annaleigh

Eowyn, thank you so much. I have never heard of marriagebuilders and am anxious to read! I appreciate your quick reply...I'm on pins and needles!!

This is my first time on a forum for support. I write this with a heavy heart and with a reluctant heart, as well. I am in need of direction and really needing to feel that there is hope for my situation. Sorry if this is long-but it will give you a sense of my story. My husband and I were married in the temple over 10 years ago. We have 3 beautiful children and 1 on the way. Very early on in our marriage, I discovered my husband’s pornography addiction, which had resulted in breaking the law. I was literally blown away by this discovery and had found out at that time, that it was something he had been battling with since childhood. Over the years, we have battled his addiction, going through repentance, only to slip up again. Five years ago, my husband committed adultery. It was a heart-breaking situation for us both. It took me a long time to gain trust and to really feel loved. Years passed and unbeknownst to me, his addiction never really left. When an extreme amount of stress came up in our lives, the addiction reared its head once again, resulting in more occurrences of infidelity. I didn’t think my heart was capable of handling such pain, and I am convinced it did not. I am more than convinced that the Savior gladly bore the brunt of the pain and anguish that I endured those first few weeks. We found out about ARG (Addiction Recovery Group) and the pilot program for the wives’ support group. We both started to attend and received a lot of help and guidance. I attended the temple as much as I could, prayed, fasted, read. I did everything that I knew could help. I counseled with our Bishop and Stake President on different occasions. I truly felt carried by the Lord those first few weeks. I knew without a doubt that I needed to stay with my husband. That as much as I wanted to abandon someone who caused me so much pain, I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to keep our little family together. Months have passed. The Atonement and ARG has helped my husband to treat his addiction like a true addiction and has made it possible for him to rebuild his spiritual life again. The Atonement has been invaluable to me, to help me to feel loved by my Father in Heaven and to ease the pain. But, I don't love him. I want desperately to love him. I want more than anything to look at him the way I used to-with respect and admiration and feelings of love. I do not. I want to be filled with charity for him. My patriarchal blessing says very specific things about my spouse in it that are not true of our situation. My heart literally grieves, because I feel that I have been a good daughter-definitely not perfect, but that I have tried my best to keep my covenants and to stay true and faithful and yet I feel like I missed the memo. I want to have that Celestial marriage more than anything, but I don’t know what else to do. I am clinging to the Lord daily to stay above water. As I have been going through this tremendously difficult time, I found out a couple of days ago, that my husband had a small slip again. He let me know that he needs to set up boundaries again, or he could see himself going down the same road again. What?! I don't know if my heart could bear any more, but my sweet dear children have kept me hanging on--and knowing that I need to stay true to my covenants. In my seemingly insignificant life, I have felt so much love from the Lord; but those feelings for my husband are not there. And I wonder if this is what I am called on to endure in this life. I know that we are to have joy in this life, even while undergoing challenges, and I am no exception. I have not lost hope, because I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and that the path I need to go is the one I am on. But, I do not know if I will receive a fullness of joy in this life---and that really hurts my heart. I fear that while trying to be a support to my husband, while overcoming this horrible addiction, I have consigned myself to a loveless and lackluster marriage. What do I do? Annaleigh