I only get carried away with them when she's left for her parents and I get the house to myself for a while. She spends more time watching all the latest TV shows six days a week than I do on video games. As for the 'D' word, that's the only time I said it. I was as shocked as she was that I swore. I think that fight was almost our undoing in a lot of ways. The other problem I have, which I didn't mention, is that I have tried to have her go to counseling with me, Bishops or Doctors, it makes no diff. She doesn't want to do that. She thinks we should be able to solve everything ourselves. She did get her family involved once, and now there's bad blad between my mom and her sister because of it. It may seem passive of me, I agree, but I have tried to work things out. She doesn't listen to what I feel or think of anything. In any conversation about parenting or anything, things seem to go sour very quickly, and even if there ends in agreement, it doesn't seem to happen. I will try to put our kid to bed at a steady bed time so we can spend time together, but if he cries at all, she pulls him out of bed, no matter how much I protest. She's scared he'll hurt himself or something. The result is, the kid goes to bed "when he's ready" now. He only minds for me, because she gives into all his demands. That's why I discipline him. It's really hard to try to fix problems with someone who, albeit unintentionally, only thinks of their own feelings. And this selfishness begets selfishness in me. Her stubbornness tempts me to rebel and go stubborn myself. I don't think she does any of this on purpose. She always writes me cards for Valentine's Day or letters that she loves me and she's so thankful I put up with her when she gets mad. She knows she has a problem. It probably doesn't help that her last husband left her during their honeymoon, and she's got all those issues to deal with even now. She compares anything I do wrong to him, which isn't fair. I just don't know how to feel here. I have love, and hate for her, and it seems more times than not that we are fighting or unhappy. Anyway, I feel like I'm venting. Thanks for at least listening to me and trying to help me think of solutions.

Hi, I am having a pretty rocky time in my marriage and I’d just like to see what people think about my situation. Thank you for anyone who bears with me, I know this will be kinda long, but it's been 3 years in the building. First off, I gotta say I absolutely love my wife. She is so cute and sweet and has an innocent soul. I literally melt whenever she’s happy and I try very hard to make her happy. I often put what she wants to do over what I want when we are doing things, and I always try to show affection and love her. To her credit, she does a lot of things that make me happy too. She is very supportive of my educational goals and work and we do love to do a lot of the same things. That said, like all couples, we get under each other’s skin and it often seems like we came from different worlds. We are usually pretty good until an argument happens and then the world shatters. The problem I have is that over time, we continuously fight the same arguments about everything from friends to money, to intimacy, to church and we can’t seem to resolve them. One or the other of us is too stubborn to budge on any given issue, but mostly because it’s a value we’ve been taught that the other isn’t as adamant about. This may stem from our personalities. My wife is a very strict, conservative, and ordered person who married an open-minded dreamer with attention deficit. Opposites attract, eh? So here’s an example of one of our fights so you know what I’m talking about. First off, when we fight, my wife often picks the worst times to do it. I’m talking 1 am, midnight, etc. She’ll start with a probing question while we’re in bed, and if I don’t answer it like she wants me too (Which means, I should be incredibly sorry for something that is bugging her), she starts crying after 15 minutes or so and then pushes me to answer until a Satan-fueled fight begins at the time when the holy ghost is already in bed. I get to the point where I apologize (even if I’m wrong) and want to back down, and she keeps pushing and escalating it until she knows for sure that I’m sorry and I promise I’ll never make that mistake again (Which may be something like I didn’t volunteer to help her do laundry or I went to my friends for four hours and got home at 11:30pm because I spent 30 minutes longer than I should have). At that point, I get peeved, and start raising my voice and say she’s being a jerk, which she thinks is name calling. So in reprisal, she tells me I should be single, because that’s what I want and then she says she’s going to leave me. Now I stop talking or listening, because I’m too hurt to keep it up no matter how much she yells or cries. Next morning, I get the silent treatment for an entire day until she eventually makes me say I’m sorry, and then apologizes herself and becomes very loving. Other fights we have had, she has hit me and others she has said she wants a divorce. I have never done any of these things. The worst think I’ve ever done in a fight is said the ‘D’ word, raised my voice and said she’s a jerk. If I were out drinking, or cheating, I could understand these fights, but the things we fight about are like that I bought lunch for work because I work 40 miles away from home (For her so she can be near her work and family) and don’t always have food. Or, I didn’t notice the floor was dirty and didn’t clean it. Or I don’t want to go to Priesthood because in our ward, they only seem to be friendly when they want something from me (She shares this sentiment!). I guess I could say a ton more, but I don’t want to bore you. The thing is, when things are good, I’m totally happy, but more and more, since I know fights are always going to be this way, I’m starting to feel distant and resentful towards her. I still love her so much and I’m trying to keep eternal perspective, but honestly, I feel like a horrible husband and I feel like it’s not going to last. I know it’s not all her. I know what bugs her and I try to improve in those areas. I am part of the problem. I sometimes waste money (usually that which I sell my own stuff to buy new stuff with) and I am having a hard time with my testimony due to some of the experiences we are having in our ward, and yeah, I like to go to friends’ houses and play video games. Some things are part of my life. I don’t spend a ton of time with friends, but I still want to have them! I do need some alone time. She does get that, but she still pushes and subtly tries to change the things that are important to me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel like I can buy her flowers or take her on a date without getting a talking-two about money management. I know that I sometimes hit her hot spots in that I’m not very strong in church right now. She wants an eternal companion and I’m slacking, but I have only started slacking since I’ve been married to her and since we’ve been in this ward. My esteem is shattered. The worst part of it is, I keep imagining being single and how great that’d be. And yet, I don’t want to be. I really love her, I really love our 2-year old son, who doesn’t deserve parents who scream around him. It kills me to think badly about her, but some of the things she does and says are flat out irrational or cruel and I can’t help but think she’s a slavedriver or abusive. Right now she is pushing for another kid and is excited about it. I’m not, but not because I don’t want one. I worry that like our last pregnancy experience (where she told me “I might leave and never come back” after I wanted to go for a few minutes for a ride to cool off) she’s going to become even worse and then if we get a divorce, I’m stuck with paying child support for two kids instead of one. It sucks to say that, but I feel that way. I’m not even able to have a word on how I’d like our children raised. She defaults to raising our boy herself, and he’s getting spoiled for it. My main roles are to play with him and discipline him, so he’s scared of me, because I am always the one mad at him. When I try to talk to her about something, she goes over my ideas every time and just does what she wants. Finally, we have very little intimacy ever since our last pregnancy I have to practically force her to kiss me. We hug and say I love you, but our other forms of physical intimacy are few or need to be pushed to happen. It’s rarely fun or spontaneous. We have a host of other problems, but I just can’t keep going. Bottom line: My wife is very controlling, very stubborn, and very abusive. She doesn’t seem it on the surface, but when I’m not totally in her line, I certainly get burned for it. I really feel like the cons outweigh the pros of our marriage, even though we have some very good pros. Words don’t do justice to the good things I feel about her. I can’t imagine life without her. I love this girl, I take care of our family’s needs, and I’d never willingly try to hurt anyone, most of all her. But this bad anger problem mixed with stubbornness and control turns her sweetness into soul-shattering words that she can’t take back, and I’m really getting to the point where I am fearful and uncertain about being married. I just don’t know why, even when things are okay, she stresses about things and gets so mad Can anyone relate with me or tell me what they think of all this?