Elegreen

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I was going to say this same thing. When you grow up doing this with boys this age, your going to have an attraction to it more….. Also I guarantee the reason why she wasn't interested in sex while married is because its not as "exciting as it once was". …… I have girlfriend who is in the same boat (but she is just like your wife) and I have talked to her about her marriage for the past 5 years. She has kept things from her husband, under the radar, and it is just barely coming to the surface. The way she keeps her house, her mood all the time and sexuality with her husband quite similar. She was inactive before and made a 180degree change by getting sealed in the temple 8 months after living a complete different lifestyle. This huge lifestyle change is so hard on anyone, thus leading her (or anyone) to be depressed/unhappy with how their life is. Although, my friend would just continue to chug along, because its what "good LDS people do". It seems like girls get married in the temple at a young age or quickly, because this is what your supposed to do….its expected…. and you have blind faith in hope that things will work out. ( this is true for men too) Don't think that I am putting down faith, in fact its the one thing that gets me through each day, but god lets things like this happen. Its part of life. Don't let this experience effect your faith because you've been living righteously and life is not working out. There are many struggles in life, and your wife is dealing with them as well Your experience is so heart breaking because I feel like I can relate. Just understand your wife's background. She probably just made a change in her life too quickly. She probably wanted to try to have another child because, "if you keep on chugging on in the marriage, things will work out…. with the attitude of "Im going to be faithful and hopeful" Her intentions were probably good and faithful being with you, but she probably just had a breaking point where she couldn't keep covering up her true self. This is what is happening to my friend, and I ache for her, but mostly her husband. I am so sorry for your experience, if your wife has felt this way (loved you as a friend) from day one, then it might not change ( you and her would be the best judge). That is how I have felt about my husband, but we are still married, going strong for 5 years, and I am very unhappy at times. If she truly feels this way, I would recommend letting her go, but its a matter of how willing she is to work on it. Although given my circumstances I am a bit biased, so keep that in mind. I would just recommend, logically thinking your situation out, making a pros and cons list, make a THOUGHT OUT LOGICAL DECISION, and then pray about the decision you are going to make. I have done this so many times in my marriage, it has been very helpful. Be prayerful for you …. and her. Good luck my friend! - also remember that children are better off in a happy separated family than a unhappy/contentious family thats together. Kids can feel when their parents don't like each other.

Do you know what specific talk this was. I am in a very similar situation, and i would love to read it. This would really help! :) anyone else can recommend a talk to.

Timpman ----------- I just read your post about not wanting to be married anymore back in March. I feel like thats very much my situtation. I am very scared that I will still feel this way when I am 11 years into it. Does it ever get easier, or do you just find that you deal witht the episodes of regret better? Besides the fact that i need to forgive myself for decisions , I wonder if underneath this confusion am I really happy with the realtionship? I feel like we have nothing in common. Do you and your wife's personalities go well, do you like the same things"? If not, how do you deal with it? I am confused on how to have a good time with eachother in which we both agree on the activity? any advice?

Thank you Dove and Sunshine40. YOu have no Idea how much that helped just hearing some words of encouragment/thought. I realize that I do try to be our therapist. I know i that i need to let go, and let him seek his own therapies. I guess i just have a fear that he'll never get around to it ( and i want him to get better). But i agree, I think it would be more healthy for me to let go of his problems. Thank your for helping me realize this. I also know that he is a great husband, I think thats why i get sad when im not so happy becusae i know that he is a really good guy. I know it took some time reading all this, so I apricate your love and concern.

This is going to be long, but I feel that I need it to be so I can have people better understand my situation, thus obtaining good advice? I have almost been married for 4 years, and for these 4 years I thoughts of divorce have raced through my head off and on. I feel like I like I just made the wrong decision because my choice was based on faith not necassarily love. I felt like becuase it was a faith vased decision it was a good thing? I have just kept this attitude since. Begining: -- the first guy I started right after i moved out from home (18) dating was my now husband. We became steady pretty quickly. I think I was infatuated at the time because he was an RM, and I felt really good about being in a relationship with him. Although i felt really good about this relationship, I soon realized that our persoanlity were very different, and as time went on it became a bigger issue. Im a very outgoing, social person, while he is nothing of the sort ( a big homebody, to himself) It was hard going to friends places while he would socialize very little. On top of this I found out that he had a porn problem, which almost ended our 1.5 relationship. But after praying about these diffrences i felt like i should still stay with him becuase he was so overly sweet and obsessed with us staying together. I did love him, and I knew that I would ultimatly crush his life/dreams/hopes/ everything If i broke up. thoughts of breaking up came up over those 2 years we dated, these thoughts came up becuase of our personality differences,I wasn't ready for a serious realtionship and other uncertanties that I felt. But I would always just stay with him becuase he would litteraly treat me like a queen and i couldn't bare to crush his heart. We ended up getting engaged, and I would I started to feel these anxieties even stronger(which i took as satan). the reason why i took them as satan is becuase when i would pray about marrying him i truely felt good about it. So i took this non good feelings as temptations. these anxious feelings were so overwhelming sometimes I almost called of the wedding twice. In the end, I just told heavenly father that I was going to marry this man becuase I had felt through prayers that it was a good thing. SO i took a leap of faith, and married him based on that. 4 years later, I now realize that those feelings were not satan, they were just me telling my self that I was not ready to get married. I was still trying to find my identiy I was only 20, and my life plan was not to get married, but i did it anyways. It was such a HUGE adjustment to what i saw my life would be that it pushed me into a deep depression. It was so hard becuase I thought that those anxiesties of being with him would go away, but they didn't. ( and I feel like they still haven't) These feelings of not wanting to be married have been intensified by our personality differences. I feel like when my married couple friends are over for a party, my husband comes off as a rude husband because he says nothing to them or to me, and usually avoids be around the group like going out side (to do chores). Its not that he dosent' like my friends he just has severe insecurities about him self and how he handles himself. I also feel like he dosn't push me to become my better self, I am much more lazy in health and spiritualty.My feelings of not wanting to be married have also intensified becuase the porn problem comes and goes, and lieing always follows. I feel like I have big trust issues> Also when i was pregnate I found out that his parents were giving us 200$ a month to help pay for rent, but he was taking it for himself for almost a year. this upset me becuase i was quiting my job to stay at home, and i was very worried about money that whole year. his spending habits have been bad, he'll open credit cards and then cancel them. I'll find items hidden all thorughout the house. He's even gone as far as to steal money from his paretns drawers to buy items. He is now in a 12 step program, which i am very proud of him for. I have very bad trust issues with him, and I feel that he is irresponsible sometimes. I would have never guessed these things of him becuase all 5 of his siblings are nothing like this. He has a very tough time with school. infact he just failed 2 of his classes. and has failed other classes in the past. I know he'll get through it. But even then, i worry that he'll get a job. This has been such a worry of mine that i have decided to go back to school, and pursue finishing my bachelors and masters. Which has been stressfull becasue i am the only one working right now becuase he focuses all his time on school. I have little faith that he'll support our family. He has extremley bad self esteem and little confidence in himself. this is why i feel like he won't be able to support us becuase i feel like he'll always settle for what ever job he thinks "he" can do. But really he has so much more potentail. He really is an amazing father and husband. The sad thing is, is that I have no other complaints about our marriage. he still treats me like a queen and does so much more around the house that i could ever do. He do what ever he can to make me happy. (this is what he says). He is also constantly worried that I'll leave him( this is becuase he knows I have had a hard time being married) I don't bring up the fact that i am STILL having hard time being here with him. The reason behind this is becuase I have been trying to help him build up his confidence and self esteem. I have prayed alot about what i should do. OF course ( just like in the past) i always stay. I guess i just hope that things will get better. I just don't want to have anymore kids if its not going to be. I also am scared I'll feel this same way in the eternities? Its not always glum though. Sometimes I am happy with him and my marraige life. But this takes alot of cognitive postive thoughts, prayer and patients> Sometimes I feel like I can keep doing this. and other times I am so tired of working so hard to be happy. I feel at sometimes its unfair i Have to work SO SO hard to be happy in a relationship, when I see others realationships who have this naturaly happen. I feel Like this has never been the case with me and him. There has always been something missing. - do i just keep sticking this out. I am only 24. I feel like i could still start over. But i also know that this idea is EXTREMLY selfish, and in a way very stupid. I guess i am just scared of what my future holds. I have actually prayed to see if I would always have some sort of issue with my marriage, and I am pretty sure it was a yes? As far as advice.... I know that i can learn be happy in my marriage. I am actually 2 years away my masters Marriage/family thearpy. So I know that any marriage can work if you are willing for it to work. I guess my question is.... Do i have the energy to keep working on it, and Did i completly screw my entire life over my basing my decisions soley on faith. I guess i just need some words of encouragement or advice. PLEASE....... has anyone else been in this same situation, did divorce make you any happier?

I was also the fiance' that was having doubts. We dated for 2 years /engaged for 6 months. With in a month or two of dating we kinda had thoughts of marriage. It took us so long to finally get married becuase I was confused with what to do. we both worked on alot of things through this time. Unlike backroads, i feel like i am still lost and confused and its been 4 years. I would like to know backroads, if you still have these issues/thoughts? if so how do you deal with them?

I have had my doubts as well, not to the point to were you are. I have just come to the realization that i love the culture and how it influences youth and children. It is very postive and uplifting. Becuase i feel this way, and i know i want my children to be raised in it, i still attend and ebrace the goodness of the religion. Even though i have my doubts and issues with this aspect, i just realize that its not way uncomfortable for me to go to church every week with my kids as long as it helps them out ( i would like to at least show and be a good example to them) I think if you mention this to your wife, that your still willing to go to church for the kids and her, i think she would really apricate that! i know i would if i was in her position.

This was my reply for a previous case for someone else, but i thought you might get something out of it. The main thing is focus on your personal happiness. what can you do to make you yourself happy. If your not happy with your self, or like your personal life, then how can you be happy with someone. Focus on strengthing yourself (make you happy), then it might be easier to focus on happy in your marriage! I have had issues in my marriage as well. Ever since we 1st started dating, I had anxieties about marrying him. WE've been married now for 4 years, and there are really good times and really hard times. My husband not at all perfect and has issues with pornography and addiction to spending money and lieing. I have always just thought throughout everything that divorce would be better as well, but then i pray and work on any aspect that heavenly father prompts me to work on. I have realized (and this is what i want to share with you) That i can NOT change my husband, but i can change my self. I have realized that if i can make my self happier than i can have a better happiness in my marraige. I have gone back to school and have focused on aspect that make me happy and help me grow and be positve in MY life. This has help me becuase it helps me not to focus on my marriage all the time, and it has also has been a good example to my husband. I show him that the gospel and other aspects of my life makes me happy, and it shines forth to him as an example. Living more postive and more proactive to change me and my attidudes about life(focusing on MY happiness outside the marriage) has really helped. Im not going to lie though, It has still been tough, and issues still always arise, but i am able to be more postive and more spiritual to deal with the problems better. Also make sure you guys do NOT DO NOT have any children until your issues are resolved. We have a child, and it has not helped the situtaion at all, and it is also not fair to the child to bring him or her into the world when your relationship isn't where it needs to be. :) Also if god is promting you to go see the bishop, then you need to go see him. The great thing about the gospel is that we have a 3rd person in our marriage and it is our heavenly father. I rely on him more than my husband lately on what to do with our marriage. YOU can always count on this advice that heavenly father gives. YOu might love your husband, but neither you or HIM is perfect. GOd is really the only one that knows whats best for you two. Good thoughts like going to the bishop is defintaly not from satan, its a definate feeling that god is giving you. ITs just a matter of what you do with that feeling