Losthurtandconfused

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  1. It really does help to know that others are going or have gone through similar situations. I am not glad to know that anyone else has gone through this, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone, which is a feeling I’ve become very familiar with for a lot of years now. So, a very sincere THANK YOU to all of you that have commiserated, shared experiences and feelings of such a personal nature and offered advice. One thing that I want to express… I’m not talking about just “sex” – that word cheapens it. I’m talking about the deepest levels of love and connection that a husband and wife could ever have with each other, at least as far as I’ve ever known. It truly is a spiritual experience for me, or use to be. Not in the sense that the Holy Spirit is present (I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around that one - not that what is occurring between husband and wife is wrong, just that it is intensely personal and intimate) but spiritual in the sense that the connection is so much deeper than just the physical. I’m not looking to go back to newlywed levels of physical activity – I’m not chasing the ghost of an adolescent’s unrealistic, idealized vision of sex life. I quite honestly couldn’t even keep up to our newlywed pace anymore. And I don’t think I’m being overly sensitive about the problem. It's difficult sometimes though, inspite of this, not to feel like some kind of a pervert addict when discussing the issue here. I have to remind myself that is not the case, and we have never done anything that would violate or Temple covenants or anything at all like that. The inappropriate and darker aspects of “sex” just are not, nor ever have been a part of our lives or our situation, if that makes sense. I can also understand a person not being in the mood, etc. I literally took a LOT of rejection for years before I notified my wife that the ball will just have to be in her court. I think it would be painful for anyone to experience what I have, and I'm willing to bet a marriage ender for many. I have been very patient, actually, which even my wife has acknowledged a time or two. I really try to do most of the suggestions many have made, and always have. I’m not perfect, of course. I make mistakes and if my wife comes to me with a concern I do my best to listen to her, try to understand her perspective (validate her feelings), and try to change. I apologize for my mistakes, and try to make reparation. She always thanks me for how I handle these situations, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to take any constructive criticism, no matter how I try to present it. By the way, I am a pretty easy going person; definitely not a nit-picker. In terms of discussing it (at least the intimacy side of things) with the Bishop… as good as a Bishop as he is, he isn’t a very “feeling” kind of person. Additionally, I’m in the Bishopric (you thought the Bishopric had perfect lives, didn’t you?), and don’t think I can discuss this with a man that I’ve worked so closely with. That may sound weird, and maybe it’s just me, but that’s the way it is for now, unfortunately. PV2004, your thoughts are striking chords with me. My wife and your ex do sound very similar. My wife did have an emotionally difficult childhood, and grew up with a lot of insecurity. She has been fearful of losing me since before we were married, thinking that she doesn’t deserve me. You didn’t state this about your ex, but my wife often has unrealistic expectations. I can see that maybe she is struggling to figure out who she is. I’ve often wondered if she suddenly felt guilty for the physical aspects of intimacy because of the nearly overnight change in her attitude towards it and willingness to engage in it (I have no doubt in my mind that we were on the "same page" for the first year or so of our marriage). I don’t know for sure what happened because it’s one of the topics that she has a very difficult time discussing. I do have to be very careful about how I word things, and even comments on seemingly completely unrelated topics are somehow twisted in her mind to be about her. I don’t remember the comment I made, but just a few weeks ago I said something that had nothing to do with “us”, and she thought that I didn’t love her anymore. We talked about it and I finally was able to make her understand what my comment really was about. Then I asked her how that one comment, as she originally understood it, could make her doubt the more than 15 years of words, actions, and deeds expressing my love to her. She couldn’t answer the question, but acknowledge that it did indeed make her doubt my love. I'm still bewildered about that. Though I’m sure it was still very difficult, I imagine it was somewhat easier to tell your ex that she needed help after your separated – the relationship is already against the ropes at that point (please forgive me if I am trivializing it – I don’t mean to). Looking back though, have you thought of a way that you could have approached her before separation? As I mentioned in my original post, the couple of times I’ve been able to broach the subject of counseling have not gone well.
  2. Please forgive me if this is too sensetive a subject, or if I am not posting it in the appropriate place. Maybe it's not appropriate subject matter to post at all, I don't know. My question is: why am I posting this in a public forum? I really don't know. I don't know how I can possibly explain the complexity of the situation here. I guess I'm hoping that getting it off my chest will somehow be theraputic. I guess I'm hoping that what I'm going through will echo with someone else, and I'll find out that I'm not alone. Maybe someone has figured out what to do. My wife and I have been married for several years. At one time, we had the best marriage of anyone I knew. For years now its felt more like a domestic partnership instead. There are 4 or 5 issues, but it can all be boiled down to two things for me: 1) I grew up LDS, and so had the ideal and personal conviction that physical relations were to be saved for marriage. I struggled with staying chaste, but was able to do so. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with, and I am so grateful this is the case. I just assumed all my growing up years that my eventual wife would be on the same page, and my efforts to stay clean would be rewarded with a wonderful active sex life (ladies, I am willing to bet that the majority of your husband’s thought the same thing). Understand, I know what is right and wrong, I know what is moral and what's not, I understand what is appropriate with the covenants we have made and what isn't, etc. None of this is a problem. The problem is that for the first year or so of marriage the intimacy was just what I had expected it to be, and actually FAR more, as I found that marital physical relations were not just sex, but actually a beautiful intimacy that always made me feel so close to her, so safe, and such a sense of belonging. Intimacy is not what we were all about of course, but an important part of newlywed life. We had balance in our lives. But now, after years of rejecting my advances, I have just given up. I couldn't handle the hurt of it anymore. And on the very rare occasion that we are physical in the bedroom, it’s just not emotionally the same. My wife knows that I am always ready, willing and able, and she has no idea what it's like to be rejected even once, let alone rejected repeatedly. I guess, I wouldn't want to be with a partner not emotionally into it either though. That takes away the very best part of intimacy, and that closeness; that complete giving of one's self that makes that special bond possible. Without the physical OR emotional needs being met, I've found that it can make me angry and aggressive. I put forth great effort to not be that way towards my wife and children (though I am from time to time - no abuse or anything like that, just short temperedness and impatience). Though I know it’s not "healthy", if I could completely kill my need for intimacy, I would. This intimacy problem could maybe be worked on, but for problem number 2. 2) My wife takes EVERYTHING very very personally, making communication extremely difficult! The other day I told my 4 year old that our home is not a peaceful place at all when he screams (he screams A LOT, for plethora of reasons!). My wife took that as a derogatory reflection on her parenting skills. It upset her for hours. She has always been sensitive, but not nearly THIS sensitive. In the past I have tried to lovingly address issues here and there with her, but it always blew up out of proportion, and essentially no change was ever made. After a short time it’s like we never had the discussion, everything was back to the way it was before, and we went through all of it for nothing. After getting this same result time after time after time, I am hesitant to bring up anything anymore. I am too beat down, and it doesn't seem to make a difference anyway. Counseling... yes, she needs it (and I probably do too), but she is completely unwilling to go. She thinks counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists/etc. are all crazy and she has no faith that any of them could help her (we've talked about her going to address some other issues, not the two above specifically). I love my wife dearly and I believe that we will be happy in the eternities. Plus, having gone through what I did when my dad left (I was 7), I will NOT do that to my kids. I could never imagine living without them, or my wife for that matter. So, leaving and cheating are just not options. So, from my perspective, that puts me in what seems an unsolvable conundrum. Basically, life is about enduring to the end, or so it feels. Isn't that what people who are old and just about to die are supposed to do? Suffer through and not lose faith? I'm in my late 30's. I presumably have a long way ahead of me. I don’t know what to do.