Rimmer

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Everything posted by Rimmer

  1. I have been through a hard divorce that I didn't want. I have five great kids that live with their mom 400 miles away. I am surely not without fault in the failure of our marriage but so much has been pulled away from me that I haven't gotten back on my feet. I KNOW that my marriage is over and barring some crazy miracle it will never become anything more than two people who have kids together living separate lives. It has been nearly two and a half years since I found out about her cheating and the start of the divorce. We've been divorced for two years. Even though I know we will never be together (unless we end up together later... as we were sealed), I can't seem to move on. I have been signed up on a couple singles sites but I really can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. I want to find a nice lady to fall in love with and continue my life. I just can't seem to let go, even knowing it's over and has been for a long time. I just feel so broken hearted and stuck. Anyone out there who has gone through a divorce have ideas about moving on?
  2. This guy who happens to have helped you make children sounds terrible. If he chooses to be a dad make sure someone is there with him that you trust as he will likely try to turn them against you. Someone who is mentally abusive will likely do all they can to control you. By saying he will only see the kids if you are together is another sign of his desire for control. If he was a good man he would want to be a dad because he has kids, not because he wants the mother. And he likely only wants you because he has been able to put you down and control you in the past and you've gone back to him before. Get him out of your life. If he does eventually want to be an active father, be wary and careful. Good luck!
  3. I think that he will not get over your weight. He has used this as an excuse for HIS shortcomings and that is certainly wrong. He is choosing to do things that are against the gospel and likely blaming you for it. I am struggling about my own divorce and the ramifications that come with it. It is not easy. If he has been the way you describe there is nothing you can do to change him. I too am going through the feelings of nobody wanting me, but I know that our Heavenly Father has plans for me. HE does things on HIS timeline, not ours. I am learning this a hard way. I'm sure it could be worse for me. Be thankful that you have the gospel in your life and embrace the small, seemingly insignificant treasures you have. You will be shown the way, you just need to be willing to listen when the promptings may not line up with what you want for yourself. HE will show you the way.
  4. I ended up in the state hospital again for depression. I think they got my medication dialed in and I have a much more positive outlook. I was in the hospital for about 6 months. She did divorce me while I was there. I've only been away from this thread because the have no internet for patients where I was. I've been out a couple weeks and I've spent a lot of time with my kids. They are very happy as am I to be together again. They live with her, but i get to see them often. I am grateful to be alive and to be a dad. I have kept straight since I've been out and am looking forward to a summer with my kids. I can totally see that now, JudoMinja, about feeling my prayers were going unanswered because they didn't align with my ideal. While I was in the hospital I finally for the first time read the Book of Mormon straight through. It has helped me greatly. I thank you all for the kind words you've given through my difficult time. Thank you
  5. If he's been doing this for 3 of your 8 years, there is something very wrong. In my opinion he only stopped because he was caught. I would go to the Bishop. I would not have him baptize anyone. I just baptized one of my kids before I found out my wife was having a facebook/emotional and somewhat physical affair. Her whole family came-and that's a big feat. She gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she had a LOT of trouble feeling worthy to or feeling the Spirit to help her with her talk. I had a problem with pornography for years. It didn't get resolved until I finally listened to Pres. Hinckley talking so much about it every Priesthood session of Conference. I finally admitted to my wife and we went to the Bishop. I couldn't have done it without Heavenly Father's help. Your husband and you should go talk to the Bishop. People might notice something is wrong, but so many people are so caught up in their own lives they might not. I would have a grandfather baptize your daughter if that is possible. You could say it's a privilege for her grandpa to do it. I don't know maybe that's silly, but it's worth a try. I am still wanting to stay with my wife but I have caused other problems for my marriage. She will no longer have me. If you go to the Bishop and you believe your husband is going to stop, maybe you CAN work things through. My best wishes for you and your children. Good luck and keep us updated.
  6. No. I want my family back. I want to make things right. I am in despair because I see that it is too late. I see that she has moved light years beyond me and that I will never amount to anything. I'm 40 years old and now living with my mother. My wife left and is still talking to this guy. Even voted for him to help him get on the city council. She never votes.
  7. I have never been a good provider for my family. I am obviously not a good parent figure. I think you're right about her love being my "drug." I am feeling the withdrawal from it and I'm seriously ready to be over. I just don't know how to get over it. How do people let go? How do people just start a new life? I feel so worthless. I feel like nobody would want me at all. Especially after messing up and going to the hospital and jail. She's going to get the kids, just like she got the business and friends. Nobody has come to help me. Everyone is after helping her while I wallow in misery. She says it hurts and she doesn't want to get divorced either. Why then is she? She says she has prayed about it and it is what she feels she should do. Why would Heavenly Father want to break a marriage and family? How can this be from Him? I just don't see it. I have prayed time and again for strength and for understanding of why this is happening. I have prayed asking if this marriage should last. I have prayed asking if we should divorce. I have asked positive questions and negative questions. I have not received an answer to any prayer about my marriage. Normally I am very receptive of answers to my prayers. This one just eludes me. I'm ready to give up.
  8. Neither of us has filed for divorce. I have left and she's moved to a new place. I messed up again and have spent time in the state hospital and jail for huffing, trying the wrong way to deal with this situation. I missed my and two of my kids' birthdays in hospital. She has still been talking to him even after the Bishop has told them both to stop. Am I stupid by still wanting to work things out? Now she says it's because I messed up too many times and she doesn't even like to be around me. She doesn't feel comfortable with me, like I'm going to hurt her or him or his family. The only person I've wanted to hurt is me.
  9. She has my kids. She has our business. I have alienated our friends by being arrogant. I have nothing. She was supposed to let me have the kids today, and she stopped that, too. She has taken everything and is still talking to him. "Professionally" of course. What a load of crap.
  10. I'm starting to sadly agree with Juan_p. There is still Love between them. They have no intention of stopping talking at least. They meet weekly (with a networking group) and still have talked on the phone and who knows about texting. I posted something about my wife "Liking" his comment about something, he is running for City Council. I was being malicious and trying to hurt his chances. my wilfe reported it fast so who know who saw it. But I know this puts any hope I ever had to return to her. I am close to going back and huffing that crap again. The only thing holding me is God and my children. I feel so distraught. I don't know how to move on. She has all the business, the home, the friends, I have always been unfriendly and/or thinking "what do I get from this" selfishness. I wish she could see the good that I have changing in me. All she sees is the bad. All she sees is the bad. I'm very lost and alone.
  11. I was introduced to this when I was 10 years old. I have been until a few years ago when Pres GBH drilled it into me after many many talks at the Priesthood sessions of GC. I finally came clean and lost my recommend for a while and couldn't take Sacrament for awhile either. It was very difficult. Now a few years later, my marriage is over because of what I did and how I treated my wife and kids. Even now I am acting out stupidly and digging deeper. My addiction did not go away for over 20 years. I've spent several weeks in a mental hospital over the break up of my marriage, because I feel lower than low. I've let satan rule my life. I have been still choosing bad things by being so needy of my wife and posting on facebook things about her affair. Now she's really mad. But she told me there is no chance, so what do I have to lose? This man is running for City Counsel after telling my wife he will divorce after the elections. She is determined on divorce. On my thread, I'm beginning to side with Juan_P.
  12. I have seen this now. I can see that she is hurting and confused. I am realizing this just recently. I cannot change her or the situation. But I can change me. Eowyn, thank you for the D&C 121 reference. My home teacher has challenged me with memorizing verses 34 through 46, and I have been working at it. It makes me see a lot more of what I have done. There IS nothing that I can do to change anyone but me. She did make her own choice in this, but I still have growing and repenting to do for those things I have done. It doesn't matter if I did or did not drive her to this. She chose. But I chose to mistreat her. We were both wrong and we both have our repentance to serve. My home teacher also gave me a book to read. It is "The Peacegiver" by James L Ferrell, from Deseret Book. Ironically, we have a copy at home that my wife started to read years ago. She said today she didn't read too far, but that it sounded so much like us. This has made it much easier to focus on forgiveness. The Atonement is what gives us what we strive for. If we do not forgive, we cannot be forgiven. I have come to a point of acceptance. I see what has happened. I cannot change things past. I can only move forward by forgiveness. It doesn't make it fun, but I do see it as required.
  13. I left like she asked. She contacted me to watch the kids while she works. What's with that? She stopped by my office to get something, I stupidly asked if it was over. She pretty much said yes. I knew she was just getting things separated to do this. All these years she's tried, and when I finally admit and seek help, she bails. I don't know what to do. I thought I was broken hearted before...
  14. I didn't just say some things, we found a "Love Letter" from over 18 years ago with me apologizing about being jealous and possessive. I have been doing it from the start. She just finally had enough guts to cut things off. She has been asking me for years to go with her to counseling. I have been a stubborn mule and have always said no. Telling her what to do is exactly what has gotten me to where I am. I was more than verbally abusive at times. We actually fought before we were married, and we have both hit each other since-me more than her assuredly. And I'm still being controlling. I still am here and haven't left. I am afraid to let her go. I am afraid that she will be happier again without me. This man was not the original problem. He really was trying to help her to understand me and stay with me. It just got too bad for her and he was there treating her well and showing her the appreciation I would not. She did chose to do what she did. But I have chosen to be the way I have by not seeking nor accepting help.
  15. Now she just wants me out. She says she needs time to think things through. That maybe we can work things out after she thinks about things. I see it as her getting me out and then it will be that much easier to proceed with a divorce. She says she wants us to be an Eternal Family, but that I am not respecting her by leaving her for a month or more. She shows no affection and snubs any I try to give her. I think I just need to go ahead and get the divorce now. Why should I live with that fear over my head, living by myself, hoping that things will work out? It will drive me crazy. I don't see any other way. She says she will go to counseling with me. But I still have to move out, or she will take the kids and move out herself. I don't need this big house we're in without kids. I have no choice but to leave. I just don't know if I should just file for divorce or not...
  16. I think that is why I invited her to read my posting. I know over the years she has said that exact thing. Many times. I was never able to admit to my failings and acknowledge or try to change it. I don't believe she was seeking anyone out. In my prying and snooping I did find the earlier messages about me. I saw that she was originally really trying to get help to stay with me. I think he is having a troubled marriage too and saw and exploited the situation. She's not blameless, just in fairness, I don't think it was intended. This man just listened and showed her the attention I was not giving. I am having a hard time believing she isn't still hung up on him. She told me yesterday they had talked again. And that stare. That long, long stare. Funny, not haha funny, but when I got home she was always listening to One eskimO's song Kandi. One part of the song is "Why? Why? Why did you need him? Where was I? Just how close to you is he? Every smile you gave, every touch you made, every word you said. And it hurts beyond hurt. It was a love that blinds, and a love that stings..." It seems so fitting for our situation. My new favorite wallowing song is by Mumford and Sons, The Cave "It's empty in the valley of your heart The sun, it rises slowly as you walk Away from all the fears And all the faults you've left behind The harvest left no food for you to eat You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again Cause I have other things to fill my time You take what is yours and I'll take mine Now let me at the truth Which will refresh my broken mind So tie me to a post and block my ears I can see widows and orphans through my tears I know my call despite my faults And despite my growing fears But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again So come out of your cave walking on your hands And see the world hanging upside down You can understand dependence When you know the maker's hand So make your siren's call And sing all you want I will not hear what you have to say Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be And I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again" I hear this and feel so empowered. I will hold on hope. I'll find strength in pain. I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again! I will change for the best and I will know my name when I am called to return to live with Him! I do want to be with her. But whether that happens or not I have made it past my despair. I, with the help of prayer and Heavenly Father's mighty hand, know that I will become the great man that I can become. I will be my kids' dad. I will show them the unconditional love they deserve and need from me. Thank you all for posting. You have helped me greatly. I will continue to sound off what I am going through, so please keep posting your great thoughts and insights. I think through just this forum and all the input I've received, that I have already begun to change. It makes me all the more excited to start full on counseling. How many dark years I can now put behind me! The relief of this weight brings me to free flowing tears of joy!
  17. I see guests reading. Whether it was good or not, I invited my wife to read this. Told her my avatar. I wonder if she ever will.
  18. I ate a little for the first time since Saturday. I think that made me queezy. She asked me last week to go to a parenting class with her. I didn't. She asked again, after I started staying at her brothers but before I messed things up. Of course after botching things yesterday, she didn't call me to go with her. I went myself and met her there. She didn't seem too happy, but did sit by me when I asked her. I was very full though, so it was either me or squeeze in by some strangers. She was pleasant. She left right after to pick one of our children from school. I've calmed down a little. I am ready to give her some space. She's going to take it whether I'm ready or not. But I did just want to let her be after the class. I went in to my office and was working when she texted me and asked if I wanted something from the store. I was very surprised. I didn't have time to go with her. My car needs work so I am using her brother's while he's at work. I did ask if I could go by the house to get more clothes. She was mad and told me I was supposed to get them yesterday. She scoffed when I said that I was a little distraught then. I had a meeting close to her brother's work and dropped his car off to him and walked to my appointment. I didn't know if I had a ride home. I was very surprised that she texted me to ask if I had a ride. I am so very confused. She tells me it is completely over. With me and with him. Then why is she being so nice? It just makes it harder. Maybe. I am very looking forward to my first counseling evaluation/session tomorrow. I am so ready to get started. I will make the right changes for my own life. I hope and pray she will start coming with me to couples counseling when she sees that I am on the right track.
  19. I am wondering why the Bishop didn't offer me a blessing. I was going to ask, but then got sidetracked. The first time we talked he said to give my wife one. She refused. I know that I just need to move on. I don't know if I can. The day after I found out, I really wanted to commit suicide. I found some Air Duster for cleaning keyboards or whatever. When I was a teen somebody tried that and got high. So I found ours and inhaled like crazy. I really wanted to end it. It is so hard to see beyond this situation. I just want the easy way out. I am wavering on whether I can fix me after tonight. We would have been married 15 years this year. I don't believe we'll make it. We both would tell each other, "No matter what." I guess that was just talk. She doesn't believe in me. She doesn't think I can change. This woman who I have been with for 19 years, has lost all faith in me. For a long time now, I realize. There have been many things that I would tell her to just have faith about. Every last thing that I told her to have faith about, turned out good. She never believed me. She still does not. especially after tonight. She has been preparing for this for a long time. I was blind. I chose to be blind to all the things she said. But I have not had time to assimilate what is happening. I feel like I didn't get a fair chance. That is dumb right after saying though. I did have time. I guess I just never believed it would happen. I see that right now as the reason, or a main reason, why I have been so controlling. Duh! Because if I kept her feeling bad about herself, she wouldn't think that anyone would want her. Man, she did just even tell me that, though I didn't really hear it until now. She told me that she was afraid to leave because, "Why would anyone want me?" I see another major problem I have. Eureka! I know that might sound silly. I found another thing she was right about. I am a jerk. I have kept her down all these years out of selfishness and insecurity. She has been fighting a losing battle with me. I wish I had so many years back to make things right. I don't think she will wait for me to get help since she doesn't believe I will stick it out.
  20. I think I drove her there today. I told her I knew of her other identity. I ruined everything now. I don't know if she was making it for me or that was all that was there, but she was making my favorite dinner. She told me to leave. To try to sort things out, and my fears, I had my phone recording our discussion. She saw that and it was bad. I don't know why I did that. Very stupid. I had even started tearing up when I realized what I was helping her make. I felt it would be the last time. Idiot. She was even telling the kids to come in for FHE. After they went to bed was when I would leave to her brothers house. I ruined that pretty fast. I am just grasping at straws. There is nothing left from her but anger. Again, my fears pushed her further away.
  21. She is fed up with me asking all the time. I did look at her pc before we went to the Bishop last time. She and he had set up new facebook accounts and had communicated then. First him on her real page, just messages. I saw that on her phone. On the pc was her new identity. She definitely didn't say anything about this other "person" to me or the Bishop. She is done with me.
  22. I think that is the best scene I could ever picture! Thank you for that. I can't see past the waterworks.
  23. I know before whenever I told her it was over, and both of us did often, it was my way of controlling her. Of testing her. I think at some point we were testing each other at the same time. Now it has just escalated. Her brother, my best friend for more years than we've been married, had a divorce based on seeing who is going to take it further. I don't want to be that kind of little man anymore. I want my marriage to survive. I am trying to build up something to help the hurt because I have feelings that it isn't going to end well. I love this woman dearly. Right now though, I am finding it doesn't matter if she stays or goes if I don't fix me. I want very much to stay married to her. It hurts tremendously.
  24. At this point I have grave doubts as to whether she can return to me. I don't believe she will stop communication with this man anytime soon. Not until it explodes on her. I think she has a huge amount of love for him. I think she does not want to commit anything to me until he is either hers, or proves to stay with his wife. At this point I just know I need to work on me for me. I will face the marriage after I start facing me.