stveater

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  1. I have a lot on my mind as of late. I think I recently hit "rock bottom" and recently realized that I didn't want to continue down the path I was going. I've struggled my entire life with the Law of Chastity. Yes even as a child I was drawn to it or perhaps a better term would be curious and exposed to it. As you've read before it got worse and worse over time and I felt their was two people within me: one I didn't like because I would feel guilty and awful if I did and the other that brought me comfort but only temporary although it did hide my pain I felt. So fast forward to now where I reached a point where I'm divorced, have 2x children, I don't have family close by, both my parents have passed, and I am alone. Going back to my problem with the Law of Chastity. Both me and my ex struggled with it during our marriage. I actually thought the reason for my divorce was all my doing because at the time I was served papers only my big secret was out. I was devastated. My family was being destroyed before my eyes. I was hoping my ex would want to work through my issues but she didn't want to. Even after I found out about her struggles, she didn't want to. This tore me. That was two years ago. As I mentioned at the beginning, I felt as alone in my life as ever recently and I'd even use my addiction to soothe the pain. I prayed for the first time in a long time and basically said "If you really, truly care about me then I will need your help. I cannot do this on my own." I felt something that night. That was two weeks ago. I've felt more and more as I've continued to do the things, I've been asked to do (I realize this isn't a one way process and that God alone will fix it). I've gone to see the bishop. He's going to counsel with the stake president. Then we will see what is needed to repent and heal. I'm scared on many different levels. Lastly, I'm unsure whether to start a relationship or not. As I mentioned, I'm alone and I do like company. Call it validation or someone caring for you or whatever. It feels nice and especially if the other person realizes what you've been through and more importantly where you are heading. The problem I'm having though is lets say everything works out and I am worthy again of the blessings of the temple (I'm looking forward to that and have a long road ahead me). Do I discuss those issues in the past with others I court? I'm pretty certain that would break trust of the partner because they'd think that's who I am and I don't want to have a relationship where the other partner is always wondering. I'll be open and honest about anything that came up during our relationship. No matter what point in the relationship. I started doing it later on in my marriage so it's something I could do. On the other hand, I'd feel I'm deceiving them. So it's either tell them "don't trust me" or I feel like a deceiver. I'm unsure. I've made mistakes. I was someone and something I never wanted to be in my wildest dreams. I'm going to change. I found something I've never relied on before and I cannot believe it took me this long to find it. I know I can be made clean again. There is only one way. Thanks for reading. I'm not sure whether or not this is in the right area or not. Apologies if so. ~ASU
  2. I don't know fully that those individuals are not happy. I didn't even know my ex was unhappy the majority of the time because it was bottled up and never expressed in any of our conversations with each other. When the d-word was brought up and I was told it was because she was not happy, my ex used those couples as examples of what she did not want and coined them as "unhappy". I believe that she thinks they are unhappy because of their actions and behavior around each other over a long extended period of time. Her grandparents' happiness also came up in conversation to her mother when she notified her mother that she was going to divorce me and the reason she gave her mom of her decision to divorce was because she was not happy. Her mother was trying to go down the path of reconciliation and mentioned that even though her grandma had put up with a lot of difficult trials with her companion, which she decided to stick to her covenants even though it was extremely difficult. I've been around both her grandma and grandpa and you can feel a certain vibe from people by their words, actions, mannerisms, and the manner in which they treat each other. Her grandparents seem stressed in a relationship stance, which my ex did not desire. I agree that happiness is determined on a personal level, which was one of my original points. One person/couple may find what they define as happiness by treating each other a certain way where another person/couple may find that to be unpleasant or not desired, which to them equates to unhappiness. In the end, my ex did not want that type of seemingly stressed relationship just for the sake of saying "I kept my covenants even though it cost me my happiness", which is what it would have cost my ex. I agree.
  3. I haven’t posted in a while and I have just been lurking around the different relationship forums. What I have read has been quite interesting. One particular topic that gets to me is this whole idea of “happiness”. Especially when you apply that term to a relationship. After being served divorce papers and gone through the entire divorce process because my ex was not “happy”, this topic personally gets to me. My original post was frantic and I wanted to know whether or not it was possible to save a relationship when one party has apparently given up. This was largely due to the fact that I had just been told that my ex wanted to divorce me and her original response from my expected response “Why?” was that it was because of my actions that caused her to be unhappy in our relationship. There are volumes I could write on the months that followed after that discussion. I wronged and she wronged was the final outcome. I was willing to work through the wrongs and she was not willing to work through them. She thought the effort was too much and that happiness should be found with little to no effort. She saw, and I see too, certain long lasting relationship that were married in the temple (e.g., her parents’, her grandparents’, some of her aunts’ and uncles’ marriages) and they are not visibly happy. Those relationships seem to be held by their temple covenants solely and they have not found happiness in that decision. Instead certain individuals chose to stick through their marriage no matter what (I’m not including any type of abuse here). My ex didn’t want that type of lifestyle and she was well on her way of going down that path and she had to make a choice: stay and be unhappy or leave and perhaps find happiness. According to the interwebs, happiness is defined as “a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.” Shortly after I was given the horrible news about divorce, I noticed my soon to be ex seemed happy, which of course bothered me significantly. I found out that she had already started in another relationship with a non-member that spoke the same love language and they got along effortlessly and it was her definition of “happiness”. The relationship started before papers were severed on both of their parts. Their relationship was rapidly accelerated and needless to say I was beside myself anger wise. The statement of “wickedness was never happiness” was and still is such a conundrum to me at this point in my life. I’m not sure people would do things if it didn’t make them “happy”. There has to be some part of the brain that responds positively to whatever action we are taking; otherwise, why would we make that decision? Why would we do something that made us unhappy? By nature, I think certain actions spark what we may coin as happiness; however, I believe those actions are illusions of happiness under certain pretexts. Here is what I found: 1) Satan mimics happiness so well and tricks us to the point that we call or believe that actions we take that are contrary to the will of God are the very definition of “happiness”. 2 Nephi 28:20-21 20 For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good. 21 And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell. 2) Our very nature is to seek out that which makes us happy and some of those items we seek are what the scriptures coin as “carnal, sensual, and devilish”. Alma 42:10 10 Therefore, as they had become carnal, sensual, and devilish, by nature, this probationary state became a state for them to prepare; it became a preparatory state. 3) We can, with the subtle help of the devil, fool ourselves to believe that our own will is what will bring us happiness even though our natural will is contrary to that of God’s will. D&C 3:4 4 For although a man may have many revelations, and have power to do many mighty works, yet if he boasts in his own strength, and sets at naught the counsels of God, and follows after the dictates of his own will and carnal desires, he must fall and incur the vengeance of a just God upon him. So what is happiness? Why did this topic, or the lack of it in our relationship, lead to the destruction of my family? I'm sure my relationship isn't the only one that has ended under the "happiness" umbrella. Several points have been raised about happiness in a few threads, which have been along the following lines: “I find happiness when I don’t focus on my happiness and I focus on other’s happiness.” “Focusing on your own happiness in a marriage is selfish.” “When you worry about your happiness you will never find it. When you worry about your families’ happiness you will find yours in spades.” I believe these statements to be true as they apply to myself; however, I believe that those statements outright are offensive to those that have been tricked into their state of happiness or perhaps even their state of unhappiness. In the end, happiness or statements about happiness are very fuzzy concepts when you try to apply it to everyone. For example, following certain church beliefs such as not drinking alcoholic beverage as part of the Word of Wisdom makes me happy; however, it does not necessarily make those that enjoy drinking to get the “buzz” and for the social aspect of drinking happy. Why did my ex's decision for happiness cause me so much unhappiness and what I see will cause problems with our 3 beautiful children down the road? Now try telling those people that enjoy what they do and are happy with those decisions that what it is that they do is just an illusion of happiness and prepare to be served :). Thank you for reading my long-winded post. I'm just pondering happiness and interested in the whole concept in general. I am just like the rest of you and seeking happiness and have seen others apparently find it in manners in which I would have never imagined possible…
  4. You have been given very great advice on this thread. Talk to your Bishop and be open and honest about it. It is not the ultimate sin and something for which there is no hope for receiving forgiveness. You are on the right path and I wish you the best luck.
  5. I had to come clean with my wife recently and even though it was extremely difficult, I thought it would be the best for both of us. I know the outcome will not necessarily be what we want it to be, but you have to be fair to yourself and your family. I believe my case is spiraling down due to me being honest, but I felt it was the right thing to do for the longer-term. Lying and deceit will sooner or later be exposed and the pain will be much greater over time.
  6. I am new as well and just learned that you must make 5 posts before you can start a new thread. Welcome to the site as I have found the threads that I am interested in very touching and helpful given what I am going through.
  7. Welcome to the site. I am new as well and enjoy reading what others have to say.
  8. Welcome. I am new to the board as well.