I truly am sorry you are having a hard time. I really do understand some of what you are enduring. I can tell you patience is huge. The Lord will heal your heart. This I know but you have to really be willing to do what ever he asks of you. Journal everything good and bad. Start walking to get the fresh air to help clear your head and listen for that still small voice and allow the Lord to guide and direct you in all that you do. The more you follow those promptings, the more they will come, and by giving you will to the Lord he can give you his grace to heal you. Once you make that choice to give it to him. His strengths comes. When thoughts that are not good come ask Heavenly Father to take them from you.