I've never posted on any post before, so don't know if I'll do this right. I'm very confused right now, so I might just be confusing.
I've been married 16 years. And like other marriages we had our smaller issues. But we had one big one that I worked hard to help him overcome for the first 14 years of our marriage. He was addicted to Porn since he was a small boy. He told me right before we got married, and in my own naivety, I thought he'd overcome that as he experienced the physical love we would share. Long story short, I was wrong. I tried everything, I went to the temple regularly, I fasted, prayed. I went to different bishops for help. I pleaded and begged. And of course I never felt good enough for him. I never felt pretty enough, or sexy enough. I would try to do what I was told by bishops and others, never let him be alone. So if he stayed up to play a video game, I waited up all hours in the morning with him, so he wouldn't be alone. But I'm sure anyone can guess how that worked. He was addicted, he would take care of it at work, or in the bathroom. I couldn't hold his hand no matter how hard I tried.
Well 2 1/2 years ago he met someone on a game. She and her husband had an "open marriage". They didn't believe in Monogomy. She had played the game before and she knew how to get what she wanted. Long story short, they had an on line affair for about 5 or 6 months. Then my husband had a business trip only an hour away from where they lived.nHer loving husband drove her up to meet mine, and I don't think I need to say where it went.
The confusing thing is, is that I thought our marriage was fine, I still got twitterpated when he'd come home from work. We'd stay up late talking and dreaming. Our sex life was normal, (at least a few times a week). So I really didn't see this coming.
However after all this, he came to me and confessed what he had done, and went to the bishop. He was excommunicated which he said he'd accept it and work hard if that's what they felt needed to be done. However when he was ex'ed he complained about how some other guy just got a slap on the wrist and he'd slept with more than just one other woman.
He did work really hard trying to make me happy for the first year. Doing anything I wanted, just trying to make me comfortable. My depression was so bad he really did try. But now after 2 years he is frustrated with me still having depression. He has been doing everything he possibly could. Which believe it or not, the shock of what he did also helped him overcome his pornography addiction.
The hurt I felt from him, I also feel at church. So I haven't gone in almost 2 years myself. It hurts to be told if I do everything right, God will help make things easier for us. I know it's wrong to talk like this, but I truly felt and still feel forgotten and unloved. And now that I'm not active I feel I have no right to ask for help. Part of me feels if I do this I won't be tempted to feel any hurt or anger toward God. Because I know that's wrong. I have wonderful neighbors, and honestly the best ward I could ever ask for. But I am so spiritually hurt.
I know I haven't made correct decisions lately, but most of them have just been to help me not contemplate suicide. Which I did try about a year ago.
Now after all my talking (sorry if anyone made it this far), I'll get to where I am now. I'm tired, my house is a mess, I don't really have anyone but family. But I'm scared to vent about my husband to them, if things work out, I don't want anymore hurt, anger or hate. Especially since they've all noticed huge changes in my husband now also.
However lately we've had financial struggles. (like most people right now). Since he's self employed he tries to work a lot. But I still feel like I'm a single mom of 4 kids. He comes home after we're all in bed, and leaves before we do. So we don't see him much.He does try to take me out on the weekends. But for the most part I'm home all day with 4 kids. And since I got sick last week, the house got even messier. He's been so angry about having a messy home he told me he was going to leave. He told my kids that the messy house is why he doesn't want to come home. He's been extremely angry for the last couple of months. Shouting and swearing all the time when he is home. I think he tries not to shout or swear because of me, so he blames the kids for everything.
I just feel like I've tried so hard these passed two years, and he's giving up now.
I really don't know what I can do. I don't know how we could afford to be separated. I've loved being a stay at home mom. I do have a beauty license, but I feel the same there as everywhere else in my life, insufficient. I really don't think I could support myself and 4 kids on a beauticians salary. I feel I'm out of options. I've almost accepted the fact that I won't have the eternal marriage I thought I would have. Now I feel I've got to live the rest of my life like this, married to someone who is angry at me and the kids all the time. All I can think is this is what God wanted me to have. And I guess the good news is I won't think of suicide now, because I don't want to leave my kids with someone so angry.
