kartvines

My ward got split, and I would have really preferred to stay in the Beaumont Ward, but was told instead I had to start attending services at the Oak Valley ward in Calimesa. I have never walked so that was not a concern instead it sort of bothers me that we are not free to choose which ward to be a member of. I would have been much happier to stay in the Beaumont/Banning Ward, but we are excluded form that choice, not only is that ward much closer I felt more at home in it, sorry if I high jacked your thread

Last Tuesday I met with my Bishop, and told him I am nearing becoming inactive again, he was very disappointed and encouraging, but it seems as if everything he said fell on deaf ears. So I know I must be the problem, and I am so void of almost everything as much as I want to stay active and move forward, I see no end game. With the death of my wife one year ago yesterday, I have a metal block and I no longer want to have to give up anything else no matter how trivia, and it has been my stumbling block. My bishop , like many of you told me that the Devil is working on me, and maybe that is the case, but if he can reach me so easily and if God know that then why do I still feel so empty and totally void of spirit? My Bishop asked me to fast and pray on it, and I am of course willing to try anything right now but if that too fails then it will merely put just another nail in the coffin. So I am at a stale mate, I have a testimony but it is becoming weaker by the day, my bishop told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and serve others and, that a testimony becomes stronger when you share it, but currently, the less interaction with people the better. I have always shut people out of my life, and because of that I have no friends, and at my age I don't have the trust or energy to make any, so I understand that most of this is self inflicted, but I have been this way for most of my adult life and I cant see that I will change any of it, no matter what, and after a year of being active and servicing my ward, I feel as empty as the day I became active again, and it hasn't soften my heart of provided me and solace, so I tell myself why bother.......

Thank you for the advice and feedback....ElectofGod your post was thought provoking, thank you, Gwen I love that song, and the rest I truly appreciate all of you posts and I hope I can work my way through this struggle. sometimes I just feel it is just too hard to breath let alone make the effort needed to stay on course, having been away from the church as I was I find it much easier to walk down the broad path than to navigate the narrow one..

Thank you for your feedback. However I am either blind or confused, where in my original post did I say or elude to my not caring about other in my life who share my lost, that is in no way the case, and I am doing what I can to help them in this regard, my chief concern was the lack of feeling anything what so ever in regard to church and the feeling that the holy sprint has abandoned my temple and seeking better accommodations. However I do understand that I am still grieving, and even feeling sorry for myself, but more so for our children and grandchildren. I have witness to many people in my ward looks as if they are just going through the motions, and I have a very hard time doing that, I over think everything, and I detests the idea of being hypercritical, I cannot lie to my Bishop or State Presidency, so my advancement most likely will never occur because of that, yet I want nothing more. I think and or feel that I should have some burning in my bosom that will allow me to push forward and continue with my church activity, but that lack of any feeling spiritual or otherwise make it hard, I should feel joy and at peace when I enter the ward but there is nothing there. That is what I need to overcome and or understand. Does that make any sense?

I feel as if nothing matters in this life anymore, in a couple of days I will reach the date of the day my wife died one year ago. To help to fill that large gap in my life I returned to church after over 30 years of being away, gave up coffee, drink and cigarettes, and everything else that brought me any sort of pleasure and or relief, hoping I would be flushed with the spirit and engulf in the love and body of the church, and yet I feel empty completely void of the spirit, and I am discussed in myself about most everything. I have attended all meeting performed my calling and read all of the scriptures and participated in all of the meetings, and I am a full tithe payer yet I still feel nothing. Yesterday before Sacrament meeting I met the Bishop in the hall way and told him I needed to talk to him, he told me his schedule is busy and his clerk will set something up, but all during the meeting I felt lost and angry and then left as soon as Sacrament meeting was over. I have had many meeting with the bishop and have been honest with him about how I feel, been blessed and still nothing. I have begun to sit in the back pew only to discover that I am now witness too many members being in the meeting but not really being a part of it, I see many whom I thought were ward leaders , doing nothing more than playing games on their tablet and other playing on their phones, I see children being allow to run wild, I try to sit in the back row so I don’t have to sit in front of them because their parents make little to any effort to control their behavior, and all of the above mentioned things disturbs me, making me feel that much more divided and alone in my ward. Even in my calling, I am the building representative I am disturbed by how nobody feel the desire to clean the meeting hall, most Saturdays it is just me and the Bishop’s first counselor, so it leave us two old men doing all of the work, which really dosen't bother me doing the work, I feel as if I am giving back, but instead it bothers me that nobody make any effort to pitch in. I pray every day telling our savior that I am lost and the void of the spirits and this void is driving a wedge between the church and me, asking for guidance and for help to keep me moving forward in my ward and calling. But I feel as if my prayers go unanswered either because I don’t have the correct amount of faith, or instead and even worse I an unworthy to receive the blessing [help / direction] I am seeking. I am 63 years old, I don’t except change very well and I am the sort of man, that is all in and or all out, and I am now feeling I am heading back to being non active. As an old dog I feel as if I am being told of all the hurdles. I must jump over to be worthy to be a full participate of the church and temple, and my old knees are getting tired from all of the jumping, also after rereading all of the scriptures I am scared of the idea that the more I now know and if I fell to choose to the right course I will receive a harder punishment for not following the scriptures than if I did nothing at all, and that too alarms me. Losing my wife was enough change in my current life, I don’t need further charge and or distractions, I need to find some joy in my life to continue wanting to live and I have found “none” in returning to the church, instead I find that because I am not doing this and or that I am merely unworthy, and that depresses me even more, I now pinned between a rock and a hard spot and the downward course of my thoughts are leading me only in a single direction and that is away from the church, I just cannot deal with any further disapproval, please don’t misunderstand me, I have not lost my faith in regard to the core values of the church, I could never belong to any other church, but am I strong enough to stay committed to something I needed to fill a large void in my life and that seem to be getting larger each and every day. I a lost lamb and I feel as if no one is looking for me to bring me home, and I am now hearing the howls of the wolves in the near distance, I feel as if I am now entering the fight and or flee mode, and fleeing away for the church is now looking like the best and easiest direction, I need advice and help to find a way home to our heavenly father and it seem as if I am too blind to be able to follow the map that has been laid before me, or just to stupid and or lazy to continue on this journey toward salvations and the ability to rejoin my wife when my time is up, because I feel as if I have not met the challenges that God given me and was successful so the total collapsed of my self-worth is now in danger.

What I do is put the rising bread into my gas oven and close the door th pilot light offer enough heat to allow for a good rise.

I tried to join LDSGLO but I still have not gotten an email approving my registration

Having been born in Sugarhouse I think it would have been a horrible thing to do, it was bad enough that when I was born there the town was only know for was it's prison, but I now understand it is a upscale community, compaired to how it was in the late 40's

Ward building representative

Well I met with the Bishop again yesterday after service and I guess I am being pasted over, he said that the Stake President, said I wasn't ready, and they will revisit it in a few months. That really doesn't bother me, but being analyical what does is if the bishop was given the revelation that I was ready and I first rejected it, and then as I continue to study and pray about it and met all of the requirements I was prompted that I was indeed ready, so being analytical it make me think that either the bishop was following a fomula for when the should approach the subject with me and that my prompts we also false and that concerns me.

I too missed one "What percentage of Mormons live outside the United States?"

Well I again spoke to the Bishop yesterday and I was told to expect a call from the Stake President office for my interview so I guess I may be moving forward, a bit concerned about that interview, but I guess if that is what the lord wants of me it will happen, if not it won't happen, so I have little control over that I guess. I am trying to put everything in his hands, and that has not been that easy. Time will tell. Thanks for everyone feedback. With 40 year of absent from the church it hasn't been the easiest road to travel, but I still have one hand on the rail, and continue to move forward no mater what happens.

Finrock To say I am not depressed would be a lie, I just lost my wife of 34 years, but that being said I have seen a counselor and have spoken to both of my Bishops. The out going as well as the new one You may want to visit Family Services to see about seeing a therapist. Talk to your bishop and tell him you want to visit with Family Services. You could be suffering from depression and when you feel like you don't know where to begin to start to heal, having someone of a sound mind, who shares your beliefs, and who is impartial to guide you, can be profoundly helpful. Most importantly, begin to trust that the atonement can heal you. You may not be able to defeat your feelings of worthlessness. Maybe it is time to do something different? Ask God to take that from you. He can heal you. Jesus can heal you. Trust in Heavenly Father and ask Him, in faith, to take away your burdens through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Regards, Finrock

Well I had a meeting with the Bishop yesterday before Church began and I guess I will be going call to be interviewed by the Stake President about moving forward. He said most likely it will before the next stake conference, if I understood him correctly. Now what should I expect and how would I prepare for this interview. The truth will always be the truth so I am unsure what to expect, being I neither want to be embarrassed or embarrass my Bishop, who put me on this path

I was hit by the FBI one and had to roll back my system by a few days to get rid of it, being it was locked for hours. If it happens to anyone and they pay understand it take them hours to collect, so if you fall victim to it and you pay out of fear, go to your paypal account and add the number of the cash card and it will put the money into your paypal account and they will not be able to collect the ransom.

Thank you for all of the feedback, I have continued talking briefly to the Bishop every Sunday and re-reading the BOM still no feeling of the spirit, and in yesterday Priesthood meeting I was asked if I will except a calling, said I would of course if the Bishop will approves so I guess we will see where this will lead me, having been completely honest with the new Bishop I don't see how he can approve this calling, and if he doe then I will except it and hope it will enrich my testimony, and hope to get right with everything in time.

Thank you for the feedback, and I understand it is not about advancing in the priesthood, and that I why I rejected it, but my path to god, which has been difficult, not sure if I am just an empty vessel, but I just cant seem to gain the spirit or I must be suppressing it, I spoke to the Bishop again yesterday and he asked me if I have been able to feel the spirit since his blessing and I had to tell him no, and that bothers me, just wonder how many church members just go with it all rather they feel there are deserving or not. I continue attend all of my meeting, praying , asking God for help and guidance, reading the scriptures, and still nothing, and it makes me think it all me, and that doesn't sit with me very well. How do you turn that page? Too me the easiest thing for me would to return to inactively, but I choose not to do that, but unless I can bridge that gap, it make me feel worthless. I understanding that I have yet been able to forgive, that has been my biggest struggle, because I just can seem to find the method to begin the process, it seem too simplistic. I can forgive other I guess but when it come to me, I just cant find how it is done, I know what I have done I understanding all of those I have hurt, and I know I have a lot to be sorry for, but where does that start? I have never been able to just go with the flow, I guess I am just too analytical and I over think everything, and have never been able to lie to myself and I refuse to lie to the Church. I want to feel as if I am traveling down the right path, overcoming my past because I hope that God loves me, but still finding it hard to feel that he loves me when I cant even seen to do that. I want to feel the spirits to wash over me, but it hasn't and may never, then what? So am I just destined to go though the motions, there can't be any redemption in that, and I feel so pathetic.

Thank you all for your feed back I will take it all into consideration and work though it.

Thank you for your feedback, but now at 63, it seem to be the most difficult part of my life, I have held onto so many things that to me is unforgivable in my world of black and white I cant seem to allow myself to get beyond it. So far prayers has not reveal any avenues to begin at, so I feel lost, and hopeless, I hope it comes in time...and my meeting now with 2 different Bishops as not enlighten me, so I hope the last blessing open a crack allowing me to prevail and begin that journey of self forgiveness becuse at 63 I am running out of time

Yesterday during Sacrament meeting I was told that the Bishop wanted to meet with me after Priesthood meeting. When I arrived he told me he wanted to advance me in the Priesthood, and I refused telling him it was my opinion I was not worthy, he seemed a bit confused, and asked me why and I laid it out as simple as I could. He went on to give me a blessing and told me to meet with him any time I felt the need. He told me that I needed to forgive myself, something I have never been able to do, so I am struggling to allowing myself, I told him sure I have had almost perfect attendance and I do interact in the services but I don't feel the spirit, and to be honest about I have not enjoyed attending because the root cause of my retuning was to try and better myself so I had a chance to be reunited with my deceased wife, after death and to me I felt I was only going through the motions. Now don't get me wrong I wanted to advance but I view everything in black and white, and if I don't feel myself worthy then ultimately I guess I am a lost cause. He told me to pray and read the scriptures and I would be filled with the spirit, but so far either I am void of this feeling or I am doing something wrong and I don't know how to right it.

Thank you I will review you text, being I bought and paid for my one years food storage, which should arrive before the end of the year, now just to find place to store it all in my small home, that will be the tricky part.

This is very helpful, I guess I will move forward with my order.

Thank you for your feed back

I guess I have another question, being I am now widowed, and all of the cans are the #10, it concerns me, once the can has been opened the self life diminished quickly, so it seem to loose it overall value, doe anyone have any feedback on this matter?

Question, is the food we can buy at the ward any cheaper and or better than we can get elsewhere, I have been looking an found that at Sam's club on-line [Anderson's Farm] I can get a year supply for one for just over $2,000. So if there a benefit from buying directly form the Church?