jerrop

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Everything posted by jerrop

  1. That's quite an agenda you've got there. I'm glad you've found a way to make it work with your presidency meetings. A couple of things stuck out to me as I was reading your thoughts. Firstly, regarding meeting frequency. I'm obviously not familiar with your ward, but I would suggest that you be open to meeting more often than monthly. Nobody likes long meetings, but a 20-30 minute mid-month meeting could let all of you follow-up and touch bases on those agenda items. Might help with productivity. Partway into my time as EQ pres I had weekly meetings that I scheduled immediately preceding sacrament meeting, so we had a fixed end time. But things went much better all around when we had shorter, more frequent meetings. Just a thought. Second is regular PPIs. (Or home teaching interviews, or one-on-ones, or whatever you want to call them.) Your activity and home teaching levels make me think this would help. It's not a time to just check on home teaching, or to chastise, but it's an opportunity to get a sense of how they are personally, learn of challenges or sucesses, provide encouragement and training, and show love. *You can delegate some of these to your counselors. You have keys that give you that right.* Seek training from the bishop or your high councilor if you need to. Train your counselors if you need to. Maybe you already know all this and you can just ignore me. I just wish I'd had this pounded into my head a bit more when I started the calling. I can tell you're making a valiant effort with your service, keep it up!
  2. ("Succession" is really not the right word, but my vocabulary fails me sometimes...) When I was in Elders Quorum, I had two first counselors move away (on two separate occasions, of course). Both times, my second counselor was released and then made first counselor, with the new counselor called as second counselor. The first time, the old second counselor, a wonderful man fairly young in the church, felt honored and expressed his surprise. I hadn't thought much of it initially; I had no specific role for one vs the other. The high councilor said something about "an order of things" in relation to this. I've been thinking since about it and trying to pay more attention to changes in certain callings. I've seen this occur in the First Presidency (I believe it's a fairly formalized standard there), Stake Presidency, Elders Quorum, Aaronic Priesthood. I've seen too many changes to bishoprics to keep them straight. Don't know about Relief Society, Primary, or Sunday School. It did not happen in my Young Men Presidency, but I expect that was because we wanted specific people working with specific quorums. I suspect Young Women Presidencies are the same. So the question in my mind is whether this is a doctrine or policy, or if it's just tradition? I can't find a clear scriptural reference, nor have I found anything in either handbook. It doesn't bother me either way, and doesn't have any particular bearing on my testimony, I just find myself interested in administrative matters in the church. Does anyone more knowledgeable about this have an answer? If there's an answer to this somewhere ellse, please point me there.
  3. This drives me nuts. As if it's more important to focus on image over living right. I can see their logic but it's flawed -- a church which teaches that heavenly rewards are more valuable than earthly, with members who think the world will perceive the church as failing if they don't emphasize their earthly rewards? NightSG - our first place was 425 square feet, but of course had everything we needed. The worst part was that the combination kitchen/dining room/living room was too small to have a full-sized dishwasher. First-world problems...
  4. This is exactly my feeling. I hope I didn't come across as judgmental myself. I maybe got a touch ahead of myself in places. I should say that I do know men who commit this kind of time to work and are still tremendous fathers and husbands, and neglect neither family nor church. So I know it's possible, and they all say the way they make it happen is making a very conscious and sometimes heroic effort to give family and church their due. I suppose the source of the implied question is the observation that some choose to approach work in a way that precludes fulfillment of other responsibilities. (And this isn't exclusively medicine or healthcare; it can be seen anywhere.) My own father was self-employed for a good portion of my youth and I remember many nights when a production run was starting so he would come home just in time for dinner and go back to work right after to tend the machines all night. We would drop in sometimes and it seemed awful all the way around. Given the circumstances, that was what it took to keep things afloat, and I now understand the pressures he faced. One of the best moments was hearing that he was leaving his company for a quiet 9-5. We all survived, and he and I have a good relationship now, but I wonder sometimes how it would have been different if he had more time to be at home. I can only imagine how it affected my mom. So I always try to carefully evaluate what a job will cost me and my family, rather than just what it will pay me. I encourage others (especially the OP) to do the same. I know myself well enough to know that committing that much to work would have serious detrimental effects on what is really my life's work. I give serious credit to those who can make it all happen. Sorry to derail the thread...
  5. Jumping in after the action... I will echo LiterateParakeet's remark about therapists or counselors not necessarily making lots of money. I claim some authority in this, having worked in mental health for some years and knowing professionals of all types in the field. Many of them do in fact earn little more than a teacher at the same level in their career. Let me give you some practical information. "Therapist" and "counselor" are broad terms, considering qualifications. You can be a therapist with a master's degree, but moneywise you are in the back of the line. Or you can be a therapist with an MD and still likely earn less money than other MD specialists. And all of that hinges on getting into a graduate program, which is far less simple or likely than many people think. Wanting admission doesn't get you in a program, just like wanting more money doesn't fill up your bank account. Four years of unsuccessful applications taught me that I was not heading in the direction the Lord wanted me to. That's one of the hard ways to figure it out. But there's another consideration here. An upper middle class income for a therapist will require an investment of a good 4-5 years of graduate school, at least 1 year of internship, and possibly an additional 1-3 year fellowship, before you get close to that income supposedly showing everyone what a Mormon is capable of. Then for most it requires a minimum of 50-60 hour workweeks, as well as some evenings and weekends (unless you want to sacrifice pay). The work can be particularly draining and thankless, and with the direction healthcare is headed in, everything could change in 15-20 years. That will be your fiancé's life as you're trying to grow and raise a family if he keeps the original plan. Our ward includes a medical school, and it's striking how most med students and residents have such little time for anything but training. Many (but not all) are completely out of touch with their families and hardly see them. Many (but not all) cringe at church callings with any time commitment. Many (but not all) say they feel like a zombie because they sacrifice so much sleep to [insert medicine thing]. I'll contrast that with my experience earning 60-70% of what I would have as a neuropsychologist, working 40 hour weeks with consistent scheduling and no evenings or weekends. I don't like my job, but it allows me to do what I do love: I have time for my family, I spend most evenings with my kids and the rest with ward members, I can commit adequate time to being engaged in church service (even in busy callings), I can reasonably maintain good health, and I even have some free time some days. Our house is not as fancy or as big as I once imagined, I drive a 25-year-old Honda, and I don't travel to exotic locales (unless the intermountain west counts). But our needs are met and that is enough. Consider what the opportunity cost of a "higher" standard of living may be, for both of you. Money doesn't make someone evil, their choices do; still, money seems to open the door a bit wider. The Lord never told me He would give me a home in a gated community and new cars, but he did tell me He'd take care of me if I did the best I could to follow Him. I feel that, in spite of my many failings, He's kept good on that. Eowyn's right -- focus on showing people what kind of a *life* Mormons are capable of living. Aim for careers you like that will still allow you both to live good lives as good people. The blessings will be far richer than any level of income.
  6. I can see I wasn't clear. What I meant to convey is that the circumstance seems more complex than a straightforward presence or absence. The timing of the vote itself and the BSA's reaction says that the BSA seems to have had intentions beyond simply holding a vote on a high-profile policy matter.
  7. It's true that the vote was held during their "vacation" period (can't remember what the actual dates are). I'm inclined to give a little more leniency considering a few things. First, I don't think it's a secret that those general authorities dedicate far more of their time and energy to church matters than an average person at a full-time job. Schedules can be rather demanding, especially with travel. Is it fair that more than average should be expected of them? I'd say so. That doesn't mean that there's no value in dedicating some time to take a break. They're human and have their own limitations and things like families that I certainly hope they're not expected to completely neglect. So then if it's not a secret that they typically have a block of time off, why would the BSA schedule a vote during that period regarding an issue that's huge for the group who wouldn't be there, especially considering that they represent a large portion of the BSA's membership? It seems a little underhanded, and I don't think the request to delay the vote is unreasonable at all. So the BSA denies the request -- do we go to the meeting anyway or stay home? Should there be a pattern of bending over backwards for non-church organizations? The suggestion that they weren't present simply because they were on vacation doesn't give consideration to factors other than being on vacation, and there are plenty of those. I just don't see them deciding not to go simply because they're kicking back in the Bahamas. If that's all it were I imagine they could handle a couple days back for a major issue.
  8. This talk of "normal" is nagging at me. The concept of normal taps into how prevalent something is, so can really only refer to an action or a thing's observable existence. Don't you have to be able to count something to say how common it is? Even if you ask people how often they have feelings or thoughts, you're really only getting what they decide to tell you. We run into this question all the time with psychological assessment -- are they honest or somehow deceptive? -- but that's a different discussion. "Normal" is only descriptive, any meaning that comes with it is something we infer or assume. It's at best ignorant (even if innocent) and at worst destructive to talk about norms without considering assumptions. And normal does not mean right. Pornography use is no exception. Was it normal for boys of my generation to be exposed to pornography as adolescents? I believe so (can't remember the numbers). I'm normal that way, but it has brought absolutely no joy to me or others close to me in the years since. I'm even less okay with the idea that it's predicted to be far more common (if not guaranteed) for my kids. That thought scares me to death. Back to the point, I think in LDS culture we still underestimate the importance of actions. My current bishop, whose spirituality and intellect I have immense respect for, has talked a lot about this the last couple of years. Thoughts play a huge role in our actions, that's clear. We're accountable for our thoughts, but we're also accountable for what we do with them. Thinking about Matthew 5:27-28 -- Christ introduced the higher principles of chastity regarding lusting (of course this could be pornography) but not committing outward adultery. He illustrated the seriousness of all aspects of chastity, but He subtly made the distinction of sins of the heart vs. sins of actions. I don't get the sense anywhere that they're 1:1 in terms of seriousness, but maybe that's just me. With the thought preceding the action, wouldn't the offense of the action add to that of only the thought? I'm neither a wife nor a woman, but I suspect that the heart/action distinction is a big part of the emotions behind the original question. The first part is the same, but adultery has something more tangible and discrete -- a specific person. Pornography is physical but at the same time far more pervasive and nebulous than a person. You can take steps to remove someone from your life, even if they're drastic. On the other hand, I can imagine a very hopeless feeling when exposure to pornography seems to be so difficult (if not impossible) to avoid. So I don't agree with the idea that pornography is worse than adultery. I think I can see how someone might feel that way though.
  9. In my stake we have weekly addiction recovery meetings -- two, actually, because we're spread over a large area. Both are held at the meetinghouse in their respective areas because that's all we have for options. Every organization is strictly forbidden from scheduling any activities at the building on the evening of the meeting (if you look at our stake calendar, the entire evening from 5p on is blocked out), and we're reminded periodically that the only reason anyone should be at the church on those nights is for the meeting. One meets in the stake center; I'm friends with one of the service missionaries who was a facilitator for quite a while and he said that the stake presidency doesn't even conduct any business at the building on that night. That's how serious they take confidentiality. We've also talked about how effective these meetings are for many people. The people who come are there of their own volition and it can be a tremendous source of support and guidance as you work your way back.
  10. I remember having a conversation with my mission president after I came upon something that was probably similar in nature to the OP and, being a 19-year-old, got a bit caught up in the rush for a moment. He first asked if anything more inappropriate had come from it. When I said no, he said very firmly to keep it that way and move on. He told me about how missionaries occasionally would think or feel or even do a variety of things that were inappropriate but not exactly a deal-breaker, so to speak. He said some would get really worked up about it and feel like they were unworthy, sinful, damned, going to be sent home, etc. Then we talked about how we can easily get distracted by mistakes we've made but repented of (or maybe they didn't even require repentance) and unintentionally impede our own progress. It was unintentional in the first place, you feel bad about it, and you've tried to make it right, so yes, put it out of your mind and move on.
  11. jerrop

    Colic.

    Hopefully yours is doing better by now. If not . . . Starting around one month our little boy was well beyond colicky, although everyone we talked to would say "oh, yeah, one of mine was really bad with colic" and describe symptoms that seemed like a sunburn compared to falling asleep in the oven. When we talked with the doctor she said he was the most difficult baby she's treated -- taken with a grain of salt -- and the symptoms didn't entirely match reflux. We tried meds, gripe water, changing mom's diet, etc. and nothing worked for more than a few days if at all. (One thing the doctor suggested which I'm convinced helped but my wife decided she wasn't comfortable with was mixing a little bit of rice cereal in with about 4 oz of breastmilk, once a day; he improved but then got worse when we took it away. Don't do this without talking to your doctor.) He was in pain almost all the time, and I seriously contemplated whether I could handle having another child. I was busy during the day at work and busy at night being reinforcements for my wife and didn't try to find any information but ignored work one day out of desperation and went searching for information. I came upon silent infant reflux. There are some reflux symptoms, but not all. What seemed to happen was reflux that came up but was usually swallowed back down - it hurts coming up and going back down . We could hear it happening (and he still does it but it seems less painful), even though nothing usually came up. This may not be your baby (though what you describe seems similar), but since there's not a magic cure we shifted to making him comfortable. Life was great during his feeding periods, but extra feeding just exacerbated it. Anything cool also seemed to help -- a frozen pacifier, making sure gripe water was nice and cold, and cold air outside since it was winter. Anything that made him more comfortable made us more comfortable. We would give him to people so we could get even short breaks. We're halfway across the country from family and are blessed with incredible friends from our ward, who probably saved us. If your baby's going to be fussy no matter what, let her be fussy for someone else. It was also kind of satisfying to get the validation that he was a bit of a nightmare. Lastly, listen to what other people say and then make your own decisions (even if they pretend otherwise, that's what they did when they were in your shoes). Every other bit of advice is just educational. You know your baby better than them. We had to ride it out for six weeks until he settled into normal mild colic (at 2.5 months). Now at four months he's really enjoyable :), but we weren't actually sure we'd make it this long.
  12. Maybe it's another matter of faith? I think of it as the "Nephi principle" -- you know, 1 Nephi 3:7. Saying and doing are of course two different things, but I've found that every time I made the decision to trust the Lord it worked out somehow. I'm thinking back to grad school, long-term illness, etc., and recently a particularly demanding calling while dealing with a very difficult baby. I've learned that big or small, when I put forth my best effort to do what I'm asked, a way opens up somehow. That effort is often difficult though. Again, saying and doing are two very different things. I hope things settle out for the best in your situation.
  13. My feeling is that if you're working to fulfill your responsibilities and magnifying your calling, you should be in tune with the Lord's plan for you in your calling. One of those responsibilities is working with your presiding authority(s) as appropriate. And if they are in tune as they should be (yes, I know we're talking about some real assumptions here), it seems sensible that they would receive revelation as to whether your feelings are correct or whether there is an opportunity for growth available that you can foster together. If things aren't as they should be in terms of being in tune with the Spirit, it gets more complicated. But maybe that's just my thinking.