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  1. Like
    BadWolf got a reaction from Sunday21 in Advice on my marriage problems   
    5 years is the statistical average for an abused spouse to recover fully from the abuse. 2 years is the statistical average to merely not be a hot mess. For abusers, actively ADMITTING their abuse -which he is not: he admits, then recants, then justifys, then blame shifts, then poor-me's, then expresses remorse, then recants... Which is just über common manipulative-people-pleasing-abuser behavior....Like über common addict behavior is lying, hiding, promises, breaks promise, lies, hides... This guy is showing all the signs of CLASSIC red-flag abuser-, anyhow, for those ACTUALLY ADMITTING and working to control their abuse & manipulation tendencies... The numbers are similar. 2-3 years of intensive therapy & 2-3 years additional in living what they're been learning.
    2-5 years ALSO is the average period of time that an addict in recovery (without relapses) takes to get really solid. There's a durn good reason why 12 step chits go on the cycles they do up to 2 years, and then its "just" recovery birthdays. The first 2 years = hot mess.
    A change of HEART???
    Yes. That can and usually does take moments.
    In addiction land... That's known as a "moment of clarity".
    In abuse? That's a lot more complex & deep seated... Which I'm too tired to get into the whole psychopathology of right now. But it takes YEARS to change patterns of behavior, emotional knee jerk reactions, etc... And that's IF AND ONLY IF the abuse is recognized, and that person is actively working with pros to learn emotional monitoring & regulation, cognitive awareness, and is working on changing long held attitudes and patterns of behavior.
    A lot of people get there. ESP those with family of origin issues who swore they'd never be like their abusive parent and look in the mirror and SEE that parent staring back at them (through the eyes of a miserable or terrified spouse or child, most often).
    I thought, in the beginning, that the OP was there.
    Its become really clear, however, he's not.
    He's recanting instead of repenting.
    Seeking sympathy instead of counsel.
    And is one big flashing neon sign
    Which is why Im responding to you, instead of him.
    Any words from me are wasted on him.
    I'm hoping, though, that you can see that knowing the gospel has nothing to do with a very pragmatic/normal timeframe for recovery from abusive behavior & addictions. God very rarely causes miracles to instantly heal someone (usually we need to see the doctor, get the bones set, do our physical therapy)
    ... And while I'm sure that DOES happen, lying in the road after being in a car crash COUNTING on god to do the heavy lifting, is just generally a bad idea.
    Which is what the idea of NOT counting on several years of hard work to change systems of thought and patterns of behavior equates to.
    True repentence requires action (not just reaction).
    Action takes time.
    But it also requires acknowledgement. And he's already back peddled on that. Which is heartbreaking. Common, but heartbreaking. Abusers are usually only sorry for brief periods of time. And also sadly, usually only sorry for how its affecting them, instead of how they've affected others.
    Cycle of abuse.
  2. Like
    BadWolf got a reaction from Sunday21 in Advice on my marriage problems   
    Until you get over "who hasn't emotionally abused their spouse?", and that its justifiable to punch "teeny" holes in walls & destroy things in anger, and see these are NOT molehills... you will not understand why your STBXW took out an order of protection against you.
    Who DOESN'T emotionally abuse their wife???
    I'm still flabbergasted by this statement.
    Most. Husbands.
    I thank my Heavenly Father that this country grants orders of protection and restraining orders.
    Oh. And they're easy enough to get thrown out when there's no cause.
    Your lawyer said you'd lose, because there IS cause.
  3. Like
    BadWolf got a reaction from Sunday21 in Advice on my marriage problems   
    ANY of the 3 is enough
    Addiction, Abuse, Adultery, Done.
    Please. Take the next few years to work on yourself, and with a good therapist before getting in another relationship. And by few, think 2 at a minimum, and 5 as a reasonable goal.
  4. Like
    BadWolf got a reaction from Sunday21 in Advice on my marriage problems   
    Eegads, man... Leave the poor woman alone!!!
    Why on earth would you torture her with your sexcapades? Why do you keep trying to inflict pain on her???
    It sounds like she HAS tried, HAS taken you at your (repeatedly broken) word, undoubtedly with your current "its different this time" pleas.
    If you ACTUALLY love her, let her go.
    Let her recover from the pain and betrayals you not only left at her feet but forced down her throat, and are still trying to force her to endure.
    Let. Her. Go.
    Stop. Causing. Her. Pain.