natsumi

Pam: Ok, so sex brought up in a manner that was not "tactful" let's put it that way. In no way in my OP did I make that experience the center of this thread. Squidmom: It is okay, this is why I clarified for you. I am not offended, just flustered that a post where I have been asking for advice seems to have flared up to this. Perhaps my quest for suppose has been misguided.

Well, it is kind of hard to change the past. However, in context - it did make sense that I was talking about treatment. Since, it does say in that same sentence I say I am not sure how since our issues are different and need different treatment. Moreso, I had asked for advice on how to approach getting him help that wouldn't seem like nagging - not for sexual ideas and perverse suggestions. No one took my sentence like this in fact. Everyone that responded in the way that was on the sexual nature side stated clearly, "I don't know where you originally said" or "I can't find the original post" they were merely taking the quote from another poster who had only quoted "I am his wife and it is my duty to service him" and said, "I really hope you don't feel this way". (Which happened on page 4, so people who had not been around, could have easily jumped on the bandwagon that service = bedroom service) I am still on the firm ground that if you would have read the entire post or some of the posts even around it you would clearly know that I was not in any way talking about my bedroom life. This topic of "sex" did not even come up until page 5 I believe when someone posted about how I need to up the excitement so my husband doesn't turn away from me and that masturbation and viewing pornography wasn't a sin, because the law of chasity wasn't exactly clear enough on those statements for said commenter. I, of course, don't believe that I should have to construe my sexual life all over this thread to get my point across. In fact, I don't know why any dignified person would come to expose their married sexual life. I think that I agree with Vort who said it's sacred in a marriage. I have ranted off a few pieces because the backlash from this post that seemingly says that I'm some kind of rapist's-wife is ridiculous. Or that I just lie there sobbing while my husband disrespects me and humps away at my corpse. I have not intended this thread to paint my husband in a bad light. I was here simply to get advice. (Most of which, in the beginning, was very useful). Although my husband is ill and needs serious help, he is a good husband. I will repeat once more just for emphasis, I did not come here to tarnish my husband or to "bash" on my husband for being an addict. I came for support and advice.

For further clarification, here is the ORIGINAL of when I said "I am his wife, my duty is to service him" Where in the WORLD someone got sex out of this - when clearly it seems that here I am talking about getting him treatment and help....I am unsure. But, now that we can be clear, no one said that I'm on my knees everytime he wants me to be. And for even further reference, this quote can be found on Page 2 of this thread, the very first post (in case you want to read the entire thing).

To Squidmom: (Sorry to everyone else, it seems we are all replying to her and I didn't have time to read everyone's remarks. I am merely just responding to clarify - which seems to clear up some of the misunderstandings) My husband serves me in the most medial tasks. He will stop doing whatever he is doing to get my glasses that are just outside my reach, or bring me a drink, or a kleenex, or whatever I desire - even if it were just as easy for me to get up and do so. He does these things because he loves to serve me. I do things for him because I love to serve him. If you misunderstood when I said that I feel it is my duty to serve him as a wife that I meant sexually - then you are mistaken. I do feel a sense of duty to please him in many ways - by making sure my house is clean, his laundry is folded, a hot dinner is ready when he gets home from work, and he is able to relax upon getting home. To clairfy a bit more: I live in the United States, AND I'm 24 years old. Farily young to have such "Old Fashioned" values and looks on life. Yes, I do seem to fit more of a "50's" wife or something like that. But, I don't really care! I like it this way! I enjoy having these tasks which make me feel accomplished as a housewife and a wife! Does this mean I "put out" as you put it to my husband whenever he feels like it? Um, no. (That would seem rather silly!) He values me and loves me and most of all, respects me. It may not seem so with his problem that he has - but I do know that he does (especially in the bedroom respect). There are many times that I've said no, had to say no, or had to stop because of problems that I have. He respects that, and he loves me for it. Any man that would continue with sexual relations with a woman who was truly unwilling (Married or not) does not love her, respect her, and yes it is wrong. My husband never forces me to do anything. And to be clear: I do not have sex with my husband because of some "obligation" I do it because I love him, I care for him, and because it is a sacred act because a husband and a wife. Of what I did read on some of the other responses, I tend to agree with what has been posted. This is not a "duty to service" in a sexual nature, but obviously a wife AND a husband have the duty to service each other mentally, physically, and spiritually in their marriage to care for one another and love each other as the Lord has asked us to do. They are your eternal companions. I'd want no other in this mortal life to have such an enlisted duty than my husband. And I'd want no one else besides myself to carry the task for my husband. You and I have very different views on our marriage, but I am glad that yours has been a happy 8 years. I wish you many more.

And may I speak a bit on how the church views pornography. It is a grave sin, because it in itself is breaking the law of chasity. Breaking the law of chasity, that's the #3 sin (You know, below denying the holy ghost and murder). Any sin takes us further from our Heavenly Father. The further we are, the less we can feel the spirit and the harder it is to turn around. Think of it as a white handkerchief thrown into a mud puddle. You can wash it and it can become clean again. But if you continue to throw it in and wash it and throw it in and wash it - or throw it in and leave it and wash it later - how will this white handkerchief look? With our Heavenly Father, we can become spotless again - so make sure you are using the right soap! What was repentance mean? That we Acknowledge our sin - and feel sorrow for it. Abandon your sin - say that you will turn from it and do it no more! (That last part is important) Confess our sin (and if it's pornography, that means a meeting with your bishop). Then you must make restitution and do the will of the Lord. (Basically start living your convenants). Now your friends may not be LDS, and maybe they only view pornography on a small basis - but they see this as "acceptable" because the world sees it as "acceptable". We are led by a Prophet - a living and amazing Prophet - who has counseled us otherwise. While it may not be a full blown "addiction" to your friends, it is drawing them away from their Heavenly Father. Which may be just as bad. I've heard it said once that missing one Sunday may seem fine, but missing two in a row is that much closer to inactive. The same message may very well apply to viewing pornography or drinking or smoking or any other "addictive" behavior.

I should apologize for my first vague post but I didn't feel like the heavy details were necessary. So, yes, you aren't aware of all the facts. My husband has been viewing and pleasing himself to pornography since he was 10 years old. (I would call this an addiction rather than a simple "lapse in judgement")For all of you who want to comment on this - I knew this before we got married. I've known my husband since we were 13 years old. I'm very aware of his past. But again, I love my husband. I am dedicated to him. My duty is to stand by him and to please him (Yes, I really do believe this, because I want to be as good of a wife as my husband is too me). When we got married, I did think it would get less because he had that physical attraction there. I suppose that I was naive. However, I still feel like this is a cause for help and love and not for abandonment. Since all of the adivce on this forum...I have sought the help of our bishop (luckily, my husband took that step himself). Although it has not resolve itself (not surprisingly) we are working towards it and it is getting better. My marriage is not as happy as I had imagined in its first year but I know that we will have a stronger marriage because I have enlisted the advice from many stronger spirits on this forum. At first I didn't see the advice, but it has helped me. Thank you very much for your support in this delicate matter.

It did start back in June, but I continue to read the replies because it does help strengthen me in knowing to keep standing by my husband. I don't always reply to every single post because it'd be the same reply each time. Others are not worth the reply at all. However, perhaps we should stop worrying about the salvation of my husband and worry about the salvation of NES... "The law of chastity meaning has changed so much over the years with various degrees of interpretation" I'm sorry, what church do you belong too? What God do you believe in? My God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The law of chastity is the same. Masturbation was wrong in the Old Testament the same as it is in 2012. I'm sorry if you think it's "okay" to watch pornography and masturbate to it because it "makes you healthy" but we believe in overpowering and taking off the natural man. So, I'm sorry to say that you're advice is not helpful. And maybe you need to take a look at yourself before entering the sacred and holy temples. After all, one question you must answer before recieving a recommend is "Are you living the law of chasity" and I'm sure if you ask your bishop to clarify for you - he will tell you Masturbation is wrong. I vaguely recalling that wasting semen on the ground is wicken in the sight of the Lord. On another note, never tell me to make the bedroom experience for my husband more exciting. You know nothing about my private life with my husband. I assuure you that is not the case and never has been. I'm not asking for your tips on positions or roleplay options Sir, my husband - despite his problem - is a gentleman and a **** good husband. He respects me and we love each other. We show this very throughly in the bedroom without your distasteful views that you may think of with your references to pornography and sick fantasties. The temple is for worthy members to learn about eternal life and grow closer to their Heavenly Father. I emphasize on worthy. If we let anyone who was baptized into the temple - well, why don't you just pray about that this week and see what the spirit tells you. Or better yet, read the scriptures - start with the Book of Mormon, and see what that tells you.

I recently was called to be a Primary Teacher for the younger class, ages 4 - 7. We are a small ward, so my class size is expected to be about 4 - 5 kids every Sunday, give or take. I accepted my calling, despite my weariness. I am a recently married (just under 7 months), childless, a 2nd child, convert of just under 3 years with no primary experience and even less doctrine experience. I just recently was endowed in the temple, and my ward is an apartment ward of newly married, newly child couples who move in and out with the year (turn over rate is very high) so the need for callings is always there. As soon as someone with a temple recoomend enters the doors, you are called to give a talk in sacrament and given a calling! Luckily, I bit the bullet of a sacrament talk and skipped directly to the calling in Primary. My first Sunday, my lesson was about wanting to serve a mission. I planned my lesson very thoughtfully, and I even invited the missionaries in our Ward to come give a little talk. I was told I'd have the younger class and that I would have a co-teacher. Upon the switch between the 2nd and 3rd hours (when you go from the first hour of primary to the classes of primary) it was announced just to the class of children that "Sister L." would be teaching ALL the primary kids in a combined session in "the classroom". I may note here, that it was a baby blessing Sunday so we had some visitors. A whoping 22 kids were here this day which is larger than our normal 11 kids of full primary and I was going to teach them all on my very first Sunday. Oh, did I mention this "co-teacher" I was suppose to have, never showed up? So I venture over to this "classroom" which is so tiny. We are packed in this room, and the kids are running around and won't sit down - reminding them of revence (which generally works) isn't getting to their ears and the missionaries are even begging me to just give their little testimonies and go! I got 15 mins into the lesson (after I let the missionaries tell the little children why they should serve a mission and go) before this little girl got up and starts just crying in the middle of the floor for no reason and says she needs a band-aid. I go into the next room, to get the Primary President, who is just sitting in there with 3 other teachers just relaxing during the 3rd hour, to tell them what is happening. Needless to say, someone else finished my lesson. I was told later by several of my other LDS friends that someone should have been in that classroom with me. I was shocked that I would even be given the entire primary on my first day of teaching! I kept my chin up though! I did not just give up, even though I had a break down and cried for the rest of Church because I didn't know how to handle 22 screaming children who have never been taught reverence or manners (at home or at church). I started as soon as I got home on my second lesson. The Primary President told me from the day I was called that if I "needed anything" not to hesitate to call, text, e-mail her, or anyone in the presidency! After my horrible experience teaching my first Sunday, she was begging me to give it one more try (as if I were going to ask to be released) and told me again that she was there for me if I ever needed anything. So, after mulling over my ideas with my sister-in-law who is the primary president in her own ward, my mother-in-law, who has been in and out of the primary since she was 14 and grew up LDS, as well as my friend at work who has taught in the primary as well, I now had a lesson plan ready to be put into motion! All I needed from the primary presidency was a list of the names in my class! (Remember, there should only be 5 names max!) I called, I text, I e-mailed the president every day since Tuesday...when I had finalized my plans. "Oh great! I'll e-mail that to you no problem!" "Oh sure, I'll get it to you as soon as I get home" "Sorry, I'm at dance rehersal right now, but I'll be sure to e-mail it to you tomorrow!" "Let me contact Sister H. she's got the list" and after that, she just stopped responding or let me calls go to voicemail. I tried calling or texting anyone else (including Sister R. who use to be my VT companion) and no one would respond or pick up or get back to me. So, the list is kind of essential to my lesson plan and my husband and my friend at work both tell me just to contact the bishop. So, reluctantly I do. I am very worried about stepping on toes here. The bishop contacted her apparently because right after I text him I get 3 e-mails from 3 different sisters in the primary with the list of my names. The list the President sent out says "if you need anything, please contact me or someone else in the primary presidency first" to which I did not respond to because she knows very well that I did contact her and many of the other sisters to get my list. I got this list this morning, and now I have the rest of today to throw together the last of my lesson which I may or may not get finished beacuse of the lack of time... The advice I need is - what do you do when you are in a calling, where the Presidency of that calling isn't willing to work with you, to get you the things you need? I mean, I don't think I'll be needing much else from them - but if I do, what am I suppose to do in times like this where they aren't responding or ignoring my calls? I gave them plenty of time, I gave them 4 days! I understand work, lives, etc get in the way, but it's 5 names! All I asked for was 5 names...was giong to the bishop the right move? I feel like I am going to get released now because of these events. I am offended by her actions, but not enough to quit the church or my calling, I just need advice on how to deal with situations like this. Does this happen often?

:) I'm afraid it isn't.

Thank you Martain, this is my biggest fear. I believe my husband only "repented" because of the knowledge that I was to be endowed and he would not be entering the temple to witness that event. Now that it is over, he feels that he can fall back into those habits until we are to be sealed in the temple at the end of the year. I know that his father, while may not be wrapped up in sin as he is, does not regular activate himself in the service of the church. In fact, his father openly told his family that now that his family is raised and married he will now go inactive since his "duties" as a parent are complete. He did not attend my endowment due to not being a temple worthy individual. I do not know the circumstances of his father, but I do know that my Husband has many traits of his father. That he feels that he is right in all things and will only do what he wishes, when he wishes and on his own terms - whenever and whatever that may be. I feel that he may not repent of what he has done this last day and continue to fear each day what he will do now. I don't think he sees this as severely as it is, even if I see it as more severe than others. Still, I do not want to make him feel betrayed in any way I just wish him the best help he can recieve.

Thank you for your advice. I haven't actually said anything to him or nagged him at all. This is only the first full day after his confession to me. So far, we've gone on like any other normal day. I know it's not easy and I know that I cannot force him to just resolve his issues. Only he can do that. I am just hoping for some advice on how to go to him about getting help or approach him to let him know that he needs to address this serious issue without making him feel like he's a horrible person. I am not trying to condemn him or take away his recommend + priesthoods + sacrament (because that obviously didn't work and that's not my call) I am his wife, my duty is to service him but I am unsure how to service him at this point when our issues - while similiar - are seperate and need seperate treatment. I am also glad you brought up the point of that if I do try to force him he'll just dig in his heels more - this is SO true with my Husband. Any excuse for him to avoid his problems, he'll take it! The reason he said that he commit the sin was because "It was a lazy day", when he is unemployed - could have been looking for a job, we were to feed the missionaries that night (and needed groceries), the sink was overflowing with dishes, and there was a bucketload of chores that didn't get touched! He chose not to do anything! I know he's stressed without a job but I have not pressured him, I have not said one word against him. I have encouraged him only to speak to our career specialist at the church if he would like (since she was my visiting teachee) and since my company is hiring, I sent him to our website to look for some openings there. It took him 2 weeks to do it, but he did both. I didn't complain or push him I just let him pace himself. He still doesn't actively look, and even though we need the income we aren't struggling so I just...support him and help him whenever I can.

Eowyn, we are not sealed in the temple so we won't have children outside of that. I had asked him once if we could - because when we had recieved our temple recommends I had wanted a child with him he told me no. He says children are expensive His reponse is always "not at this time". In retrospect, I am glad that was the answer now, as I would not be wanting to have a child with him knowing what I know now.

It just bothers me that it has barely three weeks that we've been temple worth; it took him 2 long years to get his priesthood + recommend + sacrament back. He did not show any signs of struggling and he was planning on hiding it from me. We are recovering together from similiar concerns so we are generally open about it. I understand why he is not forthcoming with it the day it happens, and my Husband never really was one to tell me when he had broken his promises. In fact, I've always had to find out on my own which only hurts me more. I just am not sure what to do because this strain on my marriage (a new marriage might I add) is not going to allow us to be sealed at the end of the year, nor raise a family. I've known my husband for 10 years prior to our marriage, we were pen-pals and I know by the spirit that I was to marry him. I do love him with all of my heart, I just don't want our marriage to fail or fall apart. My father was highly addicted to pornography which ruined his marriage to my mother, it also exposed me and my sister at a young age. My sister became very promiscuous at a young age which led to sexual abuse by an older man and I became addicted to pornography as well. I have finally overcome my addiction because of my faith and the atonement, if it were not for the temple I fear I would still be wrapped in it. But I had the willpower and the desire to overcome such a disgusting habit, I fear my husband does not really have this desire as I did. I know he knows it is wrong, and I know he realizes the need to repent but I do not think he has the full capacity and desire to do so. The contrite spirit and broken heart as we should say.

What do I do? I know that my Husband is breaking his covenants, but I don't know what to do. It isn't my responsibility to tell our Bishop - only he can repent, but it's straining our marriage. My husband is recently unemployed and looking for work, I am employed full time and at work all day. My husband has (or what I thought was prevously) struggled with an addition to pronography and masturbation. We have talked to our bishop and his temple recommendation and priesthoods were revoked for two years. Recently, just this month, we were able to attend the temple together again. For me, this was the first time I was able to attend the temple ever. I'm a convert to the church and I had many apprehensions to overcome as well as addictions of my own. However, taking the temple prep class + prayer and meetings with the bishop allowed me to overcome my addictions to be completely worth of my recommend. I made 100% sure of that. June 9th was my endowment and I recently just went back to the temple for the second time on Monday (the 18th) with my husband. After we left the temple, he says to me that he realized that it's not enough to tell Satan to begone from our presence to relieve our addictions but that we have to do this, plus we have to move away and forward. I had hope in me that we were both maintaining our worthiness. Come to find out, last night we were intimate and he could not finish. I knew from previous experience that meant that he had pleasured himself earilier in the day. I asked him to stop, and asked him sincerely to answer if he had. He said that he did and I thanked him for his honesty. We went to bed with that being said, but since then I have been so upset. I just cannot allow him to enter the temple having violated these sacred covenants nor preform his priesthoods in our home knowing that he may not be worthy to have them. It's not my saying, it's up to the bishop, but I feel he obtain his recommend under false pretenses and I am just betrayed. I love my husband dearly, but I am not sure what to do. He is very prideful and stubborn. He does not like being told what to do, and in previous times when he has done something as "little" as masturbation, bishops have often given him the "resist temptation" speech. But this goes further, I know he has a problem and should not be allowed to continue to violate such convenants without serious circumstances. Even having preisthoods, recommend, and sacrament revoked for 2 years seemed to do nothing...I am at a loss. He just doesn't seem repentant....any advice on what do to?