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Tell yourself whatever you need to to justify your actions. The truth doesn't change. You're just trying to run away from it because, well, you know why...darkness and light don't mix. I feel sorry for your kids...they will pay the price for your decision to lead them away. You are the one who needs to grow up.

Gwen, all you've done in your last post is proved my point. We CAN go through trials and hardships and, obviously, sin, since we're all human, with our testimonies in tact. Abraham did and Job certainly did. It is our choice whether or not we give up our testimony - it's not just stripped from us through the circumstances of life. That's putting way too little accountability in our hands. Love the Lord thy God with all thine heart. If we break this commandment, start doubting him, questioning him, run from him, we don't truly love him with all our hearts. That is sin. Believe me, I have suffered through trials worse than you could ever imagine and never for a second did I doubt God's love for me or stop loving him. Just the opposite...this was when I needed him the most. My very closest friend on the earth taught me this when she lost two of her young children within five years of each other. She DID question. She DID wonder. What mother wouldn't?! What she DIDN'T do was doubt that God loved her and her children and she TRUSTED him. He was the only one who could truly comfort her. We don't know the whole picture, but if we trust Him, we will overcome. President Eyring gave an awesome talk on this a few years ago about two different families who had lost children. One trusted God and remained active in the church. The other became angry and bitter and fell away. Then their children were lost from the truth, and their children as well. Generations were deprived of having the gospel in their lives because of one family's unwillingness to trust God. That is sin. We all struggle from time to time with our testimonies, for whatever reason, but hopefully we try to strengthen it, not challenge it. I stick with my post...everything that draws us away from God is sin. Isn't that spiritual death and isn't that the very thing Christ came to overcome? I'm sure that your son, after one of his seizures, didn't doubt your love for him and didn't turn away from you just because you couldn't take his seizure away. I have nothing more to say.

My "right answer" doesn't come from myself. I rarely trust myself to have the right answer, but I always trust God and the prophets. This is from Elder Scott: 1. One of the principal purposes of this life is for God to test his children, to see whether we will keep his commandments. (See Abr. 3:25.) 2. Therefore, this life is “a probationary time,” as Alma called it, “a time to repent and serve God” (Alma 42:4). 3. The breaking of a commandment of God is sin. 4. In the final judgment, we will stand before God to be judged according to our works. (See Alma 11:41; 3 Ne. 26:4; D&C 19:3.) 5. For every sin there is “a punishment affixed.” (Alma 42:18; see also Amos 3:1–2.) 6. Those who have broken the commandments of God and have not repented in this life will “stand with shame and awful guilt before the bar of God” (Jacob 6:9). They will have “an awful view of their own guilt and abominations” (Mosiah 3:25). The scriptures describe this as “a lively sense of … guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever” (Mosiah 2:38). 7. The awful demands of justice upon those who have violated the laws of God, the “state of misery and endless torment” (Mosiah 3:25) described in these scriptures, can be mediated by the atonement of Jesus Christ. This is the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ...Elder Scott. Anything that brings us closer to God is good. Anything that draws us away is sin. I doubt that the man who posed the original question here is drawing closer to God by living this lie. We justify every sin, big and small - I do it too - to avoid suffering. But eventually the suffering will come and we will have to pay for what we've done, UNLESS we repent and allow Christ to carry the burden. Read Elder Wirthlin's talk Spiritual Bonfires of Testimony. He explains it much better than I ever could.

Gwen...being tested and losing your testimony are two very different things. You're right, everyone is tested in this life, but not everyone walks away from something they once believed in when things get difficult. If a testimony is real in the first place it can only be lost by not nurturing it and the thing that keeps us from nurturing it is sin. We feel guilty so we don't pray, we feel unworthy so we stop going to church. Trust me...he has major sins he is covering by suddenly not believing in the church. It makes it easier. You don't have to worry about repenting. You can justify your actions by suddenly changing your values. I am certain that the times you have struggled as well were because you weren't doing what you knew you should be. You just don't want to admit that to yourself.

My husband was such a straight laced Mormon until about five years ago when he went crazy. He has done all the same things as your husband, plus infidelity. It has been so painful. We also have five children and I am devastated that he no longer leads them or teaches them values. He used to gather us together at night to read scriptures and have family prayer. Now he takes my 16 yr. old to rated R movies without me knowing! I don't know how to love this man. He is not the man I married. I am here for my kids although I often think they would be better off without him too. It is a huge contrast from just a few years ago and no one can believe it. So sad. He has mental illness in his family and I have asked him to see a psychiatrist but he gets offended. He doesn't see it...just thinks that he is finally able to do what he wants. I see no longer believing as a way to not have to repent. It makes me sick. It is affecting my kids. My son made the comment that it's too bad his younger siblings won't have their dad as an example like he did!

There's more to it than you're telling. A person's testimony doesn't just disappear. I would bet a lot of money that you have done something very wrong and your way of justifying it is to say the church is not true. It makes it less painful, plus then you're off the hook with the whole repentance thing. If I had to guess it would be infidelity. I've seen it before...everything you've said is classic.

I have been reading these posts and wanted to add my support. I recently found myself in a very similar situation. My children were even the exact same ages as yours. My husband did leave our home for about six weeks...I told him that as long as he was in contact with "her" he could not be here. I was shocked when he chose her. Our children were devastated when he left, even though they didn't really know why. We told them that Mom and Dad were having some struggles and that Dad was going to be staying somewhere else for a while. I really wanted them to understand that grown ups have hard times, but that doesn't mean you give up on each other. He slept on his couch at his office during the week and "her" place on the weekends. After about a month of that he realized that he did not want to be with her - she was pretty psycho it turned out. I could hardly get myself out of bed in the morning, let alone take care of my kids. I had to call my sister and ask her to fly out and help me. He created such a mess and only now, eight months later, is he really understanding the extent of it. It was like he was a totally different person - he actually doesn't remember much from that time so when I remind him of things he said and did, he is amazed at what a jerk he was. It will take me a long time to get over this and, truthfully, I don't think I ever will. Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is impossible. I know that at some point my children will need to be told. There were a lot of things that he missed...ordaining my oldest son a Priest and middle son a Deacon...soccer games and basketball games. He basically just checked out of our lives for two months after being such a great dad. My family knows and his family knows and I'm sure that one day something will be said to my children by some inconsiderate relative so we need to talk to them first. I really don't want any family secrets. They are still young, but one day they deserve to know. Honestly, I still have days where I look at him and I just want to turn and run. It repulses me to think of what he did with another woman. I love him, but my respect and trust are gone. He is very loving and attentive now, but it took a while. His feelings for her did not go away over night, but what he has realized is that those feelings were a fantasy. I really don't know why my husband would do something like this...he has a great job and we have five awesome kids. I think I have been a good wife. Maybe some men just hit midlife and want to start over. He told me that once several months ago...that he felt like he just wanted a different life. I have a really hard time understanding that because, like I said, we have a good life. She also was pretty young - 29. He's 42. It really sucks! But...you can and will get through this...with or without him. That is what helped me. I realized that I didn't need him and once I adopted that attitude and he saw that I would be fine without him, he realized everything he was giving up. I wanted to be with him, but I knew that I would be fine if he left for good. Mostly my heart ached for my kids. My eight year old climbed into bed with me in the middle of the night one night when he was gone crying and said, " I would rather die than not have Daddy here with me." My husband had a crappy childhood...his mom did the same thing and he didn't see his dad for years. I will not put my kids through that. I want to end this cycle here and now. Just know that you are not alone. I really felt so alone in the beginning. I didn't want to talk to anyone. People in the ward would ask where he was...he had a very high profile calling. It really is terrible what this kind of thing does to a person and family. He pretty much ruined his reputation with both our families and our ward. He is trying to earn it back, but it will take years, and I don't think it will ever be forgotten by anyone. God bless.

Did you really think that it would lead to something other than a "bad place?" Go jump out of an airplane if you are so bored with your life that you need an adrenaline rush! You don't mess with your family like that. I sure hope he doesn't have a family. If so, you are both pretty pitiful and why would either of you want to be with someone who would do something like this? Maybe this is harsh, but you need a good dose of reality. The momentary excitement is not worth the years of pain this will cause to your marriage. I wouldn't worry about your husband's self-image being affected by this...I would worry about your own. It is a person with low self-worth that does something this damaging to something so sacred. I think a lot of people come on this forum to get a "there there, it'll be alright, everyone makes mistakes." Sorry...you're not gonna hear that from me.

I am probably one of the very few people in the church who understand completely what you are going through. My husband and I were married in December of 1991 and have five children, ages 7 to 16. Three years ago I found out he had become emotionally involved with some different women over the years. The first one was the Relief Society President and my closest friend at the time. There was some physical action as well, but with each person that action grew to be more. The next two women were non-member co-workers. Each of these led to oral sex. When I found out I was devastated. He loves the gospel...was constantly reading and studying the scriptures and other church resources. I thought he was strong in the gospel and I was the weak one. I always relied on him spiritually. We were able to work through it and I thought we were in a good place, but then last fall things started to deteriorate again and I discovered in December that he had "fallen in love" with someone new. I made him leave after Christmas and after about six weeks he wanted to come back. The woman had showed her true colors and was very manipulative and controlling. She didn't like him seeing his kids and she didn't want him anywhere near me. She claimed to be pregnant so he would stay with her. I was so broken...could hardly even get out of bed. I had to ask my sister to fly across the country to be with me and help me take care of my children. My kids didn't know all the details...just that dad had left and was trying to work some things out. We prayed and fasted constantly that he would come home. Looking back, I'm not sure why. I often think that maybe that was my chance to be free. I, too, have felt prompted to stay with him, even though at times every bone in my body screams RUN. I know that nothing is impossible to overcome, but it is so very difficult. I don't really have a problem trusting him because I don't want to be constantly checking up on him. I have better things to do honestly. My problem right now is my lack of respect for him. I crave leadership in our home, but he is so weak right now. I think the common thread of these situations is that they usually blame us. They have to in order to justify what they have done. On top of all that, we are in the process of moving. Again, I hear that voice in my head saying, why would you uproot your kids to go with this man?! It certainly isn't because of some overwhelming love for him. I have to pray each day to be able to love him just for today, then I do the same thing the next day. Honestly, I don't know why I'm still here. I am just really trying to follow the Spirit and for some reason this is where I'm supposed to be now. I really wish this weren't so taboo in the church. I could use some support other than over the computer. My husband went through a disciplinary court three years ago and received several months probation. This time I have no doubt he will be excommunicated, but he won't talk to the bishop. It is frustrating because I have to let him do things in his own time. Right now he is here and wanting to be a father and husband, but its like he doesn't really know how. He never had the example at home growing up and he is just really lost. He is searching for answers outside of the gospel and he keeps coming up feeling empty. I feel really sorry for him, but I also know that he has a strong side. I saw that the first few years of marriage. I could go on and on...just know that you are not alone. I just finished a really good book (although somewhat depressing since their struggle went on for 38 years) by a man who had been a bishop who was excommunicated called The Worth of Every Soul. My husband had a book written by the same author called Putting on the Armor of God which helped me through the weeks my husband was gone. I was shocked a few months ago to find out that this same man...Stephen Cramer (real name Gerald Curtis) had done the same thing my husband did...and came back. Look for this book. It may help. Good luck.

I have been in your sister's position for the past few years...finding out that my RM husband had been lying to me - cheated with four different people in the last 10 years. It is much harder to forget than to forgive. I remember after I first found out (by this time he had cheated three times) and he seemed repentant I was watching a Dr. Phil show and he said that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It made me really question whether he would be faithful to me or not. Sure enough, three years later, he did it again. I am here for my kids. I do love him, but if it weren't for them I would have been gone long ago! He actually left for six weeks to be with the other woman, but then realized how stupid he was and how psycho she was and he came back. During that time my kids were devastated. They didn't know details, just that dad was working some things out. My eight year old would wake up crying in the middle of the night and one night he said, as he was sobbing, "I would rather die than not have daddy here with me." I could never leave because of them. I have to turn it over to God. I have continually felt impressed to stay, even though I have wanted to leave. I find myself in the car with all my kids sometimes and think about just taking off back home to my parents. I have to continually pray for guidance. Know that this is not easy for your sister. Divorce is terrible, but being in this position, I believe it is actually much harder to stay than it would be to leave. I pray for a mighty change in my husband.

I am in a very similar situation as you are and it is HARD! My husband and I have five children and I found out three years ago that he had become involved with several different women over the previous years. Two of them were co-workers and one- believe it or not - was the relief society president and my closest friend in our then-ward. The affairs started out mostly emotional, but then led to more physical acts, including oral sex. After I found out, he went to the Bishop and went through a church disciplinary court, and we were able to work through it (I thought). Then last December I discovered a new affair. This time he left our home for six weeks and had a full fledged sexual affair. It was devastating. During the first three affairs, before I knew anything, he continued to be very active - YM president, Gospel Doctrine teacher, etc., and attend the temple. In fact, he was always pretty overboard religiously. But after I found out he blamed the church for being so strict with rules and regulations - basically justifying everything he had done - and became inactive for several months. He eventually realized what he was doing and went back to church and went through the Bishop's court. He has now realized that he also has an addiction. He described it as a drug. He came back home last February after realizing that the other woman had lied and manipulated and was very unstable. I have had so many mixed feelings...why would I want to be with a man who would repeatedly do this to me...can I ever trust him again...will I ever be able to move past all the lies...would I be happier alone or with someone else. I even question eternal families and wonder if I should be expected to stay with him because of that. I love him, but I never thought we would be in this situation, and it is so difficult to get past. I have definitely grown closer to God through all of this. My husband used to be my strength, but now I know I will never be able to rely on him spiritually again. During the weeks that he was gone, my 8 year old was crying in the middle of the night for him and said, "I would rather die than not have daddy here with me." It is because of my kids that I am trying to make my marriage work. I hope they won't resent me for it later or think that I was weak. Being in this situation I can honestly say that it is a much harder thing to stay than leave. I have searched for help within the church, but just like I want our problems to stay private, I realize that other people do as well and so there is hardly any help out there for members of the church going through this. Just know that you are not alone. I think it is much more common than we realize. Our husbands just happen to be ones that got caught.