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Wow, what a ride this has been! It all started this February when I came here asking for advice on how to proceed with a Sister Missionary with whom I knew I had chemistry with. She went home on July 6th and I proposed on July 13th (not a typo, lol). Well, here we are a little more than 5 months later and now I'm engaged to her and set to be married in the SLC Temple on September 30th!!! Thanks to everyone that gave me advice. Even those that gave me advice that I didn't take!

Thank you very much for the suggestion and advice and I can confirm that we are already officially in the weird stage despite only speaking to her on the phone. In fact, she called me when she was in the car with just her sister, which I just realized the significance of after reading your post. She has never spoken to me without her companion at her side, so having her sister next to her when she called probably provided her some sense of security. I'll say that even our conversation was a little weird in that it was a bit awkward. I kind of attributed that to the fact that we haven't spoken in 3 months and both of us (or at least I do) probably feel the pressure of trying to rekindle what we both felt before she left over the phone. I don't intend to rush her though and despite the fact that I haven't heard from her today and desperately want to talk to her, I'm not going to call. I realize she's experiencing a wide range of emotion right now beyond just the scope of our relationship and I just intend to back off until she settles in a bit and begins to adjust.

Well, the sister missionary I met several months ago was released yesterday by her SP and I got to finally speak to her for the first time since she transferred out of my ward 3 months ago. For those that don't know what I'm talking about but want the whole story, go here: http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/38359-one-more-update-my-story-last-while.html I am flying out to SLC next Wednesday to spend several days with her for the first time. I'll be staying with my family and we'll both have the entire time to dedicate towards spending time with each other and trying to figure out what the next step might be. We're both fairly active and enjoy the outdoors. I've got a few things in mind that we can do, but I want to get as many ideas as I can besides just the normal dinner and a movie. I'll be there the 13th through the 18th. Is there anything special going on that weekend?

Sent you a PM

Divorce is definitely everywhere and LDS aren't immune. From my vantage point, the LDS divorce rate is significantly lower than the national average, but I read recently that the divorce rate in Utah is right there with every other state in the union. Granted, not all Utahns are LDS, but with about 2/3 of the state's population, I think it's still telling. I think every situation is different, but there is no doubt that we live in a society that wants it all right now now and has been deluded by the romance of movies and other media. Throw in the fact that we are a consumer society that is extremely materialistic and you have the makings of a high divorce rate when the going gets tough. Those LDS couples that aren't keeping their covenants are just as susceptible as anyone. For me, I'm actually divorced, although I was only married for a year after my non-LDS ex-wife wanted out despite my best attempts. Plus, I was only 20 with no kids, so it's a bit different than most divorces. But that experience has definitely made me date women more carefully because I don't want to be a twice divorcee.

Cool. Which university library?

I can't answer your question, but as someone that has walked in similar shoes, I understand what you're going through. Just know that there are lots of resources out there for beating this horrible addiction and that if you truly desire to do it, then it can be done. Like any addiction, it's not easy, but the rewards that come with knowing you are finally free and clean are infinitely better than any temporary gratification you will receive through the internet.

I've already stated the intent of my post. Go back and read my posts subsequent to it. I'm done trying to get through your thick skull. Believe what you want, I don't care. My message isn't for you anyway.

This thread is about a man with a porn addiction. My comments are referring to that addiction and how there is a progression in the intensity and volume of porn that is viewed when one is addicted to it because, as another person noted, you become desensitized over time, and I am suggesting that his addiction likely contributed to his infidelity. This progression is no different than any other addiction. There isn't a single person in this entire thread that said a person who consumes porn is automatically an addict and/or a pedophile. Your argument fails.

My example is deliberately showing two extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to porn addiction, but my point is that addiction is a progression, which is a concept that has flown completely over your head. Drug addicts typically don't start using heroin. They typically started drinking, moved to marijuana, then cocaine, etc. or some similar path. Alcoholics typically didn't start drinking everyday. They typically started drinking casually and socially, then began drinking more and more. Porn addicts typically didn't start with daily viewing of porn, they started with infrequent casual use, then got hooked. Is every user of porn going to be a pedophile, adulterer or homosexual or is every pedophile, adulterer or homosexual a porn addict? Of course, not, but that's not my point. My point is that pornography addiction has a progression just like any other addiction. Since this thread is about a man that is obviously an addict, I think it's only fitting to suggest that his addiction to pornography has contributed to his infidelity. Is he "just" sick? Well, of course he's sick! But there's no question in my mind that pornography addiction has contributed to his sickness and I think it's completely fair to suggest that he likely would not be seeking these encounters if he did not have a problem with porn. But then again, maybe he would. Either way, the porn addiction and infidelity obviously needs to be seriously addressed and attacked simultaneously before this marriage can get back on the right track.

It is true from the stand point of a person that has an addiction to pornography. When you are addicted to heroin, what do you do the next time you take heroin? You take more than the last time because you NEED more to achieve the same level of high. Porn is no different for an addict. You are no longer as interested in viewing just "normal" sex and begin to seek out other forms of visual stimulation. I agree that the majority, as defined as the casual observer of porn, "probably" don't fit into this mold, but then again, how do we know that the casual observer is even the majority? Porn addiction is the dirty little secret that people can easily hide behind closed doors, while simultaneously living a seemingly normal life to the outside world. From a worldly perspective, regarding whether or not porn should be in a relationship, well I agree, it should come down to the two people in the relationship. If it is not negatively impacting the relationship, then all power to you. From a spiritual perspective, we were told by Jesus Christ in Matthew 5: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

You are NOT a loser. You are a victim of your husband's rotten actions. Do you think you're the only wife out there dealing with a husband addicted to pornography? If you are really seeking counseling, then you are obviously taking action. Just be mindful that you WILL need to take a hard stand with your husband, as painful as it will be. Just because he deleted the videos on his phone does not necessarily mean he is going to fix his problem. He obviously knows how to play you and unless he is seeking help, whether professional counseling or through books, I wouldn't buy it. Your husband is an addict and needs help. It took me 11 years to realize that I was addicted to pornography. Once I realized it, it took me another year to do something about it. But once I started doing something about it, an amazing thing happened. I quit looking at pornography. It can be done. But you will need to stay on your husband and make him understand that he must take real action, which is to address his addiction so that the both of you can be happy again.

I don't disagree, but only AFTER exhausting all avenues, which includes separation if he decides not to address these problems. She must take a hard stand though and send a clear message that it will no longer be tolerated. From the sound of it, that hasn't happened yet.

The problem with pornography, especially the pornography of today, is that it attacks the user in stages. One day your "just" looking at a Playboy magazine. Several years later, it's child pornography or seeking affairs. Like any addiction, the thrill wears off and requires the user to seek new thrills and the user finds him or herself doing things he/she once thought they would never have the inclination to do. When I finally decided to confess this horrible addiction to my Bishop, he told me about a man that had been excommunicated, in part because he was having sexual relationships with other men. He told the counsel that it all started with him looking at pornography and that over time, he had built up to these new desires, all while remaining active in the church. He was able to rationalize his homosexual relationships because he said the scriptures do not say that a man cannot have sex with another man, only women. What?!? But that's the thought process of an addict. Congratulations for not becoming addicted to porn (and I'm serious). We all have our vices and pornography is a HUGE vice for many people, members and nonmembers. Especially in today's world with the ease in which is may be obtained. It's a fact that it really IS tearing apart marriages and families, preventing people from getting married and in general, preventing people from spiritually progressing in this life. If this weren't true, then we would not be hearing the General Authorities speak about it in every General Conference these last several years or reading post after post on this website about how different people are being affected by it. It's a plague and I'm genuinely happy that you are oblivious to it from your perspective, but please don't disregard it as being harmless for the sake of others.

Wow, my heart goes out to you. Your husband is obviously addicted to pornography and to the rush of seeking other women. From someone that has dealt with addiction to pornography, I can tell you that he won't change until he truly wants to change. Only then, will he seek out help. For addicts of any kind, it usually takes hitting rock bottom before realizing and admitting to yourself that you are an addict and need to change. From what you shared, it sounds like you have been very tolerant of his behavior, which probably isn't helping the situation. It sounds like he is taking advantage of your tolerance for his choices. I'm certainly not promoting divorce without first exhausting every possible avenue, but it sounds to me like you need to take drastic measures to ensure he gets the message that you will no longer tolerate this behavior in your marriage. Only then will he truly understand that he has a problem. As painful as it may be, you may need to separate from him until he gets his addiction under control. But before doing that, I would recommend that the two of you meet with a marriage counselor, and during this meeting, you outline the problem and make it clear that you will separate from him if he doesn't follow through in addressing his problem. If he chooses not to, then you MUST take a stand for yourself and your children or you will always have this problem in your marriage. However, if he does make the decision to address his addiction, then I strongly recommend the book "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" written by Philip Harrison, a lifelong member of the church who overcame addiction to pornography. This book helped me with my own battles with pornography and I can't speak highly enough about it. It implements the same 12-step program that AA uses for battling addiction. I recommend that both of you read it. It will be important that you are an integral part of his recovery and that he knows you are there to support and help him through each step of the recovery process. Also, another suggestion is to install the K9 web filtering software on your computer. This is a free program that will filter inappropriate content and since you have kids, it should definitely be installed if you are not already using similar software. The benefit to you installing this though is that he will not have the password and it will likely block the sites he chooses to visit. However, this is NOT a permanent solution to your problem, and it may even "set him off", so use your own judgment here. Since he is an addict, he will seek and will find other sources, whether they be from other computers, printed pornography, or whatever. Then again, if he chooses to face his addiction, then he should be willing to allow you to install this software on your computer(s) because it will easily remove many temptations. The website is K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software