CalledToServe

The bishop can't fix it. The therapist can't fix it. You can't fix it. He can't fix it. There's only one person who can fix it and until both of you turn to Him completely and rely solely on Him, it won't be fixed. Your husband's love for you will enable you to motivate him to do the things that he needs to in order to turn to Christ. But you won't know what to do yourself unless you have turned to Christ and recognized that He is the only one with the power to solve your problems. Seek Christ. Trust only Him. Read the Book of Mormon prayerfully with the intent to learn who Christ is. It is the only way to save your husband and your marriage.

I have skimmed this thread but not taken the time to read in depth. Still I would like to respond. I want to because I know God lives. Saying that, I have to admit that I haven't seen Him. I don't know for certain that He is a human figure. I haven't seen the marks in the Savior's hands. I believe these things because others who I trust have testified that they are so, but I don't know and won't until I can see God for myself. If you feel compelled to pursue this matter of whether or not you should go to church, I would suspect that it is because you desire happiness. Were you not taught by the church that happiness came from doing all that the church asked of you? I know I was. And so we are drawn to the things that we think will bring us happiness. Whether or not attending church will make you happy, I do not know. What I do know is that learning to trust God is what truly makes us happy. The church was intended for this purpose and has the power to bring us happiness as it fulfills this obligation. God does love us and He is involved in our lives, in every detail of them. At least I assume He is as involved in everyone's life as much as in mine. The difference is in whether or not we can recognize His involvement. We are given veils in this life that cloak our ability to see God's works. When we break through those veils, we grow in peace and joy because we know that even in the difficult times, our God is with us. We know that every struggle we go through is actually for our good. More important than attending church is reading the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon testifies of Christ and it is necessary to partake of His sacrifice in order to rend the veil. The Book of Mormon is so simple that it can teach the weakest student and so complex that it can feed the most informed mind. If you want to find happiness, I suggest not worrying about whether or not you can find middle ground in the church and start seeking Christ.

Nothing except perhaps murder would keep you out of the temple permanently. You may need to marry first and wait for a while to go to the temple but eventually you would be able to be married in the temple. Refer to your bishop for your specific situation.

Jesus did all He did out of love and so I always advise people to follow their hearts. You are in a very difficult situation, though, and there are more things pulling at your heart than just this woman, namely your three boys. While you are not committed to her yet, you are committed to them. You might consider what the best way to show love to them is.

I think all doctrines are mind blowing when they are taught to you through the Spirit. For me, the greatest doctrine of the gospel is: I am a child. Here is how the Spirit helped me understand it. First, I am a child. That means I'm weak and cannot do all the things I need to take care of my spiritual needs, like a little child. I need help, a loving Father who will take care of me. Second, I am of God. That means that despite the weakness, I have eternal potential. I am also loved by a God. I can trust Him to help me realize my potential. It falls flat when I explain it in words but when the Spirit helped me see these things, I was overwhelmed with understanding and a feeling of love from God. It is definitely a doctrine that blows me away.

Do you ask your children questions or just try to explain things to them? I find that asking questions is a much more effective way of teaching children than just telling them. First of all, it helps you understand them well, so when you do talk, you know what to say. Secondly, it helps the kids to think about the things they have experienced and come to more correct conclusions. I've had great success focusing on asking sincere questions when trying to deal with difficult situations with my kids.

The Lord is merciful and kind and never asks us to do anything that we can't do. Furthermore, our marriages are precious to Him, much more than money. If I were you, I would start praying and asking the Lord what you should do about tithing and the church. He can work something out for you. The important thing is that you want to do what the Lord commands, not that you actually can do it. If you want to obey the Lord's commandments, then you will see wonderful things happen in your life.

I also recommend "Passing the Heavenly Gift" by Denver Snuffer. I'm reading it now and it helped me a lot to overcome some of my reservations in sustaining the leaders of the church as prophets, seers, and revelators. I would also like to share a personal experience that might help your friend. The purpose of the church is to bring people to Christ. As I encountered troubling things that made me wonder about Brigham Young and even Joseph Smith, I began to pray about how I could know the truth. The Lord answered that question by pointing out to me that my personal relationship with Christ didn't actually depend on knowing exactly what happened back in early church times. All I really needed to know was that Joseph Smith did receive the vision he claimed he did, that the Book of Mormon truly brings us closer to Christ, and that the Lord has personally asked me to serve in the church. I'm truthfully not certain still that Brigham Young was actually a prophet of God, but it doesn't matter any more. I am where I am supposed to be and that is all that matters. Your friend will also benefit from seeking to come closer to Christ. It would seem to me, that he is searching for truth. There is no other place to find the truth than through the Spirit of the Lord. Good books and the scriptures can help, but he needs first and foremost to go to the Lord, if he is not presently doing so.

Christ can heal any illness, including depression. The reason why we use doctors and drugs in addition to priesthood blessings is because our faith is weak. If our faith were strong enough, we would be healed of any affliction, including depression and including depression caused by chemical imbalances. Having said that, there is no reason for us to be frustrated or lose hope in the Lord's healing power just because we haven't been healed by spiritual means. Our purpose here on earth is to develop faith. So if we find ourselves lacking in faith, well then, it looks like we are in the right place. Now's a great time to take a step up. I believe that any person who seeks answers to their problems through the Spirit will be led to the right place for them, whether that is to a doctor, to a helpful organization, or to a priesthood holder for a blessing. I have been blessed at all stages through my spiritual development to find answers to my problems through the Spirit. The answer to all our problems lie in speaking and listening to our loving Heavenly Father.

Yup, tall guy kissing short woman. It's got everything except her foot raised behind her.

Even couples who are both members have things they don't see eye to eye on and it can cause pain in the relationship. For anyone who wants to convince anyone else to see things their way, I suggest the following spiritual exercise. The law of sacrifice invites us to give up the things that are important to us for things that are more important. So, in this case, you can actually give up your need to be understood in order to to gain the ability to understand others. So basically what you do is, when you discover a disagreement you have, you pray to be able to understand them and to see things the way they do. The Lord can actually open your eyes so that you see and understand things exactly the way they do. This understanding that the Lord gives you may allow the other person to understand you better. But even if it doesn't, it does increase the love that you have for the other person. Love is always a good thing. Love is what will ultimately make the difference when we are seeking entrance to the celestial kingdom. Love is what truly seals one person to another. Love helps us let go of the worry and doubt that we have over our loved ones and allows us to serve them selflessly. It's a good thing all around.

You are the leader in the home. Sex is symbolic of the entire marriage relationship. The fact that your wife is not interested in sex is because you are not first fulfilling her sexual needs. When you learn to fill hers, you will find that she naturally wants to have sex with you. I'll give you a hint; you can't fulfill your wife's sexual needs in bed. You gotta start way before you ever enter the bedroom. Consider some of the things you did before you were married to convince her to marry you--you weren't concerned about getting sex then. You were willing to delay your needs to fulfill hers in order to convince her to marry you. You have to do this same thing in marriage if you are going to meet your wife's needs. To better help you understand your wife's sexual needs, I highly recommend this book. It's very short and written to speak to men.: Making LOVE The Joy Of Your Marriage: Beverlea Jace Powers: Amazon.com: Kindle Store Another thing you should know is that no one on earth has all their needs met. If you are turning to porn and other methods of getting your needs filled then you are missing the ultimate opportunity we have been given here on earth: the opportunity to turn to Christ. He can help you deal with any deficiency in your life, including this one. There is no excuse for sin because the Savior is there and waiting for us to come to Him. If you want to solve this problem, there is no other way than to turn to Him for forgiveness and help in overcoming your sins.

I'll tell you a story about myself. I don't know if it will apply to you; I'll leave that up to you to figure out. After the birth of my fourth baby, my husband suddenly seemed totally uninterested in sex. After a month or two, I was really starting to worry about it. We were friendly to each other--a little too friendly. I felt like I was living with a roommate. I didn't know what was wrong because I was in the same shape I had been after all my other babies and he hadn't had a problem then. One day I was praying and the Lord told me I needed to show my husband love--that he was feeling unloved. I had no idea how to do that, so I asked my husband how I could show him more love. He said things like, clean up the house, fix meals, etc. Well, that didn't help me at all because I was already doing those things to the best of my ability and couldn't do them any better (sort of like you and making money). Besides, when I did do those things better, they never seemed to really make a difference to him. So I went back to the Lord. The Lord told me to smile at my husband every time he came home and not complain about anything. I was in the habit of telling him about all the things that had gone wrong that day, looking for a sympathetic ear. I was often out of sorts because of something the kids had done so he got a scowly complaining wife to greet him when he got home every night. I did as the Lord asked. When he walked in, I smiled, no matter what. And it didn't matter what the kids did, I didn't say a word about it to him. I recall one day one of the kids pooped diarrhea all over the rubber mat in our hallway and while cleaning it up, I discovered that under the mat it was moldy and gross. I had to clean up the whole mess and it was totally gross. Of course he walked in the door the moment I finished cleaning. But I smiled and didn't say a word. I can't even tell you the effect it had on our marriage. It was like being newlyweds all over again. I remember one day a month or two after I started my smiling campaign that he was already late leaving for work but didn't want to leave because he was too busy kissing me. But he wasn't the only one that changed. I found that I didn't feel the need to complain to him about everything that went wrong anymore. I was happier too, just knowing that I was making him happy. There was a time a while later when he did the same thing to me. It didn't last too long, maybe a week or so, but I got to experience the same effect that perhaps my smiling had on him. It was a huge stress relief to have him smiling at me whenever I saw him. When I saw his smile, I didn't have to worry about whether or not he was upset over anything or whether I was going to have to deal with a cranky husband. Unfortunately our good times didn't last forever. We are struggling with a lot of other problems right now. But I thought I would share that great learning experience I had. It might help your wife, too. You never know.

This is a long thread and I'm just joining in, which is kind of awkward, but since I haven't seen any comments from an abused wife yet . . . My husband didn't only emotionally abuse me, he physically abused me. Guess what? The physical abuse wasn't what hurt the most. I've talked to other women in my same situation and found that they say the same thing--every last one of them. It's the emotional abuse that kills. You want to know what was at the heart of the emotional abuse? It was that my husband used me like he owned me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that he felt he had a right to my body, my services, my time, my life. He wanted everything on his terms. My desires didn't matter to him as long as he got what he wanted. I gave him sex every time he wanted it. But I went years--YEARS--without getting my sexual needs fulfilled. Don't think it was because he didn't know. I told him what I needed but he just never had time. It wasn't important enough to him. I wasn't important enough to him. He killed my desire for him. When we were dating, I was crazy for him. I couldn't wait for our wedding night. But after not too long he had just plain wore me out. He took, and took, and took, and took, until I didn't have anything else to give. I didn't decide that I didn't want him sexually anymore, it just happened, because he asked everything--and more--but gave as little as possible in return. I left him over the emotional abuse. I could take the physical. In fact, after he had spent over an hour beating me up one time, I felt empowered. I had been so scared that I would cave in when he hurt me--I knew it was coming--but instead every pain I suffered only hardened my resolve to never give in. The feeling of freedom was so intoxicating that before the fight was over, I was intentionally goading him on. In the end that time, I was the one who got what I wanted and he was the one who had to let me do what I wanted. But I couldn't fight the emotional abuse. And don't think it was all verbal. Oh, sure, he criticized me sometimes. But it wasn't that. It was the dirty looks, the change of behavior, the change of mood, whenever I did something that didn't please him. Even his compliments were demeaning because he didn't mean them. They were so patronizing, like I was a little child, just spoken to appease me, not because he actually appreciated anything I was doing. In the end I realized I had a choice. I could either make my own choices as to what was wrong and right, do what I felt I should, and live with a man who was angry with me for not bowing to his whims; or I could live as a slave to someone else's desires. Or I could leave. Eventually, I had to leave. I love my husband so much it nearly killed me to leave him. I honestly wanted to die. I thought about killing myself. But when I think about returning, it is just as bad. I can't go back. That would kill me too. If he changed, I would be back with him in an instant. If he really changed. But he doesn't and he can't, because he can't accept this one truth: that he has no power to change himself. His solutions to the problem are always the same: try harder, act differently, be better. He says: this is what I'm going to do from now on. And yet I know he can't. Because at heart he is still the same person. And so eventually, he's going to wear down and go back to his true nature. I've seen it happen again and again. Only the Savior can change his nature, and yet he doesn't turn to Him. He keeps turning to himself and trying to do it all himself. He has no power. I'm not going to give you any advice accept one thing: don't compare yourself to my husband and think you're doing okay because you're not as bad as him. If you do, you'll lose any chance of understanding what your wife might be going through. I would bet that if she is everything you have said about her, then it hurt her too, to block you out of her life. She might just be hurting as bad as I am, wanting to go back and knowing she can't. If there is to be any chance of you getting her back, you have to go forward. You have to let go of her and learn to cling to the Lord instead. The Lord teaches us that it is the person who loses their life who gains it. If you don't let her go, you'll never get her back. Okay, I lied. That's another piece of advice. So since I'm on a roll, I might as well go on and give you one more. Turn to the Savior. Forget about your wife because you can't do anything with her now. Just look to the Savior and let Him sort things out. I can't promise you that that will get you your wife back, but I can promise you that in the end you will have everything your heart desires.

I'm afraid you've missed a very important word in the prayer. It's the word "willing." Take a look at it. We don't actually covenant to do those three things, we covenant to show the Lord we are willing to do them. This is certainly merciful and kind of our Father in Heaven. Do you know anyone who is doing all they are supposed to do? I would doubt it. But that's okay, because right now Heavenly Father just wants us to show that we are trying our best. The prayer over the water (or originally the wine) is different. In that case, we are actually promising to have done something, not just show we are willing: O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee, in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this wine to the souls of all those who drink of it, that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them. Amen. So now we are covenanting to always remember Him, not just be "willing" to. Why the difference? Why not include the other two things? That's because if we are always remembering him, then we have already taken upon us His name and are keeping His commandments. All this is part of a three step plan of progression. First we show Him we have repented of our sins by being baptized, then we show Him we are willing to be 100% obedient to His commandments, and THEN after we've done those two things, then we actually accomplish it and remember Him always. So if you have been baptized, but haven't had the Spirit confirm to you that you have witnessed to the Father that you are willing to do those three things, that is the next step you should be working on. And if you have had that witness, then you should be working on always remembering Him. Each step is a little higher than the other and each is attainable only after we have accomplished the previous steps. Now if tithing is cut and dried to you, then go ahead and pay it the way you believe you should. That is one way of showing the Lord you are willing to keep His commandments. But we ought not to think our way is the only way or that it is so obvious to other people. Everyone comes from different perspectives. The benefit of asking questions is, if we take them to the Lord, we get to converse with Him. And He loves that. How often have we heard that it isn't really about the money? It really isn't. It's about showing Heavenly Father, not even that we want to be obedient to Him, but that we love Him (which is what we are doing when we try our best to be obedient to Him). So let's make the process more loving and less analytical. In the end, He doesn't need the money at all. The Being who can calm wind and waves just by talking to them and move mountains could build us all the temples and church buildings we need just by saying the word. So if we stop stressing so much about the amount we are paying and start using it as an opportunity to come to know our God, then, well, we've really truly paid our tithing, no matter what we do.