Julianna

My understanding is that bishops are not excommunicating as much as before because it isn't always necessary and the emotions involved can keep otherwise good people from returning to the church because they give up. You were very young when you left though. I would be surprised if he does anything more than give you some recommendations for how to go about strengthening your newfound testimony. Go forward, knowing the lord loves you and that you have the support and love of your family and ward (not to mention all of us and we don't even know you in real life). Things will be fine. Enjoy your new calling!

I wouldn't stress about it. I'm sure your membership is still valid, regardless of the long years of absence. That said, I could be wrong, but there are a very few callings in the church one can be asked to do even if they're not members (or are members who aren't very active or are struggling with issues). I'm fairly certain yours is one of them, along with things like scout leaders. No one is perfect. We're all at different points in our progression, and everyone has to start somewhere. If you feel good about this calling, you can act in it guilt free (it's one where your activity level really doesn't impact how well you can do your calling) and know that you are serving others, especially ones who may have been inactive for far longer than you (namely the dead who have been waiting for their chance). As for your in-laws, try to treat them with love and understand that the desire to check on you isn't motivated by hate. Many churches view ours as something to be feared, and the average person who isn't a member generally doesn't know enough about it to dismiss those irrational fears. Thank her for her concern and love, and try to maintain good relations with them. Welcome back! I recently had a friend I met while deployed in Iraq decide to return to church after more than a decade of inactivity. The struggles are many, but the joy in the gospel is worth it.

My husband and I lost a LOT of weight in the last year. As others have mentioned, it has to be a lifestyle change. The first thing I did was ignored the "daily recommended calories" for the average person. They tend to make you believe you're staying in your target range, and for YOUR body you may not be. According to the calculators out there, to maintain weight I should be eating around 2000-2500 calories a day because of how active my lifestyle is. That's all well and good, but my body's not agreeing. By cutting everything down to less than half of that and increasing my exercise drastically, I lost about 30 pounds. Since then I've been in a maintenance cycle for about a year, because I wanted to force my body to keep it off before I attemt to lose any more, but I've kept my eating around the same intake and haven't had to work nearly as hard to keep it off. Healthy foods are key. You MUST implement fresh fruits and veggies, a good amount of protein, and a relatively low amount of breads if you want this to work for you. That doesn't mean exclude grains--but get them from sources like oatmeal made from rolled oats (not the instant stuff in the breakfast aisle) and whole wheat. I am now a healthy 155 lbs after nearly 10 years of yoyoing between 168 and post pregnancy 199. My husband has lost 80 lbs in the last year after seeing what my change did to me.

I would avoid any of the details of the situation entirely. At most, if you feel you must, I would say something to the effect of "Some of you are aware my life has been in turmoil recently for various reasons. Without getting into the reasons, I can only testify of my belief in Christ, that he is our Savior, and that through him, even our heaviest burdens and trials can be overcome through our faith in him and through the atonement," etc, and so forth. Your testimony should deal only with your faith in Christ and/or principles of the gospel. Your wife's repentance, issues, and gossip are her problem. It is very difficult to deal with people you've known and loved for years when you believe they believe terrible things about you, but you can make it through this. I wish you luck! “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” --John Wooden

The Biblical accounts of creation are nonspecific enough that it could have happened almost any way imaginable. Science is consistent only in that it constantly changes. Look at what was accepted science hundreds of years ago vs. today. The more we learn, the broader our perspective is, and that doesn't do anything to disprove God or the creation, only provides a little more understanding about how it could have happened (though we may learn something in the future that totally discredits current accepted scientific wisdom). To me, it's no different than me telling my kids that I physically created them without going into detail--ever--about the specifics of their conception. It's enough for them to know I"m their parent. They have enough to focus on right now without knowing the minute little details. I would imagine that if we somehow manage to master our adolescent understanding of the gospel and perfect our ability to follow God, and still have a burning desire to know exactly how he started us all, we will find out then. Until then, for applicability in my own personal life, how God got to the point where humans were considered "created" isn't a burning priority. First, I have to get to a point where I have nothing more pressing to work on.

Whoah! The marriage hasn't even ended yet! Take a step back. First of all, yes, your marriage is valid. A bit, tainted, perhaps, but valid. Second, before you can even BEGIN to assess whether a temple cancellation is an option, you have a bunch of other steps to go through. If you haven't already, read "The Miracle of Forgiveness." Main take away from this book is that the Atonement is for everyone who chooses to accept it. Christ did this amazing, spectacular thing when He paid for our sins and died for us, but it was for all of us (yes, including you) that He did it. He didn't have a particular need or desire to be tortured and die, but He DID have so much love for YOU, individually, that He wanted you to have an out when you made the transgressions humans inevitably do. With that in mind, until you can fully repent and forgive yourself, and assess whether your husband is capable of the same, you will not know whether divorce is appropriate or necessary. You both need counseling, but more than that, you both need a heavy dose of humility. Focus first on restructuring your life and aligning it with what God has outlined for you. This can require some serious self discipline, but you wouldn't hop in a car and go on a cross country trip with no money and no map or plan for how to get there and expect that you will just magically happen upon the most direct route and have no struggles along the way. You need to know where you want to go, or you won't know when you get there. You can't force your husband to get help, but you can outline for him what will not be acceptable behavior if he loves you and wants you in his life (i.e. drinking, abuse). You can make it clear that you love him and support him and will be there for him if he wants to make improvements, but that you can't go that direction with him and be happy. I tell my husband that I won't hold the past against him--he can't go back and change the past, no matter how dearly he wants to, but that I expect great things from him in the future. When the goal is hope for the future and not a lifetime of regret for the past, we are more successful. I can't tell you what to do (other than not to have kids until you are confident that you're both on the right track and have a couple of years of stability behind you) but I can promise you that if you do the things the Lord has asked of you, and develop a strong relatioship with God as well as a healthy self esteem resulting from that relationship, you will not only know what you need to do, but be able to see the hope in whatever it is you choose. A positive attitude is a MUST, no matter what. Flirt with him, do your best to resurrect the good things about your marriage, and give it your all, and in the end if you are the one who chooses to leave because he refuses to let go of toxic behavior, at least you'll know you gave it your best. Oh...and go get a hug from someone. This is a very tough, lonely place to be. There are people around you who love you. Don't isolate yourself from them out of fear of judgment.

It completely depends on your situation. I strongly second (or third, or whatever) the advice to pray about it. During our bumpy road, my husband left for 6 months. We nearly divorced. The turning point was when I let go of my hurt and anger and forgave him and asked him to come back and work on our issues. Had we stayed separated while we tried to address everything we would not have 2 of our 4 kids and would definitely not be together. Ours was a unique situation though--we were not just dealing with normal marriage issues, but also with a myriad of other things like mental illness. What really struck me about your situation, though, is that you say he's willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, and that it's YOU who isn't sure he's your soul mate. Understand that there's a LOT of experience with pain, betrayal, and a roller coaster of good and bad times behind this when I say: Get over it! It has been my observation that women have what I call a "Cinderella complex." We grow up dreaming of who our handsome prince is, go through some frogs along the way, finally find the one we think is THE ONE, marry him, then get mad when our handsome prince turns out to be human. You cannot expect to have this magical, happily-ever-after soul mate type experience. That may, in fact happen, but it won't be after one dance and losing a shoe. It only comes after a lifetime of hard, careful work. You didn't mention any particular major faults you're finding with your husband, just that you're not "sure" he's your soul mate. The time for not being sure ended when you married him. From that point on, unless he's done something that is an absolute deal breaker, integrity demands that you put everything you have into making your marriage work, and that includes letting go of this fantasy that he has to be some sort of mythical soul mate. Your marriage is what you make of it. If you look for reasons to be happy with him and remind yourself all the reasons why you chose him above anyone else, you will find those reasons. If you want to be attracted to him and excited by him and intentionally fantasize about him and dwell on all the reasons he's amazing, you'll quickly find that he IS everything you want in a husband. Think back to all the crushes you had as a teenager, and maybe even when you started dating him. Those stupid boys (sorry guys) didn't do anything special to win your favor. Something about them caught your attention, whether it was their nice smile or the way your eyes locked when you said hello, or whatever it was, and suddenly everything they did seemed spectacular, even if it was just the way they leaned over to drink at the water fountain. Guess what? It was all you. In your mind, they were amazing, so it was a reality. If you allow yourself to believe he's spectacular, you will have no need to separate from him. By holding this back from him it is YOU who is robbing your relationship of its passion and spark, not his lack of being your soul mate. He's not perfect. I get that. But I'll bet my next paycheck that there's plenty he does for you that you're not giving him full credit for, and that if you'd start to flirt with him and treat him like he's special, you'd get a lot more out of your marriage.

I have found absolutely no evidence to suggest that the Biblical account of creation and evolution are at odds with each other. Presumably if God created the Earth, He either used the laws of nature to do so or created the laws of nature. Either way, it doesn't go into detail HOW He created people, only that He did, and that it happened after the creation of all the other living critters. There is a very plausible argument that the creation of mankind actually took generations of evolution to complete, and that it was only when the physical bodies had evolved to a satisfactory point that spirits were put into them. Additionally I remember there being alternate translations to the term "day" used in modern translations of the scriptures, and that a more literal translation would have been "a period of time" which is consistent with the teaching that a day to God isn't the same measurement of time as a day to man. What does all this mean for me? Science doesn't have to create a crisis of faith for me because from my perspective science only confirms/suggests methodology the wisdom and specific requirements needed in order to make our Earth how it needed to be.

I agree with those who have said never to bring up divorce. If your marriage is truly an eternal one, you will not discuss it as though it has a temporary status. If she brings it up, though, you need to be prepared to call her on it. Something I've used with my husband successfully is to ask if that's how he really feels. If he starts pulling the name calling and abuse, I ask if that's how he really feels, because while I'm fully invested in the marriage and willing to accept him, warts and all, the one thing I will NOT do is try to manipulate him into staying in the marriage if he doesn't feel he can be happy staying married to me. I tell him he needs to decide if he wants to be with me, and act accordingly because I respect myself enough that I will not pretend for my children that immature name calling and other extreme behavior is acceptable. I have even resorted to using them to help him come around to normalcy--I'll ask him what he would do if our daughter was dating or was married to a man who was saying or doing the things he was doing. When he says he'd kill him, I tell him that behaving that way in front of her makes her think it's acceptable behavior. It's taken years, and nothing is perfect, but little by little he is getting better. I don't name call, but I do tell him that when he acts a certain way, it makes me feel like he doesn't respect or love me. I also present him with alternate ways to approach it. If he wants me to do something, he needs to ask me to do it, not assume I'll do it. I'm also careful not to use things like "you always" or "you never." No one can change what they have done in the past. It is what it is. The only changes they can make are in the future. My discussions with him tend to be more "I'm not mad at you for this, but when you do this it makes me feel terrible. In the future, instead of (leaving your plate on the table) could you please (rinse it and put it in the dishwasher)?" I try to place reasonable requests. Communication is key, though, and she has to want things to be better. I think the turning point for us was several years ago. We were having screaming matches, and nothing was getting through. I told him I missed him, that I admire so much about him and want him to be my best friend, and that I missed the little touches, and the compliments and smiles I used to get when we were dating. I focused on all the things that made me love him in the first place, reminded him that he wasn't my only choice for marriage, but that I chose him because I felt he was the best choice for me, and that I still felt that way about him. I told him we were on the same team, and that I wanted our marriage to be one where we worked together to solve our problems rather than trying to blame them on each other. I don't care whose fault our fights are, I just want them to stop. THEN I started flirting with him and telling him what I loved about him all the time. People are funny. When you treat them well, they tend to repsond well. She may never go to counseling, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for her. You just might have to be very, very patient with her and keep reminding her what you love about her. I wish you both the best! I hope this works out for you. No matter what happens, you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life because of your son. That will be much easier if you're still married and not fighting. Getting counseling requires humility, and not all counselors are worthy of the title. Continue to love her, and when she brings up things you're doing that bother her, try to take it constructively even if that's not how it's presented. Remember that you're not any more perfect than she is, and respond kindly and humbly, then try to do better in the future. President Hinkley said that if every husband and every wife was 100% invested in the happiness of their spouse, there would never be any need for divorce (paraphrased). Keep that in mind when you're choosing your activities and when you talk to her. Finally, I try to apply what I call the "toothpaste" test. Apparently studies have found that many divorces originated from problems as small and insignificant as where the spouse squeezes their toothpaste out of the tube. One spouse allows it to irritate them so much that other little things start causing fights until the fights get bigger and bigger, and what was once a perfectly happy marriage is ending in bitter fighting. When we're fighting about something or I find myself getting irritated with my husband, I ask myself "is a $3 tube of toothpaste (or a dirty floor or a load of unwashed dishes) worth all the pain and heartache of a divorce?" Of course it isn't, and when you can put the little things into perspective and contribute to the marriage cheerfully instead of resenting how much more you do than your spouse it goes much smoother. The question shouldn't be "why doesn't he/she do more to help me?" but "Is there anything more I can do to help them?" When you think of the other person first, the rest will come.

I can tell you right now that no matter how much you love your children, if you allow someone else to pressure you into intentionally getting pregnant before you're ready, you will always resent that. The prophets have specified that how you choose to structure your family with regards to work and home is up to the couple. Throwing down the prophet card to try to force your hand is misrepresentation at best, abuse of priesthood authority at worst. A marriage is supposed to be a team effort. It's nice if your two families want to offer advice, but ultimately the two of you are the ones who have to live with the decisions. Unless they're offering to fully fund your life and his education so you can force yourself into their mold of perfection (and even then) they need to butt out and mind their own business. They aren't the ones who have to pay the bills and feed those mouths they're insisting you produce. If you were delaying so you could have a newer model car, I'd agree that you were perhaps a tad selfish, but it sounds like you just want to establish a baseline so that at least one of you can produce enough of an income to cover basic neccessities, and that's not selfish, it's responsible. Know, too, that the advice not to delay children for school is fine--if you're able to make enough money by doing that to actually feed your family. We are encouraged in our church to be debt free and prosperous, industrious people. To imply or state that by setting up these basic building blocks to ensure your family's success is somehow not following the prophet violates the very spirit our gospel was founded on. By the way...I've been in the Marine Corps for 11 years. My husband stays at home with the kids. We both hold temple recommends and church callings. Never once has any of our bishops or stake presidents implied or stated that me working goes against church teachings. Is it what i pictured? No. But it's what works for our family and allows us to pay the bills and be the ones to raise our kids instead of having the state take them away because we can't afford to feed them. Look at the big picture and don't be bullied by stereotypes.