Hello, it's 1:36 am on a Wednesday (morning?) and I'm coming to you guys in desperation. Let's start this story from the very beginning. To warn you, this will be very "tl;dr", but please read anyway When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I had a friend who introduced me to the world of pornography. Yes, I was really that young. I don't want to blame all of my problems on this, but I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't think that was the source of it. Anyway, after only a couple of times at age 7, I didn't think much of it. I would have weird feelings inside for a long time that I couldn't explain whenever I saw something inappropriate. When I was 12 years old, while looking up Halloween costumes, I saw some very risque costumes. I basically ended up on a website with even more risque things (no nudity, just very risque). I can't even explain to you the tears I shed from this experience. The guilt just ate away at me. I convinced myself this sin wasn't enough to tell the Bishop. I rationalized it, saying that I was only 12, I didn't know better. I made every excuse in my head I could think of. Now, I am 17, and I have ventured into porn. Videos, pictures, ect- although I have done it a small amount of times for the past 5 years (I'd say about 10 different instances, which I guess is a lot... but when you think of it over the span of 5 years, not too much)... but recently, I've just been feeling it lately. The addiction I guess is the feeling. Just the urge, if you will. And I know it's because just about 6 months ago, I masturbated for the first time. The reason I am here is simple. I am DONE. I wouldn't say that I am addicted to porn. I am more than ready to stop this terrible thing. I want to talk to my Bishop so badly and repent and stop the guilt from gnawing at my brain before I sleep (that's exactly what was happening right before I found this site). But I have some reservations. 1) I do NOT want my parents to know. I love and trust my parents dearly, but I just can't disappoint them like this. I know it sounds contradictory, but I love the church. I go to church, read my scrips, go to seminary, say prayers, all of it... but this is just a problem I struggle with. And... I just feel like they don't need to know. I don't want them to get the wrong idea and stop trusting my others siblings who I know do not do this. So, is that okay that I don't tell them? 2) For those who have already confessed things to their bishop: do they look at you differently? I'm sure they do, they must... but... I just don't want people to look down on me for these stupid mistakes I've made. I love my Bishop so much, he's a really great guy. I'm just really scared of disappointment and resentment. 3) For those who have confessed: do you feel like you're completely forgiven? Is the guilt really gone? Because a part of me thinks that this feeling I get will never go away.
