Sunshine40

Vort, your comments make sense. I did have to chuckle at the comment, "You are allowed to talk to your bishop when you like.", which is a true statement, but not without getting yelled at until 2am and threatened with divorce. I am sure that is not a typical response to a wife talking to her bishop, but it is mine. But I also abhor sneaking around and hate lying. So I have to weigh my options. (Do I want to get yelled at, or do I want to repent...God forgives faster) And I agree that I need to not tell my bishop what to do or say to my husband, but I do find that our subculture knows little about validation/invalidation, and it is disappointing. I myself did not realize the things I was saying that are invalidating and can trigger emotional dysregulation in my husband. I do not want to tip toe or make evryone have to do the dance that I live with everyday. I just. need. help. Your comments are appreciated, and I am sorry if I insulted Annedex. I read his comment incorrectly, and was insulted myself. That's why I deleted that response. -s

Earljibbs, Thank you. I understand what you are saying. He will never get better if he does not face it, or want to, or beleives (as I do) that a personality dosorder is not necessarily his fault. So, you are saying that not involving my husband would do more harm than good. I can see that. -Sunshine

Finrock, Close enough. (almost spot on). -sunshine

Okay, here is the kids perspective (or sort of) When my mom accidentally locked herself out of the house (or got locked out by my older brother, I am not sure what happenned ..I was VERY young...2 I think) and she freaked out, (I remember the stove being on) she eventually took an axe to the door and chopped her way through. The axe was scaryer for me, but I was not traumatized, but I do remember it. The important thing to remember is that you did all you could as a Mom to get back in to make sure your baby was safe. That is not being a horrible mom. That is being a FANTASTIC mom. Accidents happen. You do not need to beat yourself up for it. -Sunshine

Hello all! I had a rather interesting discussion with my stake president last week. It was he, my husband and I who met with him about another matter that had nothing to do with our relationship (per say, since everything touches it). During that meeting (as a side note, or after thougt, or answer to th SP's question of do you have an concerns) my husband opened up about his general concerns that he fears "everyone" thinks he is "the kook" of the ward. Of course I have known about this for years. The SP talked about only needing to worry about his relationship with the Savior and to see himself as the Lord sees him..things I have been saying for years, with temporary breakthroughs..but eventually DH falling back into his insecurities again. Anyways, the SP suggested that he (and we as a couple) take it to the Lord to figure out why he feels this way and what things he needs to change to fix it. (basically)... well, after the meeting my DH i upset and goes into his usual tyrade of how poorly other people treat him, or how they look down on him , or hate him, and it is this guy's fault,or this guy's fault..and maybe even my fault. He never looks internally for this. He is always worried about people and what they think about him. ( i know that is kind of a normal thing, but at his level, it affects him deeply, in every aspect of life and had been very strssful on all his relationships with others, and consequently, mine as well) SO, I have also prayed about it, and I was redirected to an experience we recently had at the temple. About a year ago, My DH see the SP about another unrelated matter and they end up discussing our marital relationship, with no details. But the SP tells my DH to take me to the temple with what we need to do to strengthen our relationship in mind and specifically do sealings..so we did. And I got a definitive answer. So did my DH. His was two fold: "take a yes for a yes" and "Stop being so selfish"..mine was "love your husband like you did before you were married." to which I immediately thought "He was NICE to me before we were married." and (i have these dicussions all the time like this with God) I got "that's not what I mean, and you know it." which flashed the whole pictures and feelings in my mind and heart of how before we were married my DH and I discussed the possibilty that he could soon be in a wheelchair and for the rest of his life because doctors had told him (at age 15) that he possiby had some bone disease that made them deteriorate. And I loved him so much that I wanted to see him through it and stick by his side and love him no matter what. Well, it has been over 20 years with no physical disability, but the the sprit distinctly said after that flash "why should a physical disability be any differnt than a mental one." SO after serendipously discovereing what my DH most fits, I have found profound strength for myself. ( well, at times..) I have been dealing with a husband with Borderline Personality Disorder. It explains his rages, his lack of emotional stability, his vast insecuritis and abandonment fears..essentially his beleif that everyone thinks he is a "kook". It explains all the bullying an.d emotional abuse I have had to endure. It also explains that there is hope for him and me. So after this discovery I joined and online support group for people who have loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder and have taken a lot of lessons (and continue to do so). And I have learned SO MUCH. I stay on the "Committed to staying and improving a relationship" boards, so I do not get encouragement just to dump him and give up. The thing I like the most is the emphasis that I cannot change him or make him behave any certain way, but I can understand him and love him and learn what I can do to make our relationship better. It taught me validation and invalidation. And through this I can clearly see that my husband FEELS he is thought of as a kook because the leadership he talks to do not take the time to validate --because they do not know how, or do not have the time--and have also done/said some things that are terribly invalidating, which my DH is EXTREMELY sensitive to. So I am always dealing with the aftermath of a dysregulated husband flying off the handle about church..and frankly, it is exhausting. Anyways, as I have prayed about what the SP has asked us to pray about, I have been redirected again to the BPD. I know it is the BPD talking. I fear that if I mention any of this to my bishop or my SP, that it will, at the very least, play into my husband's insecurities of "everyone thinks I am a Kook"..and frankly, I cannot even discuss it with my husband. About three years ago he self diagnosed himself with general anxiety disorder, which frankly, ya, he's right about that. But he went through this whole series of fears that I was going to leave him, and that he is "less of a man" etc.. it was terrible. At any route I cannot simply tell my husband that he has BPD. I cannot make him go to any sort of therapy or counseling (which would do no good without the basis of "we're dealing with BPD here")..and the last time I discussed with my bishop (different bishop) my marital problems, it vastly strained the relationship between him and my husband. My Husband would take no counsel from him and was coninced my bishop was trying to get me to leave him and marry another man in our ward (which I KNOW was never the case). My former bishop was so frustrted with this situation that he eventually told me to tell my husband to buy me a burkah for Christmas. Since that was I got from my bishop, I knew he could no longer offer me any help. I came here whenever I felt the need for someone to talk me out of getting a divorce. Through this website I found the BPD websites, when someone was decribing their relationship with their husband and it sounded exactly like mine and someone suggested BPD. So since I know Bishops and SP's are not trained in mental illness, I am worried that by telling them, I could ruin yet another relationship between my husband and his priesthood leaders, and of course it would actually feed into the "everyone thinks I'm a kook" thing. On the other hand, if I have a SP or bishop that was willing to listen to me (and my Dh cannot be in the room for this, so opportunities have to be either in secret or at my next temple reccomend interview in October), I feel that I have a wealth of knowledge or insight to impart,about BPD , about validatio techniques...about specific words they use that can be extremely invalidating and make things in my home worse, when I know that is not what is intended. ( for example, telling a person with BPD to "get over it" triggers rages). I did not get the feeling that my SP used any invalidting comments. But my bishop has been so overwhelmed lately that I feel like i cannot talk to him about this, or anything else for that matter. He's a good guy, and I love him, but he has had a very difficult year, and I have had the sense that he does not have the time to listen to me, and he may just dismiss it, or i may ruint his relationship with my DH. Well that was long, but the basics of my problem. Does anyone have any suggestions of when and what to say?(if anything at all) Has anyone here been a bishop or SP and have any suggestions? Thank you, Sunshine40

Apparantly I need a little more clarification. Yes, my son is loud and laughs a lot. I completely understand the teacher's request to settle down. I understand how my son's comment after this request was disrespectful. (in a feminine voice "no, you settle down"..in a joke tone..I have out of the mouth of two or three (ot twelve) winesses here.) I understand the teacher asking him to step outside to speak with him privately...Background on what i know about my son that the teacher does not give a chance to learn...I have used the technique of "you can come out of time out when you are ready to ...fill in the blank for whatever was appropriate" since he was very young, and he follows correction easily...he is my obedient one (this teacher would have killed my oldest)..and he WILL and does "sit down and shut up" when reproved in this manner. Do not mistake me. There was no gentle guiding or putting a hand up or arm out to imply '"stop there" that my son could run into. ..What the teacher physically did was use his WHOLE body to pin my son to the wall. ...Not hands and arms..BODY. My son said, "you're pushing me now?" and then the teacher's force was more aggressive...until the scuffle brought a marine recuit out of the classroom to pull the teacher off. The teacher went back into the class and my son and the other senior walked around the parking lot for several minutes. After he returned the teacher apoligized. His apology was to the whole class. I never said he was a child molester. He is not. I never said he beat his wife. He does not.(at least I am pretty sure he does not) I do know , however that he has been extremely emotionally abusive to his wife from the mouth of his wife. And I would never have him arrested or sued over a minor thing. That was just momma bear coming out and venting...And I had to cool off my husband, (law enforcement guy) who went and sat in the class the next day. I prettty much said that I am upset over this and do not know what to do. Part of me feels "least said, soonest mended...but if it ever happens again, no more mister nice guy." But my "one side" has the eyes and ears of my son, my daughter and at least 12 other youth in our ward. I will NEVER question all the witness' stories and think they are all out to get the teacher or something. If it happened to your son, what would you do?

Memeber of our ward...our wards are geographically HUGE where I live

So, last week my son was shoved up against the wall by his seminary teacher. I will give further info. In our ward we have two seminary teachers. They trade off each week. One loves my son and gets along with him great, knows how to handle comments that he may not necessarily agree with, and recognizes the thinking behind my son's comments. The other teacher does not. It would be one thing if he did not "love" my son, but he very much dislikes my son and his commentary in class. FOR INSTANCE. A few weeks ago they got into a discussion in class about the star which appeared in the sky at the time of Jesus' birth. My son was commenting on the scientific probablilities that made that possible. ( not IM possible, mind you, but POSSIBLE) and the teacher just argued and argued and argued with him. My son was saying that the star had to be visible by day on the eastern side of the planet. My son cited the song "the first Noel" and the line " and to the earth it gave great light and so it continued by day and night"..and the teacher said it didn't happen..and that the greeks had no record of it (although upon further research we found that the chinese DO have a record of it) and so the teacher argued with my son, and just basically said he was wrong. And was rude about it. NEVERTHELESS, my son can handle that. He does not like it, but he handles it fine. But last week that same teacher called him out of class (before seminary started..this is at 6 am by the way) to tell him (and him alone) to settle down, and that he could come back into class when he was ready to "calm down"...well my son felt he was TOTALLY ready to calm down and proceeded to go back into the room when the teacher said "no you don't" and shoved him back through the door and up against the wall. The teacher realized that he "over reacted" and apologized to the class for "overreacting"..but later that same week, after my son left early to get to school for an NHS leadership meeting, my daughter reported how that teacher bad mouthed my son to the rest of the class. ( So, SHE yelled at the teacher (a "how dare you" sort of thing),...and she's the quiet one). I would have gone to the bishop but he has been out of town dealing with his wife's cancer. When i do not think about it, I am fine, and this week they have the other teacher. when I think about ti. I am livid and want to rip that teacher's head off, and have him arrested, BUT I like his wife (who has also probably been shoved up against the wall a time or two). that's enough of my ranting... Any advice???

My Son will not have any money for his mission, so I do not how much of a difference it will make. Recently in my ward, there are young men that took forever getting their paperwork submitted because they did not have enough money saved up. We WERE going to be able to pay for his mission because at 19 ONE of my husband's student loans will be paid off.... And my son was planning on working for nine months to save up for it. Now I have no idea how this is going to work...any idea? If he leaves at the earliest he can physically go, it would be right after graduation this spring. -sunshine

A friend of mine recently used that phrase, and I have seen it elsewhere, but I do not get what it is really supposed to mean...and where does the reference come from? Thanks, -Sunshine

I started school again at 40. I waited until all my kids were in school and found that being at home alone drove me crazy (well,that's not a long drive). This will be my second year, and looking back, it was worth the wait. I had all the wonderful experiences of being a stay at home mom (and all the ones that made going crazy not a long trip), and now I get to be somewhere where I am not "mom"..I am me. -Sunshine

Thanks for all the suggestions. I started taking supplements, and my moddiness semi-leveled off. But now I am not sure if all my physical and emotional "problems" were because of menopause. (?!) I was just diagnosed with type 2 dibetes. I actually went to an urgent care on a Saturday for a bladder infection, and had a blood sugar level of 450 (from a glucose meter). I have been on meds since (and stopped eating junk) and my levels this morning before breakfast were down to 170...almost decent, right?) Tomorrow I see my doctor. I guess I should ask about both menopaouse and the diabetes...I am only 40, but I had a partial hysterectomy eight and a half years ago... We'll see. -Sunshine

Hello Skoshmom, Your situation does sounds very frustrating. Your huband does need to take it up with the high priest group leader or elder's quorum pres. The bishop does not oversee whom home teaches whom. Nevertheless, in the mean time, ignore the husband/father of the family and focus on everyone else in it. It was right of your husband to ignore that man's demands. The church does not owe him anything. AND if he is not paying tithing, the bishop can say no to the food orders. (out where i live people were joining the church JUST for the food orders, so tithing was made a criteria for receiving them.) However, if he has a wife and children, think of them and make her the head of household in your heart. Ask her what she needs etc. And I have never heard of someone helping out their home teachees financially. That is not your resonsibility. I would ask the HPGL or the EQP to take over this person and family. I think once the stress of this guy is removed, you can handle others very well. My husband has General Anxiety disorder. He, in some ways, is much like the bipolar guy. I can put myself in his wife's shoes.. He behaved poorly. But his wife and children appreciate your efforts. Please do not let your anger towards his bad behavior affect his wife and children, because they need good home teachers. You did a good thing. The Lord knows you did it. (by the way, imagine his wife , with all her efforts, living with a husband who is so ungrateful. He probably is the same to her, and she is under A LOT of added stress because of his attitude/bipolar-ness.) You can forgive him. He did make an effort to show gratitude. So focus on other members of the family and your Father in Heaven's gratitude that you are willing to serve his children. Hope this helps. By the way, kudos to you, my home teachers NEVER come. -sunshine

Our stake president put it this way..you are renewing your covenants that you made during baptism..can you commit yourself to not watching rated R movies for the next SEVEN DAYS? If so, take the sacrament... cleanse yourself with it and renew that covenant. If you have every intention of watching one within the next seven days, then don't take it... although I do beleive that the movie itself is not really the issue. I don't think any disciplinary action ever happens over rated R movies, it is a personal choice. But my point is that the Sacrament is for repentance and recommittment. Look at it that way, and use it as such.

Dear Elegreen, My husband is also very insecure. He also did not so well in school. The hardest thing about being married is realizing that you and your spouse are not the same person. It would be an adjustment for anyone. No one automatically lives happily ever after. Marraige is WORK. You are VERY blessed to have a man that will "treat you like a queen" while so insecure. Others (ahhem..mine) would put me down to make ME feel so much more insecure than him to make himself feel better. It took almost 20 years for him to stop. I suggest only a few things. Maybe school is NOT his thing. Maybe he needs to find a job, or training in a field that he CAN do that will not require a degree in anything. And you should let him find a passion and go with it. That will also help with the pronography. I know it is a terrbile cirle of insecurity/porn but he can break out of it. There are tons of great paying jobs that do not require a degree. I have a brother that worked at a grocery store and ended up making 20,000 MORE a year than we ever have, without student loan payemnts of 500 a month...and another one that works for the post office..same scenario and couple sisters who cannot get a job with a degree at all. Also specialized training in a feild such as radiology can get a great job with no degree..and yes you may have to work to help supprt the family, but if he does all the work around the house that you say he does, you should be extremely grateful..there are some husbands who sit and watch TV all the time they are hime..or play video games..or some other non helpful waste of time ...but I digress. Appreciate him for who he is and what he does. NOT who you want him to be. One thing I had to learn was to take resposibility for my own spiritual health and not blame anything on my husband. If you are leading him by example and that is the only thing you can do, then go ahead and lead. Don't nag, don't pressure. And when he gets an inkling of wanting to lead, you can let him. Ask him to give you a preisthood blessing...for practice of feeling the spirit. (this worked great with my spouse) Do it often. My other advice it to realize that the pressure of school on you and work are high. YOU are going through a lot and doing a lot right now. Do not give up on your marraige over this stress. You know it can be saved. He is a good man, and you got the spiritual confirmation to go ahead and marry him. This is where you get to learn charity. Practice patience and trust in the Lord. There is great hope for your marraige. YOUR education has tought you this. Concentrate on what you can do to show your husband that you appreciate him. This will help him feel less insecure (positive reinforcement). It works. Even for the extremely insecure man. You are doing the right thing by staying and trying. Just keep going. -Sunhine

Well, my husband tried hard to just trust..and that did not work..he could not do it either...but I was not trust WORTHY, was I? She does have to earn your trust...but look at this way...as my husband did.. Have I been in contact with the other person? No.I have not .. trust points earned..Have I done anything TO hurt my husband...in the past day? week? month? year? ...no, I have not. I have respected him. Turst points..look at what she is NOT doing and let trust BE earned. But that all said ..you should not smother the woman..it will only push her away. If your attitude and pride are getting in the way (and you realize that) get angry at your own attitude and your own pride...and let humilty soften your heart. Give your wife the benefit of the doubt that she loves you. If nothing else, she loves God enough to give it another shot with the afther of her children. That is enough reason to stay and work things out. My husband and I argue ALL the time. There are still days I just want to shoot myself or drive off a cliff because I do not see things getting any better...or he gets lazy and stops trying.. I suggest counseling with your wife. The two of you need to learn to talk things out without always arguing. There are steps to learning to trust and to communicate. I do beleive that with counseling, the two of you can work through this AND develop a better relationship. It sounds like your marraige started off with trust issues to begin with...and she obviously forgave you..because she did marry you. And if she ever brought up THAT past mistake, how did it make you feel? Don't do it to her. Part of this is moving forward. One other thing..be the man all wives deserve. Go back to church..even if you hate it (my husband does)..develop your personal relationship with Heavenly Father and your Savior. It is through the atonement that you will both be able to heal.

Dear About2giveup, DO NOT GIVE UP.. My husband was a bad husband..He pushed me away..he criticized everything I did..There is a whole lot more to it, but in essence, he was a bad husband...and like you, he knew it..and I fell in love with someone else.. My husband forgave me, and worked his butt off to do everything he could to show me that he appreciated me....eventhough he was hurting terribly. It WILL hit your wife at some point how much she hurt you and she will be devastated by her own actions. His forgiveness showed me how much he truly loved me, and I knew that despite his faults he would love more than any other man possibly could. My opinion is that you should NOT separate. If you are separated, DATE that woman like you did before you were married. Do everything you can to rebuild that relationship from the ground up. She needs to know that YOU are willing to change your past behavior... She needs to feel safe with you. You need to completely repent as well. (of course she does too, but that is also going to be a difficult process for her and she is going to need your patience)..You have to focus on what she needs and you have to deliver it. Even if that means sucking up the hurt and acting as if you are in love with her even if you do not feel it at the moment. That is what my husband did. It has been two years, and I am eternally grateful that he did not give up.

delteted

Hello all, I was wondering if anyone out there had some advice on menopause, and what I can do to help myself not be SOO moody and impatient and deal with hot flashes...but the moodiness is what i am more concerned about. Thanks, Sunshine40

My son likes to go up to the counter and order a "diet water".

Hello all. I will breifly introduce myself. I am a SAHM this summer, but recently went back to school to finish a degree that I started 20+ years ago. I have been married for 21 years and have four beautiful children. I came to this lds group thing, well franlky because I get desperately lonely, and need people to talk to. I can post something later about this, but it is probably not appropriate for the introduction section. Toodles!

I hope to be helpful here. You said you told your wife that you love her. You said that you just do not feel that you love her enough. I have been in your shoes. I have literally not been in love with my spouse. (or at least thought so).I would sit at church wondering whether or not I should leave him. I thought all about what it would do do my children, and the financial devestation that we would undergo. And I also KNEW there was NO WAY I would want to be with him forever.. the thought was PURE torture. To me, suicide was my only option. The best advice I can give you is what I did, and what has helped me through a healing process. You need to love God more. I knew I did not love my husband...or in reflection..I knew I did not love the way he treated me until my love was dead. But I did know I loved God. I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to stay married. I knew despite my husband's shortcomings, he was a good man. So over the past two years I learned how to love my husband. That does not mean I like certain behaviors, but I know now that I do love him. At first it was like loving a pet. It grew gradually as I allowed myself to see the things in him that I was grateful for. And he is a difficult man to love sometimes. So it takes TIME, and it will take YOUR effort to look for, and acknowledge all the good in your wife. The key though, is loving God more. If you love God more than you love your wife, that is a good enough reason to decide to learn to love her better. Because that is what Heavenly Father wants you to do. You also need to love God more than you love yourself. You openly admit that you are a selfish person. Loving God more than yourself is the first step to overcome this shortcoming. I first read your posts in the forums because I still need to be reminded that my marraige is worth it. Just last Sunday my husband and I had an argument at church. He went and talked to a friend. (whom I am so grateful for, becuase he always says what I say to my spouse, but my husband will take it from him) And I had no one to go to to just tell me NOT to get divorced. So today I found this forum, and read your posts. There are many people here who would be your friend..and are telling you not to get divorced. They are trying to give you tips on how to be happy with your spouse and they are valid. But I think you need to take the first step and love God more.