ManChild

Glad to hear that you are doing well. I don't know if some people can appreciate the trauma such an event can bring into your life. I can empathize cause I know how it feels. At times, I would feel down because I was devestated while the STBX would say, "are you OK" (in a saracastic kinda way, like whats wrong with you?). A friend of mine told me, if you didn't feel that way, something would be wrong with you. So to you Rimmer, I say if you didn't feel the pain of your wife leaving then something would be wrong with you. Sometimes caring has a difficult way of manifesting itself. Don't ever be ashamed of how you acted or felt inside, because it shows you have a heart and felt the loss of something very important to you. Keep close to your friends, kids, and church family. And remember that the start of every journey begins with only one step. Make that step and try every day to make another and then another. Before you know it you'll be surprised at the distance you've come. Manchild

I'm dealing with the same issues. It sucks pretty much. But it will get better because I don't think it can get much worse :) Hang in there and know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Acerola, I'll give you my opinion. I had some things I had to overcome with my wife's past when we initially started dating. She was not a member at this point and had committed a serious sin a few months prior to us meeting. I remember after she told me what she had done, I sat there and thought, "HOW COULD SHE DO THIS?" I had a moment when I had to decide whether I was going to define her by this transgression or see it as a mistake that she made in her past. Immediately, I knew I could not define her by her past. She ended up getting baptized and when she came up out of the waters, she had a clean slate. She had been forgiven. In the 11 years of the marriage, I did not bring up this event. Did I remember it sometimes ? Sure I did. But I decided early on before we seriously started dating that I would not define her by her poor decision. I think you need to decide if you will define your fiance by some sexual transgressions she committed in her past or will you forgive/forget (as best as possible) and accept her for the love of your life that she is ? The choice is yours. You will make the right choice. The atonement is a wonderful thing. Sometimes only those that have made mistakes realize how poor of a choice they previously made. I wish you the best.

Ok, so I'll give my 2 cents on this subject. We all have had different experiences. Here is mine. I dated a non member for a couple of years. Somewhere in there on her own accord, she got baptized. We got married, but we did not get married in the temple (big mistake). I grew up in the church and she did not. It did not work for us for a number of reasons. I found that she liked the idea of the church and the focus on the family, but that was about it. She has not progressed at all since she got baptized. She feels she is better than church members and sees Visiting Teaching and Relief Society as a waste of time. So, I guess I would just caution you as you move forward. Love is love I guess, but it's not always going to work the way you would like. I know now (after 11 yrs married with divorce pending) that I will not date outside the church again. I had to work really hard to try and be happy, but it just wasn't the same. We didn't have similar goals or values in the end. I would give one final word of advice. If he loves you and respects you, how about do what is necessary to get married in the temple ? Now thats a good idea :)

I'll admit I haven't read every reply in this thread. I'll just give my 2 cents and leave it at that. Mistie, based on all that I have read and see, I'll just say that I don't think you'll have any problems. I have my doubts with my own personal situation and my future, but lets put it in the Lord's hands and let him guide us. When you are serving the Lord he is bound and will bless you. Focus your life on Him and let Him be your guide. You and your children's life will be blessed. I am pulling for you.

Going through a divorce myself (she filed) , I'd say that you need to get this thing filed so you can begin moving forward. She clearly has moved on and has put you in the rear view mirror. I'd suggest you do everything you can to do the same. And yes, delete the Facebook. I even blocked her from my cell because I don't want the drama. Email works well because it leaves a record and keeps us "nice." I wish you luck with what you are going through. I also hope to find an eternal companion in the future. I hope we both find what we are looking for :)

I just wanted to provide an update on my situation. Primarily, to get some feelings out in an attempt to aid in healing. We have now been separated over 4 months. I see the kids once a week and every other weekend. I find that my best days are when I do not have any contact with my wife. This week we had a court hearing and I did not sign an agreement to settle matters. We went before the judge and are awaiting the Judge's orders. For once throughout this separation, I felt as though I had a voice. It was a good feeling, one I haven't felt in awhile :) So here we are....My wife is now a stranger to me when I see her at church with the kids. I do not speak to her as I am not sure I can control my emotions. I just figure that no contact is better than loosing control and saying hurtful things. I do not want to engage in negativity as it has left me feeling empty and angry in the past. I will go through this divorce proceeding with dignity. In my pleadings, I only described how I was a fit and good father and that I deserved to have a presence in my kid's lives. I did not mention my wife in my pleadings. I get the opportunity to review her pleadings and she totally threw me under the bus. I had an affair, was acting "wierd", and missed a couple of visitations with the kids. WOW, I thought. Divorce is war. Oh well, I will not engage in that manner. I will hold my head high and refuse to discredit her as a mother. Through this I have been at church every Sunday, read the BOM stories to my children, and prayed more than ever before in my life. For me this is great progress. Despite my struggles day to day, I pray that in the long term things will work out. What does "work out" really mean at this point ? I really don't know. I pray the Lord will provide a way.

I have mixed feelings on my 1 yr of physical separation requirement for a no fault divorce. Would I like to think it will help our relationship heal and we will want to work out our issues? Yes. Will it happen? No. So, now its just merely a date in the future that I will have to wait out until I can list myself as "divorced" on a dating site. Until then, I'm married on paper and am in limbo.

You and your wife both need a serious REALITY check. Take a look into the future with me for a minute. Think of the following before you do anything stupid: split custody, child support, alimony, co-parenting, kids asking why you aren't coming over to mommy's house for Thanksgiving, dealing with your EX for the rest of your life b/c you will always be the parents to the kids, etc etc..... This is the reality of a DIVORCE. You should not consider filing for a divorce unless you understand that your entire life and your kids lives will be changed forever. However, could it be a wake up call for you and your wife....Maybe. Sometimes we all need a wake up call because our marriage can get in such a rut. And for some reason we just dig it deeper and deeper. Do you fix your car when it is not broken ??? No, you only fix it when it doesn't work. Sometimes things have to break completely before we recognize it has be fixed. I would recommend staying in it for your kids and making the best of it. You two chose each other. You had kids and made a life together. Make it work. I sense a lot of "victim" talk in your original post. What are you doing to make your wife's life easier ? You should be focused on her and not you. Or else, based on my marital experience (which is over by the way) you will never progress. (btw - I gave my wife the nice house, the car, the "stuff" and it got me no where -- STUFF is Useless....love and meeting each others needs will create a life) I would simply not give up yet, b/c the alternative is hell on earth.

Bambi, I recently decided to tell my wife about an affair I had several years ago. There were some other circumstances involved (wife had a bf also), but she decided our marriage is not worth repairing. I waited a number of years to tell her. She inquired why I didn't tell her immediately. Of course, I was ashamed and scared to tell her. She felt I wasted several years of her life b/c she would have left me immediately had she known. So applying my situation to yours I would say that you must be prepared to have your world turned upside down when you tell your husband. Although, I personally believe men are more willing to forgive adultery than women. I would have never imagined the fall out of my life when I decided to admit I cheated on her. Do I regret telling her ? I honestly am not sure. I miss my kids, my wife, my house, my life. I know long term it will likely be worth it. Right now there are some days I wonder if I want to even wake up. So keep these things in mind as you move forward. The bottom line is I don't think there is a good time to tell. It is going to be TOUGH anytime you have to tell your spouse you cheated on them and betrayed their trust and broke your marriage covenent. But your spouse does deserve the truth. He will decide your immediate future from there. Good Luck and stay strong in the gospel. The atonement is the way back.

Rimmer, I'm right there with ya. Apparently being a man is a crime in approx 36 out of 50 states. I'm finding out more and more that just because you were there during conception doesn't amount for much except for child support. Doesn't mean you'll have an active role in your kids lives. Especially if the mother makes things difficult. My STBX has talked a big talk about access to the kids, but she is not yet walking the walk. I feel your pain my man. You're not walking down this path alone. I worked out of town for years and therefore my friends in this area is limited. Send me a PM if you want to kick the trees together.

I know how you feel right now Rimmer. On my thread, my wife and I are having similar problems as we are separated and headed to divorce. It is the LAST thing I want, but she is in an affair fog and resents me for an affair I admitted to. We have 4 kids and I feel like I have lost everything. I even quit my job to be closer to home for my kids. I see them a couple of times a week. I am struggling mightily. I talk to friends/family a lot and it seems to help. We will both get through these trying times. Lets put our faith in the Lord and ask him to ease our burdens. We will get through it. It will not be easy.

Just wanted to update status. Found photos of wife with new man. Also found conversations that lead me to believe she is going down a dark road. I informed the bishop of the findings. I didn't know if this was the best thing to do, but she is still my wife (at least on paper) and the mother of my children. It hurt to see photos of her in the arms of another man. Ok, so she doesn't want to work on us. But, to be with the other man during this is a slap in the face. She doesn't own up to her actions and tells me she is separated and I have no say in her life. I know only the Lord can soften her heart, but she still has her free agency. I feel so alone through all of this.

Yeah, there is some truth to these things. I told her b/c I had to get it out. It wasn't to up her relationship so to speak. I revealed it after she said it was over. I let it out and that was that. Would like to change jobs....$2500 in child support tells me I don't have a choice. Isn't life grand ?

Agree with this completely Judo. I know that if I had showered her with flowers everyday (as she mentioned) it would be something else that I was doing wrong. The more I think about it, the more I think she really is done with US. It's not what I want, but I can accept it. I truly believe I will miss who she was but not who she is now. I'm going to be scared of women for awhile after this event. Divorce was never in my vocabulary before she initiated all of this. I would have never filed for divorce unless things were really bad. 10 more months of separation.....let the ride continue.

So, the drama continues.....I have been in very limited contact with my wife the last few weeks. She has absolutely hated it. I did talk to her last night. She wants me to be her friend, but I want to be her husband. During the conversation I talked about taking her for granted, not putting her #1 in my life, and just let her know the loss of her has been difficult. So I was extremely vulnerable. I did not beg or plead, but just let her know I realize where I fell short in our relationship. I think it went well. She did mention that if I had loved her I would be fighting for her through this separation. This took me a little by surprise. She has been in such a "fog" with her "facebook flame" that I have never been able to get her attention back. Well her dad is sick right now and she flew to see him today. I have the kids and she seems a bit "normal" should I say. I see this as a possible opportunity to show her I can be her support and that I love and care for her. Anybody have any thoughts about what to do here ? Does she want to be courted again or fought for ?? I would do whatever it takes to save my family.

Thanks Juan. I appreciate the advice. Any thoughts on how I accept the fact that I will only see my children on every other weekend and Wed nights ??? This is part of the fallout of divorce. As a father, how do I deal with this lack of time with my kids ? The state I live in simply doesn't award joint custody to fathers if the mother is in the picture. I just don't get it. My wife doesn't want to give joint custody b/c it will reduce the child support that is owed. Lord, let me have patience and faith through this most difficult time. I am just at a loss and never felt so distraught in my life.

You are correct. Living in the Bible Belt has its disadvantages. Apparently, my state frowns on divorce and requires the one year seperation for a no fault divorce. This allows the parties to "be sure that they want it." Wife was going to file under adultery, but that is a long story. She felt guilty and is filing under 1 year physical separation. This brings up a question. How in the world do I wait 10 more months while in limbo heading toward divorce ?? I am also considering moving to a nearby city because I am currently too close to soon to be ex (STBX). I love my children, but I am having a hard time being myself and upbeat during this whole ordeal. My youngest kids are 3 yr old twins and the thought of not being around is just terrible. Divorce is a selfish, selfish thing. Where is the compassion? What happened to don't give up on your spouse ? ? I just don't get it.

I appreciate the replies. I do not have a job right now, b/c I just couldn't fathom traveling for work anymore. I had only done it to support my family and now I am focusing on being around for my children. The money is taking a back seat on my priority list. I do believe I can obtain a job fairly easily when I'm emotionally ready. I do agree my wife is practically indifferent to me. Why does she then find the need to engage me in conflict or negativity? I no longer reply to her hurtful emails. I want her to feel the seriousness of her decision without being there to help her through it. I have gone to limited contact with her and she hates it. I think she has a hard time letting go of me completely. I am struggling mightily with this, but it is worse when I see her or I talk with her, etc. My thoughts of having an ideal family have died and that is the toughest part of all of this. She did tell me that the affair that I had was the straw that broke the camels back. I've learned I obviously cannot change my past decisions but can only have impact on future decisions. I pray daily and have not missed a Sunday since she told me how she felt. I am on a difficult road, but the one I left with guilt/remorse was not easy either.

I am struggling with my current situation and new some input. Background info - married 11 years (met when 19 yo) and have 4 children (all under 8 yo). My wife and I married civilly and had initially planned to be sealed in temple. I fell away from church and have been largely inactive for a decade. We never made it to the temple. I was born into church and wife got baptized while were we dating. I have travelled extensively with job while wife was SAHM with kids. In the last 5 yrs I have been absent at least 6 mnths of year. I had an affair (STUPID I KNOW!!!! stupid, stupid, stupid) when I started to travel. It lasted 6 wks and was a no strings attached type situation. I did not tell my wife. Well I have held the guilt and remorse inside all this time until recently. Recently I received a phone call from wife while working out of state and she said she no longer wanted to be married. She actually sent me a text that she was filing for separation. I couldn't believe it. I came home and she was a different person. She had no interest in me at all. Long story short, she reconnected with old high school flame on Facebook and has been talking extensively on the phone with him. They have seen each other but she said it did not become physical. She immediately told me she did not wish to work on us as she was DONE. Well, I told her I had stepped out of the marriage 6 yrs earlier and apologized profusely for my stupidity. She forgave me immediately, but didn't seem to care much about it. In a sense it gave her justification for her feelings of ending the marriage. Fast forward....We meet with the bishop and I admit my affair. Bishop asks if wife would like to reconcile and she says "no." She has told all her friends and my relatives that she is moving on and is happy as can be. She has told no one about her Facebook friend. She told me he is moving to area after 1 yr (he is military and in Afghanistan) and they will begin dating at that time. Soooooo. We are in mnth 2 of a year long separation before a divorce can be finalized. I am basically a shell of my former self. I see my kids a couple of times a week. I no longer have my family, house, job, or life. I'm in a tough spot. I am going through the repentance process and am relying heavily on family, friends, and the Lord. I want to know if I should give up on my marriage and try to move on or should I fight for it and hope wife softens her heart ?? I am just lost here. Sad, that here I am ready to commit my life to the gospel and my partner is going the other direction. Any advice would be appreciated!

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I to am in the divorce process as my wife did not want to reconcile after problems on both sides of our marriage. It breaks my heart for my four children and I feel the same sadness for your marriage. Keep your faith in the Lord and his teachings. Prayer, church, family, and friends has been my only peace.

You must move on. She is running your life. You need to take back the reigns. I know it is easier said than done, as I am going through a divorce currently and I also have some co-dependency issues. But from the outside, you need to push forward and live the life you are in and not the one you had hoped for.