Hahnzee

Basically my husband thinks that I'm not following the direction of the prophets by not having kids NOW.

I am married. We have been married for one year and 5 months. My husband JUST started his second semester in college. He is doing the Pathway program through BYUI. It is very important to me that my husband receives his degree. I've seen to many couples struggle because there husband is still in school or doesn't have a degree and loses his job etc. From the very beginning we decided we wouldn't have kids until he was closer to getting his degree. I want nothing more then to be home with my kids and if he is going to school I would have to work and I couldn't be home with them. So that is what we decided that he would get some more schooling in and have kids at a later date. Not necessarily when he graduated maybe before or maybe right when he was done we hadn't confirmed that. I am a hair stylist. Ever since high school I have a had a passion for hair and making people feel beautiful on the inside and out. I also LOVE to teach and work with the youth. It has been my DREAM to teach hair at the beauty school I went to in Rexburg Idaho (Where we met). I would be a teacher here where I live but in order to do that I would have to pay a couple of thousands of dollars to get my teaching license. If I do it in Rexburg I would get payed to do it. Plus I would be living in the town I love and we would be close to both families. My husband could also go to school full time and get done quicker. It just makes sense to me, we could live in a place where he gets his schooling done quicker because he can go full time and I can do my dream job and support him. Right now we live in a city where his ENTIRE family lives. Every aunt. uncle, grandma grandpa, parents, siblings etc. I do love his family but they aren't the most positive people in the world. Anyway so I worked SUPER hard to get the job at the school and I GOT IT!!!!! My dreams have come true! My husband was accepted into BYUI full time and everything is working out great.....until.. Now my husband is saying that I'm being selfish for putting my career ahead of family and that we should have kids NOW and he can go to school part time and work part time. I think moving away from his family would be the BEST thing for us. All of his family is now agreeing with him and saying I'm being selfish and forcing him to move away from his family and he has a perfectly fine job now, and we should be thinking of having kids etc. I cannot believe where all this is coming from! My husband TOLD me to apply for the job and to go for my dreams. Now that I actually have the job and we will be moving in three months he is completely against it! I am at a loss of how I'm being selfish when I'm thinking of both of us..him getting his degree, and I get my dream job while supporting him! So frustrated! I do not want to live in this city the rest of my life and I'm beginning to think I'll be stuck here forever!

Once again, all of your advice has meant the world to me. After reading everything, I went up to him and had an incredibly long discussion. I started out by saying how I over heard him talking about the "forbidden" thing, I asked him if that really was the case. He said yea, "every guy is like that, all we do is think about sex, now that I have it, it's great and all but it's just not that exciting anymore". I then mentioned how before we were married he was incredibly touchy feely, if we were in a room we were always sitting next to each other, holding hands etc. I reminded him how to everyone else he was known as the touchy feely guy because he's just a big teddy bear and is always hugging people etc. He agreed with me on all of that. Then I said "that isn't the case anymore, ever since we got married it's like you turned into a completely different person, before we were married you had that NEED to touch, and now you don't, so you HAVE to be fulfilling your needs somehow..whether that be porn, or thinking about other women, or talking to other women, or being gay, or pleasing yourself, etc. a person just doesn't all of a sudden have zero needs to feel loved, I understand you transferring them to something else but I don't see you fulfilling ANY needs with me!" He was completely baffled that I even thought he could be watching porn, or gay etc. He was like "I promise you none of that is happening". I continued to say "then how are you fulfilling your needs?" He didn't have any straightforward answer, he "didn't know" he just said "we are married, everything is just so chill, I dunno!" and then...he was like " I shouldn't tell you this but even before we were married you never really gave me butterflies, or excite me when you walk in a room. That's what took me a while to ask you out, is it was different with you. I love you, I knew I wanted to be with you forever, and I wanted you to raise my kids, but I just never got the butterfly feeling like I did with other girls, and I liked that." I just didn't even know how to take that. I'm ALL about those butterfly feelings...I STILL get that with him. I get so excited when he enters a room etc. and I THOUGHT he felt that way about me, at least he made me feel like that's how he felt. I now feel like it's unfair that he didn't tell me that before we got married. Maybe that's a part of why I don't feel loved....he's not touchy feely anymore, he doesn't miss me when I'm gone, he's just so CHILL! I just don't even know what to think anymore, I love him, but I don't feel loved BY him. That was a huge factor in me loving him before we were married, he made me feel so loved, like I was the only girl in HIS world. I feel like I'm just living with a brother now, instead of someone that loves me in a marriage kind of way.

Thank you all for your responses, it's really helpful for me to even just "talk" to people about it. Let me give you a little more background, he's a complete care free guy. He never gets offended by people, he loves everyone, he literally has zero cares in the world. So when someone cares about something, or is offended etc. he thinks that person is just being silly or immature. He doesn't understand when people have feelings I guess? So his personality is GREAT in that he is so care free, but in a situation like this where I have a problem, his care free personality has a downfall in that he doesn't seem to care enough to change. I've brought up the whole gay/porn/other women thing and he seriously just laughs because he wouldn't even entertain the thought of having a conversation like that. Honestly I really do believe him. He doesn't have an issue with porn, and he's not gay. He still enjoys sex, but it's like once every two weeks. It's just a HUGE change from when we were dating, where we were always cuddling etc. It most likely is the whole "forbidden sex". A lot of his friends are going through the same thing in their marriages apparently (just the sex, not the physical touch because that's not their love language). I'm really hoping I'm making sense, it's hard to describe a situation without any of you knowing either one of us. About the whole me thinking of him, BECAUSE I he is so equal in all of the 5 love languages, I always try to do all of them. I'm the type of person where, if he is sad, or uncomfortable, sick, or anything but happy then I will do ANYTHING to fix that. I want him to be happy. I'm always telling him how much I love him, doing little acts of service, giving him gifts etc. but I feel like because he is so carefree it's not that big of a deal for him. I feel like I give so much and it's not returned? That makes me sound so incredibly selfish though, I am grateful for him having a job, and providing, and the times that he does express that physical love etc. I just feel like I married him because he made me feel loved, and now he pushes it away, almost without even knowing or caring?

Oh and he took the test, he had almost equal numbers in all of the 5 love languages. His top one was physical touch though.

We have been married for only a year and a couple of days. So not very long at all. He doesn't have aspergers. I heard him talking with a bunch of guys about how before marriage sex is forbidden so it makes everything so exciting, like making out, and all kinds of physical touch. Now that it isn't forbidden it isn't enticing at all. How do I fix his thinking about that?! I feel like I'm the man in the relationship when it comes to sex now, me wanting it all the time and him not so much. But that is an entire different topic, I'm just talking about the hugging, and non sexual touching that has completely dissapeared.

So I am a very touchy person, my number one love language is touch. I was introduced to my now husband because he was FAMOUS for being mr. touchy feely! He would hug complete strangers etc. While dating I was always SO grateful that we felt the same about physical touch. Always hugging, holding hands etc. Ever since the WEEK after we got married, it's like I'm married to a completely different man. Every time I hug him, he just stands there and then literally pushes me away. I go to kiss him on the cheek and he pushed me away. He acts like I'm his grandma that's trying to kiss him or something, he even rolls his eyes and hangs his head. I've tried to talk to him about it and explain to him that it makes me feel unloved, and he says well you aren't respecting me and my space. I try to talk about compromising, and nothing changes. I've had him read the 5 love languages book. If I would've known , that would have been a huge factor in whether I married him. I would not have dated him if he acted the way he does now when we were dating. I try to talk with him, and he just say's it's not that big of a deal, laughs and leaves. This is HUGE deal to me, I feel like I'm married to someone that doesn't even love me.

Wow I came here to get good advice. I never expected such rude, judging answers saying I'm being self righteous?! I just moved here around his family so I didn't find out this about his family until AFTER we were married

No while dating we didn't do very much movie watching...and he knew that I would never watch such movies...ever! When we did watch movies we would pick together so of course it would be appropriate. I never would have imagined him acting the way he is now before we got married.

My husband and his entire family swear all the time and watch movies that have tons of swear words and innapropriate scenes in them. I have always voiced my opinion and had it made known I'm not okay at all with watching movies that have excessive swear words and bad scenes. Many times I walk in to find my husband watching such movies and I ask him to turn it off. He refuses to. He says I'm being a martyr and that if he can't watch those movies then we can't watch anything but church movies. I believe we need to set a standard together of what we will and wont watch. He thinks I should just simply not watch those movies with him but I believe it shouldn't be played at all in our house because it brings a bad spirit into the home and I can hear it no matter where I am in the house. I've brought up every argument such as would he be watching it if the prophet were in the room everything and he just thinks he is totally fine. I am at a complete loss of what to do because I refuse to lower my standards.