ManChild

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  1. Glad to hear that you are doing well. I don't know if some people can appreciate the trauma such an event can bring into your life. I can empathize cause I know how it feels. At times, I would feel down because I was devestated while the STBX would say, "are you OK" (in a saracastic kinda way, like whats wrong with you?). A friend of mine told me, if you didn't feel that way, something would be wrong with you. So to you Rimmer, I say if you didn't feel the pain of your wife leaving then something would be wrong with you. Sometimes caring has a difficult way of manifesting itself. Don't ever be ashamed of how you acted or felt inside, because it shows you have a heart and felt the loss of something very important to you. Keep close to your friends, kids, and church family. And remember that the start of every journey begins with only one step. Make that step and try every day to make another and then another. Before you know it you'll be surprised at the distance you've come. Manchild
  2. ManChild

    Holiday Blues?

    I'm dealing with the same issues. It sucks pretty much. But it will get better because I don't think it can get much worse :) Hang in there and know that you are not alone in your feelings.
  3. Acerola, I'll give you my opinion. I had some things I had to overcome with my wife's past when we initially started dating. She was not a member at this point and had committed a serious sin a few months prior to us meeting. I remember after she told me what she had done, I sat there and thought, "HOW COULD SHE DO THIS?" I had a moment when I had to decide whether I was going to define her by this transgression or see it as a mistake that she made in her past. Immediately, I knew I could not define her by her past. She ended up getting baptized and when she came up out of the waters, she had a clean slate. She had been forgiven. In the 11 years of the marriage, I did not bring up this event. Did I remember it sometimes ? Sure I did. But I decided early on before we seriously started dating that I would not define her by her poor decision. I think you need to decide if you will define your fiance by some sexual transgressions she committed in her past or will you forgive/forget (as best as possible) and accept her for the love of your life that she is ? The choice is yours. You will make the right choice. The atonement is a wonderful thing. Sometimes only those that have made mistakes realize how poor of a choice they previously made. I wish you the best.
  4. ManChild

    Engaged to Non-Member

    Ok, so I'll give my 2 cents on this subject. We all have had different experiences. Here is mine. I dated a non member for a couple of years. Somewhere in there on her own accord, she got baptized. We got married, but we did not get married in the temple (big mistake). I grew up in the church and she did not. It did not work for us for a number of reasons. I found that she liked the idea of the church and the focus on the family, but that was about it. She has not progressed at all since she got baptized. She feels she is better than church members and sees Visiting Teaching and Relief Society as a waste of time. So, I guess I would just caution you as you move forward. Love is love I guess, but it's not always going to work the way you would like. I know now (after 11 yrs married with divorce pending) that I will not date outside the church again. I had to work really hard to try and be happy, but it just wasn't the same. We didn't have similar goals or values in the end. I would give one final word of advice. If he loves you and respects you, how about do what is necessary to get married in the temple ? Now thats a good idea :)
  5. ManChild

    Damaged goods?

    I'll admit I haven't read every reply in this thread. I'll just give my 2 cents and leave it at that. Mistie, based on all that I have read and see, I'll just say that I don't think you'll have any problems. I have my doubts with my own personal situation and my future, but lets put it in the Lord's hands and let him guide us. When you are serving the Lord he is bound and will bless you. Focus your life on Him and let Him be your guide. You and your children's life will be blessed. I am pulling for you.
  6. Going through a divorce myself (she filed) , I'd say that you need to get this thing filed so you can begin moving forward. She clearly has moved on and has put you in the rear view mirror. I'd suggest you do everything you can to do the same. And yes, delete the Facebook. I even blocked her from my cell because I don't want the drama. Email works well because it leaves a record and keeps us "nice." I wish you luck with what you are going through. I also hope to find an eternal companion in the future. I hope we both find what we are looking for :)
  7. I just wanted to provide an update on my situation. Primarily, to get some feelings out in an attempt to aid in healing. We have now been separated over 4 months. I see the kids once a week and every other weekend. I find that my best days are when I do not have any contact with my wife. This week we had a court hearing and I did not sign an agreement to settle matters. We went before the judge and are awaiting the Judge's orders. For once throughout this separation, I felt as though I had a voice. It was a good feeling, one I haven't felt in awhile :) So here we are....My wife is now a stranger to me when I see her at church with the kids. I do not speak to her as I am not sure I can control my emotions. I just figure that no contact is better than loosing control and saying hurtful things. I do not want to engage in negativity as it has left me feeling empty and angry in the past. I will go through this divorce proceeding with dignity. In my pleadings, I only described how I was a fit and good father and that I deserved to have a presence in my kid's lives. I did not mention my wife in my pleadings. I get the opportunity to review her pleadings and she totally threw me under the bus. I had an affair, was acting "wierd", and missed a couple of visitations with the kids. WOW, I thought. Divorce is war. Oh well, I will not engage in that manner. I will hold my head high and refuse to discredit her as a mother. Through this I have been at church every Sunday, read the BOM stories to my children, and prayed more than ever before in my life. For me this is great progress. Despite my struggles day to day, I pray that in the long term things will work out. What does "work out" really mean at this point ? I really don't know. I pray the Lord will provide a way.
  8. I have mixed feelings on my 1 yr of physical separation requirement for a no fault divorce. Would I like to think it will help our relationship heal and we will want to work out our issues? Yes. Will it happen? No. So, now its just merely a date in the future that I will have to wait out until I can list myself as "divorced" on a dating site. Until then, I'm married on paper and am in limbo.
  9. You and your wife both need a serious REALITY check. Take a look into the future with me for a minute. Think of the following before you do anything stupid: split custody, child support, alimony, co-parenting, kids asking why you aren't coming over to mommy's house for Thanksgiving, dealing with your EX for the rest of your life b/c you will always be the parents to the kids, etc etc..... This is the reality of a DIVORCE. You should not consider filing for a divorce unless you understand that your entire life and your kids lives will be changed forever. However, could it be a wake up call for you and your wife....Maybe. Sometimes we all need a wake up call because our marriage can get in such a rut. And for some reason we just dig it deeper and deeper. Do you fix your car when it is not broken ??? No, you only fix it when it doesn't work. Sometimes things have to break completely before we recognize it has be fixed. I would recommend staying in it for your kids and making the best of it. You two chose each other. You had kids and made a life together. Make it work. I sense a lot of "victim" talk in your original post. What are you doing to make your wife's life easier ? You should be focused on her and not you. Or else, based on my marital experience (which is over by the way) you will never progress. (btw - I gave my wife the nice house, the car, the "stuff" and it got me no where -- STUFF is Useless....love and meeting each others needs will create a life) I would simply not give up yet, b/c the alternative is hell on earth.
  10. Bambi, I recently decided to tell my wife about an affair I had several years ago. There were some other circumstances involved (wife had a bf also), but she decided our marriage is not worth repairing. I waited a number of years to tell her. She inquired why I didn't tell her immediately. Of course, I was ashamed and scared to tell her. She felt I wasted several years of her life b/c she would have left me immediately had she known. So applying my situation to yours I would say that you must be prepared to have your world turned upside down when you tell your husband. Although, I personally believe men are more willing to forgive adultery than women. I would have never imagined the fall out of my life when I decided to admit I cheated on her. Do I regret telling her ? I honestly am not sure. I miss my kids, my wife, my house, my life. I know long term it will likely be worth it. Right now there are some days I wonder if I want to even wake up. So keep these things in mind as you move forward. The bottom line is I don't think there is a good time to tell. It is going to be TOUGH anytime you have to tell your spouse you cheated on them and betrayed their trust and broke your marriage covenent. But your spouse does deserve the truth. He will decide your immediate future from there. Good Luck and stay strong in the gospel. The atonement is the way back.
  11. Rimmer, I'm right there with ya. Apparently being a man is a crime in approx 36 out of 50 states. I'm finding out more and more that just because you were there during conception doesn't amount for much except for child support. Doesn't mean you'll have an active role in your kids lives. Especially if the mother makes things difficult. My STBX has talked a big talk about access to the kids, but she is not yet walking the walk. I feel your pain my man. You're not walking down this path alone. I worked out of town for years and therefore my friends in this area is limited. Send me a PM if you want to kick the trees together.
  12. I know how you feel right now Rimmer. On my thread, my wife and I are having similar problems as we are separated and headed to divorce. It is the LAST thing I want, but she is in an affair fog and resents me for an affair I admitted to. We have 4 kids and I feel like I have lost everything. I even quit my job to be closer to home for my kids. I see them a couple of times a week. I am struggling mightily. I talk to friends/family a lot and it seems to help. We will both get through these trying times. Lets put our faith in the Lord and ask him to ease our burdens. We will get through it. It will not be easy.
  13. Just wanted to update status. Found photos of wife with new man. Also found conversations that lead me to believe she is going down a dark road. I informed the bishop of the findings. I didn't know if this was the best thing to do, but she is still my wife (at least on paper) and the mother of my children. It hurt to see photos of her in the arms of another man. Ok, so she doesn't want to work on us. But, to be with the other man during this is a slap in the face. She doesn't own up to her actions and tells me she is separated and I have no say in her life. I know only the Lord can soften her heart, but she still has her free agency. I feel so alone through all of this.
  14. Yeah, there is some truth to these things. I told her b/c I had to get it out. It wasn't to up her relationship so to speak. I revealed it after she said it was over. I let it out and that was that. Would like to change jobs....$2500 in child support tells me I don't have a choice. Isn't life grand ?
  15. Agree with this completely Judo. I know that if I had showered her with flowers everyday (as she mentioned) it would be something else that I was doing wrong. The more I think about it, the more I think she really is done with US. It's not what I want, but I can accept it. I truly believe I will miss who she was but not who she is now. I'm going to be scared of women for awhile after this event. Divorce was never in my vocabulary before she initiated all of this. I would have never filed for divorce unless things were really bad. 10 more months of separation.....let the ride continue.