I've been married for 4 years. We met when I was a freshmen in college at age 18 and he was 21. He was my first love. Our problems started little by little. The first real eye opener began on our honeymoon. We lost our luggage on our way to our Cancun beach resort so it all started off with a huge bummer. My husband did not take it well. He became very depressed and just sat in our hotel room most of the time and he was just very cold to me. I cared that our luggage was stolen but I didn't matter more than the opportunity we had to spend time together on the warm beaches I tried to encourage him to get out of the room. We were there for 5 days and it wasn't until two days in that his mood started to change. I'ts always been a sad memory for me.
Within the first 3 months I found out he was addicted to pornography and had huge doubts about the church so I would was going to church alone every week most of the time with tears in my eyes because I saw my dream of a righteous husabnd and a happy family being taken away from me. I felt totally betrayed and hurt and a thousand other feelings I had never experienced before. In the beginning he told me he wanted to overcome the problem and wanted to be a better member of the church but he mostly just talked about it. When it came down to doing these things he would come up with an excuse to not do them. For example he consistently would complain about his back hurting that he could not go to church, I believe he did have pain but his back but it only held him back from going to church or something he didn't want to do. I saw right through that and it made me angry. At one time he told me that he had stopped with the pornography. But later he confessed that he had lied to me. This has been a constant thing. When I talk about it with him he mostly told me what he knew I wanted from him. Like" I've been doing better" "I want to change so we can be happy". This last week I asked him how he was doing. (this is never easy for me) He was very open to me that he doesn't think giving up pornography is going to make anything better for him or for me. I told him that most of my disappointment and sadness in our marriage comes from that and that I think he could be happier if he gives it up. But he became defensive and told me I didn't know how it affects him or what he would feel without it and we got into a fight.
Along with the pornography he constantly shuts me out and ignores me when we have an argument. Gets upset about the smallest thing I do wrong, rarely has a positive attitude, is not very open with me, never plans anything with me, he ignores his family and I have to struggle to get him to participate in activities with my family. He's seen a therapist once but has not gone back and he refuses to take any medication.
I don't think things are ever going to change because he seems as though he already has his mind made up. I want a worthy priesthood holder in our home, I want someone to be with me during church and share the same values as I do. I want someone who will be able to find the good in things in life. I was a happy person who never felt depressed before we were married. Now I feel like I'm in a dark hole with no way out and I struggle every day to keep it together.
As much pain as I have I still do love my husband and I want to help him. But I don't know if it is enough love right now to make things work. I am completely exhausted with this relationship a lot of the time I think I want to get a divorce. But then I think that there has got to be some way to change this and I don't want to give up on him. Anyone have any suggestions that could help me?