I know it sounds a little dramatic to say so but that is what I believe now. I would love to say I am ok with it but I can't. Let me tell you a story. I got married when I was 22 to a flawed but good woman. We were both in very difficult times in our lives. Even though she is definitely a woman that likes sex she is not what I would call affectionate. She would get mad at me if I even touched her when the kids were in the room. Still, we spent the next 14 years making six kids and fighting and hating each other on what seemed an almost daily basis. That is not to say that there weren't good times but somehow everything that went wrong always ended up being my fault. I would beg my wife to go to marriage counseling with me but she would respond that the problems in our marriage were my fault and if I just went and fixed myself then everything would be perfect. After a while I guess I just got sick of being told how bad I was.
About 4 months ago I admit that I was starved for affection. I really felt no love for my wife anymore and so desired to be loved and cared about. I had even made out my "escape" plan that would have me divorcing her in about 5 years (when our youngest went to school). I wanted to stay with her as long as possible for my kids. One day I decided I would go looking for the affection I was so craving. I never really thought I would find it but sadly I did. I met a girl that was just as love starved as I was. We ended up sleeping together, once. I know the number of times does not really matter but I want to say that it was brief and I knew right away that I had made a terrible mistake. I immediately went to my Bishop. I want to say strongly that no matter what my wife and I were going through it was NO excuse for what I did. More importantly, I should have considered the innocent victims here, my kids. But I didn't. I was selfish and only thought of what I wanted. Well, my Bishop told me I had to come clean to my wife, which I did. She of course sent me packing.
Now I am separated, living alone and hated. My wife looks at me like I am the scum you accumulate on your shoes in a New York subway. My oldest son barely talks to me anymore. I have co-workers that have been like angels to me but they tell me that I am now "damaged goods" and can expect to be alone for life. I have been disfellowshipped and frankly hate the fact that I wake up each day. But I have a responsibility to make sure that my kids have a roof over their head and food in their mouths. I love them and I miss them. I have begged my wife's forgiveness but I doubt that will ever come. If there is anyone that reads this post that is considering cheating on your spouse, DONT! No matter if you are successful in finding what you think you want, you will lose. And trust me when I tell you that you can’t imagine just how much you have to lose. You can't imagine the guilt and the pain you will feel. Godly sorrow is not a feeling you want to experience.
As I am LDS I am an outcast. Being separated is the biggest "no man's land" you can imagine. Because I am only separated girls won’t talk to me. And I am not looking for a date just someone to talk to. Guys my age are married and have lives of their own. I thought I felt alone before this, the loneliness I have experienced since has made before look like a party. But I will go on because I have to. I know that God will forgive me in time and with hard work but I doubt mankind ever will. How I would ever explain this to a possible future spouse helps me to know that I WILL be alone for the rest of my life. Again, don't do it.
