grownfromaseedwithin

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About grownfromaseedwithin

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  1. grownfromaseedwithin

    Is it possible to be so spiritually sick that you're physically sick?

    I talked to my old Bishop and some old friends from the Church. They have been helping me integrate into my new ward. It is still a little scary, but one step at a time.
  2. I am an inactive member. I was baptized in September 2010 and within a matter of 7-8 months I fell away from the Church for various reasons. Before this time I was battling medical problems that affected my school and job performance. I also battled bulimia and depression for years. Then along came an old friend who introduced me to the Church and I was instantly in love. All of my problems instantly disappeared. I was happier than ever. Physical ailments no longer existed and I was able to be social. But after I fell away it was a few months before I became ill again. And this was with a vengeance. Over the last 3 years that I have been inactive and not living the principles, I have seen a very sharp decline in my health. It's at a point where I had to take a year off school, am unable to work, and can barely eat anything. I'm miserable and depression is starting to set back in. When I was going to Church I often heard leaders talk about spiritual sickness. And how when someone sins they begin to lose that essence and eventually become dead inside. I think this is what has happened to me. I left the Church for conflicting reasons and over time the healing that Heavenly Father brought me eventually dissipated and I have essentially poisoned myself. Do you think this could be true? And how do I reverse it? I have thought about going back to Church many times but feel ashamed/embarrassed/afraid. It has been a long time and now instead of being in a YSA, I would be in a family ward--I'm married to a non-member. I'm just not sure how to approach this mess.
  3. grownfromaseedwithin

    What to do?

    I am a year away from a BA at the university, but I am currently taking a year off to regain my health. My husband is in his last year in his Master's degree and will be seeking a job after. However, my husband is going to try and get a job wherever he can get one, even if it means that we must move out of state and away from our families. I know it is important for him to get a good job and I totally support this front, however if we move away I will not be able to complete my degree. I have hopes of going onto graduate school, but my husband says this is probably not possible for me if we couldn't afford it. I am an English major so getting a job within this field of study generally requires a Master's at least. I have extensively told him how important it is for me to finish my degree and how much I really want to go to grad school. If I don't get my degree I don't have a chance of getting a good job in the future. It is important for me to get a job as staying home as a mother is not an option for me (I cannot have children--husband does not want to adopt). I'm not really sure what to do? I feel really trapped in what I can do with my life because my husband will be doing everything before me-- graduating from grad school, finding a job. My future rests with his decisions, but he doesn't stop to see just how much these decisions affect me. What I do with my life is literally dependent upon his decisions. This does not apply to him in the same way though. I talked to my Bishop and he mentioned that perhaps if I was able to find a way to go to grad school or even to finish my degree, my husband and I could live away from each other in order to accomplish this. I was a little surprised by this, but my Bishop told me that it is important for both the husband and wife to be happy, even if that means making sacrifices, such as living in different cities so there is no resentment or regret in the relationship. I don't know if I could handle living away from my husband. I hate spending the day away from him while he's at school. But what would you do? In terms of the conflicting desires. Although this decision is not yet upon us in terms of what the future will hold (where my husband gets a job) we have been talking about this. And I always feel like he doesn't care about what I want to do because he always tells me that thinking about school for me isn't important right now. Confused. Also: we talked about me potentially going to school wherever we ended up moving. But this still posed a lot of problems. Not all universities have English degrees and there may not be a university in the city that we move to. And requirements differ from university to university so even if I was accepted, I may have more than 1 year to complete which equals more money in loans, etc. Plus, out of state tuition is really expensive and you have to live in the state for at least 1 year in order to qualify for in-state tuition which would mean that I would have to take an additional year off of school. This has bee stressful.
  4. grownfromaseedwithin

    Family Ward or YSA?

    Yeah I have found that if you don't hit it off right coming into a singles ward it's hard to make friends. Thankfully when they did missionary meetings with me I met a girl who would become my best friend and she was the most popular and outgoing member in the ward which meant she had a LOT of connections. It made it so much easier for me to blend in. Unfortunately I met these people at college and I don't live in the city anymore. It is just a bit scary going into a family ward because I have never been. Plus my husband may or may not come with me on occasion and I was just concerned about how I'd fit in. I can be very social when I get to know people, but sort of awkward when meeting people. I also have it on my shoulders that I left the Church and now I'm back. I'm just hoping people won't judge for marrying a non-member and leaving the Church to begin with etc. But thank you for easing my tension some. I've already been a little stressed about talking to the Bishop and going in general. This Sunday will be the first Sunday in 18months that I have been. It's scary, but I know that this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. :]
  5. grownfromaseedwithin

    Family Ward or YSA?

    I am slowly making my way back into the Church after a year and a half of inactivity. I was recently married in the beginning of July, but my husband is a non-member. When I met him I had been inactive for a few months. Now that I want to go back to Church I would really like to make some friends and have a community, but my husband would not be attending church with me. So I was wondering if it would be better for me to be in a YSA ward with other young people (I am 23) or if I am considered a family now that I'm married? I'm a convert so I never really learned about the difference about this as I was baptized in 2010. I've only ever been in a YSA Ward. Also is it hard to make friends with people in the wards if you're already married? Especially viewing my situation, an inactive member married to a non-member. Just need some input because I'm not sure where to start to get back.
  6. grownfromaseedwithin

    Gift of the Holy Ghost?

    If you a person goes inactive, engages in unclean behavior (i.e. drinking, engaging in premarital sex, questioning God) but decided to come back to the Church and repent, would they be able to get the Gift of the Holy Ghost Back? That is, if they were already baptized and received the Gift once before, but the Spirit left them because of their decisions, could the Spirit come back and remain with them once more? Just curious because I was inactive for about a year and am now just going back to Church. I felt the Spirit when I was studying and it struck me to think about if I could ever have it stay with me always. That is of course as long as I keep the Lord's Commandments.
  7. grownfromaseedwithin

    Engaged to Non-Member

    They haven't changed. I dropped the subject and didn't go. My fiance got weird on me because I used to date my best friend for several months before me broke things off and we still talk. But at the time of me wanting to go back I wasn't sure who to talk to so I talked to him and my fiance didn't like that. So I thought it would be safe for me to not go into that territory. My friend was going to show me the Institute on campus as I had just transferred univerisites and all my friends and knowledge had to do with my old university. My fiance is still pretty very not cool with the whole Mormon thing. He hasn't made fun of it until recently though, but he kind of drives me down about it. I think he is trying to put "sense" into me the way my family did when I told them I was getting baptized. But he doesn't know anything about the Church. I tried to get him to read on it, but it doesn't interest him. He just listens to me about him and then doesn't say anything or tries to talk me out of going because of one thing or the other. Usually has something to do with my life now as I'm not going to Church. Would I be able to talk to missionaries about this? I live 10 minutes away from the Mesa Temple. I have yet to visit it. I don't have a Temple Recommend, but I think I'd like to go just to sit in peace and think about things.
  8. grownfromaseedwithin

    Engaged to Non-Member

    When he wants to "talk" to me about Church, he says that I should do whatever I want. And if I want to be Mormon so bad then I should just do it but if we fall apart it's my fault. We can't have a sensible conversation about the subject. It's really hard on me. I know that my choices affect him, I'm just not sure if he's trying to control me because he's afraid he'll lose me (he said that he's afraid if I go back to church I'll find someone and want to marry them in the Temple and leave him) or because of some other reason. He hasn't been real clear. I've asked him but he gets so touchy about everything. I've painted him in a pretty bad light, but he's only like this on this issue. Everything else he's wonderful on. I love him so much and couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. But this religion thing is a very big issue. He's convinced that I'll see that once I'll go back to Church that I won't be happy, it'll just make me realize how wrong I was about the whole thing and that all I really want is friends. True, I want friends because I have never had friends like I have in Church. But it's more than that. I'm spiritually unhappy, just unhappy as a whole really. It's gotten to the point where our "Mormon" talks are affecting other parts of our relationship. I'm willing to make it work even if he doesn't end up becoming Mormon. But I'm not so sure if he'd be on board with the whole thing because it would mean that I would inevitably change. For the better for me, but I'm afraid he would only see that change as a negative thing. I don't know. I'm going to explore some church resources and see what I can do in ways of getting back to Heavenly Father. I really want to talk to a Bishop. One step at a time...
  9. grownfromaseedwithin

    Engaged to Non-Member

    I am a convert to the Church, baptized on 9.25.10, but fell away in March of 2011. I have tried to find my way back to Church, but at the time I left, I was confused and not sure what to do. Being the only member in my family caused everyone to pull away from me so I left because I didn't want to lose my family. In that time since March, I haven't been to church in a year, but I want to go back. However, I am engaged to a non-member and we're to be married by the end of this year. He knows my past and how sensitive I am on the subject of the Church because it helped save my life (I suffered from an ED for several years and was about to give up on fighting it). Me and my fiance have had issues like all couples. As I am ill right now, suffering a lot of GI issues and frequenting the doctor several times a week, he is supporting me. He's paying for my medical bills, helped me pay for university, and pays for the apartment we live in together. Without him I wouldn't be going to school right now, have a car, or be able to afford my medical needs. But he thinks Mormonism is a joke and every time I talk to him about me going back to Church, he gets defensive and angry with me and tells me I don't live that life anymore and should forget about it. I am not sin free. When I left the Church, I tried my best to fit in with my family again-- started drinking (not anymore), engaging in pre-marital intercourse with said fiance, cursing, dressing immodestly, and questioning Heavenly Father and if he played a role in my life or I was crazy like my family thought. So for a time I was happy, yet now I am seeing that the life me and my fiance live is not so happy. I don't have any friends, we stay at home all day long, except going out for doctor's, school, or shopping. He is on the computer ALL the time and it drives me nuts, yet when I talk to him about it it doesn't phase him. He is a a great guy and I could NEVER fathom leaving him, but I don't know what to do. The reason why I haven't gone back to Church sooner is because of him. Because he's not included in it and he told me he could never ever be Mormon. Last night we went out to a movie with a few friends (his sister, her boyfriend, and sister's friend), and he brought up how I was invited to a Mormon wedding which I didn't go to because he didn't think it was fair for me to go and leave him at home. And he sat there and made fun of the Church and Temples with them as if it was some massive joke to him. When we left I broke down and he apologized for being a jerk, but it's been bothering me really bad. I'm in this moping funk because of it. Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I should do. I'm afraid I'll be judged for living with my non-member fiance if I go back to Church and that it might tear us apart. He says that me wanting to be Mormon is what is driving a wedge between us. But he doesn't seem to think it's such a big deal that I gave up so much to be with him and I'm not happy. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to get things off my chest because I don't know how many more times I can talk to my fiance about being Mormon. He just doesn't seem to think I'm serious. I've been praying and praying, but I don't know what else I could do. Does anyone have any advice? I'm afraid that if I go back to Church and talk to a Bishop (I don't even know what my homeward is) that they'll say that I'm not worthy to take Sacrament or can't repent until I leave my situation (i.e. living with finace regardless of whether we engage in sexual acts--I don't want to anymore-- breaking the purity laws, etc.). Anyone ever been in this situation? For reference I'm a 22 year old female, going on 23 in May, and would be in a YSA ward. And absolutely none of my family is Mormon so I don't know who to talk to and haven't talked to my Mormon friends in a long while so I don't know who to go to. Please help, I'm depserate!
  10. grownfromaseedwithin

    Engaged to Non-Member

    I meant that he was afraid of it mostly. I am perfectly fine with him not being a member. It would be amazing to marry in the temple, but I am not banking on the fact that I ever will. The only reason why I meant the uncertainty of how I felt was because I feel like me being in the Church WILL cause problems. I'm not saying it will actually happen, just that there's a possibility because there is resistance on his part. I am all for making our marriage work. I'm just not sure how else to assure him that I'm not going to pick up and leave more someone who wants to get married in the Temple. If that makes sense.
  11. grownfromaseedwithin

    Engaged to Non-Member

    I have been inactive for 7 months and am starting to find my way back to the church. During that time, I met my fiance and we dated and now we've been engaged for several months. I have no plans on leaving him as I love him more than anything in the whole world. However, he knows that I am thinking about going back to church. We talked and agreed that we would both wait and see in a month's time if going back to the Church is something that I am really serious about doing. The he said he would go to church with me as a support. But he told me that he will NEVER be Mormon and that is something that I need to understand. The biggest issue with me going back to church is that it will inevitably split us and I fear that. I feel like it might cause some issues with me going to church and I don't want to be the one to ruin our relationship. I feel like I should be conscious of how this decision is going to affect him as well. What should I do? Any advice on how I can talk to him? Or ways in which I can comfort him? He is really afraid I am going to meet someone at Church when I go back and want that Temple marriage (which I do) and leave him for that. I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be as much a part of this as I because I want to do it together.
  12. grownfromaseedwithin

    Inactive member trying to find way back

    Thanks HappyJoy. It's just really hard since I am doing this alone, in a sense. I am just getting a lot of resistance from my fiance. He admitted to me that's he afraid the church will pull us apart and I will find someone in the church and leave him to marry in the Temple. I love him more than anything in the world, so it's hard for me to make the right decision. I am praying and studying scriptures right now as I promised him that I would do this before making a decision. We agreed that if I am still feeling this same way in a month's time that he will go to church with me and support me 100% without resistance no matter my choice. I think his biggest issue, however is the sex thing. Which we have unfortunately had several "fights" over. But I think in time he will understand why I am doing this. "'Endure to the End." Endure indeed.
  13. grownfromaseedwithin

    Inactive member trying to find way back

    Thanks everyone! You really helped me.
  14. grownfromaseedwithin

    Inactive member trying to find way back

    So, to start off with this I just want to warn you that this is probably going to be a bit of a lengthy post because I have a lot on my chest and don't know where to start whatsoever. This is why I need your help and advice. So to begin my story I was baptized a convert on September 25, 2010. I was introduced by a male friend and he slowly started talking to me about the church when I had questions about it upon discovering he was LDS. We started hanging out the summer before my baptism and before I went to university where I would be moving a hundred miles to live in the dorms. He was a big help and the answer to my prayers to find help. I had been severely depressed and suffering from bulimia from over 4 years and was just literally fed up with life. I was hopeless and beyond repair, or so I thought. Then we started talking again (I met him at work but I left--Facebook of all things reconnected us per chance). I went to church with him the Sunday before I left for school. It was the most amazing feeling of my life. I loved every second of the church, although I was a little shy and overwhelmed. I had never really had many close friends and the community was what really surprised me and drew me to learn more. I just felt right about it. So I seeked out the LDSSA at NAU and called the sister missionaries. I was baptized within a month of beginning lessons. I was so happy and made tons of friends instantly. The only problem was my family. I have a twin sister and she is very against religion because she feel it's social control. She's very for freedom of religion, expression, etc. I grew up in a very liberal home. We never went to church, my mother had grown up Methodist and rebelled because of its constraints she said. She just wanted to live her life without guilt and still believe in God. Neither her or my father believed church was necessary to worship God or pray. So all my life I have been spiritually uncertain. It's the worst feeling in the world. I have grown up to embrace science and things like evolution are second nature. But still I can't seem to shake the inability for me to find a church or religious affiliation that suited me or fit me. Until I found Mormonism. I was very strong my first semester at school, all through the winter holidays. I started dating the friend who introduced me to the church. My family however had begun to pull away from me. It was like I didn't have relationships with them anymore. They accepted me for what I chose-- I had had many conversations with concerned friends and relatives over the matter and they respected me--however, they were guarded. I couldn't talk to my sister anymore who was my closest friend because she felt like she would offend me. Then eventually we weren't talking ot hanging out all that much. I slowly noticed I was being consumed by church related activities: church, home teaching, FHE, CES Firesides, Friday Night Activities, my calling, conferences, etc. I became aware I was putting the church first over my family. Why I became inactive led up to one thing after another. My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowehere and he was my closest friend, the one who anchored me into the faith and supported me. He was the one close to home since he lived in the same city I lived, we just went to different schools. I didn't know what to do. I became severely depressed come February and my sister was worried I was not happy anymore. I had started into my old habits of restricting my food because I felt guilty. I talked to my Bishop and he suggested I see a counselor. However, I went home to visit my parents that same day back to the city and ended up staying at home for 2 weeks. My twin sister came out to me that she was bi-sexual and that she was worried I would reject her for being attracted to women. My mother often times would call me and hear about all my new friends and then worry that she wouldn't be able to see me get married because I would be doing so in the temple. And I being the only member in the family, no one would be able to go in. For one, I am very liberal. I believe gays have just as much of a right to be loved. So because of my conflicting views about things that I learned more and more about the church, I just stopped going. It started with just skipping a day because I was terribly sick. I was sick for weeks and I was unable to make it to church. I was visited by my friends and they brought me soup and tissues and cough drops. But after spending close time with my mother and father for those 2 weeks I was home and attending my home ward (which was drastically different than the fun and energetic ward I was used to as NAU), I just had no desire to continue going. Eventually I fell off the radar and haven't been to church since February if you count in the fact that I was sick for much of February and unable to attend church. The decision wasn't really made till March. NOW, I am having severe spiritual conflicts. One is that I keep being bombarded with LDS things such as finding out classmates are mormon, a sweet text from an old friend telling me she missed me on her way back from conference, or all of my friends from the Institute getting engaged and married. I just miss having friends, but I am in a rut. I am engaged to a non-member. I have become unworthy in numerous ways. From drinking to pre-marital sex and cursing, and questioning God, I don't know how to find my way back. I want to go back and see if it is where I truly belong. But I can't be baptized again because I am unworthy and I am engaged and living with my fiance. Due to issues with finances I was unable to return to NAU this year and am now attending a university closer to home, but still a good 45 min drive from my parents. I had no where to go after I came back from university because my parents wanted me charge pay rent but I was unable to find a job. I didn't have a car or any money. My parents were struggling financially. So I moved in with my boyfriend temporarily and then due to a lot of things, I was forced to go to a different school at last second. I know everything happens for a reason, but I don't have any plans of leaving my fiance under any conditions unless it is absolutely necessary because of infidelity or some other awful thing. And this is where coming back to the church is very hard for me. He understands that the Church helped save my life, but he doesn't understand the strict lifestyle of LDS members or the concept of religion, especially that of Christianity. Talking to missionaries is kind of out of question because for obvious reasons I know that right now they would tell me I would have to repent and it is not right for me to be baptized again because I am living with someone who is not yet my spouse. My Bishop is in Flagstaff and I never went to church enough where I am now to get to know the one in that ward. And now I have moved, my home ward is now a totally new one. So talking to my Bishop doesn't really work. Is it possible for me to go back? I feel like I need answers to questions and I just don't know how to go about getting them. I just need to talk to someone. I feel so lost. I have talked to some friends from my old ward, but they just say I have to repent, but they have no idea to help me in my situation with being engaged and such. I just feel like my spirit is telling me this is where I need to go, I just know how to start picking up my feet or which direction to take. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to explain my situation. I thought it would help if you had any advice to give me. I deeply appreciate anything that would help me or even lighten my heart. I know I need it. Thanks!