kimzirker

Do you feel trapped? Have you talked with any of your friends or family about what's been happening? First things first-you are not the keeper of his secrets. It doesn't help him either. It's called accountability. You need to talk to someone because you need support. Nothing helps fix a situation more than truth. You'll make yourself crazy searching his phones, reading his emails, verifying his whereabouts and charges. (Been there, done that) You'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and checking up on him. And thts not your job. There's no amount of babysitting you can do to make him sorry and want to change. He has to choose that. And he has not chosen it. So talk to someone-maybe just a counselor at first, but I'd encourage you to Talk to a close friend or family member. Also, are you employed outside the home? It might be a good time to start working on getting an education if you don't already have one. I wish you the best and remember that the choices you make here are setting an example for your children to follow.

Thanks for the reply. Yes we have had counseling. Couple and individual. I'm still getting counseling. He is not. Yes we've talked with the bishop. Together and apart. At this point I don't really feel it's necessary to pray about my choice to divorce (brutal honesty). But that's not to say I haven't prayed about it. There's no way to possibly share all the tiny facets of our lives over the past 19 years or really to explain all the reasons why it's the right choice. But a quick sum up is he's an alcoholic, emotionally/psychologically abusive, adulterous husband and a not so great father. Nothing clears a room faster than dad walking in. If you've ever intimately known someone who is narcissistic then you will know what I'm talking about there. I'm not really looking for advice on ways or reasons to save the marriage. Been there, done that. I feel like I have literally done every single thing I could. It's hard to do even if you know it's the right choice. It's hard, scary, and sad. And I'm struggling because at least I know what I'm up against in my current situation. The unknown is paralyzingly scary.

I'm scared to pull the plug on my marriage. I know that it's the right choice but I'm just so scared. I supposed it's because of change and uncertainty. My life with my husband has been truly nothing short of hell. Especially for the last couple years. He's bipolar and diagnosed with NPD. He takes meds that help stabilize his moods, but there just aren't enough drugs in the world to keep him from cheating on me. We worked through it once before a couple years ago and just when I start to feel safe and that things are getting better, I get a message from a new girl he'd met on an online dating website. And this was thanksgiving morning. We have 5 children. I guess I'm looking here for advice and support from those who have gone through divorce. He still lives here at home. We get along just fine. He's currently working so hard to be the good doting husband but I've been painfully candid that we are likely getting divorced. The truth is if you didn't live with him you'd totally believe his sincerity, but iI do not. It's not my first rodeo. We've been married 19 years. I know he loves me and I love him as well. But I can't stay married to him. Not after this last two years of crushing heartache just to be right back to the same place. I'm not worried about finances. I have an education and a job. We have enough assets to split and We will both be fine in that regard. It's hard to make the final cut though. It's hard because I still care about him. I believe the word for that is codependence. :) this is too long and I'm not entirely sure it makes any sense. I'd appreciate any helpful advice or words of wisdom or articles or books or websites (not dating ones...lol) or experience you might have to share. How do you get over the fear?

Be smart and don't rush anything. Maybe you two are meant to be together forever. If this is true, then it will still be true a year or two or three from now. It's fun to be young, but please listen to the sound advice you are getting on here. Time is the only thing that can confirm if you are crazy or not. So take that time to find out before you get married because finding out afterwards really, really, REALLY sucks.

Yes misshalfway. This is exactly my dilemma. I'm good at detaching. That's the only reason I'm even sorta sain right now. But i am just so lonely. Even though I have friends, family, a therapist, and an understanding bishop--I feel alone most of the time. That's where I'm stuck right now. I just can't seem to get back to my center. Thank you for understanding that. If you know anything about bipolar/NPD people-it's hard to get them to realize they need help. He did finally realize it and is taking medication. The alcohol negates the effects of the medication and then he decides he is just fine without medication and so on. So it's just one constant circle of confusion. We make progress and then start over, make progress and then start over. I guess I'm feeling defeated and maybe a little too sorry for myself. I really do appreciate the great advice and kind support. :)

I can understand what you guys are saying about the anger. I guess there's a bunch of back story that feeds into that and it's too much to try and write about on here. I'm not upset that he came to me. I told him I was proud of him and that he did the right thing. We had several places to be that night which meant that I then had to attend solo. I feel completely ok being angry. I'm still kind and supportive. I hear what you're saying though and I am trying to feel better. My question is really what role does the non addicted spouse play in order to help. I feel helpless and powerless and hopeless. I want him to overcome it, but it's not my addiction to control. So I'm constantly left wondering what I should do. I don't cover up for him anymore. But I guess I do in a sense. The other night I told our little ones that dad was sleeping because he was sick. I don't think I should make them worry, but then I think that maybe if they knew it would help him. It's all very confusing and I'm constantly second guessing all my decisions. I told everyone that my husband was ill and the truth is that he was so drunk-he couldn't walk. I took the kids with me because I was worried about leaving them alone with him. He called in my oldest child repeatedly and slurred how much he loved him. My child asked me if he was drunk. I said yes. I told my friend the real reason why my husband didn't come. But is it considered covering up because I don't tell everyone? I'm hoping this makes sense to someone.

I do have a therapist and good friends and family that support me. I'm just really confused what role I play here.

No. I'm not sure where I would find ome of those. Can you help? I live in a smaller city-where would I look for that?

Let me start by saying I'm an idiot. I never saw my husbands multiple emotional affairs coming or happening. I never saw his NPD/bipolar disorder diagnosis coming. I never saw that he was an alcoholic. So clearly I'm an idiot. And that's ok. I'm not an idiot anymore so that's a plus. After a long, long process we are mending. Or at least we are on the surface. The hurt I've experienced is deep and I'm trusting in The Lord that pain will heal in time. The reason for this post is to ask for help in dealing with a spouse overcoming addiction. He's an alcoholic. I'm wondering what is my role here? We have 5 children and only the oldest knows about it. Things have been better. He goes on and off to Lds addiction meetings. On Saturday, he was cleaning out the garage and found a 'stash'. Drank so much he couldn't stand. He did something he's never done before and brought me the bottles and confessed it to me. Then went to bed. Now I'm just so angry. I can see it's progress but I just hate it and I can hardly stand being around him. What is my role here? What to say/do? Any positive recommendations would be appreciated. :)

First thing you should know is that you're not alone. May people on this forum, including me, have been through similar senarios in our marriages. Second thing you should know is that he is absolutely in the wrong anytime --no matter how 'less often'--he communicates with any 'crushes'. My personal opinion is that if he were really sorry he would have already sought help for his actions-like talking to the bishop and seeing a counselor. Truth is, if he were really sorry-he'd stop and sever all contact with these women. End of story. You should not delay one more second in seeking counsel from the bishop-even all by yourself if your husband doesn't want to come. You need to talk to somebody. It is not your job to save your husband's reputation. I understand the feelings because that's how I started too. But as time went on I realized that I NEEDED SUPPORT TOO. It's a long, tough road-particularly if your desire is to save the marriage (as is mine). My family was super supportive when I talked to them and told them of how I wanted to proceed in my marriage. (which was a complete surprise) Do not choose to isolate yourself and do not choose to enable his inappropriate behavior by rationalizing it out and pretending it's getting better when he's still contacting her!!!! It's not ok.

Thank you all for your input. I took misshalfway's advice and Took another approach. After much prayer and thought, I changed my attitude and my heart. I went from terrified to peaceful. It feels wonderful. I told him (with complete honest sincerity) that I was proud of him for questioning. I told him it was very mature of him to want to know the truth for himself. Afterall, I seem to recall stories of a certain 14 Yr old boy that did the same thing... The change that happened was immediate. And he was surprised and happy. He could tell I was being real. I told him that nothing he could do would ever change my love for him. (then likened how I have siblings that have left the church and he knows how much I love them.). He tested it out with a few surprising statements and let me just say we've been happy as pie ever since. :) (Not that he's bounding with testimony yet...haha) I think that with all the family trouble we have been having this past year, he just wanted to know that I'd love him no matter what direction he chose regarding religion, schools, career, girlfriends, etc. Great advice on this thread. Thank you all so very much.

To this outsider looking in on this post, I want to say that this is not a very stable, mutually beneficial relationship. It's admirable for you to want to be there for him and do your best to meet his needs when he apparently doesn't feel the same way about you. Sometimes when we want something SO BADLY to be true, we make excuses and alter reality trying to mold things into what we want them to be. (I'm not judging-just speaking from my own experience of pursuing a repair in my marriage and stretching to see signs that he was wanting to do it too. Reality sucks sometimes.) How about finding someone who is willing and able to meet your needs instead? Don't you think you deserve that? You do. You deserve someone who doesn't cease all communication with you without saying the reasons. You deserve better. Do you know that God loves you too and wants YOU to be happy? I don't know all the details and maybe I'm wrong, but I think after months of trying to meet his emotional needs without him communicating back--it might be time to take a step back and take inventory of the situation and try to decide what's real and what's you looking for something to be real. Good luck to you and God bless. :)

Your thoughts have me in tears today. I do know what to do. I'm just so scared of actually doing it.

Thank you Misshalfway. Just what I needed to hear. Well stated and I wholeheartedly agree. Just so hard to see a loved one turn from the one thing that gives you strength. So hard. But ok.

I love that quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it summarizes my thought processes these days. Thinking about divorce is never a fun thing to do. My big question is for those who have gone through it-when did you know it was finally time to let go? I'm terrified at the idea of being a single mom. I've been a stay at home mom my entire 17 1/2 yr marriage. I did just get accepted into nursing school so I'll have a degree with a job in two years. But how do I go to school full time and find a job to work around that schedule (its not a regular schedule) and provide for my 5 children in the meantime? I keep shuffling between sticking it out a few more years until I can be financially independent or getting out now and saving my kids 2 years of having to live with the hell that is their dad. That seems harsh, but it is hell. Everyone avoids him. There's no peace. He's a ticking timebomb at all times. And he's never wrong. (I could go on all day, but hopefully you get the idea) I feel that I've done all I can do. I've tried to get him to therapy (only lasted until the last 3 therapists suggested there might be something wrong with him), encouraged dates, prayers, scriptures, had heart to heart talks, begged, pleaded, encouraged to speak with bishop together.... Spiritual needs vs. temporal needs. Yesterday I decided that it's time. Today I'm going to the temple to pray about it. How I wish my husband would have stayed in therapy, repented, and took this last year as an opportunity to reshape his life. But those aren't my choices. It really hurts though because I truly love him. Now I'm rambling. How did you know that divorce was the right choice? How did you navigate education/children/bills? Any advice or words of encouragement would be most appreciated. :)