Please forgive me if this is too sensetive a subject, or if I am not posting it in the appropriate place. Maybe it's not appropriate subject matter to post at all, I don't know.
My question is: why am I posting this in a public forum? I really don't know. I don't know how I can possibly explain the complexity of the situation here. I guess I'm hoping that getting it off my chest will somehow be theraputic. I guess I'm hoping that what I'm going through will echo with someone else, and I'll find out that I'm not alone. Maybe someone has figured out what to do.
My wife and I have been married for several years. At one time, we had the best marriage of anyone I knew. For years now its felt more like a domestic partnership instead. There are 4 or 5 issues, but it can all be boiled down to two things for me:
1) I grew up LDS, and so had the ideal and personal conviction that physical relations were to be saved for marriage. I struggled with staying chaste, but was able to do so. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with, and I am so grateful this is the case. I just assumed all my growing up years that my eventual wife would be on the same page, and my efforts to stay clean would be rewarded with a wonderful active sex life (ladies, I am willing to bet that the majority of your husband’s thought the same thing). Understand, I know what is right and wrong, I know what is moral and what's not, I understand what is appropriate with the covenants we have made and what isn't, etc. None of this is a problem. The problem is that for the first year or so of marriage the intimacy was just what I had expected it to be, and actually FAR more, as I found that marital physical relations were not just sex, but actually a beautiful intimacy that always made me feel so close to her, so safe, and such a sense of belonging. Intimacy is not what we were all about of course, but an important part of newlywed life. We had balance in our lives. But now, after years of rejecting my advances, I have just given up. I couldn't handle the hurt of it anymore. And on the very rare occasion that we are physical in the bedroom, it’s just not emotionally the same. My wife knows that I am always ready, willing and able, and she has no idea what it's like to be rejected even once, let alone rejected repeatedly. I guess, I wouldn't want to be with a partner not emotionally into it either though. That takes away the very best part of intimacy, and that closeness; that complete giving of one's self that makes that special bond possible. Without the physical OR emotional needs being met, I've found that it can make me angry and aggressive. I put forth great effort to not be that way towards my wife and children (though I am from time to time - no abuse or anything like that, just short temperedness and impatience). Though I know it’s not "healthy", if I could completely kill my need for intimacy, I would. This intimacy problem could maybe be worked on, but for problem number 2.
2) My wife takes EVERYTHING very very personally, making communication extremely difficult! The other day I told my 4 year old that our home is not a peaceful place at all when he screams (he screams A LOT, for plethora of reasons!). My wife took that as a derogatory reflection on her parenting skills. It upset her for hours. She has always been sensitive, but not nearly THIS sensitive. In the past I have tried to lovingly address issues here and there with her, but it always blew up out of proportion, and essentially no change was ever made. After a short time it’s like we never had the discussion, everything was back to the way it was before, and we went through all of it for nothing. After getting this same result time after time after time, I am hesitant to bring up anything anymore. I am too beat down, and it doesn't seem to make a difference anyway.
Counseling... yes, she needs it (and I probably do too), but she is completely unwilling to go. She thinks counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists/etc. are all crazy and she has no faith that any of them could help her (we've talked about her going to address some other issues, not the two above specifically).
I love my wife dearly and I believe that we will be happy in the eternities. Plus, having gone through what I did when my dad left (I was 7), I will NOT do that to my kids. I could never imagine living without them, or my wife for that matter. So, leaving and cheating are just not options. So, from my perspective, that puts me in what seems an unsolvable conundrum. Basically, life is about enduring to the end, or so it feels. Isn't that what people who are old and just about to die are supposed to do? Suffer through and not lose faith? I'm in my late 30's. I presumably have a long way ahead of me. I don’t know what to do.