So I didn't know he had a porn problem. He didn't tell me. Most guys don't right? So we get married, have our 1st child 11 months later, and go on our happy way, or so I thought. No internet back then, so everything was magazines. By this time (I did find out later) he had a porn addiction for about 10 years, started when he was 14 when he found a magazine on the side of their road. And we all know now how porn can lead up to other problems. He worked at the mall while attending college. I worked also, sometimes at that mall, and sometimes at the other mall (part-time for both). He met "it" and was determined that we (it and me) become friends. I would say hi occasionally, but friendship wasn't there. I didn't know anything was going on. He just told me "it went to the same high school as you, and has a kid the same age as ours." So you know... guilt must have ate him alive because soon after he told me that he had kissed another woman. I didn't even think it was "it" but I was thinking of some other woman around the mall who I would see talking to him sometime. Sometime later but less than 2 years, he told me it was "it" and of course I was upset, humiliated. But I stayed. He promise it would never happen again.
We move, and eventually we got internet (1996) and I became pregnant again. I would find a few things here and there on the computer, but again, who heard of internet porn fueling the addiction at that time? I hadn't. In fact, first "porn" talk I ever remember hearing was the one by Elder Oaks in April 2005.
When I was then pregnant with #4 in 1998 (we had 3 in 3 1/2 years), he wanted to take a trip with 3 female co-workers for 2-3 days, 4 hrs away, while I stayed home with the 3 kids and pregnant. I wasn't allowed to go. I cried, and insisted he didn't go. The excuse he gave these 3 women was "I was not allowing him." It was all my fault I had ruined his trip.
In 2001, I was pregnant again (and up until this time, I thought everything had been resolved... ya, nieve!). In May I went to my brother's wedding. I had to fly there. Went with my parents and 2 brothers. I had already suspected a few things, but maybe I was just being insecured again because of being pregnant. I get home, and within a few days I had discovered emails after emails with another female co-worker. I discovered saved websites, saved movies. I ONLY found all this when I went to listen to a song mediaplayer (?) and a porn movie popped up. Then my mind was flooded with all the late nights he was doing, closing the hallway door, very secretive with things, wouldn't do things with me or my family when they came to visit. When I found the emails he was at work. I was the good wife and after cooking the kids dinner, I would always take a plate of food to him on his break. I went up there, and the minute I see him I start crying and quietly yelling at him. He was telling me to shut up, and to stop, etc... HUGE fight for weeks. I wanted him to leave but I was scared. My self-esteem was so low that I didn't couldn't even cope. Who was I suppose to tell? I was so upset. I was pregnant with the 5th, and no college degree. I felt I was stuck. When #5 was born, bishop wouldn't allow him to bless her. (back up a bit... he had spoken to bishop when we first moved to this ward, this was now a new bishop, who he had gone in before, but I guess he felt he wasn't ready yet... at one time he didn't take the sacrament, but at this time he already was). So here is his family, my family and HE is the only one not in the circle and our 12 year old son wanted to know why. I don't know what he told him. I cried.
After that he started going back to bishop, and then we got a new bishop. He always went to church when he wasn't working (he worked like 1 Sunday every 5-6 weeks, so he was always at church), taught Elders Quorum. He was a changed person. Really, for the 1st time in 10 years, I saw a changed person. And haha- we had #6. And I still thought everything was good. Until when #6 was about a year old or so. And then it must have started again because I remember that Elder Oaks talk then, and he looked at me and gave me this sheepish grin. And then my last brother was getting married at the end of April, and I again flew out with my parents and brothers. And this is how it went:
Just before I left, like hours before I left, he tells me that XXX needed some help with her computer, and he was going to go over to help her. I said: No, you have 6 kids at home, and it'll be dinner time, and NO! Not until I get back and I can go with you. He said whatever. He drops me off at airport, and takes kids home (oldest is 14) and leaves. I called kids after I landed at first airport. He wasn't home yet. I call his cell phone (no texting on our plan then) and he wouldn't answer. I called again and again. No answer. I call the kids. Tell our oldest to call his phone. No answer. I tell kids to fix some mac & cheese, and to continue calling, which I also did. I boarded the plane and call from plane before take off... he wouldn't answer, nor was he home now 3 hrs later. I finally land, and I turn on my phone. I call home and he answers. Well, let's just say we had a blow up for the next few hours, which was 2am where he was. He never admitted to me that anything happened.
I get home, and everything was so crazy because the day I was out at the wedding, he was offered a new job close to his parents house, and that meant we were to be moving in 6 weeks and I needed to get the house sold, etc... I thought since we were going to be next to his parents everything now was going to be good, etc...
We moved up. I honestly never worried again. I would fine a few porn things on the computer and I would approach him about it and he told me he was sorry, etc... Hell, even had another (and final) baby. I let everything be in the past. Until January 2009 when I was paying the cell phone bill, and noticed that he had as many texts as our 18 year old son. Hmmmmmm... go to check, and sure enough! Even 2 months back, before Thanksgiving even, same phone number!! And then I remember... his phone became secretive again, and he never wanted to do anything with me. Not even Christmas shop for our 7 kids. I didn't even get a Christmas present from him. I let it slide, still not thinking anything. He had to work Christmas Day and the next few days, so kids and I went to my parents house on Christmas Day. We text some throughout the day. That night I called him, and at 10p he said he was tired and going to bed. I looked on the phone bill for Christmas Day, and sure enough he was texting her until 1am!!
I texted her. I told her I didn't appreciate it.
He called me. It wasn't nice.
He still continued until one night weeks later I said something again about it because again I paid the bill and saw her number again many times. He took a hammer and smashed his phone right then, and asked if I was happy now that I made him do that?
I was.
But now it's on-line porn again. In the past he had sign-up on free porn websites. He would save them. I would see on some that you had to have a member ID. I would request it again from his email and it would send me all the info. I would go in, and see that he would put that he was single, looking for a great time especially on the swingers site. But I haven't see any of that lately.
I asked him to show me how to add a password, he told me he would, but hasn't yet. When the HP signs on, 2 sign-on icons pop up. One for the family, and one for him. I have his password. I insisted. I have looked to see how to change the password, but I haven't figured it out yet.
If the porn was not an issue, he is a great person besides that. He does work hard to provide for us, loves his kids.
BUT JUST as I am typing this... does he really love us and his kids? I guess he can, and still have an addiction. It's a sickness. I don't want to make any excuses for him. Many times I want to leave. I want to end it all. Whenever he knows I am upset about this the first thing he says is "then leave if you don't like it." SO WHY HAVEN'T I? Am I just much of a loser as he is? I think scared is what it is. I would have strong support from my family.
He had been to our current bishop. Current bishop told him to go to the new addiction class. He went once. He says it's stupid and they can't babysit him forever, and that he will do this forever so I might as well get used to it.
22 years I have been a miserable failure at allowing this. For many years I didn't know how serious it was until now, and now I am afraid. YES, I HAVE LET MYSELF DOWN AND MY CHILDREN DOWN. I know this. Do I still love him? If you take away the porn, yes. But since it's never going to go away, it's hard. I can't trust him. I don't love what he does.
Our 2nd eldest is 16. I don't want my kids to have a broken home. I am very sad, depressed and lonely.
