yjacket

i have slept for two days since school got out.
Perhaps I don't represent the ideal liberal teacher, but please, on behalf of the non-ideal liberal teachers, do not make us teach more hours and more months.
3 year olds do not need to be in all-day school. Any preschool program should mainly be fun.
 

How the heck is increasing the school day thinking outside the box in any form? It's a rather obvious answer requiring little thought. "Hey, let's make more school so we don't actually have to worry about fixing school!"

You have never been around small kids, have you? 

Yeap.  I'd like to know where the obligation for YM to serve missions has ever been rescinded.
My point is not so much that one should expect to marry a virgin-if someone wants to set that expectation that is fine, I don't think it is a wrong expectation or a right one.  It is probably generally a good thing for a young man to not marry someone who has been divorced.  Different ages have different stages and expectations out of marriage.  Someone who is 40 isn't probably going to marry a virgin-they are probably going to marry a widow or a divorcee (I'd still recommend against a divorcee). For someone who is youngish (20s), it is perfectly reasonable for them to want to marry someone who is a virgin.  Making that desire out to be an unChristlike attribute is IMO wrong.
This isn't someone who was raped, or molested or who was divorced or a widow.  Those are all different cases then what is being discussed here.  
This young lady was endowed, served a mission, knew full well the Law of Chastity, it's importance etc.  She knew full well what she was doing when she broke the LoC.  I understand that she has fully repented and that she has been forgiven.  But choosing a spouse isn't about choosing the person who has repented the most or who has been forgiven the most. Choosing a spouse goes beyond the prettiest, the most spiritual, the most perfect, or whatever other "requirement".  Choosing a spouse is about selecting an individual who is a good fit, who's character and the sum total of who they currently and of who they potentially may become is a good fit for that individual.  And by the same token, is that true for each party.
Breaking the LoC after being endowed can potentially reveal a significant character flaw.  It's not about forgiveness, it's about understanding who the person is.  There is already a documented instance where this person did not live up to a commitment and covenant.  Is there a pattern of that (not in the big things-but in the small things in life). If there is, is that the type of person you want to be marriage to? Someone who has a hard time living up to hard commitments?  Are there other things that this individual has done that lead to questions of judgement?  Certainly breaking the LoC after being endowed is a severe lapse in judgment?  Are there other severe lapses in judgement?  And do you want to live with that.
I don't blame anyone or think they are less worthy or less righteous if they just have a simple rule that they won't marry anyone who has broken the LoC.  Because quite frankly, knowing that your potential spouse broke the LoC after attending the temple and after going on a mission-it should cause you to question if they are the right person-b/c it is deeply revealing about the person.  Now, one might have all these questions answered, maybe it was 10 years ago, maybe there is no larger issue about judgement or commitment or anything else and everything is answered satisfactorily.  Everyone can move on and all is good.  Or maybe they aren't answered well and other issues about judgement or character come up and things need to be broken off.
Again it's not about forgiveness, it's about understanding the other person's character and breaking the LoC after a mission and after the temple is deeply revealing about one's character.  Regardless about whether this sister felt lonely or felt she was never going to get married or whatever other reason as to why.  Plenty of other women live their whole lives in complete chastity never able to marry-it is not an unreasonable expectation.  
I'm not advocating for or against marrying someone who broke the LoC-only that a re-evaluation of whether one wants to marry someone who previously broke the LoC is not an unChristlike thing, it's not a moral sin, it's not a "you're so horrible b/c you are doing that", it's a very natural thing that quite frankly probably should happen.  The answer as to whether the marriage should happen or not happen we decide and then take it to the Lord for Him to confirm or deny.

???  Still not what you said
https://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/prepare-to-be-a-missionary?lang=eng
“First, to young men of the Aaronic Priesthood and to you young men who are becoming elders: I repeat what prophets have long taught—that every worthy, able young man should prepare to serve a mission. Missionary service is a priesthood duty—an obligation the Lord expects of us who have been given so very much."
No recession.  All worthy able young men are to serve missions.  If they aren't worthy-they are to get worthy.  Able-means those who are physically, mentally and emotionally able.  No difference now vs. 20 years ago-only a little more strict now on what "able" means.
 

The church teaches us to treat people with kindness and offer help to those in need, and that is right and good, but sadly there is a large number of members who misunderstand the message and think the church is calling for open boarders and no security screening of people trying to claim refugee status.  It's understandable since those who do call for such policies cloak them in similar language, but that is not the position of the church.

This is untrue. Young men are just as obligated to serve a mission now as at any time in the past. Not sure where you got the idea otherwise, but you're mistaken.

One of the unfortunate facets of LDS culture, I think (and it probably derives from the Victorian culture in which Mormonism originated) is that we look at chastity/virginity as a gift we give to our spouses.
If that paradigm works for you--okay, then.  But in my view chastity is, in point of fact, a gift we give to God.  If I'm looking at our own past compliance with the LoC primarily as an ordeal, rather than as a sacrifice that brought tangible and enumerable blessings; then I really haven't caught the vision of it, and that may suggest that my interest in my (future) spouse's chastity is based more in some kind of sense of proprietary entitlement over her "virginity" than in some deeply spiritual commitment and shared blessing.  Obviously, I need to know about any kids or STDs or emotional issues resulting from past sexual history; because those may present ongoing challenges through the marriage that directly affect me.  But is my wife's status before God, not the status of her hymen, that concerns me most.  Ideally I should have a testimony of the Law of Chastity (and be able to impart that testimony to my children) independently of what my wife has or hasn't done  
(And, by the way--for what it's worth, when Just_A_Girl and I got married, she had just had the Depro Provera birth control shot.  One side effect of it, for her, was that she menstruated continually for the first two years of our marriage.  So, don't over-emphasize the sex thing; because you really don't know what factors might completely upend your expectations.)
Like others have said, I think it's awesome that she's been this candid with you; and I think you've presented some very commendable insights here.  I don't think less of you if you can't get beyond her past; and you shouldn't feel guilted into continuing with a relationship you know you aren't up to.  There is no "right" or "wrong" in setting standards for a marital partner (you think you want to marry a redhead, or someone who's 5'10", or who has a PhD, or whose legs aren't hairier than yours?  Knock yourself out!).  There is only realistic and unrealistic--or, as BYU economics professor James Kearl liked to (jokingly) say to his students, your chances of finding someone better if you walk away from the marital prospect currently before you.
 And I agree with you that she has a right to a spouse who can move past this issue.  On the other hand--bear in mind, she chose you.  So it strikes me that the question before you is whether you're willing to try to work through this; and whether she's willing to be patient with you as you do.  Frankly, from what you said in your OP--it sounds like she might be worth it?

If by "she is worthy of your love" you mean "you should marry her", then you are wrong. My wife is worthy of his love, too, but he's not going to marry her.
Your second sentence above is simply wrong. The question is not whether he is worthy of her. The question is whether he should follow through and marry her despite her previous sin of openly transgressing the law of chastity. And despite what you seem to be implying, that is not a question with an obvious answer.

This is completely, utterly, and in all ways wholly false.
You don't have to marry someone to forgive them.

LDMarriage and I have had plenty of disagreements, but on this we agree 110%.  Last year you posted on a similar topic.
In that you posted the following
"46 percent of mothers in the U.S. feel more stressed out by their husbands than their children, according to a new survey.A poll of over 7,000 mothers across the country, conducted by Today Moms, found that because of different parenting views, a lack of help with household duties, and the typical pressures of marriage, many mothers feel that their husbands are just another child to take care of. What's more, the average mother reported her stress level overall at a whopping 8.5 out of ten."
and mentioned that your husband is looking at inappropriate videos (pornography, if not outright nudity-close to it).
What you husband is doing using pornography is wrong.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  At the same time, there is a huge difference between what the world teaches a family should look like and the way God wants the family to be.  And your quote above illustrates a significant portion of the problem.  For some reason in today's society women are told and society emphasizes that as soon as a woman becomes a mother that all her focus, energy, desires, hopes, dreams, wishes, etc. should be put towards being a "good mom" . . .and at the same time she should also be working and at the same time she should be "mother-hen" to her husband.
If you look, my guess is that a significant portion of your troubles either started or significantly increased after having children. There is a reason for this.  Except for the period of time where a baby needs their mother on a consistent basis (approx 1st year). The most important person in the family is your spouse; if that is not the case-you are doing it wrong.  Also recognize that your husband is a fully formed adult able to make his own personal decisions.  If you are trying to control the personal decisions he is making-you are doing it wrong. You can counsel, give guidance (like honey, I'd love for you to be at church today, but I understand if you don't come), but when you try to control-you are doing it wrong.  Your husband needs your understanding and your compassion, not someone who picks on him and tells him everything he is doing wrong.  Giving understanding to you husband isn't conceding to the least bit you agree with his decisions-but just that you recognize that he has different factors, stressors, life experiences that has brought him to this point and that he his choosing this path.  You do't have to like it, you don't have to agree with it-but you do need to support him as the priesthood head of the family.
You have great concern for your children and that is good.  One of the secrets I've learned in my life is that the best thing I can do for my children to raise them right is to show them that I love my spouse.  That she is more important than they are, that they (my children) are appendages to my marriage-it existed before they were here and will exist after they leave.  That no matter the trials and struggles (and yes marriage is probably one of the hardest things a person will do), it will survive and thrive.  This teaching provides children the best stable foundation for them to develop and grow into adults.  
Divorce is absolutely devastating on society-it is a scourge and a blight. It is my opinion that everything we are dealing with now as a society directly comes from the acceptance and commonality of divorce.  Children of divorce will have more mental health issues, more confidence issues, more problems in life than those that do not come from divorce.  Sometimes divorce is necessary (adultery or abuse) simply because the action causes such damage that it is very hard to repair.  Otherwise Christ and the prophets have taught we are to endure and make it work.  
We don't get a mulligan or a do-over b/c when the going gets tough we murmur, complain, or wonder if we'd made a mistake. What God asks us to do in those instance where our marriage becomes very tough is to become more Christlike.  He challenges us to learn how to emulate our Savior more, how to be more compassionate, more understanding, more willing to forgive our spouse's fault.
For your marriage to work, you have to eliminate all the outs-completely banish from your mind any thoughts of divorce or separation. Only consider those options if your husband either commits adultery or abuse.  Then work to love him as Christ loves him; do not force him to repent or go to church, set the example, honor your husband and eventually things will get better.  And yes, things will get better. 
 

Ditto to everything Zil said. What I say below is with the assumption that there is no abuse or mistreatment of yourself or the kids, he just isn't living church standards. 
I trust that before you got married, you prayed and felt that this was the right thing to do.  God knew things would turn out like this when he gave you confirmation, and just because it hasn't turned out the way you want doesn't mean that you made a mistake.  That is a dangerous and destructive thought.
It may be that there is something God wants you to learn from this, or something he wants you to overcome.  This may be him putting you through a refining fire to purify your soul.  It may be that you are there to be his guide and example and help him make it back onto a gospel path.  You may have even promised to do that for him in the pre-existance for all you know.  Don't try to push him to do what you want him to do, instead talk with God about what He wants you to do. 
This might not make sense to you now, but your relationship with your husband is more important than if your husband is doing the right things or not.  Honor and praise him for the good things he does, teach your children to respect him as the head of the home, do not withhold love and affection and intimacy because he isn't a faithful Mormon.  Feeling nagged, pressured, judged, rejected, etc. will be a big barrier to him coming back.  Feeling loved, accepted and respected will open his heart and make it easier for him to come back.  No matter how unrealistic the idea of him coming back seems now, it is not hopeless.  Pray for him, keep the door open but don't try to push him through it.  You are not alone, you have the Bishop, his quorum and quorum presidency, your HTs
Also, Elder Uchtdorf is not going to be the next prophet.  The next President of the church will be the apostle who has been serving in the 12 the longest, and right now that is Elder Russel M. Nelson.  Elder Oaks is next in line after him and there are 3 more after him before you get to Elder Uchtdorf.  There is no way to know if he will ever be the President of the Church, but if so it will be a very long time in the future.  I assume by 'political' he means what Elder Uchtdorf has said about refugees.  He has not said anything about what government policy should be, he as only encouraged compassion and service towards those in need.  I know a lot of people read more into that then they should in this political climate.

Seeing a Mormon apostle in real life is not an experience one easily forgets. Spending a weekend with one is downright mind blowing. That’s what I was asked to do earlier this year. I had been interning as a lowly BYU student with the Church’s Public Affairs Department in the Pacific Area, based in Auckland, New Zealand. An apostle (along with a few other General Authorities) was scheduled to make a trip to Tonga, and I was asked to be part of his entourage to cover the trip for Mormon Newsroom Pacific. Latter-day Saint temple in Nuku'alofa, Tonga. What an opportunity, right? Needless to say, I was excited. We’ve all read about prophets of God in the scriptures—we’ve heard them speak at General Conference, but I was going to have the opportunity to get a little peek at the behind-the-scenes action. The day-to-day stuff. I was going to see what happens after the meetings. I got a special glimpse at the life of an apostle, and I want to share some of...
View the full article

Thanks for this.

Gazing,
Look man, you are choosing an eternal companion, a mate for the rest of your life. Maybe you should break it off, maybe not.  Only God knows the answer to that question.  Don't beat yourself up in the least bit b/c you feel saddened, heartbroken, etc. by what this young woman has done previously.  Sexual relationships outside of marriage is a big deal. It is quite despicable that in today's society more people can't seem to realize fornication and the seriousness of that sin.  Popular culture, media, etc. all makes it seem like it is no big deal and that is rubbish.  It is a big deal-certainly a big enough deal that yes it can cause the re-evaluation of marriage prospects.  
Besides the obvious problems, if this young lady has had multiple sexual encounters, then does she have any STDs? As someone said in another thread, actions have consequences.  
If I can give you any advice in marriage, it is this and the #1 thing I will tell my children-under no circumstance be unequally yolked with your spouse. It is up to you to determine what unequally yolked means.

You are wrong.  There is nothing wrong with making that a requirement, just like I don't want to marry someone who has done drugs in the past. I don't want to marry someone who went to jail in the past.  Absolutely nothing wrong with making it a requirement.
Really?? (one the 2nd bold) Please give me a break. He suitable for her, he worthy of her?? Talk about turning things completely upside down. It's the reverse. She is the one who demonstrated by actions that at one point in her life she was not faithful to her covenants, not him.  

Completely 100%.  I have said previously we are required to forgive and forget.  But that forgetting, might just mean we don't have that person in our lives-i.e. we move on from them.
There is the modern idea in church culture that with sex outside of marriage is bad, but that as long as one repents it shouldn't be a factor in a marriage decision-hogwash.
I can come up with plenty of scenarios like that.  
What about a guy who did marijuana and cocaine, and who has now fully repented? Should those prior actions not be taken into account in a marriage decision.
What if the girl had an abortion? Should that not be factored into the marriage decision?
We can play this game all day long, but the truth is that yes actions have consequences and one is choosing an eternal companion to stick by and through thick and thin for the rest of your life and eternity.  One is not expecting a spouse to be perfect (no one is), but there better be a long gap between serious sins.  If it is like well I screwed around with my previous boyfriend a year ago, but I've been to my Bishop I have repented, I'm truly sorry-watch out.  If it was well, you know when I was 16 I was really dumb and messed around with only one guy, I'm now 22 I'm a totally different person now . . .okay maybe.
Actions have consequences.  And if I'm looking for an eternal companion one of the biggest factors is going to be their judgement.  Screwing around with multiple boyfriends shows a severe lack of judgement.  Sure they can repent and be fully forgiven-but that still doesn't negate the fact that they have a severe lack of judgement.  So yeah, I'm going to start having some serious questions about whether this is the right thing to do given their lack of judgement.

Gazing,
Look man, you are choosing an eternal companion, a mate for the rest of your life. Maybe you should break it off, maybe not.  Only God knows the answer to that question.  Don't beat yourself up in the least bit b/c you feel saddened, heartbroken, etc. by what this young woman has done previously.  Sexual relationships outside of marriage is a big deal. It is quite despicable that in today's society more people can't seem to realize fornication and the seriousness of that sin.  Popular culture, media, etc. all makes it seem like it is no big deal and that is rubbish.  It is a big deal-certainly a big enough deal that yes it can cause the re-evaluation of marriage prospects.  
Besides the obvious problems, if this young lady has had multiple sexual encounters, then does she have any STDs? As someone said in another thread, actions have consequences.  
If I can give you any advice in marriage, it is this and the #1 thing I will tell my children-under no circumstance be unequally yolked with your spouse. It is up to you to determine what unequally yolked means.

She is clean in God's eyes, but let's not kid ourselves, having sexual relations changes an individual.  Call it "used chewing gum" (I don't like the analogy) call it whatever you want but there is a reason why God commanded men and women to remain pure and chaste prior to marriage.  I find it despicable that members of the Church would do what they can do make a young man who has lived his life worthily (something to be commended for and honored) feel bad b/c he his having second thoughts b/c his potential spouse did not live like that.
What a sick society we live in.

This is total hogwash.  Are you worthy of her?  Give me a break. What is wrong with this world?  In today's society we castigate the individual who desires for, wants a pure, virtuous wife, who has lived her life as such and is heartbroken when he finds out that his potential mate fornicated prior to marriage.  
And he is the one who is unworthy?  Please, what utter complete rubbish, garbage and hogwash. 
 

One of the Apostles once taught STTE of prior to marriage have your eyes wide open and then after marriage half shut.  This is the time to have your eyes wide open.
@Gazing at essence Personally, I think it is crap that she told you this over the phone, it is the cowards way out-it's better than text, but not by much.  Some things in life are things that must be done in person.  But then again, the older I get the more old-fashioned I get, probably b/c the older I get the more wisdom I find in how people thought 60+ years ago. Breaking up using text messages is just an anethma to me-why? I don't understand.
I don't know what you should do, only God knows that-but please my young friend do not beat yourself up thinking you need to be a better man over this, or that you are prideful or immature in having these concerns.  The world would have you think that you are, but you aren't.  
Part of my directness, is the fact that as a father, I have learned many, many important lessons.  Part of that learning is that there is a balance that must be struck between justice, mercy, love, discipline.  It is my opinion that the world has gone too far in the direction of what the world would term "love and mercy".  In other words, everything is just a big "oops", I'm sorry it's no big deal I won't do it again-with very little remorse, or with the idea that all I need to do is say sorry and everything can be as it was.
It is a hard lesson to learn in life, but sometimes there is no going back-sometimes the feathers get ripped out of the pillows and no matter how hard you try to put them back in-you will always miss a feather. Actions have consequences and sometimes very serious ones-the can cost us a potential spouse, a job, a career, etc.
The amazing thing about the Atonement is that even if a sin causes us to miss an opportunity in life due to our actions and consequences, God will provide a way to make a miracle in our life. Jesus Christ came through the lineage of Bethsheba, how much more proof do we need than that to understand that for the truly penitent, another path opens up, and God is able to work through us to accomplish something very, very good.
 

The only way she will truly know she is forgiven is to feel the peace from God. You can say it, the Bishop can say it, but only God can give it to her-only He can heal her-not you. You can certainly help-but only God can give it. 
If you go into the marriage thinking only you can save her-you are setting yourself up to be unequally yolked.
You cannot save your spouse-they have to save themselves through Christ's atoning blood.  Salvation is an individual matter, no one can do it for you.  If you try to do it for her-it will fail.

Oh I missed that, my fault.  Still . . .Skype??
Different countries?  Unless its a very similar country, another cautionary signal.  Clashes of different cultures can easily lead to being unequally yolked.

This would give me great, great pause.  Fornicating after a mission . . . 

I do love this Jane-very well said.