[Coping with Depression]

On 12/19/2016 at 6:06 PM, ALostSoul said:

I am an 18 year old member of the church who has struggled with depression for some time. Even though I have had small bouts and shown slight signs of depression in the past, may biggest issues started last year around October when stress from deciding what I would do after high school triggered something that brought major episodes of depression. Since then, it has been a roller coaster with trying to deal with what I am facing. I told my parents and eventually sought a therapist. I recently made an appointment with a psychiatrist and starting in late January, I will be on antidepressants. Throughout all of this, i am going to school and trying to live life as normally as I can. I originally planned to go on a mission, but I decided I would not be able to until I got this under control and now, I honestly don't even want to go on a mission anymore. This whole experience has left me seriously pessimistic and hopeless about the future. I know that the church is true and everything that I have been going through has been a trial I am meant to bare in order to test my faith, but I find the idea of going on like this immensely bleak. I honestly can find no reason for going on in my life and find nothing to bring me joy any more. I even try to date and find things that keep my mind off of my doubts, but nothing has worked. Dating is hard, especially since there are not a lot of Mormon girls in my area. I have run out of ideas and I find myself with so little will to live, I fear that eventually I will wish to take my own life. Up until this point, I have rejected all thoughts about taking my life because I know the pain I would bring my family, but I am afraid that eventually all thought and feeling will give way to the temptation so heavily put upon my head. If anyone can give a word of advice or help me in the direction to finding a purpose, I would be very grateful.

Hello ALostSoul, I have felt quite depressed at certain times in my life. I don't want to say that I know what you're going through, because I don't, but I would like to offer some words of encouragement. Regarding the mission, please don't feel lesser for choosing not to serve. I feel like you've chosen to do the right thing by seeking professional help instead of going on a mission. There have been times in my life that I've felt desperate to find "my purpose" or a reason to continue moving forward. It can feel overwhelming. Meditation has helped me recently (this is my latest read: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808), but in saying that, I don't want to imply that any form of depression can be handled through meditation alone. Professional guidance and medicine is often needed, so I'm happy you are going to get the necessary help.

I also wanted to say that dating outside the church isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would suggest you look for girls who share similar interests and core values. There are many lovely people out there who are overlooked because they simply didn't have the opportunity to be raised in the church as many of us did.

I'm rooting for you. Keep in mind the National Suicide Hotline phone number posted above, and remember you can always reach out here for additional advice or just someone to talk to.

[I feel silly doubting a relationship over career prospects, but there it is]

On 12/23/2016 at 7:26 AM, Katrina said:

Thanks for your thoughts. Some of them were a slap in the face, but I was prepared for that. 

To answer a few questions, my fiance is a sophomore, has mostly just done some generals, and I'm a junior. We dated before our missions and for a year after before getting engaged. I also grew up with not much fancy, but my parents were always pointing out the importance of showing the world just how good Mormons can be. I guess I was always taught that we need to be an example in all things, and that includes being successful in careers. I realize there are plenty of wonderful Saints in third-world countries, but those aren't here. 

My fiance was planning on working in public counseling, but he has talked about teaching since high school. I get where he's coming from.

It might be cold feet. I will take the suggestion to go the temple.

I know you have already received a lot of good advice, but I wanted to add my thoughts. First, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a certain standard of living. I second the advice to discuss those concens with your fiance. You should get those expectations out on the table.

Second, wealth has nothing to do with righteousness. That line of thinking leads people to judging each other based on material wealth. There are many good people who are successful in their careers but aren't considered wealthy. One of my greatest pet peeves is that the word "success" seems to always be solely linked with material wealth. As an educator, your fiance will have all kinds of opportunity to make the world a better place. If he takes advantage of those opportunities to better the world, and both of you can live the life you want on your combined income, then what could be considered more successful?

One more thing, wealth is relative. I enjoy reading this blog: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/blog/

[Forgetting my fiances past]

1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

I can't tell others how they should feel about their significant others, but for me personally, if the person repented, the power of the atonement is so strong that whatever the person is guilty of is, spiritually speaking, erased out of existence and is truly no longer a part of that person.  If God can no longer remember the sin, then why should I?  As far as I personally care, the repented sin did not happen.  And if God can fix the most grievous of sins, how easy is it for Him to fix background issues not involving sin?

I love the Islamic phrase, "God is great".  God can take the lowest drug addicted adultress and, if she is willing, turn her into an exalted being, full of the highest degree of virtue and worthy of the highest degree of glory.  The atonement is real, and God, in his awe inspiring greatness, has given it to us along with the wonderful promise that anything that is wrong can be made right.  

Well said!

Sometimes the baggage can't simply go away, and there will be emotional pain for a lifetime, but we all have baggage we deal with. I'm thankful that my wife didn't bail on me for my own baggage. Marriage is about being friends and supporting each other through good times and bad.

[Forgetting my fiances past]

1 hour ago, yjacket said:

I'm very glad that you were able to overcome this trial; I would caution however on some things that I don't think are quite right.

The past and the future are not concepts humanity invented-they are very real.  For many things in life, we don't get do-overs. Actions today make the past tomorrow and determine the future. Actions have very real consequences.  

Least anyone think otherwise, fornication is an extremely serious sin with some very serious potential consequences and one should very seriously consider the potential marriage prospect of individuals who have broken the law of Chastity.  It's not about "chewed bubble gum", it's about the undeniable fact that having sexual relationships with another individual changes you. Potential consequences involve STDs, pregnancy, emotional trauma, etc. There is no such thing as "just sex".  

Yes, as a father I would seriously caution my children about marrying another individual who has willingly fornicated-and there is a big difference b/w someone who is raped and not (even though many of the same potential pitfalls exist). There are plenty of worthy individuals who have not fornicated. I'm glad that it worked out for you; but just like I would caution my children against marrying individuals who come from divorced families, abused childhoods, etc. I would caution my children against marrying those who have willingly fornicated. It may very well work out (as in your case), but you are playing with fire and any fornication better be long ago and dead and buried.

Thanks for responding because you made me realize how much I over generalized. Yes, the concepts of past and future are real in our minds and we can't overlook major issues in the past. You absolutey need to know if your SO has STDs and make decisions appropriately. And of course, we should remember the past so we don't make the same mistakes in the future. Having said all that, I am speaking with the assumptions from my story. If your SO has changed and is completely loyal to you, then I feel that the burden is on you to accept your SO or get out of the relationship for their sake. They are coming from a vulnerable position and should be allowed to have a fresh start. Isn't that the entire point of the gospel of Jesus Christ? For all of us to overcome our imperfections, great and small?

About your warning to your children about marrying someone who comes from a situation of divorce or abuse, I feel like that is far too harsh and is lumping those unfortunate individuals into the "chewed gum" analogy. Yes, there is baggage that comes from traumatizing experiences that could be a tough pill to swallow, but these individuals, including past fornicators, are just as deserving of participating in a loving marriage as any of us, and discarding them from the pool of potential mates is selfish and unchristlike, in my opinion.

[Forgetting my fiances past]

Adding a link to this excellent book: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

Humanity invented the concepts of the past and future, but when they aren't bridled appropriately they can enslave us.

I have received PMs about this topic, so please feel free to message me if you also find yourself in a similar boat.

I would love to help rid the world of the "chewed gum" analogy.

[How do you get over the past sins of a SO]

for anyone going through something similar, i recently posted what i've learned from my own experiences: 

i just remember reading so many depressing stories online at that time (in 2011) and i want to make my positive experience available to more people.

[Forgetting my fiances past]

Wow.  It has been over 4 years.  I had nearly forgotten about this post, but I'm sure some random internet lurkers are bound to happen upon this thread and want advice about their own situation or just want to know how things turned out.  First of all, thank you all for the advice.  To all the lurkers, there is some awesome advice here.

I married her!  Never regretted it!  We're loving life.  Now, a few things that I've learned:

1. She was never the problem.  It was always me (basically, I was an idiot).

2. The idea of virginity is just that, an idea.

3. What matters most is that you're best friends.  Best friends are loyal to each other no matter what happened in the past.

4. The past isn't real.  The present is everything.  The future is a dream.

 

My advice, is that if you're in this type of situation, get over yourself.  Assuming your significant other is completely loyal to you, if you still find yourself "haunted" by their past then the most important thing you need to ask yourself is, "Can I be the spouse my SO needs?"  If the answer is no, then stop jeopardizing your SO's happiness by constantly dragging your thoughts through the nonexistant past.  Get out of the relationship for their sake.  If you can honestly answer yes, then go for it.  You've got an entire lifetime to make amazing memories together.

I was taught growing up that it was better to die than to lose your virtue.  I disagree with that.  I was also taught that those who had lost their virtue were like "licked ice cream" or "chewed gum".  That way of thinking is wrong, and it's very harmful.  Let go of that type of thinking.  It benefits no one.

Elizabeth Smart talked about what it feels like to be a "chewed piece of gum" and it sounds terrible: http://fox13now.com/2013/05/06/elizabeth-smart-i-felt-like-a-chewed-up-piece-of-gum/   Don't put your SO through that.  If you're best friends, nothing else matters.

 

Best of luck to your SO (and you) if you're in the situation I was in.  In conclusion, this image sums it all up:

[My husband watches bad movies]

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[Forgetting my fiances past]

Thanks so much for all the replies :) It really has helped me put things in perspective!

[Forgetting my fiances past]

thank you all for the replies so far. It helps a lot. I know I'm a sinner and I'm full of pride. Thanks for the story rameumptom. I think maybe that is what I need to do. I can't even say how badly I want to be with this girl and how badly I want this to not be an issue for me. I know she has changed. I don't doubt that. She has expressed and shown through the way she lives now that she wants to do everything in her power to help our kids avoid the same trap she was in. I know God can help me with this.

[Forgetting my fiances past]

I'm a returned missionary. I've been home 1 year today. I'm engaged to a girl I met at college at the beginning of the year. After dating for a short time she confessed to me her sexual past with her boyfriend from high school. The last time was a month and a half before I met her. I was the first she ever told and so obviously she had not repented. She began her repentance process and things felt really good. I was willing to overlook the past as long as she was showing sincere repentance and she was. I love her so much. Now that we're engaged and making wedding plans her past has begun to haunt me like it never did before. I can't go a minute without it putting me through hell. I saw a post on the family discussion board about a man who was having trouble with his wife's sexual past years into their marriage. I don't want the same to happen to me, but I don't know how to avoid that other than breaking up. I've read all kinds of articles about forgiving and forgetting. I'm reading books about it. I pray for the ability to not think of those thoughts and memories. I feel like I need to just have faith and look to the future but I fear what I might go through and her as well (knowing I didn't let go of her past) proceeding with the marriage. I want to be with her. She's my best friend. Please help me out! How do I just "let go"? Anyone else going/gone through this?