g8trjasonb

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Everything posted by g8trjasonb

  1. Wow, what a ride this has been! It all started this February when I came here asking for advice on how to proceed with a Sister Missionary with whom I knew I had chemistry with. She went home on July 6th and I proposed on July 13th (not a typo, lol). Well, here we are a little more than 5 months later and now I'm engaged to her and set to be married in the SLC Temple on September 30th!!! Thanks to everyone that gave me advice. Even those that gave me advice that I didn't take!
  2. Thank you very much for the suggestion and advice and I can confirm that we are already officially in the weird stage despite only speaking to her on the phone. In fact, she called me when she was in the car with just her sister, which I just realized the significance of after reading your post. She has never spoken to me without her companion at her side, so having her sister next to her when she called probably provided her some sense of security. I'll say that even our conversation was a little weird in that it was a bit awkward. I kind of attributed that to the fact that we haven't spoken in 3 months and both of us (or at least I do) probably feel the pressure of trying to rekindle what we both felt before she left over the phone. I don't intend to rush her though and despite the fact that I haven't heard from her today and desperately want to talk to her, I'm not going to call. I realize she's experiencing a wide range of emotion right now beyond just the scope of our relationship and I just intend to back off until she settles in a bit and begins to adjust.
  3. Well, the sister missionary I met several months ago was released yesterday by her SP and I got to finally speak to her for the first time since she transferred out of my ward 3 months ago. For those that don't know what I'm talking about but want the whole story, go here: http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/38359-one-more-update-my-story-last-while.html I am flying out to SLC next Wednesday to spend several days with her for the first time. I'll be staying with my family and we'll both have the entire time to dedicate towards spending time with each other and trying to figure out what the next step might be. We're both fairly active and enjoy the outdoors. I've got a few things in mind that we can do, but I want to get as many ideas as I can besides just the normal dinner and a movie. I'll be there the 13th through the 18th. Is there anything special going on that weekend?
  4. Divorce is definitely everywhere and LDS aren't immune. From my vantage point, the LDS divorce rate is significantly lower than the national average, but I read recently that the divorce rate in Utah is right there with every other state in the union. Granted, not all Utahns are LDS, but with about 2/3 of the state's population, I think it's still telling. I think every situation is different, but there is no doubt that we live in a society that wants it all right now now and has been deluded by the romance of movies and other media. Throw in the fact that we are a consumer society that is extremely materialistic and you have the makings of a high divorce rate when the going gets tough. Those LDS couples that aren't keeping their covenants are just as susceptible as anyone. For me, I'm actually divorced, although I was only married for a year after my non-LDS ex-wife wanted out despite my best attempts. Plus, I was only 20 with no kids, so it's a bit different than most divorces. But that experience has definitely made me date women more carefully because I don't want to be a twice divorcee.
  5. Cool. Which university library?
  6. I can't answer your question, but as someone that has walked in similar shoes, I understand what you're going through. Just know that there are lots of resources out there for beating this horrible addiction and that if you truly desire to do it, then it can be done. Like any addiction, it's not easy, but the rewards that come with knowing you are finally free and clean are infinitely better than any temporary gratification you will receive through the internet.
  7. I've already stated the intent of my post. Go back and read my posts subsequent to it. I'm done trying to get through your thick skull. Believe what you want, I don't care. My message isn't for you anyway.
  8. This thread is about a man with a porn addiction. My comments are referring to that addiction and how there is a progression in the intensity and volume of porn that is viewed when one is addicted to it because, as another person noted, you become desensitized over time, and I am suggesting that his addiction likely contributed to his infidelity. This progression is no different than any other addiction. There isn't a single person in this entire thread that said a person who consumes porn is automatically an addict and/or a pedophile. Your argument fails.
  9. My example is deliberately showing two extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to porn addiction, but my point is that addiction is a progression, which is a concept that has flown completely over your head. Drug addicts typically don't start using heroin. They typically started drinking, moved to marijuana, then cocaine, etc. or some similar path. Alcoholics typically didn't start drinking everyday. They typically started drinking casually and socially, then began drinking more and more. Porn addicts typically didn't start with daily viewing of porn, they started with infrequent casual use, then got hooked. Is every user of porn going to be a pedophile, adulterer or homosexual or is every pedophile, adulterer or homosexual a porn addict? Of course, not, but that's not my point. My point is that pornography addiction has a progression just like any other addiction. Since this thread is about a man that is obviously an addict, I think it's only fitting to suggest that his addiction to pornography has contributed to his infidelity. Is he "just" sick? Well, of course he's sick! But there's no question in my mind that pornography addiction has contributed to his sickness and I think it's completely fair to suggest that he likely would not be seeking these encounters if he did not have a problem with porn. But then again, maybe he would. Either way, the porn addiction and infidelity obviously needs to be seriously addressed and attacked simultaneously before this marriage can get back on the right track.
  10. It is true from the stand point of a person that has an addiction to pornography. When you are addicted to heroin, what do you do the next time you take heroin? You take more than the last time because you NEED more to achieve the same level of high. Porn is no different for an addict. You are no longer as interested in viewing just "normal" sex and begin to seek out other forms of visual stimulation. I agree that the majority, as defined as the casual observer of porn, "probably" don't fit into this mold, but then again, how do we know that the casual observer is even the majority? Porn addiction is the dirty little secret that people can easily hide behind closed doors, while simultaneously living a seemingly normal life to the outside world. From a worldly perspective, regarding whether or not porn should be in a relationship, well I agree, it should come down to the two people in the relationship. If it is not negatively impacting the relationship, then all power to you. From a spiritual perspective, we were told by Jesus Christ in Matthew 5: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
  11. You are NOT a loser. You are a victim of your husband's rotten actions. Do you think you're the only wife out there dealing with a husband addicted to pornography? If you are really seeking counseling, then you are obviously taking action. Just be mindful that you WILL need to take a hard stand with your husband, as painful as it will be. Just because he deleted the videos on his phone does not necessarily mean he is going to fix his problem. He obviously knows how to play you and unless he is seeking help, whether professional counseling or through books, I wouldn't buy it. Your husband is an addict and needs help. It took me 11 years to realize that I was addicted to pornography. Once I realized it, it took me another year to do something about it. But once I started doing something about it, an amazing thing happened. I quit looking at pornography. It can be done. But you will need to stay on your husband and make him understand that he must take real action, which is to address his addiction so that the both of you can be happy again.
  12. I don't disagree, but only AFTER exhausting all avenues, which includes separation if he decides not to address these problems. She must take a hard stand though and send a clear message that it will no longer be tolerated. From the sound of it, that hasn't happened yet.
  13. The problem with pornography, especially the pornography of today, is that it attacks the user in stages. One day your "just" looking at a Playboy magazine. Several years later, it's child pornography or seeking affairs. Like any addiction, the thrill wears off and requires the user to seek new thrills and the user finds him or herself doing things he/she once thought they would never have the inclination to do. When I finally decided to confess this horrible addiction to my Bishop, he told me about a man that had been excommunicated, in part because he was having sexual relationships with other men. He told the counsel that it all started with him looking at pornography and that over time, he had built up to these new desires, all while remaining active in the church. He was able to rationalize his homosexual relationships because he said the scriptures do not say that a man cannot have sex with another man, only women. What?!? But that's the thought process of an addict. Congratulations for not becoming addicted to porn (and I'm serious). We all have our vices and pornography is a HUGE vice for many people, members and nonmembers. Especially in today's world with the ease in which is may be obtained. It's a fact that it really IS tearing apart marriages and families, preventing people from getting married and in general, preventing people from spiritually progressing in this life. If this weren't true, then we would not be hearing the General Authorities speak about it in every General Conference these last several years or reading post after post on this website about how different people are being affected by it. It's a plague and I'm genuinely happy that you are oblivious to it from your perspective, but please don't disregard it as being harmless for the sake of others.
  14. Wow, my heart goes out to you. Your husband is obviously addicted to pornography and to the rush of seeking other women. From someone that has dealt with addiction to pornography, I can tell you that he won't change until he truly wants to change. Only then, will he seek out help. For addicts of any kind, it usually takes hitting rock bottom before realizing and admitting to yourself that you are an addict and need to change. From what you shared, it sounds like you have been very tolerant of his behavior, which probably isn't helping the situation. It sounds like he is taking advantage of your tolerance for his choices. I'm certainly not promoting divorce without first exhausting every possible avenue, but it sounds to me like you need to take drastic measures to ensure he gets the message that you will no longer tolerate this behavior in your marriage. Only then will he truly understand that he has a problem. As painful as it may be, you may need to separate from him until he gets his addiction under control. But before doing that, I would recommend that the two of you meet with a marriage counselor, and during this meeting, you outline the problem and make it clear that you will separate from him if he doesn't follow through in addressing his problem. If he chooses not to, then you MUST take a stand for yourself and your children or you will always have this problem in your marriage. However, if he does make the decision to address his addiction, then I strongly recommend the book "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" written by Philip Harrison, a lifelong member of the church who overcame addiction to pornography. This book helped me with my own battles with pornography and I can't speak highly enough about it. It implements the same 12-step program that AA uses for battling addiction. I recommend that both of you read it. It will be important that you are an integral part of his recovery and that he knows you are there to support and help him through each step of the recovery process. Also, another suggestion is to install the K9 web filtering software on your computer. This is a free program that will filter inappropriate content and since you have kids, it should definitely be installed if you are not already using similar software. The benefit to you installing this though is that he will not have the password and it will likely block the sites he chooses to visit. However, this is NOT a permanent solution to your problem, and it may even "set him off", so use your own judgment here. Since he is an addict, he will seek and will find other sources, whether they be from other computers, printed pornography, or whatever. Then again, if he chooses to face his addiction, then he should be willing to allow you to install this software on your computer(s) because it will easily remove many temptations. The website is K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software
  15. Have you tried an LDS dating website? There's a bunch of them and if you are willing to get to know someone that may live far away first through a computer, then your chances of finding someone obviously go up dramatically.
  16. Well that was easy, lol! Seriously though, congratulations. I didn't not serve a mission and will always regret it. Don't be like me. Finish what you started.
  17. Nah, I worded it correctly. My thought is that you likely wouldn't be eating out, spending what you're spending on a restaurant meal, if it weren't for the fact that you are traveling for work. I spend about 50% of my year traveling for my job and we receive a per diem regardless if its used or now. If I use it for food, then I'm paying tithing on it. But if there is any excess, and there always is, then I count it as income. But not for tax purposes.
  18. One other thing I should add....its NEVER too late to make a change! Because of the greatest gift ever given to man, the gift of the atonement, we can ALL make the changes we need that are necessary to be worthy to return to Heavenly Father after this life. The fact is, many of the members of this church, including myself, have not been worthy at one point or another in our lives. But through proper repentance, many of us have been cleansed. I can't even begin to describe that feeling, knowing that you are clean once again. Its not an easy process, at least it wasn't for me, but I am so grateful that there even is a process and that Jesus Christ was willing to take all of those sins from me. Its a wonderful feeling knowing that the slate has been wiped clean and I hope you and your husband experience it one day.
  19. We are all changing. We're either getting better or getting worse. Either way, we're changing. As for making the positive changes you desire, the most important thing to begin doing is prayer. When I started making changes in my life, I struggled with prayer because I didn't know what to say or how to do it. But I stayed with it and just thanked Heavenly Father for the blessings He has given me. Then I started reading. Last year, I read the Book of Mormon from beginning to end. When you combine that with prayer, it is a VERY powerful experience. Over time, I gained my own, personal testimony that this is really God's church. Once that happens, quite frankly, it all becomes fairly easy after that because you then KNOW that everything that is being asked of us in the scriptures and by the leaders of this Church come directly from God. Before having that testimony, I struggled just like you. So, if you and your husband work at it together by reading and praying about what you are reading, you both will also be blessed with revelation that will confirm that this is really the one, true church of Jesus Christ. One thing to remember though, and I think this is really important. Don't beat yourself up too much when you slip. You aren't going to make a 180 degree turn overnight, and you shouldn't get too down on yourself when you don't, because you won't! Just keep striving to get better. If you read just once last week, then try and read twice this week. Just try to get better! Over time, you will gain momentum and find that this routine becomes a part of you and you will begin to enjoy it. I know how it is, saying you'll do something one day, but then not following through. We all do it. Just start at a comfortable pace that you know the both of you can sustain and then build on it. It will all come in time. Congratulations on making this decision! You definitely have the desire and that's the first thing we need to make a change in our lives! Now build on that and increase your faith through family study and prayer and enjoy the blessings that will follow!
  20. My thoughts are, since we are to pay 10% of our increase, that one would pay 10% of any excess per diem not used for expenses.
  21. What difference does it make if they see how much I make? I guess its a matter of personal preference, but it doesn't bother me one bit if they know.
  22. Can you ask to be moved to another cube/desk/office?
  23. Yeah, she had previously assumed that the cutoff for women was the same for men, which is 26. She had always wanted to serve a mission but because of some negative influences she didn't, and when she thought she passed the cutoff, she figured she had lost her chance and she really regretted it. A couple years later, someone told her the women don't have a cutoff so she decided she would go at age 29. That's what's crazy about this. We never would have met had we both not made serious life decisions. For her, it was to serve a mission. For me, it was to read the BOM and fully accept it as true and change the way I was living.
  24. For those that care, here's a quick update on my little situation. For those that want to catch up, read these two threads. http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/37583-interested-sister-missionary-how-should-i-handle.html http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/37825-update-my-sister-missionary-story.html Since my last update, she and I have both made it clear that we recognize the connection between us. For those wondering, it was not me that initiated that conversation, but I'm glad she did because it needed to be done so we could both move on. Especially her. We both knew that the other person felt this connection, however we haven't mentioned a word of it to each other until the other day. But if you've ever been in love, then hopefully you have experienced that feeling of unspoken strong mutual attraction where you just "know". Our situation was obviously magnified in this regard because we couldn't talk about it, but these feelings evolved naturally not because either one or both of us was engaging in any kind of flirtatious behavior. Once we did speak more openly, we didn't let ourselves get too carried away. The words "love" or "marriage" were never mentioned. But we did make it clear that we both knew and felt the same way. She has spoken to her Mission Pres about it and has requested that she be transferred to another zone for this next transfer so that she is completely focused on finishing her mission strong. I think she has been given a little leeway here by not being "emergency" transferred because a) she's a proven awesome missionary that the mission pres loves, b) she's 30 years old and c) she only has 3 months left. We have agreed not to contact each other anymore until after she is released. So that's it for now. She'll be released and then we'll figure out what the next step will be. We both agreed that I shouldn't fly out there immediately after she's released. That'll just be too obvious. But it won't be long before we meet up and I won't be surprised if she decides to move down here. It's been a crazy ride. I'm sure some of you will think this is a horrible situation, but that doesn't bother me because I know you don't have all of the facts. I know it was handled the best way it could be handled so that's all that matters to me. Neither one of us asked for this to occur, but we weren't going to just ignore it either when it did. Although, she did tell me she prayed for weeks that these feelings would go away. They just never did. I am certain that we were brought together for a purpose and I know she believes that as well. Since I read the BOM last summer, reactivated and fully accepted all of it as true, I am a living example of the blessings that will be bestowed on us when we follow the Lord's will. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I've embraced the gospel and have done everything that has been asked of me since making that decision. I've since been ordained with the Melchizedek Priesthood, received my patriarchal blessing and, best of all, met the woman that I'm extremely likely to marry. My next step is to receive my endowment, which will obviously happen before she is released. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I was close many times to spilling the beans and it was the advice (and shouting :)) I received here that talked me into not doing that. It wasn't really what I wanted to hear at the time but I knew that it was the correct answer and I'm glad I followed it. I promise I'll post pictures in a few months. Maybe even an engagement photo or two.