Shortstuff

Hi Newbie! Left the area about 3 years ago. Good to have ya!

I think you hit the nail on the head. Those who have never been in a truly destructive relationship don't understand that it's not just regular marital strife and count your blessings that you don't. Unfortunately it's also hard to tell when you are in a destructive relationship and when to stay and when to back out leaving you vulnerable to all sorts of mistakes you never thought you would make.

I don't think you want our advice anymore. You knew what the right answer when you posed the question. Were you looking for someone to pat you on the back and say it's okay? You don't sound torn anymore because you've blocked that part of yourself that knows you've done wrong. To call this a less than ideal way to be with someone is really putting it mildly. The love you say you feel is truly for your own happiness and not the good of the other person because you know in your heart what is best. How do I know? I have had to let go of a person I truly loved because I knew that by being with me they could not reach their full happiness. To call letting go hard is beyond an understatement. In the short term yes your relationship is pleasurable the euphoria of this passionate romance is like an emotional addiction. Yet if you were completely sure that this was the right thing then why would you keep revisiting this forum? You KNOW what you should do. It is so obvious and yet you come back here trying to justify yourself. It isn't only your wife you hurt. Your lover has been hurt too and you won't see it because you have her. You have soured the church and your values for her, her husband and children. I cannot imagine the resentment they will feel toward you as they grow older. Love, unfortunately does not conquer all. You know it and to keep trying to say it's okay because you're happy is exactly what you know it is, selfish and wrong. All I have to say is that if your mind is made up and nothing we say is going to change that, you should quit visiting this forum. No one can back you up. I think you know that.

LDS Addiction Recovery Program You can attend support groups and he can attend a group to overcome. The main problem is going to be for him to admit he has a problem and wants to overcome it. It's like alcoholics anonymous with a 12 step process. I am so sorry about this. I am dealing with a similar issue. Feel free to message me anytime and I'll write you back.

When marriage comes to a head you have two choices, confront it or run away. Having an affair is running from it. My father in law hates confrontation and is the nicest person because he wants to be agreeable. That was his downfall and yours too I suspect. You were so scared of your wife's wrath if you stood up for yourself (and I know some wrathful vindictive women who treat their men like crap and it would surprise me more if they stood up to them than if they cheated on them) that you ran from it. It makes me so sad that now you're standing here in this situation because now you've gone from being justifiably wronged to being the bad guy. You can't change what you did but you can still do the right thing for everyone and start over on your own and let everyone heal, especially you.

It's too bad that you weren't able to take a step back and evaluate your relationship before jumping into a new one. I hope you will find your way back to the church and remember those feelings you once had. Do you remember those feelings had once upon a time? On your mission perhaps? (D&C 6:22-23) I don't know you personally so I hesitate to say you need to find yourself before moving into another serious relationship because it sounds as if your mind's made up. My father-in-law was excommunicated about 14 years ago for an affair he had with another LDS woman. He still attends church but he has not been re baptized because he still resents his wife for how badly she treated him during their marriage. And he was in the bishopric when it all went down. In studies about love the "in love" feeling has an average life span of 2 years, secretive love affairs a little longer. (Dr. Dorothy Tennov). The feeling I'm getting from you is that you are afraid that you are no longer worthy of a relationship with a "good LDS woman" because of your affair. It's exactly what Satan wants. You can rebound and be a stronger person by owning up to your end destruction of the marriage. Honestly, I don't see how it couldn't have lasted any longer by the sounds of it. The hardest thing would be to do what? Step away from the OW and make peace with yourself? Would it hurt her to lose you? Of course. But has she honestly been given the chance to be on her own and evaluate herself as an individual alone? She is as much a child of God as you are and he wants her to succeed as much as he wants you to. Don't be afraid to immerse yourself back into God's arms and you know you can't do this as long as you hold on to this OW. She can't progress as long as you are holding her back. God loves you. He wants you back and it's never too late. Quit thinking about who's going to want you and being alone. If you can face your future with that possibility of God first aside from a woman, you will find happiness. I promise you. When you have completely forgiven yourself, your wife, life it will happen. It's faith. Embrace it. It's terrifying but let it save you. You will do what you want to do. It's just something to consider.

My brother's wife is from Denmark and her father changed his name to his wife's name when they were married. He did magic shows or something and she had a more exotic Dutch name that he liked better than his last name which was the Danish equivalent to Smith here. It was the early 1960's when he changed it. So you have precedence.

The exact same thing happened to one of my brothers.

My brother is in his early 40's and would never admit to being lonely in a family ward. I wish there were other single men to fellowship him. I know they are in my ward but I don't know who they are and I wonder if like him they keep a low profile because seeing the families is tough. Going through a divorce now I don't feel right attending singles things until it's final but I want to if only to get him out there since no one else is reaching out to him. While everyone else is "sorry" for me I think that he is excited to have another single to hang out with. I commend your efforts and wish more of the single men would be more outgoing like you.

It may take years for him to get the right balance of meds. However taking meds without therapy is like trying to read the user's manual to your body without understanding the language. I'm guessing this came on around puberty which it usually does. But seeing someone is crucial because right now he is forming the habits that will last for life. My husband found the right meds in his 30's but the problem was he had gotten into the habit of blaming every bad behavior on his depression. My brother had the same issue and my parents let all sorts of irresponsible behavior slide because of the "depression". Luckily your son is still young enough that he can avoid this and live a productive life. 1) He needs to recognize his problem. If illegal drugs are an issue that he's serious about quitting, a 12 step program support group would be invaluable. 2) He needs to recognize this as HIS problem and not expect anyone to fix it and get serious about fighting for his life. 3) He needs to recognize how his problem hurts those around him and get serious about fighting for his life. You can't do that for him and I think you know it. The hardest part is that when it comes down to it, it's his life. God gave us free agency and he's free to let his depression defeat him via suicide or to fight it with the resources he has (friends, family, doctors, God etc.) Maybe you're praying for the wrong thing? Maybe we should be praying for God to help him embrace what he has to fight the battle not to take the battle away.

The first thing you should do is contact another priesthood holder that you trust like your home teacher or bishop (preferably someone older like a high priest who either has experience with evil spirits or can refer you to someone who does) and ask for a blessing. You cannot fight this on your own. You need help and you need it immediately. You may also need to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues just in case. Cling to what you know is right like scriptures and hymns and avoid anything that does not invite the spirit. This includes seemingly innocuous things like the radio or novels and t.v. Satan and his demons are real and they want you any way they can get you. One trap you need to avoid is thinking that you feel different than other people. You don't know what other people feel just because they act a certain way. There are plenty of people who feel deeply as you do but behave "normally" because it is expected of them. The older you get the more you will realize that everyone has secrets or a side that they keep hidden from casual observers. Now turn off this computer and do it now.

I live in the cow town of Mapleton, Utah south of Provo and in my ward/neighborhood alone we have at least four multiracial couples that I can think of off the top of my head which is about the same as I had in Orange County, California where I lived for 9 years. In fact I see more African American faces here than I ever did there.

My first reaction was... lucky girls. My second reaction was oh no. When I turned 21 back in 1997 there was this attitude at BYU that if you were a girl who DIDN'T go on a mission you were somehow spiritually inferior to the girls who did. I met plenty of guys who up front said they only wanted to date or marry returned missionaries. I had an argument with a guy I barely met over this. Fact is women DO NOT bear the same responsibility as men to go on missions. So my uh oh was for all those good, righteous girls who at 19 choose to not go on missions in favor of school or simply not wanting to. I was like oh, please not again (it was toned down a bit when that fall when President Hinkley said something in Priesthood session of conference to quit pushing (guilting) girls into serving missions. Even thought President Monson so clearly stated that women are NOT under the same obligation to serve as men I am sure there's going to be a resurgence of young men with the idea in their minds that only the returned sisters are good enough. (By the way my bitterness came because At 21 I REALLY wanted to serve but my Dad was against it until I graduated college. I still married at 23 same as the returned sisters of my same age.)

I think the majority of callings are made to fill spots or given to people so they can have a calling and something to do in the ward. I've always been in primary. I think it's because I'm one of the few who's willing to do it. But when I was 18 I was called as a "greeter". I'm almost positive it's a calling they only give out when they don't have enough to go around. Despite that I still feel bad that I turned it down. I was shy back then.

You marry when you find the right person and unfortunately for some people this comes later than others. I have good friends who didn't find the right person until they were in their 30's or 40's and it wasn't for any lack of trying. I would have LOVED to have served a mission. Unfortunately my Dad pressured me out of it even though I wasn't married until I was 23! He held the purse strings and had a lot of control over my life. I worried by not serving a mission I wasn't going to be good enough for the "good" guys. Lots of us girls would have loved the lack of complication that comes from serving at a younger age. It's easy to avoid guys for one year but for three it was tough! For some by the time you got to 21 you were so close to graduating that you just skipped it. It's a good time to be young.