motogirlAZ

Thank you for you words of advice. What am I specifically struggling with... I guess loneliness and isolation. I just ended a 8 year unhealthy relationship at the beginning of this year. I was talking to my family tonight and I told them that living outside of the gospel for so long you just get used to doing what you want to do and when you want to do it. You are able to fill any desire at any time. The moral thread of society has changed completely as President Monson described. Living the gospel is like paddling upstream... for years I was on the boat enjoying the turbulent waters... and went where ever I felt like going. I guess I just have lost hope and faith and I am trying to reconnect... Right now I have to be very mindful of everything I do. People I talk with. Music I listen to. TV I watch. I unfortunately took myself so far down the downward spiral I have a lot of climbing to do to get back out of the hole. When an alcoholic gets sober they have to change people, places, and things. It is the great obsession of every alcoholic to be "normal" and drink like normal people do. I could say that is the same for me. It is the battle I fight most days to not go back to my normal old ways while I create new healthy habits. I would love to be able to just be normal and not have to conscientiously and mindfully watch EVERYTHING I do so I don't break a commandment. I guess I am like a young child learning how to walk, I must take a few steps before I learn to run. I wish I would have just been able to be converted to the gospel as a young child.

I have recently started back to the church after years and years of being inactive. I am doing EVERYTHING that is asked of me. I read the scriptures almost daily, i pray throughout the day, I worked with my bishop to work through my years of inactivity and the mistakes I made, and I actively serve others. Yet I am struggling with different thoughts and feelings I have not felt since I left the church. Feeling LESS than, feeling hopeless that I can not live this high standard of life, and feeling like I just want to RUN.... RUN fast away. I have prayed, I have fasted... and so forth. Sometimes it brings hours of peace but the overwhelming feeling of "I can't do this" returns. Living the gospel is REALLY hard. I know if I walk away I will never come back. I am looking for ANY suggestions or advice on how to make it through this. I am desperate for any advice, answers, or prayers. I do not want to be a burden on anyone in my ward or my bishop anymore...