gunnut78

It may sound bad, but it is nice to know that I am not alone in fighting this issue. Thanks for all the insight. My family has been telling me for years that she is getting what she wants and as long as she does there is no reason for her to change her behavior. Thanks for the book referance. I will read it when I am done with "Crucial conversations". God bless

Thanks for the responses. I am at that point of peace right now with the thought of a divorce. I am trying to get all of the information about divorce before I go through with it. that is why I am posting here. So thank you all for your responses. They have given me alot to think about. Yes I have recognized the "Victim" tone myself as well as others who have brought it to my attention. I will discuss that further with my counselor. I have read a great bood by Melody Beatie called Codependent no more and the the similarities are eerie. Like reading my life in a book. I do believe that codependancy is a huge issue and am trying to learn how to break the cycle. That is one reason I want a spouse, current or different, that will understand and work to do things different. But what do you do when your spouse will not, actually says will not participate in any marriage healing activities? I feel like I am married to a drug user and keep justifying reasons to stay in the marriage. Yes I have thought about the enabling. An I am sure that I am feeding her behaviors by not standing up to her, but then it gets ugly. Viscious cycle. Where does it end. I think about my kids and what it would be like for them to be loved like I am seeing others loved and accepted. It breaks my heart to think of them growing up and having the same problems I am. You all have given me alot to think about. thanks again.

I just had the 11 year anniversary of my temple marriage. I am now in the exploritory stages of divorce after having done all I can do. When does a person say enough is enough and move on? We have been to 3 different LDSFS counselors for marriage help. Have talked to every bishop we have had. We have moved about 10 times. Have 3 kids, 2, 7, and 9 yrs old. I am currently seeing a counselor on my own. I am reading books, taking meds for anxiety, depression, going to the gym regularly, and doing all I can to make me the best person I can. She will not go to the gym, take meds, see a counselor or the Bishop for that matter. She reads christian romance novels all day long!! She is very controlling, tells me what I can eat in the house, what I can spend money on. She is a Jerk to me and my kids. Yells, very controlling. I have to do all the dishes even though I didn't eat off any of them. I expect to do my share, but doesn't 2 jobs count for anything? She even tells me what kind of car I can have! I work 2 jobs so she can have the nice house, new car, the stuff she wants. I am never home and quit my calling as executive secretary when she said she was going to leave if I didn't. She just started working part time as a teacher substitute. She gives NO positive reinforcement, nags, negative comments all the time, cuts me down. No affection either. sex, hold hands, she won't let me touch her, see her naked etc. She won't wear lingerie for me but dresses in very tight clothing and too short skirts, etc when we go out. She has a great figure and I am very attracted to her but I do not feel any attachment to her because she treats me so bad. She wants another kid, I told no till she treats me and the kids better. I am not overweight but could loose 10lbs or so. She told me if I had a 6 pack she might have sex with me. I try to take care of myself with personal hygien, etc. I think there are some serious codependency issues here. She will not do anything to help. I have slept on the couch for over a year because it kills me that I can't touch her (nonsexual) in bed. I need a companion that returns my affection and treats me and my kids with respect and dignity. My current bishop said I have put up with more than most men he knows. He would not reccomend a divorce obviously. I plan on giving her more chances to change, see a counselor, get on meds, whatever it takes over the next few months. I expect her to turn me down like she has in the past. All my family and hers have told me to leave her! Even her mom said she doesn't why I stay with her. I really worry about the kids, but will it do more harm to stay than to go? I don't want to break a temple marriage, but is there anything left of it anyway? When do you call it quits and move on? I don't want to live in an eternal marriage that is torture. Any suggestions would be helpful.